How to help stepsisters bond

[Amuseaboosh]

Hello, I need help with a rift between DC14 and DC10.

Parents of each child met and married, creating a blended family.

14 and 10 year old have issues with one another. Stems from a few incidents when they first met where 14 year old wasn't very kind to 10 year old who basically wanted to be friends. DC14 was dealing with all the change in her own life (as was DC10) and told DC10 she didn't want to be her friend as well as other unkindness such as purposely not inviting DC10 to her family birthday party where every member of the family was named that she wanted there, even the dog, but my DC's and I were excluded from the list. When DC14 was asked why she did that, she said she meant all of us but couldn't be bothered typing out our names. DH believes her, I don't.

All of this hit DC10 very hard.

Both DC's are very attached to my DH. Obviously biology with his own child plays a huge part, but he genuinely is very loving of the other DC too and tries his best to be fair with both DC's.

DC10 has a diagnosis of high functioning autism, (Aspergers) and a diagnosis for ADD forthcoming. DC10 is struggling with the rejection from DC14 and can't get passed the fact that DC14 has been repeatedly unkind to her. DC14 isn't a mean person, I believe both children are coming from a place of pain and hurt.

DC10 is very protective of her personal space and is distraught that DC14 is spending time under the same roof as her. ASD diagnosis is very recent, so I am struggling to work out what is behaviour because she's 10 and having a strop and what is her Autism coming out. She says DC14 rejecting her has made it so she feels she can't trust people or make friends, her trust has been broken and she feels like DC14 is talking about her to others all the time and everyone hates her. I am very worried about these extreme feelings that DC10 has.

DC10 has begged for help with feelings of anger and inadequacy, DC10 feels no one likes her and that DC14 has been allowed to get away with causing her a lot of pain and hurt. DC10 wants an apology, DC10 has apologised a few times herself to DC14. DC10 has said after an apology for the hurt, she can move on, but it will take time and patience for her to build trust with DC14.

We haven't even spoken to DC14 about this yet as I don't really know how to resolve it. What if DC14 feels there's nothing to apologise for? DC10 is very upfront about her feelings, DC14 is much more sneaky and manipulative in the things she does so everyone sees DC10 getting really angry and upset while DC14 just acts all relaxed and like nothing has happened.

Both DC's are good kids with good hearts, how do we get them to work this out while keeping in mind that DC10 is neurodiverse and DC14 is a teenager going through her own stuff and missing her Dad.

Why on earth should a 14 year old want a woman and her kids that the 14 year old has not chosen to be friends with and is not related to, at her birthday ?

The 14 year old has not chosen you and your kids at all. She is forced into your company because of where her dad ( who prefers a desk to an actual space for his 14 year old daughters feeling of belonging with him )

I think she is being kind by tolerating you all in any way shape or form

And you need a crash course in understanding ASD or your own daughter will be in total mess when hormone start exerting their effects.

We have since bought a home together, equal input in the purchase, and my old home has been rented out. There has never been any encroachment on DC14's space. If anything, my DC's and I have made that space for her.

But you bought a home with no actual ROOM for DC14.

And this:
"If anything, my DC's and I have made that space for her."

sounds soooo grudging and patronising. As if she doesn't have a RIGHT to space, but you and your DC have graciously allowed her to squeeze in (but not quite as the situation re beds makes clear).

You've not listened to a word anyone has said on this thread.

It doesn't matter who is to blame for the stepdaughter not having a bedroom. The fact is she doesn't and that will cause issues.

The fact your step daughter and her father have a better relationship thanks to you is also tone deaf. You seem determined to point score about how wonderful you are rather than acknowledge what problems exists when you are here actively asking for help.

There are a few realities here.

You can't force kids to bond - whether they are blood relations or not. If they don't like each other or they've got a grievance, you are only going to be able to keep the peace.

A 10 year old and a 14 year old is pretty much the worst combination. DH deals with this age group as a scout leader and the needs of the older ones is vastly different to the younger ones. He manages it over time from when they start as 10 year olds to teach they responsibility as they get older so by the time they are 14 they know and understand their role. But you couldn't just chuck a bunch of 14 year olds in with a bunch of 10 year olds and ask they to get on as it just doesn't work. The 10 year olds are irritating and immature to the older kids. They need time to learn patience with it.

Crucially they also need time to be 14 year olds and have space away from the younger ones. The idea of the 14 year old having no permanence in the family home due to the room situation and having no privacy and being expected to have a good relationship with a 10 year old is the stuff of fantasy.

Add ASD into the mix and I don't actually think you have a clue. The lack of ability to understand personal boundaries will come into place on top of immaturity and lack of personal space.

You are doing a massive disservice to both girls.

You might not think you are responsible for your husbands office decision but youve gone along with it and don't see a problem with it. That's being complicit and supportive of the decision. You are capable of saying 'actually this is going to cause major issues in the family you need to seriously reconsider where we actually have space in the house for you to have the luxury of an office. Maybe you need to find somewhere else in the house, consider working in the office or finding an alternative third party space outside the house.' And actually prioritise the well being of the kids over the comfort of your husband and his workspace.

If the other kids all have their own space it compounds the sense of injustice and it's never going to be a healthy environment to even keep the peace never mind foster a bonded family unit.

You are totally unrealistic, centred on you and your husbands needs and how amazingly you've done and ultimately not centring your kids first.

It's not pitchforks. It's telling you the problem at the heart of this is your attitude and seeing the girls as the problem not your own decision making.

@RedToothBrush everything you said, in spades. OP just wanted everyone to tell her what an amazing step mother she is and what a shit her DSD is. Unfortunately this is not an echo chamber and I’d wager she came here after people in RL have handed her arse to her.

It was her who told my DH that DC14 had purposely lied and manipulated the situation with her birthday to keep me and my DC away. DH now sees how far DC14's thinking went to behave as she did because she didn't want us there. And that's ok, she doesn't have to have us there but working the way she does to get her own way is worrying and dangerous for her future relationships. DH now sees and accepts what DC14 did was intentional. But it's me who's helped him to see that punishing her isn't the answer. Understanding her pain and talking to her calmly about how this isn't acceptable behaviour will be better.

She is 14. She's expected to live with a step parent who doesn't understand her need for privacy and thinks she should be best buds with her 10 year old ASD kid who doesn't like her. And she probably doesn't like. If she's manipulating the situation it's because she doesn't feel she has power, control to say no openly on her own terms because she's being constantly told by step mother 'to be kind' and include everyone else. She's not allowed to have any space or time. It's not even about her being selfish. It's about her not being allowed any personal boundaries of her own. It's you telling her constantly to suck it up and play happy families but not respecting her enough to fulfill her most basic need for privacy.

Your husband should suck it up and find space in your room for his office. Even if that means sitting on your damn bed and looking unprofessional (and tbh it's not untypical/unexpected for homeworking).

Start putting the kids first rather than punishing them / ignoring their basic needs and wondering why they aren't getting on and don't want to be round you!

Your husband sounds like a right selfish twat who doesn't think much at all of his daughter and is only hugging because told to by you. It's dire.

You and your children are not her immediate family. You are her dads partner and children. You are so ridiculous. Blaming the poor 14 year old for everything. So you are her immediate family yet she doesn’t even have a bed in her ‘immediate families’ home. You parent ‘with kindness’ yet accuse a child of being sneaky and manipulative. I would love to hear the 14 year olds take on this.

my stepmom keeps insisting her children are my family and we are all family but I don’t even have a bed at her and my dads house, I know she dislikes me (sneaky and manipulative) and she accused me of being mean and nasty for not wanting her children who I barely know as I only ‘visit’ them at my dads house at my birthday party. That poor child.

@Amuseaboosh

Same. Parents happily married and I have 5 siblings. You know actual siblings not forced siblings

Tone deaf is the word.
You’ve “fallen in love” so your autistic DC and an unhappy teen who misses her dad plus numerous other children now have to compete for beds and space at close quarters while you profess to be baffled by why they can’t all just get along so you can be happy and everyone will think what a wonderful mom you are.
Less of the admiring yourself and more of actually listening to your DC would probably go a long way here.

You are so righteous in your posts I don't understand why you bother posting, you refuse to see any issue with the lack of people space or the speed of this relationship. I suspect she won't come round much longer and you will have your wish. I hope her grandmother can atleast advocate for her and gave her so much needed support as she literally has no one. You're determined to paint yourself and your dc as perfect little angels and dsd as the devil. She should accept what crumbles she gets as that your precious dd allows her to share her space when she's there. Poor kid.

I was single with my 3 children for almost 10 years after a divorce

You mentioned a young child - how long have you been with your husband? Was this rushed?

@RedToothBrush that's a really good post.

OP from reading your posts it really sounds like your 10 year is having a lot of problems processing her emotions and feelings of not being able to trust others and is blaming it on her stepsister. Is this fair or is it because she is struggling with interpersonal relationships and communication in general because of her ASD?

You need to find a way to support her through this without the stepsisters involvement. This is a 14 year old girl who doesn't get on with her. Even if she is made to learn more about ASD it's not reasonable to expert her to take responsibility for this.

As for the blended family, you can have ground rules for respect but you can't make them feel like a family when they don't.

The 14yo isn’t even there every day. Dad could use her bedroom as a quiet place to work much of the time.

If it’s large enough, just set up a desk for him in one corner. If it’s not, then he gets a folding desk and sets it up in there when is working from her bedroom and in the main bedroom when he needs to use that space. Even if he uses dual monitors, they aren’t even heavy anymore.

what I find most disturbing about this op is not that you don’t seem to understand ASD 10 year olds or NT 14 year olds. It’s that you would consider marrying a man who shows so little consideration for his own child. a man who thinks of his child as a visitor and doesn’t bother making sure she has a bed and her own space, even if it is shared, makes most women’s libidos run cold.

@EasterIsland

Sorry @Amuseaboosh but given all your posts on this thread, and your tone to PPs who challenge you, or with whom you disagree, I highly doubt that
a) your DSD would have felt comfortable making her feelings clear to you
and
b) that you would have respected those feelings

I could agree more.

SD is a visitor with no bed at her dad's house, because he makes her allocated room an office. A room that he didn't even consider for her...is he dense! No no wonder she behaves as she does.

He didn't think I'm living with my new wife and stepdaughters, which will be a huge change for my daughter and its important she has her own space here.

I agree that the 'be kind, compassionate' etc. ideal seems to have given you a bit of a blind spot here OP. You seem to be unforgiving of past incidents and unwilling to really hear and understand what the root of the disharmony is. These kids can't just be expected to plaster on a smile and play a role for you - they need an outlet for their grievances.

Just to say it does seem that your daughter appears to have built up an idea in her head about how amazing having a big sister would be and that is why is so devastated that they haven't built an amazing relationship.
It does sound that she was perhaps a little "intense" about the blending, Does she have many friends in real life, perhaps encourage more meet ups etc to fill that "girlie bond" that she might be missing.

I wouldn't bother trying to fix it tbh. Just see what happens with no pressure.

How big is his office ?

Can’t it be shared between them ? Depending on the size and setup, there’s tons of possibilities (half/half : she decorates her half, they bond coordinating colors).

They each need their own space. Where does 14yo get to retreat when she’s at yours ?
And asking 10yo with her condition to change rooms is going to be very strange for her, liking or not 14yo.

A bond is much more likely to form if they each have their own defined space.

If you’re willing to post the setup of the room (floor plans including sizes, and a basic drawing of how it’s currently organised (again with approximately sizes of main stuff), I’m sure we could come up with some ideas.

Sorry I didn’t read it all bc I got lost at the dad decided it would be his office part… but just looking up a couple of messages can see several PP have suggested it @SandyY2K @Ponderingwindow , glad to see I’m not alone thinking this (haven’t read further, sorry if other PP also have)
Just baffles me. Especially as OP you seem to be trying, but maybe in a bit of the wrong direction sometimes (no offense), just give them space and time, instead of focusing on how you can get get the girls to get along now (you really can’t, it will take time at this point), maybe focus on making your husband re organise his office, and eow it’s exclusively her space.

14yos would generally like the fun of decorating

And might be an avenue even to suggest to your 10yo that 14yo was upset at not having her own room ; while explaining to 14yo nicely about ASD.

Again, if you wish to post a basic floor plan, hth, as I’m sure others will be.
I very much doubt she’ll be bother if she has a single bed eow, it’s all about decorating and making the space her own, and even better, shared with dad. And it needs a lock.

Agree with everything @RedToothBrush says but I don't think you're going to listen

You posted the other day about how you and your DH are lending 200K to your best friend, and how you can afford to lose it if it comes down to it.

I thought that was an amazing thing to do.

Now I read that this kid has had her room taken because dad needs an office?

Maybe try prioritising your own family.

Oh really!? Get an extension OP!

Just leave her alone. She's 14 and going through enough. She doesn't have to accept or bond with anyone.
Yes she should not be rude or unkind but she absolutely doesn't have to do anymore.
She is there to spend time with her dad and that's all