Holiday-ing with DSS and DP

[Libertypancake]

Some background…

We have been together for three years. DP has a lovely 7yo DS who lives with us 50% of the time. We have no children of our own at this point.

DP wants to take his son on holiday this summer and wants me to come with them. I’m not too keen because I don’t feel like it will be a holiday for me. While DSS and I are close, I find extended time with him a challenge (without say, the days broken up by school, play dates, time he spends at his mums).
This, plus the fact that DP will spend most of the time playing with him on the beach etc, makes me feel that there isn’t a huge amount of point in me going as, unless I want to play (and I am not that way inclined), I’d be left to my own devices.
I would like to spend time with DP and not feel like I was dragging him away from his son. DP is an excellent, and very dedicated father and wants us all to go together. And his DS would want me to go as well. He says it wouldn’t feel right going on holiday without me and thinks I would enjoy it.

How do I gently explain that I would feel like a bit of a spare part, because as much as we would all like it, we don’t have the same bond and dynamic that we would if I wasn’t step mum?? DP has said in the past that it would be the same dynamic if we did have our own child, which clangs a bit in my head and makes me think he doesn’t properly understand the ‘outsider’ feeling.

I doubt it. But very possibly the step child climbs into bed with them sometimes. My DSD still has stealth night skills for sneaking into our bed!
My point is, they are family and it’s not weird for families to bunk up on holidays.

Apparently they are. Who doesn’t want to find the right Lego block to fill the gap they perceive in their life? It’s their right to end a relationship of the other relationship just going to stay in their designated position and function. If you’ve got children, you never have to compromise. Because … children.

The problem comes when that Lego block has ideas of its own. Or needs.

Suddenly they’re a terrible person because they don’t want to use their annual leave on a holiday centred around the other person’s child. They’re no committed enough and there’s no way their partner shouldn’t compromise on their expectations of family holidays that looks exactly like X.

But what I can’t understand is why, if someone (a hypothetical someone) isn’t prepared to want to be all in, holidays, 100% step parent etc, why they wouldn’t just go and date someone who doesn’t have children? 🤷‍♀️ My step mum (who my dad met when I was 12) made it blatantly obvious she didn’t really want a relationship with me and really just wanted my Dad and just did her own thing all the time on holiday etc. I mean there were loads of issues and I could write a book about it all but point being that I knew I wasn’t really wanted, I was like a spare part and that’s a horrible feeling. I would never want my dc to feel that way and thankfully they don’t.

Ugh, no. My stepchild has NEVER climbed into bed with me. I wouldn't allow it.

@Xrays

So why not be single and find someone else single without children then? Why make everyone including yourself miserable and pleasing no one?

It’s not weird to have a boundary that your SC do not, under any circumstances, climb into your bed either.

Many people feel that’s inappropriate.

You might be comfortable with it. But many people are not.

Family does not mean have to mean sleeping together. Or being undressed in the same space.

Maybe they assumed their partner actually cared about them as a person rather than a conveniently shaped Lego block.

Does the parent in the relationship not have to consider how they might please their partner?

Having a child doesn’t mean you don’t have to compromise and consider someone you want to have a relationship with.

@Xrays so by your logic, unless you're a completely all-in step-parent who treats and loves the child like its your own, you're making everyone miserable? Ok then...

To be fair I’ve known DSD since she was one. If this started at a much older age I’d feel the same as you!

@Xrays because not all parents demand that a step parent is all in.

I have a great relationship with DSCs which I greatly attribute to it being allowed to form naturally, on our own terms to level we are all happy with. If dp had made entitled demands about me needing to be 100% all in and tried to force that then I think we'd resent each other.

I guess I’d better bow out. We aren’t British so views on nudity may also differ!!

a 7 year old sharing a room with the 2 adults he lives with is not inappropriate. I don’t understand how it could be?
its slightly unusual for families to not holiday together but not unheard of. Could you choose somewhere that offers something that you’d like to do? Golf, spa, cookery, sunbathing, sightseeing opportunities whatever you like to do on holiday?

What HE wants - to be able to share the parenting and have someone nice to talk to in the evenings.
What YOU want is not to be parenting, and to have more of an adult time.
What the CHILD wants is probably his Dad to himself.

If I were you I’d say no.

Also regarding sharing a room. It might be ok as a one off but for an entire week on what is meant to be a holiday? I wouldn't use my limited annual leave for that!

Only if you have a partner that is taking the you must fit in to my family and I’ll ditch you if you move out of line approach to relationships.

Meanwhile, in the real world, people actually compromise and find what works best to accommodate everyone.

I agree. It's very telling language. It's not like buying a car that best suits an exciting family unit. It's probably where a lot of the "outsider" feeling comes from.

Why does the family unit expect one person to just slot in nice and neatly with what they want and expect. This isn't an employee.

Exactly this! I don't feel like I'm an outsider because I've always been treated as an autonomous human being who wants matter and haven't felt presssue to slot myself in to a pre existing gap, defined by my partner before we met.

How dehumanising to expect this of a partner!

The ‘completely all in stepparent’ doesn’t mean you get to make decisions though.

You don’t get to decide, for example, what your personal boundaries are. You don’t get to decide that the child is … raised vegetarian. Or catholic. Or to take them to buy their first bra. Or many other things.

It seems to mean you’re willing to mould yourself to fit the other person’s vision. And you’ll blame yourself if you dare to have any desire to exceed your allocated role.

It’s your fault that you’re not happy if you don’t want to play your allocated role in your partner’s family. And you’re making everyone miserable by daring to have needs or ideas of your own.

So why not be single and find someone else single without children then? Why make everyone including yourself miserable and pleasing no one?

anyone can choose not to pursue a relationship if you have mismatched expectations that are making you unhappy. The problem with your argument is that you are entirely suggesting it's the step parent making everybody miserable by not fitting in with what the parent wants. The parent in this scenario is also making the step parent miserable by not fitting in with what THEY want. Neither one is "right".

Yup - a completely all-in step parent would feel quite one-way street. It’s healthy to recognise that there’s limits to what being s step-parent means. It’s frustrating for me when I have differing views on school stuff, medical stuff or other base-parenting matters. But at these times, while I express my thoughts, I obviously have to let my partner lead as he’s the actual parent.

Interesting that the poster thinks that someone who isn't prepared to drop all their boundaries to be "all in" shouldn't be in a relationship with children. Surely it makes more sense to say that someone who isn't willing to compromise at all on someone slotting into an existing family dynamic shouldn't try and have a relationship....

All of this. Great for them to have masses of quality time, which is very important.

I did the same with DSC when they were this age. DH loved being with them and wasn't enthralled with Disney etc but did it for them. When they got older they did more activity hols, which were better.

You're not saying never, just not this time.

@aSofaNearYou

I seen nothing to suggest that the OP would be paying or using her annual leave or to the contrary.

So I'm speaking in "an all things being equal"

I know you do like to jump on every single thing that I say. But please give it a rest.