Adult stepkids

[Neodymium]

My husbands relationship with his son (25) had always been somewhat rocky. His ex has serious mental health issues, the full extent of which is emerging now from what dsd (27) has told us. (We have a great relationship with dsd, and she has basically none with her mother now)

anyway, his son at 25 has never had to be accountable for his behaviour. His mum blamed dh or others for everything in his life that went wrong. He was always the poor victim.

he has had a string of jobs since leaving school with long stints on the dole between as there is always issues, always someone out to get him or rip him off or whatever. Or he loses his temper at a boss or someone and gets the sack. Or he just stops turning up.

he lives with an ex girlfriend currently who is abit crazy according to him, but anyway she is apparently moving out, his lease is ending and he can’t afford to stay there on the dole on his own. I doubt he could get another flat mate the way he is plus the rent is going up anyway. He just doesn’t get along with people. Dh has tried to get him to go to therapy but he just refuses. I suspect there is domestic violence in the relationship with his ex and that is why she is leaving.

he barely talks to dh except when he wants something. Anyway he messaged that his lease is ending, he can’t get anywhere else and he’s going to be homeless. Dh broached the idea of him moving in here which I said no. He is violent, he can’t control his temper, he punches and hits things like walls ect in a rage. He absolutely hates me. And he smokes pot every day. He also doesn’t have a car or a licence and we don’t live near any kind of transport. I can’t have him around my kids, not on drugs all the time. He is jealous and resentful of my kids as he thinks they get more stuff than he got.

I said he can move back to his mother. But apparently she said he can’t she doesn’t want him. i don’t know what to do, if dh pushes it. I could not have him in the house. I’m at a loss what to do, I honestly feel like it would be a dealbreaker in the marriage at this point.

dsd has basically washed her hands of him she can’t deal with his crap anymore either. i just don’t know what is the solution here. It will destroy dh to see him homeless. But it will destroy our family if he comes here.

Could DH move out and live with his son seperately? Or help him get into a council hostel? There are options, your husband just needs to look rather than take the easiest option.

In your position I would absolutely put my foot down and he would not be moving in. The suggestion above that your DH moves out to life with him is absurd! This is a 25 year old man not a 15 year old boy. You need to assist him getting a hostel or council flat. If you let him move in with you, he will never move out. This is an adult we are talking about. He can go and get himself a job and earn money to pay for his own life.

Do not let him move in. I wouldn’t let any of my children live on the street if I could prevent it, but there’s a world of difference between living in the street and having notice of giving up his apartment. Send him to the council, refer him to homeless help groups etc. If he moves in you won’t get him out.
He’s an adult not a child, you are not obliged to house him

I don’t know why your oh would move out to live with his adult son, that’s madness

I don’t know why your oh would move out to live with his adult son, that’s madness

Absolutely!

This is a hard situation, OP. But I totally agree DSS moving in would be awful for everyone (except him).

The simple truth is that he is a drug user who is prone to anger and violence. So no, he can't move into a home with children.

I'm sure your DH will feel hugely responsible and want to stop his son ending up on the streets. Living with you is not the answer - your DH needs to focus on practical ways to help him find a new place to live. He should get advice from CA and Shelter on the process for council support. And an appointment with a GP.

More generally, it is very sad that so many young people, especially men, seem to end up in this dysfunctional type of lifestyle. Anger about the past with no sense of accountability or responsiblity, problems with authority making it impossible for them to keep jobs. It's like they never get past their late teens.

That is exactly it. He is like a teenager still the way he behaves.

dh wants him to join the military. He thinks that will give him a place to live and some direction. I don’t know that they would take him. He wouldn’t pass the psych tests. I doubt he would go either.

that is a good idea though to look into options. I have pretty much just left it to dh to deal with but I guess if I get some information then when he comes to me with the ‘he has to come here there is no other option’ then I can present some options at least.

dh wants him to join the military.

your DH is an idiot then. The military isn't a dumping ground for pot-smoking wastrels. They are picky about who they take on, especially once they are over 18.
Your husband needs to be realistic about the options. And clear about what you will do if he tries to move DSS into your home. Be prepared for it to be a big fight. His mum doesn't want him, why should his dad have him?

But your DH does need to help him. Help him access support and somewhere to stay. Perhaps a couple of weeks of being homeless will concentrate his mind?

Feel for you! I'm in a similar situation myself.

Yes that’s what I think too, about the military. He wouldn’t get in.

him and his mother have massive arguments. Dsd always gets caught in the middle. She has said they both ring her to say what the other did and the stories on both sides are so far apart as they both paint themselves as the innocent party. Hence why she’s had enough of the both of them.

dh has been trying to take him driving to help get his licence as a start. But most of the time he cancels.

Why would he want him to drive if he's taking drugs and has a terrible temper and has no way of affording a car?

All your DH can do is offer support, information about housing and rehab? but no it wont work bringing the problem into your home.

Sadly, it does sound as if there was considerable abuse in his childhood as is often the case in people who go on to develop drug habits - but the adult today needs to take the support and help where offered.

There is generally community based supported employment/rehab programmes that may be what he needs unfortunately all I would have knowledge of are in Ireland.

I don’t know. He thinks maybe if he gets a licence he could get a job driving a truck where he doesn’t need to speak to anyone.

I’ve told him this is not realistic. Apparently he has been diagnosed with bpd. But as I said, won’t go to therapy. He went to one in the past who told him his mother was toxic and to cut her out of his life and he discussed it with his mother and they agreed that it was the therapist who is toxic and he shouldn’t go back. So I suspect that she doesn’t want him in therapy as she doesn’t want him to have his eyes opened about her.

Feels like between a rock and a hard place. I hope your situation improves.

He is an adult and is capable of supporting himself. He can contact his local council and explain the situation. He also will be told not to leave his property until he is given notice and he can also apply for discretionary housing payment to afford the rent and stop him becoming homeless. Try contacting citizens advice as there are so many options available to him

of course, OP, you could drop him at the army recruitment centre and let it take its natural course.
Truck driving? hahahahaha. I have a truck licence. Junkies can't do it.
DH needs to do the Tough Love thing, I'm afraid.

Could DH move out and live with his son seperately? Or help him get into a council hostel? There are options, your husband just needs to look rather than take the easiest option.
😂

Op it's hard but he is 25. Your husband can

• Offer to call the council with him and explain the housing situation
• offer to drop him and pick him up from therapy but he will have to go
• offer to speak on FaceTime regularly to talk about how he is feeling
• encourage medication and for him to take it if he has what he says he has
• offer to have him over for dinner once a week
• offer to help clean his home o help his mental health
• encourage him to learn to drive
• encourage help for substances
• explain he needs to help himself
• offer to look for jobs with him

I have a brother who is similar. And from watching the stuff my parents and step parents have had to go through him, you have my sympathies.

There no help you can offer that is going to make him change.
You could take him in to live with you but I think you all know that will just end with being asked to leave. Where would he go then?

He needs to be held accountable for his life and the actions he takes. If he isn't he will literally never learn.
What would he have to do if he didn't have parents to help him? He would have to present himself to the council as homeless.

My parents have been guarantors for my brothers flats, and been left paying unpaid rent... this has happened several times.... why did they keep doing it? Because they couldn't cope with not helping and him being homeless .
My brother is 40 years old, and is only just getting his life in some sort of order and do you know what his wake up call was.... prison!

No matter the help my parents gave him, no matter the opportunities he was offered he still ended up where he did. Because he wouldn't help himself and see past his own perception of what his life SHOULD be like..... or stop being a complete twat!

As long as your DSS has you and your DH propping him up he will never change, why would he?

Totally agree with PPs that the military is inappropriate and driving is the least of what your DH should be focusing on now. Why does he think a drug using, angry person with untreated bpd should be on the roads, let alone in a multi-tonne lorry?!

Your DH needs to get completely focused on the practicalities for DSS's next home.

As @Holly03 references, this is likely to mean DSS stays put until evicted from his current flat.

If your DH turns up with DSS at your house, saying 'he was facing eviction, he had nowehere else to go, so I said we'd give him three months/a year' it will be impossible to get any kind of social or council housing. He won't be going anywhere.

@princesssparklepants makes another good point:

My parents have been guarantors for my brothers flats, and been left paying unpaid rent... this has happened several times.... why did they keep doing it? Because they couldn't cope with not helping and him being homeless .

Something to bear in mind if your DH suggests becoming a guarantor.

You need to be crystal clear with your DH, having DSS come to live with you is just kicking the can down the road with a side order of trauma/damage for your DC (and you and DH tbh) on top. DSS needs to sort his life out and he won't do that under his dad's roof, he will just continue as he is until you and DH are forced to kick him out anyway and he ends up back exactly where he started.

This would be a dealbreaker in mine and my DH's relationship, if your DH can't see that having his adult, drug using DS under the same roof as your DC is absolutely untenable then I would be rethinking whether to stay in the marriage. I would be willing to do pretty much anything else to support my DSS to sort himself out but having him live here in the circumstances you describe would be my line in the sand.

It's effectively the rock bottom principle isn't it, you can see as clear as day that protecting DSS from hitting 'rock bottom' is not going to help him (and will actively hurt the rest of you) and is just delaying the inevitable, the hard part is getting DH to see past his dad-guilt and realise that you're right. Your DC being around DSS's drug use has to be a non-negotiable no though, even your DH can't argue with that.

He sounds like a candidate for a caravan in a remote field! Pity he can't drive...

Do you have any spare budget, OP?

Hes violent and is always off his head and your DH thinks it’s a good idea to put him in control of a 3 tonne truck 🤔 Not to mention he can’t even drive a standard car. He might get to drive from a to be on his own but he will still have employers to deal with, customers, and more importantly busy roads where even the most easy going persons temper can flare.

If your DH wants to help him he needs to sit him down and give him some home truths and make him start taking account for his actions.

Tough love time I'm afraid! He goes to the council / house share for accommodation and your partner helps him look for a job etc

I don’t think he could move out and live with him. Dh works from home most of the week and if dss is home too it just wouldn’t work. Plus our house is rural with a lot of maintenance which I couldn’t manage. I also work and dh drives the kids to school.

dh doesn’t seem to know what to do, he is on the spectrum himself and finds these things difficult. He has offered therapy and said he would take him but was just told no. Dh liked the driving lessons cause they could talk. He usually picked him up and went driving then bought him some groceries.

one of the (many) gripes that dss has with us is that our son has got an adhd/asd diagnosis and he hasn’t. We never had any indication when he was a child of these. The school did raise one issue which we took him to specialists and had investigated but his mother wouldn’t take it further and dss was hostile about it after his mother told him to be. As a late teen it was actually something he got angry about ‘you took me to all these specialists trying to find something wrong with me when there wasn’t’. But now he’s mad that we didn’t take him to more?

in any case dh had nothing to do with ds diagnosis or treatment, that was all me. But dss just sees it as ‘you got ds a diagnosis and help but you didn’t do that for me’. he doesn’t seem to get that the reason our kids have a different and better life isn’t because dh is a different father to them, it is because they have me as a mother.

I have found some links to at risk of homelessness services and sent them to dh.