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Original poster

DH children with no bedtime

100 replies

answeronapostcard · 30/01/2023 23:45

My DH children come over ever weekend one Sunday all day or Saturday from 4pm until Sunday 7pm. These weekends are turnabout. They are 10 and 7. We also have them during the week two nights but not overnight.
I find the full weekends very draining as we don't get a minute the whole weekend for some adult time. The DSC are only here one night a fortnight but I would like them to have a bedtime at 9pm at the latest. It's 7.30pm at their mums. DH says that it's just one night in a fortnight and I should lighten up, I do understand his thinking but sometimes they go to bed after us, 11pm and that means the TV is monopolised by children's films. Am I being unreasonable with this suggestion of a bedtime, I won't enforce it of course, it's not up to me but he seems to think I'm being ridiculous

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NewNameNigel · 30/01/2023 23:50

I'm with your husband on this. It's one night in 14, you get to watch what you want on tv the other 13 nights. If it all gets too much why not make plans to meet your friends some nights they are there.

Original poster
answeronapostcard · 30/01/2023 23:52

@NewNameNigel he is really keen that I stay for the time they are there, he doesn't want it to look as though I am avoiding them, I have suggested this

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/01/2023 23:54

I think it's fine for them to stay up late with their Dad.
No ok for him to insist you stay if you don't want to. Contact time is for the kids and him.

NewNameNigel · 30/01/2023 23:57

answeronapostcard · 30/01/2023 23:52

@NewNameNigel he is really keen that I stay for the time they are there, he doesn't want it to look as though I am avoiding them, I have suggested this

What would happen if you made plans and just went out?

I'm not suggesting that you leave the moment they arrive every single time but it's not healthy if you feel like you're not allowed to leave the house when they are there.

yodayoga1 · 30/01/2023 23:59

10 year old and 7 year old staying up til 11pm and going to bed after the adults? And PP think this is ok? My kids would have been ruined the next day with that lack of routine.

OP, obviously others disagree but I'm with you. Though my reasons are for the children's sake, whereas yours are for you. But still, no way would I be ok with that .

Simulacra · 30/01/2023 23:59

I would be really annoyed if my 7YO was staying up till 9:30pm at her Dads, let alone any later! She’s a gremlin when she’s not had her solid 11 hours sleep.

Rtmhwales · 31/01/2023 00:00

answeronapostcard · 30/01/2023 23:52

@NewNameNigel he is really keen that I stay for the time they are there, he doesn't want it to look as though I am avoiding them, I have suggested this

So give him the option. Either kids are in bed for 8/9/whatever is reasonable or you're out doing your own thing. It's not unreasonable to not want to be there for that or the fallout the next day when they're sleep deprived and horrible.

PleaseCleanTheWholeToilet · 31/01/2023 00:02

Up to him and not a big issue for 2 nights a month

But i think they need to be put to bed before your husband goes to bed

Beamur · 31/01/2023 00:04

but i think they need to be put to bed before your husband goes to bed
Late is ok, but later than the adults is not.

Plainlyme · 31/01/2023 00:06

My 2 eldest ds11 and dd10 go to their dads once a fortnight for 2 nights. At home we have a routine of 8.30pm weekday bedtime and 9pm weekend bedtime. Though I have a dsd10 who comes on the alternate fortnight weekends so we have l our kids on the same weekend and they stay up far later than usual. From what I can see it's just because its out of their normal routine, some times kids can be expected to just go along with what life throws at them n be fine with it...kids need time to adjust n sometimes need more patience.

I understand its hard, they aren't small for long and just want love and acceptance, they didn't ask for any of this

LaviniasBigBloomers · 31/01/2023 00:10

I mean, its OK that you find other people's kids draining and I certainly wouldn't be letting a 7 year old and 10 year old stay up alone and put themselves to bed, but having just spent an actual full weekend' with my DN and Nephew, that is Friday afternoon to Sunday night... You've got these kids for a few hours really. That's what family life is like, there's no time at the weekend for 'adult stuff'. Are you sure you want to be with a man who has DCs?

deeperthanallroses · 31/01/2023 00:13

I think it’s crappy parenting that he doesn’t set basic boundaries like bedtime because he hardly sees them. He’s going to bed so it’s not even that he’s spending precious time with them. When they are older they could be doing anything online late at night.
but I don’t expect you to get the tv to yourself and alone adult time for the one night a fortnight his dc are there. That’s like complaining you don’t get a nap at work on Tuesdays. Naps are for the weekend. Alone time is for the other 13 nights a fortnight.

hourbyhour101 · 31/01/2023 00:44

yodayoga1 · 30/01/2023 23:59

10 year old and 7 year old staying up til 11pm and going to bed after the adults? And PP think this is ok? My kids would have been ruined the next day with that lack of routine.

OP, obviously others disagree but I'm with you. Though my reasons are for the children's sake, whereas yours are for you. But still, no way would I be ok with that .

This in a nutshell.

I would think my ex was barking if he did this. Mainly because our Dd is a horror when she doesn't sleep.

Also you aren't unpaid object that can be ordered into a room. Leave them and him to it if he wants. Your absolutely entitled to say okie dokie you have fun now

NewNameNigel · 31/01/2023 00:46

yodayoga1 · 30/01/2023 23:59

10 year old and 7 year old staying up til 11pm and going to bed after the adults? And PP think this is ok? My kids would have been ruined the next day with that lack of routine.

OP, obviously others disagree but I'm with you. Though my reasons are for the children's sake, whereas yours are for you. But still, no way would I be ok with that .

It's not that I think it's OK @yodayoga1
It's that as a step parent you need to pick your battles. And a bedtime once a fortnight is just not worth battling over.

A lot of step parenting is letting go of things you can't control and not caring about things that the actual parents don't. It's the only way to maintain your sanity sometimes!

Original poster
answeronapostcard · 31/01/2023 00:48

@NewNameNigel I suppose this is an example of guilt driven parenting that seems to be his norm, there are many others too but this one is the most obvious

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 31/01/2023 00:51

answeronapostcard · 31/01/2023 00:48

@NewNameNigel I suppose this is an example of guilt driven parenting that seems to be his norm, there are many others too but this one is the most obvious

Maybe but that's not a reason to let him dictate that you aren't allowed to go out when DSCs are there.

You can't control when he puts them to bed but you can control what you do. You might even find he starts putting them to bed earlier if he's left to deal with them alone a few times....

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 31/01/2023 00:56

If you'd mentioned that the kids are irritable and suffering from lack of sleep next day I'd agree with you. I assume since it's not mentioned, it's not a concern. Not all kids need a fixed bedtime and/or can't sleep in next day to make up for a late night.

But your main problem seems to be what's on TV and that you don't have your DH's full attention for 1 night out of 14. (And it's NOT a whole weekend!)

That is utterly unreasonable.

TheTeenageYears · 31/01/2023 01:06

Are they not an absolute nightmare on the Sunday going to bed so late? Do they sleep in after a late night? I'm with you @answeronapostcard - I think they should have a bedtime but for their own sakes as much as anything else. 9pm when used to a 7.30pm bedtime the rest of the time seems reasonable. They definitely shouldn't be going to bed after the adults at that age.

hourbyhour101 · 31/01/2023 01:21

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 31/01/2023 00:56

If you'd mentioned that the kids are irritable and suffering from lack of sleep next day I'd agree with you. I assume since it's not mentioned, it's not a concern. Not all kids need a fixed bedtime and/or can't sleep in next day to make up for a late night.

But your main problem seems to be what's on TV and that you don't have your DH's full attention for 1 night out of 14. (And it's NOT a whole weekend!)

That is utterly unreasonable.

Tbf actually I think her problem is her DP is Disney dadding and not putting the needs of the kids sleep ahead of the feel good feeling he's getting from being the fun dad.

And also probably the fact she's being guilted into not being able to leave a dad alone with his kids and has to be in the room.

That's like the most glaring obvious thing here.

Like so much in this space. Rarely the kids are the issue. It's the adults and their issues projecting ...

Agreed with Nigel here op. Let it go. My kids would be feral without sleep but on DH head be it

mackthepony · 31/01/2023 01:54

Sounds like a recipe for disaster

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 31/01/2023 01:59

hourbyhour101 · 31/01/2023 01:21

Tbf actually I think her problem is her DP is Disney dadding and not putting the needs of the kids sleep ahead of the feel good feeling he's getting from being the fun dad.

And also probably the fact she's being guilted into not being able to leave a dad alone with his kids and has to be in the room.

That's like the most glaring obvious thing here.

Like so much in this space. Rarely the kids are the issue. It's the adults and their issues projecting ...

Agreed with Nigel here op. Let it go. My kids would be feral without sleep but on DH head be it

Show quote history

The OP is all about how drained she feels having them around from 4pm to 7pm next day and how she can't watch what she wants on TV.

Yes there are selfish 'Disney Dads' out there who are all about themselves at the expense of their kids' wellbeing, and there's also parents who just don't see enough of their kids and want to make the best of every moment. I don't think there's enough information in this post to know for sure where OP's H is on the spectrum, I suspect people are filling in the gaps with their own experiences.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 31/01/2023 02:57

Op, i get you.

Any chance you can go away on a break or visit on these weekends, and let him get on with it?

He's wrong to expect you to share his responsibilities.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 31/01/2023 03:02

another poster beat me to it, came on to say Disney Dad!
Way too late for such aged kids to go to bed.

icefishing · 31/01/2023 03:09

yodayoga1 · 30/01/2023 23:59

10 year old and 7 year old staying up til 11pm and going to bed after the adults? And PP think this is ok? My kids would have been ruined the next day with that lack of routine.

OP, obviously others disagree but I'm with you. Though my reasons are for the children's sake, whereas yours are for you. But still, no way would I be ok with that .

I think this is nuts. I wouldn't be staying up this late and my dc at that age definitely wouldn't.

Ragwort · 31/01/2023 03:18

Just go out or do your own thing ... your DH can't 'insist' you hang out with his DC. But it doesn't sound good at all for any of you ... I hope you aren't planning to have DC with him?