How to do greet your DSC?

[atteatimeeverybodyagrees]

DH has his DSC every other week and part of the school holidays. I like them, we get on well. However DH has picked me up on my greeting them. Aparantly I don't seem very excited when they are here. I just say hi hello, etc how are you? When I next see them. I don't come rushing down the stairs squealing in delight. AIBU to just treat them like anyone else coming and going from the house? They don't say HELLOO up the stairs or whatever when they are here.

Try and think of a time in the future when you may not have seen your DC for a fe days - for whatever reason- maybe they’ve gone on a school residents trip.

Would you really not stop your housework to go to the door to say hello?

I have my DC 50/50 so some days I go without seeing them for 5 days. And nope, I don't leap up as soon as they arrive. I don't go to the door to greet anyone. They come in and they find me. In the same way as I don't expect (or particularly want) people to be jumping on me as soon as I come in the door.

Why do we have to give so much recognition and validation, how needy are people these days, that they need people at the door wagging their tails.

Thing is they haven't been away anywhere on holiday or a camp they've been with their other parent in their other home. It's just normal

We are a blended family... I have one ds, he has two ds's... sometimes I greet if I'm not somewhere else in the house, but other times if I'm busy, then when I see them in the house we have a quick hello, maybe a hug, and a catch up. It's not seen as an integral part of life!

My ds's don't think (I don't reckon) that I'm an evil moose because I don't put on a meet and greet show. In fact, we all just act like normal people to each other who all share a house (even if that is part time). No drama. And guess what, sometimes they even hug me on the sofa despite me not having lavished them with a fanfare. So i don't think we're too damaged.

we're just normal people bumbling along together trying to lead a normal life! I doubt any non-blended families hug on every occasion their dc's walk through the door.

Relationships are more than just what happens on the doorstep when someone walks in. Every family is different- surely that's okay?

These threads are always the same
the DH wants his DP to be happy to see his children and for all his children - the ones from the ex and the ones with the DP - to be treated and feel the same in his (their) home, which isn’t unreasonable

the wife doesn’t want to perform that she loves these children as much as her own, when she (understandably) does not.

so surely the question is
since all the adults made this as a conscious decision and the children had no choice in the situation or how they’re treated. what is the right,(realistic and reasonable) thing to do, as adults, to ensure the children feel loved and that any suffering or difficulties are reduced as much as is reasonable possible.
The answer will be different for different situations, and probably have context of whatever the DH is like too - eg if he’s leaving all the washing and cooking to his wife, she’s probably not going to have much left in the tank for the kids.

in this particular case, I’d probably go and say hi and ask how they’re doing. It doesn’t seem like a huge amount to do.

I think this is just a difference of opinion on what the polite etiquette is.

I wouldn't stop the chore I was in the middle of to greet anyone tbh, my husband, my stepchildren, my own children. I'd finishing what I was in the middle of and then go and say hi properly after shouting a quick Hiya from wherever I was in the house when they first came in. To me that's just a normal way to greet regular members of your household.

The only time I'd ever stop what I'm doing and go specifically to the door is if we had guests we rarely saw.

And okay yes maybe if my own children had been away for a few days but I'd be running to the door to smother them in hugs because yes, I do feel differently about my DC and DSC and I don't think that's abnormal.

I'd shout hello from wherever I was in the house or if I wasn't doing anything I might go to the door to say hi.

I wouldn't apologise for treating my child differently if I hadn't seen them for a few days. Yes I'd likely be running to the door to see them.

No I don't get excited about my DSC coming. We get on well and I care about them but it's nothing like my own children being away for X many days. Absolutely understand my husband getting excited to see them but quite honestly I wouldn't be bothered either way so no, I won't be legging it to the door whenever they come but I'm friendly and polite and just treat them as I would DH coming home from work which is shouting a quick greeting if I'm in the middle of something or saying hi at the door if I'm not.

Strange. I just say “hey, you alright?” Lol, what are you supposed to say/do?

Apparently greet them the same way you'd greet your own children if you hadn't seen them in a week... Seems crazy to me.

I mean @YourPositionInTheQueueIs10292 that's exactly how I greet my own kids after they've been away

I make sure my step son sees me as soon as he walks in and say I say a hello, ask how he is and give him a hug the same way I’d greet anyone coming into my home…. That’s an ideal world and on a VERY good day.. usually he walks in looking at his phone, starts shouting at the dogs or children and disappears to his room 🤷🏻‍♀️

Try and think of a time in the future when you may not have seen your DC for a fe days - for whatever reason- maybe they’ve gone on a school residents trip

I don't have a relationship with my own DC where they regularly go away from me, so it would be a big deal if they had been away. I only ever see my SC EOW so there is nothing unusual about seeing them for the first time in two weeks. That is just the reality of the situation. My own DC and DP - ie the people I live with full time - are the only people that would warrant a reaction like it was a big deal that I hadn't seen them in over a day.

And if you want to view this from a child centric viewpoint, it has never done my DSC any good when people make a big fuss about how much they miss him, how much he must miss his mum/dad etc. Not seeing his parent for days at a time, and them not seeing him for days at a time, is the nature of his life, and it has only ever caused him angst to be made to believe this is something unusual that he or his family members are sad about. Better to just treat it like it's normal, because it is all he will ever know.

I’m not sure coming to the door to say hello for a few minutes at the request of a DP is a big deal though is it?

I would have thought there are far greater challenges of having a blended family.

I do think little acts of kindness should not be underestimated. There’s quite a bit of research to support this for physical and emotional well being of yourself and others.

www.cedars-sinai.org/blog/science-of-kindness.html

I'm saying acting in the same way I would if my own DC had been away for a few days would be making a big deal of it. If my own DC had been away (given they never have for more than overnight) the reunion would be a big deal.

I give mine a quick Hug and a kiss and a smile obviously but that's it. Would be weird to be jumping up and down every item they came in?

They are my child. It is different and you know it.

Then be honest and tell him you're not excited to see them like he is, as they're not your kids....so your excitement will not match his.

He shouldn't expect it to match his own in the first place.

And honestly I think any person who does expect someone who isn't their child's parent to he excited in the same way they are to see their child, is unlikely to take it well when you remind them (rather reasonably) that you aren't.

@atteatimeeverybodyagrees it seems you can't win.
On every single thread on this board there's a hoard of people (including me) saying that it is also dsc home.

Their dad can't get it both ways. It's their home so of course you're not going to launch into a dance from cabaret jazz hands and all every time they walk in the door.

He's being ridiculous.

Yep, it’s the old age thing of step parenting.. treat them like your own, but also don’t treat them like your own cos they’re not.

I go between 7-14 days without seeing my DSD 9, and when she arrives with her Dad I usually within a few minutes go and greet her to say hello, ask how's she, how's school etc. That's if she hasn't already come & found me as she's always super excitable which is nice. She quite often gives me a hug of her own free will, but I don't push that at all.

Nobody has asked the OP to "jump up and down." Or even hug and kiss them. Just to be polite and not ignore their arrival.

The OP doesn't ignore their arrival.

She just doesn't come squealing down the stairs like the person is the second coming.

I guess you didn't read the first post. I suggest you do so before posting in future otherwise it makes you look a bit silly.

My partner is the same when his daughter comes. I have my own child so 9 times out of 10 I’m over stimulated from my day to even make a full conversation. I always say hello you ok? And then I ask how her weeks been, if she carries the conversation we talk but if she don’t then he’s seen it first hand that I’ve made the effort. You are not the only one!!