Holiday-ing with DSS and DP

[Libertypancake]

Some background…

We have been together for three years. DP has a lovely 7yo DS who lives with us 50% of the time. We have no children of our own at this point.

DP wants to take his son on holiday this summer and wants me to come with them. I’m not too keen because I don’t feel like it will be a holiday for me. While DSS and I are close, I find extended time with him a challenge (without say, the days broken up by school, play dates, time he spends at his mums).
This, plus the fact that DP will spend most of the time playing with him on the beach etc, makes me feel that there isn’t a huge amount of point in me going as, unless I want to play (and I am not that way inclined), I’d be left to my own devices.
I would like to spend time with DP and not feel like I was dragging him away from his son. DP is an excellent, and very dedicated father and wants us all to go together. And his DS would want me to go as well. He says it wouldn’t feel right going on holiday without me and thinks I would enjoy it.

How do I gently explain that I would feel like a bit of a spare part, because as much as we would all like it, we don’t have the same bond and dynamic that we would if I wasn’t step mum?? DP has said in the past that it would be the same dynamic if we did have our own child, which clangs a bit in my head and makes me think he doesn’t properly understand the ‘outsider’ feeling.

How does one go on holiday without using one’s annual leave?

Given the OP does not have children of her own, without her saying that she doesn’t work, the likelihood is that she has a job.
That means a fixed amount of annual leave that must be prioritised.

Not that having your own children means you don’t work. Being a SAHM is not an option open to everyone. Or what they want even if it is.

But still, not having young children of your own, makes it very likely that you have a job.

That’s not quite what I’m saying. I’m saying either side is free to decide what they want from a relationship and choose the person they date accordingly. Either side. You don’t like what I’m saying and that’s fine. Thankfully the world is full of single, childless people wanting to meet someone equally single and childless and there are also lots of people - like my dh and others- who would love to be a step parent and be involved wholly in bringing up another person’s children and go on to having more or not with that person. It’s fine both ways, it’s when people try to mould themselves to fit the other that things don’t work.

be involved wholly in bringing up another person’s children

I suspect your definition of wholly differs from the dictionary.

Well it's pretty likely, isn't it. If she works she's probably using a chunk of her leave. And either she's paying or he's paying, the odds are pretty high. You didn't bother to question, you just told her she was being very, very unreasonable to not go.

Is there a definition of “being involved wholly in bringing up someone else’s children”? Or do you mean “step parent”? Couldn’t really care less what the official definition of being a step parent is, I have no desire to bother to look it up, I knew what kind of family I wanted to have and I - like most people- sought to find someone who I loved who wanted to be part of that too. That’s what most people do. 🤷‍♀️ Not sure why everyone here finds that so hard to get their heads around. I’m not saying the op is wrong, I’m saying it sounds like her and her dp want different things long term.

“Wholly” - entirely, fully. That’s what I meant.

That’s not quite what I’m saying. I’m saying either side is free to decide what they want from a relationship and choose the person they date accordingly. Either side. You don’t like what I’m saying and that’s fine. Thankfully the world is full of single, childless people wanting to meet someone equally single and childless and there are also lots of people - like my dh and others- who would love to be a step parent and be involved wholly in bringing up another person’s children and go on to having more or not with that person. It’s fine both ways, it’s when people try to mould themselves to fit the other that things don’t work.

There are also people with children who don't expect their partners to be wholly involved, and people who are happy to date parents but don't want to be wholly involved. I don't think what you want is wrong but all your comments imply that there is either dating childless people, or dating parents and being "all in", and dating parents without being "all in" is wrong.

I was trying to work out what felt cold to me about your post and I think it's that I feel like compromise is normal in long term relationships.

For example, my PIL live an 8 hour flight away in a boring cold post industrial American city. I have no desire whatsoever to go there, it is expensive, will use up lots of my annual leave, there will be jet lag. But he wants me to come and it will make things easier with the kids so I will.

One of my cousins is getting married next year in a destination my DH has no interest in and won't really enjoy. He is still coming with me.

Expecting to enjoy every single thing you do feels kinda teenagery and not being interested in doing something just to make your other half happy feels like either you're just quite a self interested person or you're just not that into him.

The step child thing is a red herring in many ways IMO

So if your kids had a step mother you would be happy for her to entirely and fully make decisions about your child? Would you give her opinion the same weight as yours? What if you disagreed about something important like vaccinations or where your children go to school? Would her opinion be "wholly, entirely and fully" considered?

Or would you put your foot down as you are the mother?

I think if you don’t want to go then you shouldn’t go. But I don’t really understand why you want to be with someone with a seven year old if you don’t want to fully embrace family life. Plenty of men with no kids out there. And I’m saying that as a stepmum to a 7 year old.

Because you don't have to fully embrace it? You can partially embrace family life safe in the knowledge they aren't your kids so you don't have to do the hard boring parenting graft.

My friend and I always share a room it's the expense - never once have I seen anything inappropriate- we change in the bathroom if we're bothered. With a young child it's only inappropriate if you choose to think it is. Some people .

You don't have to be wholly fully in. You can be a bit put your left foot in, your left foot out, do the hockey cockey and turn around. That's the joy of step parenting.

@yousmellnice yeah I mean everyone is different but I don’t think it’s good for kids to have a half arsed adult in their life.

I'm not half arsed I am fully arsed at the role I plat in theory life.

I've never seen this question answered on here, but it really should be. Every single time it is expected that the SM run her life 'fully' around the DSC this question should come into the equation.

@yousmellnice like I say, everyone is different. In our family we are all-in 100%, Mum, Dad, Stepmum, Stepdad. Not everyone will work like that. My DH grew up with a SM who wasn’t “all-in” and made it very clear - it hurt.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 do you think that every adult who is at all involved with any child has to devote their life to caring for them?

@NewNameNigel I wouldn’t call going on a family holiday “devoting your life” 🤣 but to be honest, yes. We choose children, either to create them or marry into their family. They don’t ask for us as parents or step parents. And they aren’t little for long. But I respect that not everyone will feel that way.

I was a step child and I would have hated it if my step mother had tried to be fully involved and a second mother. I would have found it over bearing and annoying, I didn't ask for my parents to split up and certainly didn't want another woman trying to act like my mother!

I think a lot of people who think step mothers should behave like this have never had a step mother.

@NewNameNigel yeah everyone is different, my DH had the polar opposite experience to you and it hurt him and his sister for a long time that their SM was ambivalent to them at best. They longed for her to want to be part of their family and treat them as equals to her biological kids.

And this is why it's ridiculous to comment on step mothers not being involved enough according to some level that you have deemed appropriate.

Every family has a different dynmic with different individuals involved. Step parents and step children need to be free to develop their own relationships at their own pace, within their own boundaries without being pressured into forcing a deeper relationship. All this does is cause resentment which is toxic in a blended family.

Shaming step mothers for having boundaries is counterproductive if the aim is happy family relationships. However I suspect that a lot of people who post on here are motivated by a desire to hurt the step mother rather than to actually help families get on.

@NewNameNigel To each their own, there’s a wide variety of opinion on the thread and I don’t think anyone wants to hurt anyone, that’s quite an extreme comment. Some people will think a SM being overly involved isn’t good for the family, some people will think not involved enough is bad for the kids. We can only comment according to our own thoughts and experiences.

To each their own is the point. There isn't a one size fits all approach that's right for everyone.

As for noone wanting to hurt step mums, I suggest that you read a few threads on this forum, see the number of deleted posts for personal attacks and read some of the comments still standing. Some people post to do precisely that! To be clear I don't think that applies to you.