Holiday-ing with DSS and DP

[Libertypancake]

Some background…

We have been together for three years. DP has a lovely 7yo DS who lives with us 50% of the time. We have no children of our own at this point.

DP wants to take his son on holiday this summer and wants me to come with them. I’m not too keen because I don’t feel like it will be a holiday for me. While DSS and I are close, I find extended time with him a challenge (without say, the days broken up by school, play dates, time he spends at his mums).
This, plus the fact that DP will spend most of the time playing with him on the beach etc, makes me feel that there isn’t a huge amount of point in me going as, unless I want to play (and I am not that way inclined), I’d be left to my own devices.
I would like to spend time with DP and not feel like I was dragging him away from his son. DP is an excellent, and very dedicated father and wants us all to go together. And his DS would want me to go as well. He says it wouldn’t feel right going on holiday without me and thinks I would enjoy it.

How do I gently explain that I would feel like a bit of a spare part, because as much as we would all like it, we don’t have the same bond and dynamic that we would if I wasn’t step mum?? DP has said in the past that it would be the same dynamic if we did have our own child, which clangs a bit in my head and makes me think he doesn’t properly understand the ‘outsider’ feeling.

DP and I have holidayed with my kids who are older and although he has enjoyed it he doesn’t want to do it anymore as it’s just not the same for him and he doesn’t feel like it’s a real holiday, i have no issue with that.

i am going away with my kids in the summer and we’ll do a couple holiday too. Last thing I’m going to do is force him

Just tell him you think it would be lovely for them to spend quality time together.

Where is he planning on staying? A hotel? Because all three of you in one room would be awkward.

Also, does he want you to go so that he can share the parenting burden?

From your partner’s perspective, having you holiday with him takes the pressure off him. Even if he’s hands on with his son, another adult just being there makes things much easier for him. A week (or more) in sole charge if a 7 year old with no support is going to be quite hard work.

It’s fine not to want to go on a holiday like that. And you’re right that it’s entirely different to holidaying with your own children.

I think just being clear that you are not interested in this holiday. Maybe suggest he take his mum if he feels he needs another adult there.

I completely understand this feeling. I would think about the holiday as a thing you do for your partner. Perhaps he could pay your share. You could agree that you'd do your own thing some of the time? Would any of that make it more bareable for you? You could agree to go if you also have a couples weekend booked? But if there is no way you would be comfortable on this holiday and you don't want to go then please don't.

I think you need to be careful about being too "gentle". He shouldn't need it sugar coating, he should be able to understand what you've explained here. If he would react defensively to you explaining these things then there could be a lot of issues down the line with him expecting you to feel the same as him about his kid. I would just explain what you've said here, but say you think it would be nice for them to have the time alone together anyway.

I’m sorry but I’m going cynical with this one. Having you there will make your partner’s holiday much nicer, someone to share the load with his child and spend time with in the evenings when he is in bed. Unless he is covering all costs and it is not your only holiday I would say no.

@aSofaNearYou That's a good point. You shouldn't have to sugar coat it or watch how you say it.

It’s also worth raising the room situation. It simply wouldn’t be appropriate for the three of you to share one room. Similarly, you in one room, them in another is a crap holiday for you.

I've done this and absolutely loved having my own room. I insisited on it as i didnt want to share with DH and 2 DSC. It makes a difference you can have breakfast delivered to your room, have a lie in, watch what you like on TV.

@HandbagsnGladrags
i don’t think he needs me to share the parenting burden. I think he would like me to be there as his partner but he genuinely seems to enjoy playing games and spending time with Hhis DS. He never expects or asks anything of me. A bit of a unicorn in that respect!
That said, I naturally take on a parenting role at home because he is here half the time and we both think it is important that DSS sees us as equals

He's not a unicorn. He's doing what a parent should do.

@aSofaNearYou yes I agree with this. He doesn’t seem to understand that I might feel differently if it was our own child. I have tried to explain that the bond is different. And I definitely struggle with the feeling of being on the outside looking in, like I’m tapping on the glass but they can’t hear me. It’s certainly not conscious on DPs part and I can see how hard he tries to include me. I think it’s an unavoidable part of step parenting

@HandbagsnGladrags couldn't agree more. But it’s definitely the exception to the rule in my experience of mumsnet boards, at least.

If you’re planning to eventually have your own child together I’d feel a bit hurt if I was your dh - you don’t seem to want to be an all in step parent; which is what I’d want (and did want) as a single parent looking to eventually settle down with someone new. It’s fine if you’re just dating etc but I’d want someone to want to be with us all the time etc.

As a stepmum who spent years without their own DC, at one point it looking like it wouldn't happen, it made a MASSIVE difference to me when DC came along. Immediately there was a bond created between me and the DSC. It did feel different to how I felt about them and the relationship was only ever going to work for me if DH didn't push me into a parenting role for the DSC or try and pretend the relationship with them was something it wasn't.

Presumably OP has discussed how involved she wants to be and he's accepted it over the 3 years or he wouldn't still be with her.

It’s not necessarily that he’d be passing the work on to you. But it IS easier just having another adult there. To talk to. To watch the stuff while you take the child to the toilet.

It’s not much of a holiday for you if you’re staying out the way while he plays with his child. Or watching the stuff while he does so. Or even just entertaining yourself while he’s busy. It’s all compromise and you tagging along/fitting in as convenient.

its also just reality that children often are much harder work on holiday. They’re out of routine in an unfamiliar place with different food and everything is just harder than at home. Their behaviour often nose dives and they’re more demanding. If you find school breaks at home a bit intense and more difficult, it will be more so in a holiday resort.

It should be ok to just tell him this. He should understand. You’re not impeding his relationship with his child or preventing him from going. You just don’t want to use your annual leave and holiday money on it. He should go and have a nice father son holiday. You can hear about it when they get back.

But around 2/3 years is the time most relationships take a step up from being dating / casual to whether you’re in it for the long haul. A responsible parent would have been happy with some casual involvement this far but the fact he’s asking her to go on holiday with them and they’re talking about having children together means his expectations are shifting.

That doesn’t mean that the OP has to pretend she’s his older child’s mother though.

Yes, there's no need for her to ever have to be round them all the time. Its beneficial to go and do their own thing every now and again.

I've been with my husband for 10 years and am in no way a 3rd parent to his kids. All families are different and the op should choose what level of involvement she wants. My own child is grown up now so there's no way I'd be accompany my husband and his child on holiday. I'd rather wait for an adults only holiday for us both.

Wow. Lots to consider. Thanks, everyone,

I wouldn’t dispute the fact that it would be a nicer holiday for DP if I was there. But before I was in the picture he had taken him away (aged three) on his own and enjoyed it. So I don’t think that’s his motivation.

i want to be kind to him and consider how he feels. He is a good man who is doing his best. I don’t want to p*ss on his chips by telling him he is being unreasonable to not understand that a week abroad might be a challenge for me, and that it is NOT the same as having our own child. I want a way of saying that to him that doesn’t make him feel like I am rejecting DSS.

Of course not.

I met dh (now married for 15 years) when dd was 5. If he had been so separate in terms of not wanting to go on holiday with us or doing his own thing on holiday all the time I would have been questioning the relationship. I wasn’t looking for a new Dad for her - she has a Dad and knows that - but I wanted a family unit, a step parent for her that was in it for the long haul and wanted to be as involved with us both as possible; a family. We went on to have Ds now aged 10 and we’ve always treated both of them exactly the same.

We’re all different but that’s just how I see it.

He should be able to understand it. Does he have any nephews or neices? Could you explain your relationship is more like that than a replacement mother?

You can be a family unit while acknowledging the seperate subunits within that unit.

I also think treating all kids the same as opposed to according to their needs is a recipie for disaster personally. We're all different but that's just how I see it.