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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How to help stepsisters bond

123 replies

Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:17

Hello, I need help with a rift between DC14 and DC10.

Parents of each child met and married, creating a blended family.

14 and 10 year old have issues with one another. Stems from a few incidents when they first met where 14 year old wasn't very kind to 10 year old who basically wanted to be friends. DC14 was dealing with all the change in her own life (as was DC10) and told DC10 she didn't want to be her friend as well as other unkindness such as purposely not inviting DC10 to her family birthday party where every member of the family was named that she wanted there, even the dog, but my DC's and I were excluded from the list. When DC14 was asked why she did that, she said she meant all of us but couldn't be bothered typing out our names. DH believes her, I don't.

All of this hit DC10 very hard.

Both DC's are very attached to my DH. Obviously biology with his own child plays a huge part, but he genuinely is very loving of the other DC too and tries his best to be fair with both DC's.

DC10 has a diagnosis of high functioning autism, (Aspergers) and a diagnosis for ADD forthcoming. DC10 is struggling with the rejection from DC14 and can't get passed the fact that DC14 has been repeatedly unkind to her. DC14 isn't a mean person, I believe both children are coming from a place of pain and hurt.

DC10 is very protective of her personal space and is distraught that DC14 is spending time under the same roof as her. ASD diagnosis is very recent, so I am struggling to work out what is behaviour because she's 10 and having a strop and what is her Autism coming out. She says DC14 rejecting her has made it so she feels she can't trust people or make friends, her trust has been broken and she feels like DC14 is talking about her to others all the time and everyone hates her. I am very worried about these extreme feelings that DC10 has.

DC10 has begged for help with feelings of anger and inadequacy, DC10 feels no one likes her and that DC14 has been allowed to get away with causing her a lot of pain and hurt. DC10 wants an apology, DC10 has apologised a few times herself to DC14. DC10 has said after an apology for the hurt, she can move on, but it will take time and patience for her to build trust with DC14.

We haven't even spoken to DC14 about this yet as I don't really know how to resolve it. What if DC14 feels there's nothing to apologise for? DC10 is very upfront about her feelings, DC14 is much more sneaky and manipulative in the things she does so everyone sees DC10 getting really angry and upset while DC14 just acts all relaxed and like nothing has happened.

Both DC's are good kids with good hearts, how do we get them to work this out while keeping in mind that DC10 is neurodiverse and DC14 is a teenager going through her own stuff and missing her Dad.

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 09/01/2023 22:23

Is it possible to live separately?

Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:25

MostlyHappyMummy · 09/01/2023 22:23

Is it possible to live separately?

Sorry what do you mean? DH and I live separately?

OP posts:
Worriere · 09/01/2023 22:29

Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:25

Sorry what do you mean? DH and I live separately?

Show quote history

You were always going to get that asking Mumsnet. They don't believe in moving on here. The only thing that is right for children is if you put your life on hold until they move out.

Don't you dare seek happiness with a new husband.

LuluCthulu · 09/01/2023 22:32

Honestly won't think be at least partly due to the age gap?

Age gaps like this are always going to be problematic. 14yos can be quite stroppy, and even when full siblings a 14yo doesn't want to be hanging around a 10yo.

How long had you been together at the birthday party point?

Does the 14yo know that the 10yo is very upset?

I think you need to get to a point of simply being civil when in each others company. I don't think you can expect them to become good friends.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/01/2023 22:33

This is extremely challenging, two separate personalities been forced to interact.

The teen doesn't want a 10 year old as a friend and she isn't obliged. However she can't be unkind.

Somehow the adults need to communicate to the ten year old that even though their parents are together that doesn't make them sisters nor force a friendship.

No one can force a relationship they need very separate space and separate access to their parents.

Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:33

Worriere · 09/01/2023 22:29

You were always going to get that asking Mumsnet. They don't believe in moving on here. The only thing that is right for children is if you put your life on hold until they move out.

Don't you dare seek happiness with a new husband.

Show quote history

I'm amazed that 'living apart' because of difficulties with our respective children would even be suggested. What do you do when biological siblings struggle?

We want a calm and stable family, happiness will follow. I do not want any child excluded or removed for the sake of another, they have to learn and find a way. It's hard enough to navigate without the added complications already of there being 2 homes and that distance between the children.

I want to help them both so we can all feel more at ease. I feel for both children and what to find a way to help them.

OP posts:
Worriere · 09/01/2023 22:34

I think you can't make your step daughter like your daughter or want to spend time with her. A lot of 14 year olds wouldn't want to hang out with a 10 year old and in biological sibling relationships you often get one sneaky one and one who blows up and ends up being the one who gets in trouble.

But your step daughter is old enough to understand empathy, understand your daughter has a diagnosis, and understand what is kind and unkind and all of that should be made clear to her.

I have no experience with children with asd, so I've got no useful advice on how to manage it with your own daughter but I can understand why she finds it so tough 💕

SmileWithADimple · 09/01/2023 22:35

When did they first meet? You say these incidents occurred when they first met. Has there been anything further since then or is DC10 holding on to stuff that happened ages ago?

Marblessolveeverything · 09/01/2023 22:37

Siblings have the advantages of same parents, being their from day one, shared family, shared experiences. This can't be replicated and trying to will cause complete disengagement by the teen.

They shouldn't have to have a ten year old at their party, I am sorry but that isn't fair to force a relationship.

Siblings of that age difference may not attend certain parties as the activities etc may have age limits etc

Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:38

Marblessolveeverything · 09/01/2023 22:33

This is extremely challenging, two separate personalities been forced to interact.

The teen doesn't want a 10 year old as a friend and she isn't obliged. However she can't be unkind.

Somehow the adults need to communicate to the ten year old that even though their parents are together that doesn't make them sisters nor force a friendship.

No one can force a relationship they need very separate space and separate access to their parents.

This makes sense. But that would mean keeping them apart which isn't fair to my DH as he has a home with us (me and my DC's) but also has a space in that home for his DC's, a space created by the two of us for our family.

I know we can't force anything but surely we can help or guide? Otherwise the family stays split and my DH would always have to see his DC elsewhere which we don't want.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 09/01/2023 22:40

Some kids with autism struggle to forgive when they have been wronged. I can say that as I have a dd now 12 with high functioning autism. Change in homelife to an autistic child can be very difficult to deal with and they can find it very difficult to process emotions in the same way a neurotypical child would

For a start I would stop trying to blend them. You're making things worse. It's clear that the 10 year old is struggling with the teens behaviour. Don't play referee, the 10 year old needs to process her emotions in her own time and in her own way. Forcing her to try and get closer to a 14 year old is adding to her stress.

I would tell her you've spoken to the teen and pointed out her hurtful behaviour and asked her to be kinder and you would be grateful if the 10 year old would tell you in private if the teen's behaviour is upsetting.

Drop this business of apologies because if one never comes that will frustrate the 10 year old even more. Autistic children can take things literally. Allow them both their own space.you can't force 2 children to like each other and that may never happen but you can encourage tolerance and consideration for each other.

Explaining autism to the 14 year old would be a good idea too as she may not have any idea how her actions and words could be amplified to a child with autism.

Marblessolveeverything · 09/01/2023 22:42

Well what alternative are you offering enforcement of a relationship with a teen who is at peak age to start rebelling.

There is little context here but she is entitled to a realtionship with her dad without his new family, I see it quite often. Sometimes age helps but a lot don't.

Inmoremode · 09/01/2023 22:43

Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:33

I'm amazed that 'living apart' because of difficulties with our respective children would even be suggested. What do you do when biological siblings struggle?

We want a calm and stable family, happiness will follow. I do not want any child excluded or removed for the sake of another, they have to learn and find a way. It's hard enough to navigate without the added complications already of there being 2 homes and that distance between the children.

I want to help them both so we can all feel more at ease. I feel for both children and what to find a way to help them.

Show quote history

biological siblings with same parents is a completely different scenario to two adults forcing children to act out a sibling relationships just because those adults want to live together / combine their lives. I feel sorry for the 14 year old. Why should she have invited you and your child to her birthday party @Amuseaboosh

Delphinium20 · 09/01/2023 22:43

Any 2 girls ages 10 and 14 will be miles upon miles apart in most things. 14 is a young teen which is having a newbie adult brain and not sure how to work in it plus adult growing body. 10 year old is still very much a child with a child's mind, regardless of ASD.

My own bio DDs are 5 years apart and once DD1 hit 12/13 she and her younger sis were so different to cause friction. Now that DD2 is a teen, they are extremely close. It was their ages.

Of course, you have the step dynamic to contend with too, but I personally think the bulk of it is their ages. I frequently dealt with DD2 hurt feelings by telling her repeatedly that this would pass and as soon as she was a teen they'd see more eye to eye.

SpacersChoice · 09/01/2023 22:43

Worriere · 09/01/2023 22:29

You were always going to get that asking Mumsnet. They don't believe in moving on here. The only thing that is right for children is if you put your life on hold until they move out.

Don't you dare seek happiness with a new husband.

Show quote history

When you have an ND child who’s step sibling has been horrid from the get go, then no, you don’t move on with a new bloke and his kid.

Catsstillrock · 09/01/2023 22:45

@Amuseaboosh the aha parenting founder has a book Calm Parents Happy Siblings which has good strategies for mediating disagreements and suggestions for games you could play (if they are willing) to build connection.

it’s meant for younger r children and full siblings, but some of it is relatable I reckon.

i don’t think it’s possible to force them to like each other or pretend to to make you and your husband happy.

but you can have family wider boundaries and standards of respect and kindness or at least, not being unkind.

i also recommend the Explosive Child. I read it to support a family member whose DC recently got an ASD diagnosis. But the approaches it’s suggests are relevant for any child and I’m finding useful with our 11 year old.

but, overall, they may not and may never like each other. maybe you need to reflect and come to terms with that possibility as being an ok outcome?

Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:47

Delphinium20 · 09/01/2023 22:43

Any 2 girls ages 10 and 14 will be miles upon miles apart in most things. 14 is a young teen which is having a newbie adult brain and not sure how to work in it plus adult growing body. 10 year old is still very much a child with a child's mind, regardless of ASD.

My own bio DDs are 5 years apart and once DD1 hit 12/13 she and her younger sis were so different to cause friction. Now that DD2 is a teen, they are extremely close. It was their ages.

Of course, you have the step dynamic to contend with too, but I personally think the bulk of it is their ages. I frequently dealt with DD2 hurt feelings by telling her repeatedly that this would pass and as soon as she was a teen they'd see more eye to eye.

Disagree with this. I have 3 DD's, 15, 10 and 9. The 15 year old is not a 'newbie adult brain' - she's a 15 year old that has some tolerance for her 10 year old sister. I understand that DD14 isn't as tolerant as 10 year old belongs to me who her Dad has married meaning her parents will definitely not be together.

This is very much a steps' situation but yes I agree, the age difference won't help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 22:58

I think I'm part of the issue here. My parenting is underpinned by kindness and compassion for others.
When DC14 has been unkind, I've told my DC's that they can't mirror that unkindness because that's not the right thing to do.

From a place of 'doing the right thing' I've tried to make my DC's understand as I don't have that right to do so with DC14. But actually my DH doesn't really see an issue with a lot of what DC14 has done and is doing, his response is he doesn't see her everyday so it isn't the same as my DC because he lives with them and if they disrespect him it has to be addressed.

It's all very confusing as for me, regardless of contact time, which is in no way dictated by me, children shouldn't be allowed to be unkind and disrespectful and if he enforces that with mine then it should be enforced with his.

DC10 has been so angry and upset that she has said in anger 'I want to destroy her', DH has mentioned that to DC10 by way of justification 'well you said this about DC14, that's just as bad'.

Ultimately I want a stable family but I think perhaps I'm trying too hard to please everyone? My DH loves his children and he wants that time in our home with them but perhaps I want it more for him?

The latest blowup has happened because I told DC10 that when DC14 comes to stay, it would be kind if DC10 let her sleep in her bed (DC10 has a superking from our old house) and DC10 could sleep on the top bunk in her younger sisters room. DC10 had a total meltdown at the idea. Am I doing the wrong thing by pushing kindness on her? I don't want her to be a mean girl.

Some objective clarity please!

OP posts:
Inmoremode · 09/01/2023 23:00

@Amuseaboosh why did she need to give up her bed? Does your step daughter not have her own room?

Original poster
Amuseaboosh · 09/01/2023 23:05

Inmoremode · 09/01/2023 23:00

@Amuseaboosh why did she need to give up her bed? Does your step daughter not have her own room?

No she doesn't. We've moved house recently and the room that should have been DC14's room has become her Dad's office.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2023 23:08

Why on earth would you displace your 10yo? That isn’t kindness. That is just rude.

the 14yo should be sleeping in her own bed in her room in your home.

or despite your claims to the contrary, have you not actually moved the children in properly?

Ponderingwindow · 09/01/2023 23:09

xpost, why doesn’t the 14yo have a bed?

IhearyouClemFandango · 09/01/2023 23:11

Well, that's hardly going to help is it!

Nimbostratus100 · 09/01/2023 23:13

I dont think its kind or fair to expect your child to lose her bed. I do think though, you are taking your child's side and blaming the 14 year old for everything. It doesn't seem very balanced. ANs yes, I agree, a 14 year old does not invite a 10 year old and a step mother to her birthday party. That would be odd

maddy68 · 09/01/2023 23:15

Don't try to force it. Just continue bas a family doing normal family things. It may or may not happen

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