Holiday-ing with DSS and DP

[Libertypancake]

Some background…

We have been together for three years. DP has a lovely 7yo DS who lives with us 50% of the time. We have no children of our own at this point.

DP wants to take his son on holiday this summer and wants me to come with them. I’m not too keen because I don’t feel like it will be a holiday for me. While DSS and I are close, I find extended time with him a challenge (without say, the days broken up by school, play dates, time he spends at his mums).
This, plus the fact that DP will spend most of the time playing with him on the beach etc, makes me feel that there isn’t a huge amount of point in me going as, unless I want to play (and I am not that way inclined), I’d be left to my own devices.
I would like to spend time with DP and not feel like I was dragging him away from his son. DP is an excellent, and very dedicated father and wants us all to go together. And his DS would want me to go as well. He says it wouldn’t feel right going on holiday without me and thinks I would enjoy it.

How do I gently explain that I would feel like a bit of a spare part, because as much as we would all like it, we don’t have the same bond and dynamic that we would if I wasn’t step mum?? DP has said in the past that it would be the same dynamic if we did have our own child, which clangs a bit in my head and makes me think he doesn’t properly understand the ‘outsider’ feeling.

@Xrays this is exactly how I think DP feels and I absolutely do not want to disrespect that. I do play quite a significant parenting role at home, one that we are all comfortable with. And I think he can’t understand why that wouldn’t translate to us all having a good time on holiday as well.
I am concerned that I am being selfish and that I should be considering DP and DSS’s wants a bit more. And I suppose I’m trying to find the balance with what is fair for us all.

How about suggesting a weekend away for the 3 of you and he can go on a longer holiday without you?

Of course children have different needs. (Ours more than most as Ds aged 10 has autism and learning difficulties and attends a complex needs school so it’s certainly not been straightforward)! I still spend time one on one with dd and have as she’s got older (she’s now at university so lives 50/50 here and there) but both of them see me and dh as “dad” now and we’ve always gone on holiday as a family etc. I suppose I can’t understand why someone would get with someone knowing they had a child if they weren’t prepared to be a fully immersed step parent. There are lots of single people out there with no children…..!

Op I think you just have to really talk to each other and see what each other’s expectations are long term. It’s different if you’re not planning children together but if you are then it does change things I think.

Not me as dad…! 😆

I met dh (now married for 15 years) when dd was 5. If he had been so separate in terms of not wanting to go on holiday with us or doing his own thing on holiday all the time I would have been questioning the relationship. I wasn’t looking for a new Dad for her - she has a Dad and knows that - but I wanted a family unit, a step parent for her that was in it for the long haul and wanted to be as involved with us both as possible; a family. We went on to have Ds now aged 10 and we’ve always treated both of them exactly the same.

Yes but it isn't just up to the parent and what they want. I wouldn't want to be with DP if he expected me to want to be with DSS all the time and be a "fully immersed step parent". Him understanding that I don't want that and not resenting me for it was a must.

Why don’t you talk to your DP about going for part of the time. Or failing that, book some excursions or a hotel in a different city for a night or two.

Many step parents would love to be in this situation!

Could you do a long weekend or Monday to Friday break so it isn’t too long? I remember our first trip away with DSD and as lovely as she was it was quite hard work as I guess I wasn’t used to not having the days broken up and being together 24/7 for a few days.
I can see it from both sides as I know what you mean about being on the outside but I wouldn’t be too keen on taking my DC away on my own as I’d miss the adult conversation and just having a second pair of hands

As long as I didn’t think I’d feel excluded the whole time I would go.

i vacationed a couple of times with my ex and his three DCs and I always felt like I didn’t exist. His entire focus was on them, I was rarely acknowledged so i wish I’d never went. However if he had made me feel included and like part of the family I would have happily enjoyed being with them. So to me I think it depends on the family dynamics

‘Fully immersed stepparent’ also looks very different depending on whether you’re a man or a woman. Despite what people like to pretend. The bar is low for men. Just being there is an act of valour to be admired and venerated.

I also agree with @aSofaNearYou that it simply isn’t just up to the person who came into the relationship with children. Parenthood very often makes people really selfish and unwilling to compromise. Relationships require compromise. Having children is not a trump card that means you get things your own way all the time.

Honestly. It's one week. Your partner ha asked you to accompany him &'the person he loves most in the world to join them.
As long (and it doesn't seem so from your posts ) as childcare wouldn't fall to you solely .
You are being very very very unreasonable & sewing division for the future especially if you have kids with him down the line.

It's a week. Go with, take a good book, enjoy evening wine on balcony with your partner. Insist on a suite so that dss has own room/private area of room & you have your privacy.

Is it just one week though? Will he expect her to do it every year?

Wtf is simply inappropriate about sharing a room?

@Sellorkeep would you want to share a room with a child who isn't yours, and have no privacy? Of course it's inappropriate.

My partner has a nine year old who lives with us 50% of the time. I pick and choose the holidays I join for, but in general I always join for at least one trip per year. They do lots of stuff together and I take time out to do my own thing. If I never joined any trips I think I would be setting myself apart a bit too much.

It is absolutely each persons right to decide what they want and their right to end a relationship if that isn’t what the other person wants. I wouldn’t budge on my view of what I wanted from a relationship- that’s my prerogative. I would have left and found someone who wanted the same things as me.

Many of us do not share bedrooms with other people’s children. Ever. They are not my children and it is a hard boundary I will not cross under any circumstances.

Both because I would not be at all comfortable. But also to protect myself from any potential issues or accusations.

in fact, I’d imagine most people don’t feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with a child that isn’t their own.

And many parents would be uncomfortable with their children sharing bedrooms with an adult who isn’t their parent. Even if the parent is there.

I think it’s daft to think that wrong. The DSS lives 50% of the time with the OP so they are well used to spending time together.
We often end up sharing with DSD on holidays, in tents of whatever, or when we stay at people’s houses. It’s normal to us.

In tents OR whatever.

Tbh, that is exactly the lack of flexibility or compromise that parents often display.

Yes. It’s your right to leave a relationship. For whatever reasons you like. But most people find that it’s best to compromise and find ways that work for both partners, rather than seeking the correct Lego piece to fit into the hole you want to fill.

@Sellorkeep they don't share a bedroom with the kid at home though, do they?

But why wouldn’t someone want the perfect fit for their family? That’s what dating is all about, even more so when you have children to consider.

Step mums are not obliged to mould themselves to the expectations of the parent they are with....

I think the idea of ‘perfect fit’ for this dusting family - rather than finding a way of being a family that works for everyone - is a big contributor to why being a stepparent is often so shit.

Worse, the cultural narrative makes them feel guilty for having needs or aspirations of their own and not just ‘fitting in’.

That's a pretty heavy guilt trip to apply if she's going to be expected to pay to go or use up her annual leave. She should get to choose to spend these resources on something she actually wants to do, it isn't necessarily a "no skin off your back" situation.

That’s your stance and I have no problem with you having it (not that you should care what I think and im sure you don’t!). But forcing it on the OP or anyone else by declaring it ‘simply inappropriate’ is a different matter.