Adult stepkids

[Neodymium]

My husbands relationship with his son (25) had always been somewhat rocky. His ex has serious mental health issues, the full extent of which is emerging now from what dsd (27) has told us. (We have a great relationship with dsd, and she has basically none with her mother now)

anyway, his son at 25 has never had to be accountable for his behaviour. His mum blamed dh or others for everything in his life that went wrong. He was always the poor victim.

he has had a string of jobs since leaving school with long stints on the dole between as there is always issues, always someone out to get him or rip him off or whatever. Or he loses his temper at a boss or someone and gets the sack. Or he just stops turning up.

he lives with an ex girlfriend currently who is abit crazy according to him, but anyway she is apparently moving out, his lease is ending and he can’t afford to stay there on the dole on his own. I doubt he could get another flat mate the way he is plus the rent is going up anyway. He just doesn’t get along with people. Dh has tried to get him to go to therapy but he just refuses. I suspect there is domestic violence in the relationship with his ex and that is why she is leaving.

he barely talks to dh except when he wants something. Anyway he messaged that his lease is ending, he can’t get anywhere else and he’s going to be homeless. Dh broached the idea of him moving in here which I said no. He is violent, he can’t control his temper, he punches and hits things like walls ect in a rage. He absolutely hates me. And he smokes pot every day. He also doesn’t have a car or a licence and we don’t live near any kind of transport. I can’t have him around my kids, not on drugs all the time. He is jealous and resentful of my kids as he thinks they get more stuff than he got.

I said he can move back to his mother. But apparently she said he can’t she doesn’t want him. i don’t know what to do, if dh pushes it. I could not have him in the house. I’m at a loss what to do, I honestly feel like it would be a dealbreaker in the marriage at this point.

dsd has basically washed her hands of him she can’t deal with his crap anymore either. i just don’t know what is the solution here. It will destroy dh to see him homeless. But it will destroy our family if he comes here.

Yes exactly. There isn’t many jobs out there where you won’t have to deal with people at some point.

Dh is constantly walking on eggshells when he is around because he loses his temper so easily. Same as when he was a kid, dh was always afraid to pull him in line because he would lose his temper and throw tantrums and then refuse to visit for weeks.

you got ds a diagnosis and help but you didn’t do that for me

He now has a diagnosis of BPD and you've tried to get him therapy, but he doesn't want to know. So that argument of his is bullshit isn't it. DBT is the treatment for BPD and meds if needed too. Weed isn't. His refusal to engage in treatment isn't your or DH fault.

It costs thousands to get a lorry license and he'd never pass the tests or medical. There's been ads on the radio, become a bus driver if you've got a car license (they'll be paying for the training) buy that's never going to work if he hates people. Turning up for the interview stinking of weed won't endear him to them either!

Not getting along with people just isn't an option. It's a fundamental life skill. He can't just opt out! BPD does affect interpersonal relationships though, it's a large part of the condition. I doubt he's lying about the diagnosis, there's stigma about PDs still and it's not a free pass to treat people like shit, so not much benefit to lying I'd have thought? Has he looked into claiming anything other than jobseekers? He could see if his GP will sign him off work. After that it would be upto the DWP to decide how much of his behaviour is him being an arsehole and how much is as a result of BPD. If he can't hold a job it could be he's unfit for work. I'm being generous here TBH. Nothing to stop people with BPD from taking responsibility for themselves and their recovery/management.

He also isn't engaging with the offer of driving lessons. I'd actually not encourage that - whose car is he driving, DHs? While he's on provisional license under supervision that makes DH responsible for him, it's not going to look good if there's an incident and it comes out DH knowingly let his stoned son drive. And it's DH insurance would be affected if DSS is driving his car. If DSS smokes that much it's probably in his system permanently.

He's got a bit of a chance of a council flat eventually due to his MH diagnosis, depending on how much availability there is in his area.

There's hostels that accept people with drug problems but they'll have a policy of not allowing it, or an under the influence person, on the premises. He'll lose his space if he doesn't comply. Along with drug rehab help and MH help, the housing help that's available is dependent on the person wanting help and being willing to try to fix their own life and comply with rules. If a person's lifestyle choices mean they can't be housed anywhere, that's on them and the council will wash their hands of it.

The council could provide help to get him a private rental, schemes for helping with the deposit etc.

He needs to take advice about all that quickly because if the council deem him to have made himself homeless (if he leaves before the bailiffs turn up to evict him) he'll get no help from them at all.

Realistically there's nothing you or DH can do. DSS is ruining his own life. All you can do is not let him ruin yours. Which he will if he moves in. You could offer to store his possessions if he has any, if he goes into a hostel, because there won't be any room for furniture. I hope DH comes round to reality soon. I can't think of anything else right now, sorry it's so long!

That’s a good point, he may be able to get a dr to do that re disability support. Im not sure if it was an official diagnosis of bpd it was just suspected by the gp and put on the referral to the psych which he didn’t go to.

though I don’t think he will go back to that gp he got angry last time as it was a female and she requested another person be present for the consultation presumably as she felt unsafe being alone with him. He ranted to dh about that during one of the driving lessons how he didn’t like being treated like that. Though to be honest I totally get where she is coming from. He also got angry when an ex ex girlfriend came over to collect her belongings and brought her friend. Which again, I think is a reasonable thing to do.

OP, obviously you know his character better than us, but if the diagnosis had been/was dealt with, do you think DSS would just come up with something else to fixate on?

Would he sign up for a full pyschiatric assessment?

PP raises very good points about him driving DH's car. Can DH replace that 1:1 time with something else while he helps sort his housing?

Dh only takes him driving in his car which is a beat up old car - if he crashed it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It has 3rd party insurance. I assume if dh turned up and he was stoned he wouldn’t take him. Though this is something I should raise with him.

ill talk to dh about a full psych assessment I’m not sure how to go about it though.

Dh only takes him driving in his car which is a beat up old car - if he crashed it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Sorry OP, I'm thinking more of the poor person he runs over or crashes into. 😟

@Neodymium

Sorry OP I was laughing at the poster who said for your husband to move in with him as that is absolutely ridiculous, I just didn't make it clear. I'm on your side you can only offer support and guidance, he's a grown man who needs his mental health and his substance abuse dealt with before anything else. I feel for you you seem generally concerned and desperate to help

The thing is your DsS is a adult. At some put you have to let them reach rock bottom and I'm echoing others that you need to let him reach that or effectively your enabling his habit.

Was he always like this op ? Was there a turning point you can define.

Also do not under any circumstance let him move in and if it comes to it say that you will involve social services and explain the situation and that if your hand is forced social services will know you are a protecting factor and DH contact will be limited because he's not acting as a protecting factor to all his kids. That includes DsS because if he does something hideous it will partly be on DH for allowing him into the house.

I'm so sorry op I really am

Get him referred to housing options. Get your husband to help him look at options for shared accommodation which can be funded through UC housing element. He doesn't need to come home, he's a grown man.

The most important thing is for him to stay where he is, even though his lease is up, until he is literally forced to leave by bailiffs, as otherwise the council will say he has made himself deliberately homeless and won’t be able to help him.
Ask your husband to go to Citizens Advice with him, they may give advice on imminent homelessness.
Whatever you do, stay firm and do not have this person any where near yourself or your Dc.
Tell Dh he cannot move in, end of…..

He was always difficult. He always got mad and threw tantrums when he didn’t get his own way. He shoved my friends daughter into something and hurt her when he was about 12. He also once pushed dd over and out of his way when he was storming off in anger (she was a toddler at the time). At high school there was lots of instances that ‘weren’t his fault’ he was innocently targeted by someone.

he was kind of managing ok when he first moved out of his mums, he held a job for awhile and had an okish girlfriend. I honestly think that the weed has messed up his head. He’s now claiming repressed memories of childhood abuse are coming back to him but I feel like it’s the weed. Seems like that’s what brought on the mental health problems to be honest. He seems like he is getting worse and worse. There is a strong history of mental health issues on his mums side. Dsd thinks that her mum probably has bpd too.

i haven’t actually seen him, this is just based on what dsd has told me and what dh has said.

thanks, that is good advice re social services. I wouldn’t feel safe with him here. I was thinking it might come to that, it would be horrible to do but I might have no other option. Ds13 is the only one who kind of likes/remembers him and he just doesn’t understand. He wants to fix him. I actually see a lot of similarities between them, especially when ds was a little younger, like 8-10. Ds however goes to therapy, has medication and has mentors ect to help him and he is really improving. But this is all my doing, dh had very little to do with any of his early interventions apart from being aware of them because I would tell him.

Could DH move out and live with his son seperately? Or help him get into a council hostel? There are options, your husband just needs to look rather than take the easiest option.
Are you mad????? Why on earth should a man leave his home to pander to a grown 25 year old????

I don’t think him leaving is an option. Apart from the main one, we just simply couldn’t afford to run 2 households. Plus dh takes the kids to school most days.

I’ve suggested to him some services he could contact. I am worried dh is just going to bury his head in the sand rather than doing something now.

I ran into an old friend of dhs the other day and we were having a chat, the friend has a ds who is a little younger than dss but they used to play together when they were young. Anyway the friend was telling me his son has started an apprenticeship, just got a really nice girlfriend whom they really like, and has just bought himself a new car. I mentioned to dh that I saw them and told him what they are all doing ect. And then he got upset because of dss not doing anything and was annoyed at me for reminding him by talking about friends son 🙄. I didn’t even mention dss. And I also said what friends daughter was doing as well as friend.

I would get the situation if DsS was a child or even a teen but this man is 25 years old and needs his dad to move in with him ?

That's so bananas I just can't even 😵‍💫

So bit of an update. Dsd is still apparently about to be homeless. His story changes weekly and is different to different people so we have no idea.

dh has been trying to get him a disability payment for his bpd. Though we ran into a roadblock when trying to get copies of his medical records from the hospital that allegedly did the diagnosis and turns out it doesn’t exist. So seems like he just read a bunch of stuff and ‘decided’ that’s his diagnosis and has just been telling everyone that’s what it is.

he is going to see a psych soon to be assessed. I feel like if he does have a diagnosis it’s more like to be npd. On the way to the appointment that dh took him to, he spend the entire drive attacking dh for ‘triggering’ his bpd all the time and he needs to ‘educate himself’. It seems like he is under the impression that the world needs to conform around him and if he has an angry outburst, well that is their fault for triggering him and not understanding his condition. No fault of his. Though I’m not sure how this all fits in his head now that the diagnosis doesn’t exist. He went right off at the poor doctor who was just reading the report from the hospital. They had to get a social worker in to try and calm him. Honestly he is likely to end up being not allowed back. He refused all offers of medication to help him sleep when he said he wasn’t able to sleep. He just wants a script for medicinal cannabis 🙄. The doctor refused this which didn’t help matters.

fortunately dh is on the same page now that there is no way he can come here no matter what. Our family gp, plus the social workers and the gp at the clinic have all said that it is not a good idea.

dh has been an absolute mess. Trying to help him is taking a toll on dhs mental health. He’s been off work for 2 weeks now.

Unfortunately it appears that your DSS is angry at your DH. Perhaps be feels he should have taken the children away from the ill mother where possible abuse and or neglect took place.

Accompanied by possible neuro diversity with no intervention add in possible damage from his drug taking and you are looking at a very hurt, angry ill man.

That isn't to say it is a fault of anyone but it certainly would contextualize any supports that can get there and turn this young man around.

Hopefully there is a service nearby he can be encouraged to engage with. I would encourage his DH to keep trying to identify supports for his son.

At the very least it will help him realize he is doing all he can.

sympathies, OP, have a similarly dysfunctional ‘DSD’ here aged 21.

i would never let her live with us as her life is a charade of being enabled to behave like a young child and take zero accountability or responsibility in her life.

thank goodness your OH had seen how damaging it would be for dss to move in with you guys.

so hard when you’ve done the hard yard supporting struggling kids of your own (as have I with kids with MH, ASD). And watch the slow mo car crash of parenting ineptitude the other side of the fence.

Really really hard. Hope things settle down for everyone soon

I’m so sorry OP, what a painful and worrying situation. It’s good DH is on a similar page to you now. No advice but much sympathy to you both.

Yes with hindsight we probably should have. I’m fairly sure we wouldn’t have been successful getting custody off her though. We did have 30% until he was about 14.

he has another appointment this week to try and progress his disability application. Though with no diagnosis it’s not likely.

he is also not being honest with any of the professionals - it’s impossible to decipher what’s going on as he says something that one psychologist told him but he is telling them all kinds of stories.

when dh went in to the gp assessment with him he was completely delusional. Said he has a degree (he did one semester and failed) and that he doesn’t self harm or have suicidal thoughts (which he constantly tells dh that he does). He referred to his roommate as his girlfriend and said they were faithful despite him telling dh she had another man there last week. It’s just impossible to separate fact from fiction. He told the dr that a previous psych told him that he shouldn’t take any medication other than weed 🙄. The ‘triggering’ that dh was doing was contradicting him eg saying hang on, didn’t you tell me she had another man last week, aren’t you meant to be wearing glasses and they broke, didn’t you say you lost a tooth last week. When he was telling the doctor he was fine when the doctor was asking him about vision and dental and possible std’s ect.

he is going to an integrated service now, has the social workers and the psych and gp all in one place communicating. And they have seen his outbursts so good chance he will refuse to go as he likes to put on this facade.

Hopefully a professional with all the information will be able to give you a steer. There must be something going on to cause the behavior.

This may sound trivial, but it’s starting to annoy me. My husband has a daughter who will be 20 in May and a son who is 16. They still come down every second weekend, the formal arrangement from when they were children, and he still treats them like kids. I work shifts so am not always off weekends so we don’t always get time together. My question is, is there a time when the kids should stop coming down on such a regular basis? And if so, how do I approach subject with husband? He loves having them down, we barely see them btw they stay in their rooms. Also I have a daughter of 22 and she stopped coming down on set weekends when she was about 17, thanks

@Rachelsmum5 if my DSS had not gone to uni, I suspect he would still be doing alternate weekend visits now, and he’s nearly 30! The arrangements that were put in place when we was 11 simply didn’t work as he got older, but all parties were hellbent on adhering to them. A very unnatural situation.

@Rachelsmum5 I am in the same situation and I find it very odd indeed! You have my sympathy!

Well bit of an update. No word on the homelessness. But it seems like the bpd diagnosis didn’t actually ever exist. He just decided that’s what he has. He’s seeing someone now but im not convinced he even had bpd

He sounds dangerous and you’re right to have him out of your house. How is your DH?