Adult stepkids

[Neodymium]

My husbands relationship with his son (25) had always been somewhat rocky. His ex has serious mental health issues, the full extent of which is emerging now from what dsd (27) has told us. (We have a great relationship with dsd, and she has basically none with her mother now)

anyway, his son at 25 has never had to be accountable for his behaviour. His mum blamed dh or others for everything in his life that went wrong. He was always the poor victim.

he has had a string of jobs since leaving school with long stints on the dole between as there is always issues, always someone out to get him or rip him off or whatever. Or he loses his temper at a boss or someone and gets the sack. Or he just stops turning up.

he lives with an ex girlfriend currently who is abit crazy according to him, but anyway she is apparently moving out, his lease is ending and he can’t afford to stay there on the dole on his own. I doubt he could get another flat mate the way he is plus the rent is going up anyway. He just doesn’t get along with people. Dh has tried to get him to go to therapy but he just refuses. I suspect there is domestic violence in the relationship with his ex and that is why she is leaving.

he barely talks to dh except when he wants something. Anyway he messaged that his lease is ending, he can’t get anywhere else and he’s going to be homeless. Dh broached the idea of him moving in here which I said no. He is violent, he can’t control his temper, he punches and hits things like walls ect in a rage. He absolutely hates me. And he smokes pot every day. He also doesn’t have a car or a licence and we don’t live near any kind of transport. I can’t have him around my kids, not on drugs all the time. He is jealous and resentful of my kids as he thinks they get more stuff than he got.

I said he can move back to his mother. But apparently she said he can’t she doesn’t want him. i don’t know what to do, if dh pushes it. I could not have him in the house. I’m at a loss what to do, I honestly feel like it would be a dealbreaker in the marriage at this point.

dsd has basically washed her hands of him she can’t deal with his crap anymore either. i just don’t know what is the solution here. It will destroy dh to see him homeless. But it will destroy our family if he comes here.

@Neodymium - sorry to be bringing this up for you - what happened in the end? I'm afraid that this is how it's going to end up for me as well.

Different circumstances obviously, I've no children so I can "just" leave.
But exW had been violent to my DP for a decade, and then DSS started hitting him too...So it'll break my heart to leave DP to just start getting abused by someone else. But it would of course be his own 'choice'..

@SeulementUneFois my dh had something of a breakdown. He took a lot of time off work to try and get his son into therapy, took him to sessions ect. The last contact with the psych told dh that his son came to the session with an ‘agenda’ of getting a diagnosis presumably so he can go on a disability pension. It didn’t pan out that way and he got angry at the psych and left and has refused to discuss it or go back. He’s still living in the unit - no idea how he’s affording it. He has a new room mate. He told dh recently he had a new full time job and was planning to move into a friends place (friend also got him the job). But then same thing happened, first pay was ‘full of mistakes’ they are trying to rip him off, treating him like he’s stupid ect ect. And then he quit that job after a week and a half. Dh has had to take a massive step back. It was causing him anxiety, affecting his work, and his gp said there is little he can do. His son is a narcissist and there isn’t much you can do for them as the only treatment is changing their behaviour but they don’t see that they have a problem.

he’s still smoking weed, and occasionally he sends dh bizarre messages in the middle of the night. Lately it’s been strange drawings done with a pen in a notebook. He’s sending them like ‘look at this cool drawing I did’ but they are weird.

dh occasionally picks him up and gets lunch and then buys him groceries. Dh was planning a few months back to take him and our middle son fishing in our boat. I vetoed that. He’s too violent and unstable and being in a boat there is no where to storm off or get away. I said they could go fishing off a jetty or something if he really wanted middle son to attend too. They ended up just getting a burger in the end.

Quietnightmare, above, has great suggestions.

I also agree with never having your SS to stay.
Joining the armed forces might be an option because there is such a broad selection of options. Your SS has to want to try.

Could he train as an armed security guard?
As a house cleaner in a pre-painting team?
Road maintenence?

Can your SS try living and working on rural properties where training of skills and supervision of work happens. Fencing teams, harvesting teams, demolition teams, rural factories, rural weeding of vinyards, feeding chickens, coastal polution cleanups etc. He would need to live with adults who are not vulnerable.

Would he cope with not having access to alcohol and drugs?

Your husband should help but never in a way that compromises your home, your finances or the care of your other children. Your husband needs to face reality that if his son is homeless it is his son's fault and only his son can agree to fix himself.

Thanks @Neodymium ....
That all sounds... not good. But infinitely much better than the alternative. (Of him moving into your house.)
Hope that somehow things get better, but for sure that you and your children continue to be ok!