Holiday-ing with DSS and DP

[Libertypancake]

Some background…

We have been together for three years. DP has a lovely 7yo DS who lives with us 50% of the time. We have no children of our own at this point.

DP wants to take his son on holiday this summer and wants me to come with them. I’m not too keen because I don’t feel like it will be a holiday for me. While DSS and I are close, I find extended time with him a challenge (without say, the days broken up by school, play dates, time he spends at his mums).
This, plus the fact that DP will spend most of the time playing with him on the beach etc, makes me feel that there isn’t a huge amount of point in me going as, unless I want to play (and I am not that way inclined), I’d be left to my own devices.
I would like to spend time with DP and not feel like I was dragging him away from his son. DP is an excellent, and very dedicated father and wants us all to go together. And his DS would want me to go as well. He says it wouldn’t feel right going on holiday without me and thinks I would enjoy it.

How do I gently explain that I would feel like a bit of a spare part, because as much as we would all like it, we don’t have the same bond and dynamic that we would if I wasn’t step mum?? DP has said in the past that it would be the same dynamic if we did have our own child, which clangs a bit in my head and makes me think he doesn’t properly understand the ‘outsider’ feeling.

It’s always fascinating that the ‘you must be all in’ crowd never want to address the fact that the parents never want you to be fully in. Your views are never as important as theirs. It’s fine to agree with them or do to do the work to support them. But actually being ‘all in’ where you get an equal say. Nope. not a chance. never mind over ruling one of the parents.

because you cannot be all in. You aren’t a parent. No one is going to let you be the deciding factor in schooling or discipline or medical issues or whatever.

and, given that you cannot be ‘all in’, it’s surely entirely reasonable to be able to decide that actually you’re only in as far as you want to with the children. You’re in a relationship with their parent but you can get a say in what involvement you have with the children.

I’ve just been for a meal with my SC. Let’s face it; I don’t get to decide anything. So I ignore the sulking because the restaurant only has one desert my coeliac SD can eat and also ignore the way he father panders to her. My toddler was better behaved throughout the meal. Because I get a say there. I cannot - not matter how much I toe the line - do anything about sulky tweens who think the world revolves around them. Because no one wants me to be ‘all in’.

@onyttig sounds like these people have a DH/DW problem! My DH and his ex-W 100% respect that me and her DH are all in! Everything is discussed as a family with everyone’s opinions taken into account. I know that’s not the experience of everyone and we are a very amicable unit where both step parents have been involved from a young age, but don’t write off every family. Some parents do appreciate the presence of an involved, loving and all-in step parent.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 I can guarantee that if your step child's mother disagreed with you about whether or not your child was vaccinated or which school they should go to your views would not be given equal weight to hers. And nor should they be!

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a set up like yours as long everyone is happy and you didn't force yourself on the kids as some kind of second mother before they got to know you. I just don't think it would work for a lot of people.

I strongly believe that bonds in step familes are best left to form naturally in their own time without the pressure of expection of it ending up at any particular point. The most important thing is that everyone feels secure, respected and happy. This includes the step mother.

@NewNameNigel With respect, you can’t guarantee anything about anyone else’s family as not everyone thinks the same 🙂 I respect your views though and I agree about not forcing things.

Hello

You clearly don't want to go.. and whatever your reasons are, you shouldn't feel pressured. Before we had our DC I went on many a holiday which were really stressful. I resented using my leave for this, but always felt I couldn't say no. I wish now that I had.
I do go away with SC now we have DC as 1. I've always done it and 2. I want them to all feel included but I make times for holidays that I will enjoy and my DP gets and embraces that.

Sharing rooms is interesting. Lots of things that factor into the appropriateness of it. Our sc were young when we got together and I hated it when they'd come in at night. DP always woke up and took them back to their rooms cuddling them, but sometimes they come in in the AM. I don't mind so much, and usually free up my side of the bed for them and go get a coffee... it's so important they have their Dad. I agree with all the posters who say you need to have boundaries but how you enforce them will have a lasting impact.. if they are used to getting into bed with Mum or when their parents were together you don't want to be the reason they feel they can't with Dad.

And before I get toasted for implying that we go on lots of holidays and not everyone can afford that... I class sleeping anywhere that isn't our house as a holiday so not necessarily abroad!!

What would we think if it was all flipped and you were a single mother who had written?:

"I've been with my partner for three years and he's refusing to come on holiday with me and my daughter. He says it's too much for him and he feels left out".

We'd all be telling you he needs to grow up, he's selfish and you should leave him!

I have step children but we also have our own children together - so slightly different. However, I love my partner and would of gone with him and his son on holiday for a week. I'd make it clear that I was looking forward to relaxing on the beach with a cocktail or two and a nice book so he isn't expecting you to play. Although you'd probably enjoy the odd game.
I would see if as I was doing something nice for my partner and sometimes we do things for others that we perhaps would rather not. Or if you absolutely do not want to go - tell him you'll use this as an excuse to catch up on work, or things around the house. Or tell him you'll go and visit your parents or friends somewhere 🤷🏻‍♀️

No. We wouldn’t.

Many of us would be telling her to enjoy her holiday with her child and to respect his choice.

No I'd think that was fair enough.

Yeah that's what I did, get up so they could be with their dad

"I've been with my partner for three years and he's refusing to come on holiday with me and my daughter. He says it's too much for him and he feels left out".

This misrepresents the OP.

No, I would be telling her she was unreasonable and needed to respect his decision.

And potentially suggesting she reflect on what the dynamic us that means he feels excluded.

No I would be like you need to grow up and cope. Regardless of gender.

Not everyone's automatic response to healthy boundaries is to scream leave your if you hate my child. Although people that say this outright or subtly are personally walking red flags to me.

And I am mum in the situation you mention and I think that you have put is bonkers tbh.

@TellMeTheTruthTheWholeTruth imagine if a man had written

I have booked a holiday going somewhere that my gf doesn't want to go with someone she doesn't feel comfortable going with. She is happy for me to go without her but I want there. AIBU for expecting her to ignore her own boundaries and use her annual leave for this because it is easier for me cope with the other person if she is there.

Interestingly there's current a new thread where a mother is complaining that the step mother is too involved and her kids don't like it. None of the people here who shamed the op for not being "100% all in" have commented in support of the step mother yet were quick to berate a step mother for not behaving in this way.

@NewNameNigel you are misrepresenting massively! The thread you are referring to concerns teens, and a Dad who has introduced multiple girlfriends very quickly. Very different situation. And multiple people on the thread have actually said that the woman might just be finding it awkward/trying her best and it’s the ex partner who is the issue. And she’s not even a SM, she’s the Dads relatively new girlfriend. You can have a bee in your bonnet about this all you like but don’t compare apples and oranges. 🙄

Not the poster on this thread who kept reiterating that noone should bother getting into a relationship with someone with children unless they were prepared to be 100% all in.

You response actually agrees with the point I am making. Not all situations and step families are the same - and therefore making sweeping statements about what should happen and shaming step mothers for having boundaries is unhelpful.