Adult stepkids

[Neodymium]

My husbands relationship with his son (25) had always been somewhat rocky. His ex has serious mental health issues, the full extent of which is emerging now from what dsd (27) has told us. (We have a great relationship with dsd, and she has basically none with her mother now)

anyway, his son at 25 has never had to be accountable for his behaviour. His mum blamed dh or others for everything in his life that went wrong. He was always the poor victim.

he has had a string of jobs since leaving school with long stints on the dole between as there is always issues, always someone out to get him or rip him off or whatever. Or he loses his temper at a boss or someone and gets the sack. Or he just stops turning up.

he lives with an ex girlfriend currently who is abit crazy according to him, but anyway she is apparently moving out, his lease is ending and he can’t afford to stay there on the dole on his own. I doubt he could get another flat mate the way he is plus the rent is going up anyway. He just doesn’t get along with people. Dh has tried to get him to go to therapy but he just refuses. I suspect there is domestic violence in the relationship with his ex and that is why she is leaving.

he barely talks to dh except when he wants something. Anyway he messaged that his lease is ending, he can’t get anywhere else and he’s going to be homeless. Dh broached the idea of him moving in here which I said no. He is violent, he can’t control his temper, he punches and hits things like walls ect in a rage. He absolutely hates me. And he smokes pot every day. He also doesn’t have a car or a licence and we don’t live near any kind of transport. I can’t have him around my kids, not on drugs all the time. He is jealous and resentful of my kids as he thinks they get more stuff than he got.

I said he can move back to his mother. But apparently she said he can’t she doesn’t want him. i don’t know what to do, if dh pushes it. I could not have him in the house. I’m at a loss what to do, I honestly feel like it would be a dealbreaker in the marriage at this point.

dsd has basically washed her hands of him she can’t deal with his crap anymore either. i just don’t know what is the solution here. It will destroy dh to see him homeless. But it will destroy our family if he comes here.

dh is worried how he will react when he finds out he doesn’t have bpd. He thinks he’s going to get a disability payment based on having bpd.

Stop trying to make it about his mother. It's about him and his complete unsuitability to be in your home.

I agree he can’t be in your home.
I feel some of the language on this thread is really upsetting. He is a young adult, who appears to have undiagnosed ADHD, experienced neglect and emotional abuse as a child, and has a Dad who left and started another family, and those new children have had advantages and opportunities that he never had.
I really feel for him.
unbelievable that people suggest he becomes homeless. He sounds incredibly vulnerable.

he doesn’t seem to get that the reason our kids have a different and better life isn’t because dh is a different father to them, it is because they have me as a mother

This, and other parts of your OP and comments, give the impression that your DH has not been the father than DSS needed or deserved. It sounds like he's a very hurt, very angry young man and whilst it won't help him at this stage to be "babied" by his dad, actually maybe he does need his dad to do some hands on parenting and acknowledge that he's let him down at times. He needs to tread the line between tough love and teaching him some personal responsibility, but also doing what he should have done years ago and giving him hands on support and guidance.

I doubt that anything will improve for DSS until he gets off the drugs. Whilst it's clearly not his only issue, it is going to be making everything else impossible to tackle; mental health, housing, employment, relationships with family. We went through similar with one of my brothers. The weed has got to go.

His mum is the one who ended the relationship and had another child immediately. Dh and I didn’t meet until much later. So he didn’t just leave and start a new family. Her other child is 6 years older than our oldest child.

The thing is, he was given opportunities but either refused them or is just forgetting. Like they went on lots of holidays, we took them overseas, we bought him a motorbike to ride when we went camping. We offered to pay for private school even attending the interviews and getting him a place there.

People who smoke a lot of weed can get to feel that everyone is against them and that they've been treated unfairly in some way. And that all issues are someone else's fault!
Yes, your dh could have done done things differently/better but hindsight has 20/20 vision and most parents do their best with what they have available to them at the time.
I hope your dss gets some help and that your dh is okay too

The thing is, he was given opportunities but either refused them or is just forgetting. Like they went on lots of holidays, we took them overseas, we bought him a motorbike to ride when we went camping. We offered to pay for private school even attending the interviews and getting him a place there.

This is all very "stately homes thread". This isn't what kids need. If his dad didn't take responsibility for the basics of parenting then none of this extra stuff matters. It doesn't sound like he's been a hands-on, involved father and the fact that he may have offered to chuck money at his son in the past doesn't make up for that.

he tried his best. He had eow and half holidays with them.

there was always a bit of secrecy about their life - dh wasn’t allowed to ask or know anything what went on at their mothers. It was drilled into them to never say anything. If he asked they would become distressed so he didn’t ask. They also lived abit of a hippy lifestyle with their mum - antivaxxer, strict diet, no rules, no bedtimes, ect. Her other child was unschooled. So there was a real ‘him and us’ mentality going on. Dh was seen as an outsider as he wasn’t one of ‘them’. He was the horrible meat eater who made them get vaccinated.

What did he do about the fact that his children's needs were apparently going unmet? What steps did he take to increase the amount of time they spent in his care?

Ignore the people out for a fight OP. It’s virtually impossible to move children from their primary cater if they don’t want to and there’s no abuse. Your SD sounds like she’s turned out fine despite having the same life as her brother.

Weed and mental health problems can destroy a young person’s prospects even if they come from a stable family.

His son sounds like he needs a thorough psychological assessment as a priority. Because to get to 25 with massive anger and behavourial problems and base expectations on self-diagnosis and expectations of handouts related to those, is very far from being functional.

Suggest your DH starts focusing on the causes, and some meaningful next steps.

Is that aimed at me? I'm not out for a fight. I'm pointing out that if DSS was let down by his father - and this seems likely from OP's comments throughout - then this is likely to be a huge contributory factor in his obvious hurt and anger. And whilst he clearly has substance abuse issues, mental health issues and possible additional needs, his father needs to address their relationship and acknowledge and apologise for the ways he damaged his son. That doesn't mean he needs to excuse his behaviour.

Or they can follow your advice, ignore unpleasant truths and just push all of the responsibility onto other people (DSS and his mum). That'll solve it.

The only thing you can do is what you’re currently doing/protecting your children by not letting your DSS move in. It sounds as if your DH is trying to help, but as others have said, at 25, your DSS has to accept and engage with the support offered, no one can make decisions for him.

Just because it wasn’t the most ideal house doesn’t mean basic needs were unmet. They were fed, clothed, attended school. After she left dh she moved 3 hours away to a rural area. Dh and I could not move there due to work, plus we had just bought a house. She didn’t work. He went to court to try and get her to move back but wasn’t successful. The best we could get was eow from Friday to Monday morning and half the holidays. There is no way he would have been awarded full custody of them. Dsd moved in with us at 17 soon as she finished school.

Yes that’s the problem. Treatments for personality disorders are mostly CBT. He doesn’t seem to think that he should have to do anything, he thinks everyone else should ‘educate’ themselves on his condition and ensure that none of their behaviours trigger him. In the real world that’s not how it works. So when his roommate does something to trigger him and he loses his temper and starts smashing stuff up, well that’s her fault for not educating herself on his condition and how to not trigger him.

So when his roommate does something to trigger him and he loses his temper and starts smashing stuff up, well that’s her fault for not educating herself on his condition and how to not trigger him.

Which sounds like a road to prison. Your DH needs to get serious.

He’s not a child he’s an adult. He is 25. There is not really much dh can do. He’s helped him get in to a centre to see a psychologist. But he can’t force him to do anything. He can’t make him engage with the psychologists. Especially if they start telling him things he doesn’t want to hear.

quite possibly it is leading to prison. The police regularly get called. It sounds like his roommate is not much better. But dh is only hearing his side so who knows.

Not to mention - that there is limited things dh can do for him has been the advice from dhs gp, the social worker at the clinic and another social worker at a charity he spoke to. They are all saying that there isn’t really anything dh can do for him at this point and dh just has to come to terms with that.

If your DH can't make him do anything to address his anger and mental health issues then why does he think it's OK for him to move into your home?

Well he has accepted now that he can’t move in with us. The social workers at the clinic also advised against it.

That’s a relief, OP. I have sympathy for your DSS, but it does sound as if he’s not taking responsibility for his own actions, I.e., blaming other people for triggering him. It also implies that deep down he knows he’s behaving unreasonably when he smashes things up-so he can learn to react differently when he’s triggered. Ultimately, that’s positive but he may have to hit rock bottom to accept this.

Yes I think it’s going to take awhile but he needs to come to the realisation on his own. I think that’s what the gp was getting at. When the only treatment for a mental health condition is changing behaviour, you can’t make someone change their behaviour if they don’t want to or they don’t think they should.

Your SS is an adult, living with you is not an option so why is everyone enabling him to stay a big kid. He has to learn consequences without everyone hovering trying to fix every bad decision he makes?

You and dh need to be blunt and tell him why living with you is not an option without feeling guilty nor walking on eggshells around him.

Your dh has offered to drive him to therapy but he has refused, your all trying to think up ideas like him going into the military but ultimately if he wants to sort himself out he will do so.

I know someone whose parents have hovered and paid his debts off continuously, plied him with money even though he was working full time and worried every day of their lives about his own choices. He guzzles bottles of coke and takeaways Every night even though he has diabetes and once he completely mucked his health up moved back in with his old parents. He smashes the house up, terrorised his dad who had dementia until his death and now his mum has cancer and going through gruelling chemotherapy. She is afraid to go home because he rages at her constantly. Her daughter wants her mum to sell the house and with the sale of her own house get a bigger house, one with an annexe so she can look after her and get her away from the abuse. The daughter has got the police involved but her mum won’t say what is going on because she is distraught her son will be homeless then.

Don’t be like that!

He’s an adult who won’t help himself but wants everyone else to put themselves out and put up with his crap. Nope.

We were in a similar situation and it was a hard no from me. If we didn’t have our own young DC might have been a different (albeit reluctant) position from me but absolutely zero tolerance to exposing children to that kind of behaviour. Luckily DH saw sense although naturally as conflicted about the whole thing. DSS has had so much intensive help and he continues to make a mess of his life much to our frustration. Our children absolutely love him and have no idea but he cannot live with us in the circumstances.