How to help stepsisters bond

[Amuseaboosh]

Hello, I need help with a rift between DC14 and DC10.

Parents of each child met and married, creating a blended family.

14 and 10 year old have issues with one another. Stems from a few incidents when they first met where 14 year old wasn't very kind to 10 year old who basically wanted to be friends. DC14 was dealing with all the change in her own life (as was DC10) and told DC10 she didn't want to be her friend as well as other unkindness such as purposely not inviting DC10 to her family birthday party where every member of the family was named that she wanted there, even the dog, but my DC's and I were excluded from the list. When DC14 was asked why she did that, she said she meant all of us but couldn't be bothered typing out our names. DH believes her, I don't.

All of this hit DC10 very hard.

Both DC's are very attached to my DH. Obviously biology with his own child plays a huge part, but he genuinely is very loving of the other DC too and tries his best to be fair with both DC's.

DC10 has a diagnosis of high functioning autism, (Aspergers) and a diagnosis for ADD forthcoming. DC10 is struggling with the rejection from DC14 and can't get passed the fact that DC14 has been repeatedly unkind to her. DC14 isn't a mean person, I believe both children are coming from a place of pain and hurt.

DC10 is very protective of her personal space and is distraught that DC14 is spending time under the same roof as her. ASD diagnosis is very recent, so I am struggling to work out what is behaviour because she's 10 and having a strop and what is her Autism coming out. She says DC14 rejecting her has made it so she feels she can't trust people or make friends, her trust has been broken and she feels like DC14 is talking about her to others all the time and everyone hates her. I am very worried about these extreme feelings that DC10 has.

DC10 has begged for help with feelings of anger and inadequacy, DC10 feels no one likes her and that DC14 has been allowed to get away with causing her a lot of pain and hurt. DC10 wants an apology, DC10 has apologised a few times herself to DC14. DC10 has said after an apology for the hurt, she can move on, but it will take time and patience for her to build trust with DC14.

We haven't even spoken to DC14 about this yet as I don't really know how to resolve it. What if DC14 feels there's nothing to apologise for? DC10 is very upfront about her feelings, DC14 is much more sneaky and manipulative in the things she does so everyone sees DC10 getting really angry and upset while DC14 just acts all relaxed and like nothing has happened.

Both DC's are good kids with good hearts, how do we get them to work this out while keeping in mind that DC10 is neurodiverse and DC14 is a teenager going through her own stuff and missing her Dad.

The children's primary residence is with their Mum, just as my children primarily reside with me as do most children with the mum from divorced families.

My DH's children visit.

What is your DH's take on all this? Has the 14 YO apologised to 10 YO? If she is sneaky and manipulative and not remorseful I wouldn't encourage my 10YO DD to bond with her. Your daughter sounds smart and able to communicate her feelings well - which says a lot about her and also your relationship with her. You definitely don't want to undermine that trust by ignoring what your 10YO is saying and forcing her to do things she isn't comfortable with. Children deserve to have a home they feel safe and relaxed in and while not every child is fortunate to have, I would consider my job as a parent to help my child to feel safe and protected from unkind people they don't trust, so I would support my 10YO to be able to have boundaries to feel safe, and validate that it takes time to build trust in people, and also not everyone ought to be trusted until they prove themselves trustworthy. It sounds like the 14YO DD needs to be pulled up on her manipulative behaviour, which is the job of her dad. If this was being done, then there is some possibility of the relationship improving slowly to tolerance and then trust.

When every other member of the immediate family is requested to be there, including the dog, no 14 year old or child of any age for that matter should be allowed to behave so negatively and with such nastiness towards other children in the immediate family.

It was dinner with everyone at my MIL's house, not her party with her friends which I absolutely would not have any expectation for my DC to be included. Further, my DC made an effort to invite her step siblings to her birthday celebration the year before.

So the teen hasn't got privacy at your home, this is also going to cause resentment.

I appreciate you want to raise your children your way but you are dealing with a teen who is having no control over space, privacy or relationships. You can't force relationships your DH can enforce respect but that goes two ways and not enforce engagement with your children.

Surely your DH wants the limited time alone with his daughter? Because he is one the home run timewise as she develops more independence and autonmy.

I am assuming your children are not on a visiting schedule so they could have separate time at the house.

But do you not realize she doesn't see you nor your children her immediate family?

If you all start from there you have a chance in working through to a respectful relationship.

This is my feeling too but I equally don't want DC14 to feel uncomfortable here. DC10 has said she needs time to build that trust, but she will try to be aware that DC14 may need to be in her room sometimes in the future. The saddest part is, when they first met, DC10 was so excited that she may have a new sister and she was happy to share her space with her. Now she says she feels rejected and like her self-worth is zero. That breaks me but I've told her I will be accessing help for her. She keeps asking me what's wrong with her and why doesn't DC14 like her.

I'm trying to balance both children and my DH in this. I do feel like I make my child apologise a lot and there is very little awareness or acceptance for her ASD. My DH tells me he doesn't want that label to define her. But I feel it is the biggest part of who she is.

@Amuseaboosh Your last post probably sums up your issues here. You consider your stepchildren to be visiting and don't see that they need to feel at home with their dad too.

Of course the 14 yo is going to react to that.
I've been the kid that never had a room/bed at one parent's house. It was shit and I hated feeling like a visitor when my step siblings had rooms and possessions and didn't sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge.

I do understand this. But I don't accept the exclusion and unkindness. If when she was asked why she excluded, she had said 'I don't want them there', I would have respected that. It's the fact that she was sneaky and said 'oh I meant them too'.

You're so wrong.

The room which was allocated for DC14 was allocated by me, her Dad made it into the office because he needed to get setup for work.

I go out of my way to create inclusion, tolerance and space. But I can't force relationships.

Equally, my children only 'visit' their Dad. I would never expect that they should have 'their own room' at his house which they don't sleep in regularly, it makes no sense. This was my view long before I met my DH and became part of a blended family.

You're projecting.

I feel for your daughter here. She sounds so upset and you appear to be putting the needs of your stepdaughter and your husband first. Your little girl is hurting and this should be your priority.

She is 14, in a situ she has no control of . Stop putting adult reasoning and capacity on her. The party thing was her taking what control she could, which is human nature.

Secondly why on earth would introduce dsd teen as a sister to your children you were setting your ten year old up for a fall there.

Give her space, privacy and prioritise her one to one time with her father as that is the best outcome in this situ.

Everything else is in my opinion going to backfire badly. Teen years are hard and they are short. Hopefully on the side she will want a relationship or she may not and that is her right. What is vital is she maintains her access to her father

@Amuseaboosh well whoever is responsible, she doesn't have her own space at all or even her own bed in someone else's room. So going on previous posts, she only gets a bed if your daughter gives up hers.

You have a 10 year old with a massive bed and another child in the family without one.

Is the office not big enough for a single bed or a fold up desk so it's dual purpose?

Sorry OP but the 14 yo should have her own bed and her own space, no wonder your 10yo is upset if she constantly has to share her space with a 14yo who she doesn’t particularly like and vice versa, you are forcing them together and causing a bigger issue. As a step mum myself I think it’s really sad that you have the room yet don’t think the 14yo is worthy of her own bed, she shouldn’t feel like a visitor. 😔

Exactly. They can't expect to be one happy family when one child is a visitor.

Personally I think you need to sit both girls down and talk through their feelings.
Do it separately. Give them both time to talk and discuss their feelings.
Explain to the 14 how the 10 year old feels, do not make her apologise but help her understand the dynamic.
The 14 year old needs her space. Can they not share the office space or your husband move to your bedroom.
At face value it looks like your children have all the perks and comfort in your house and the 14 is an after thought.
I am sorry a super king bed for a 10 year old is ridiculous, but not sure how you get out of that now. You need to think through how you all live and the messages you are giving each child. Each child needs their own bed and personal space.
Let the birthday thing go.
Do the other children have their own rooms? Or are they boys that share.
Rather than coming from a point of kindness come from a point of respect and tolerance.
You will get there, it just might take a bit of time. I think a frank conversation all round.

I think I'm part of the issue here. My parenting is underpinned by kindness and compassion for others.
When DC14 has been unkind, I've told my DC's that they can't mirror that unkindness because that's not the right thing to do.
From a place of 'doing the right thing' I've tried to make my DC's understand as I don't have that right to do so with DC14. But actually my DH doesn't really see an issue with a lot of what DC14 has done and is doing, his response is he doesn't see her everyday so it isn't the same as my DC because he lives with them and if they disrespect him it has to be addressed.

I think the main problem might be that you and DH have different values. If he doesn't have a standard of respect from his children then his daughter's behaviour is not going to improve - and will probably get worse. Her reactions to massive change are absolutely understandable and not out of the ordinary for a child her age, but she needs to learn there are boundarires about how she treats others. If your DH is unwilling to do this beause she is not with him full time he is giving her a pass to behave however she wants - which is going to lead to bigger problems. You can dip into other threads to see how this plays out! Some people are naturally much higher on compassion and kindness traits but this can become problematic when they start to project that everyone else is as kind and compassionate, and then give lee-way that other's would never dream of giving. Fact is, lots of people don't value those things as highly. So you may like to look into some resources on how to work out what your own boundaries are for you and your child, and how you can hold them. Boundaries are not about impinging on or punishing others but creating safe space for yourself. I agree with other posters that your daughter should certainly be able to keep her bedroom for herself. The 14YO needs a place of her own too, when she visits, but definitely not your daughters room.

I think you're setting your child up to fail here, with the coming at everything with kindness.

Sometimes people don't feel like being kind. These are kids. Sometimes they feel angry, jealous, sad, furious etc. Are you allowing your children to express these emotions?

From the perspective of the 10yo I certainly would not be inclined to be kind enough to give up my room and my bed for another child who doesn't like me and isn't kind to me.

And from the 14yos perspective, she has no place in her dads house. No bed of her own. It's not a home to her. Your child has a bed and a room. The 14yo old probably feels anger and resentment that another child has these things in a home, and with her own dad.

Why should they have to force kindness when they're probably feeling a ton of other emotions? They probably both feel very justified in not feeling very kind right now.

This sounds like an awful situation your SD has been put in.

Your DH hasn't helped the situation by not allocating any dedicated space for his DD. No wonder he's not wanting to call her out on anything in case he alienates her further.

Your DSD is 14, I think you are being unreasonable in your expectations of her behaviour, within the context of her new blended family. She's found herself in a situation she has no control over, simply because you and her dad got married. As you yourself have posted she doesn't even have a room/bed at her dad's house and she is now sharing him with your DC.

I agree she should not be unkind, and her dad should be working on this with her. But, expecting her to say " I don't want her there", is an honesty level most adults don't have. Your DSD does not have full reasoning ability yet and not wanting your DD at events is her naive way of trying to take some control. You are quite naturally looking to protect your own child, but I think this has perhaps blinded you to the fact your DSD is also struggling.

Also, it would be possible for your DH to discuss with his daughter the traits of ASD that your daughter may have without 'labelling' it as ASD. It sounds like you've' spoken to your daughter about trying to accept your DHs DD and it would be fair to expect your DH to do the same with his DD.

The more you post, the worse it gets - because it’s the two adults who are at fault here.

You - expecting your ASD child to give up her safe space for a child that has spent years being horrific to her.

You - allowing your DH to enforce brutally unfair double standards re behaviour expectations, for fuck sake, stick up for your children.

Him - for not ensuring his teenage daughter has her own space at his house.

You - we are a family, you are sisters

Also you - DSD14 you are A VISITOR

Chaos and totally conflicting messages

The room which was allocated for DC14 was allocated by me, her Dad made it into the office because he needed to get setup for work ……… Equally, my children only 'visit' their Dad. I would never expect that they should have 'their own room' at his house which they don't sleep in regularly, it makes no sense. This was my view long before I met my DH and became part of a blended family

You’re both as wrong as wrong can be and don’t stand a fucking prayer of a harmonious blended family.

The 14yo has been told by her father that she doesn’t matter. She doesn’t deserve a space In his home. Since you are encountering these issues now, he clearly didn’t take the time to slowly blend the families and give the children time to build relationships before moving in. Of course she is angry and lashing out.

You can’t force her to treat the other children like siblings. They aren’t siblings. They are people who are worthy of respect and consideration by her father when she is not.

he needs to radically change his approach. Moving out and starting the blending process from scratch would be ideal. Giving the kids their own space would be a bare minimum. If he can’t bother to do that, he might as well just give up on his relationship because the wedge he is driving is only going to get wider.

So are there other children here also? How do they get on?
Do not make your 10yr old give up her bed, a child with asd needs their own space and routine. This will cause more resentment in an already fractious relationship.
Your dsd does need a space in the home though. She doesn’t necessarily need her own room but she does need a space and bed. Can she share with one of the others. The 15yr old maybe? Does she have other siblings of her own?
Maybe your dh could get a high bed with a desk under so he can use it as an office when she is not there. But you can’t take your 10yr old from her room.
Have you been offered training courses for asd? I have 3 children with asd and even within bio families there are difficulties.
Speak to your 14yr old to see how she feels about apologising. Do it away from dc10 though in case it’s a no go. One of my children in particular is very about right and wrong and can’t cope with perceived unfairness. He does not forget and move on.

It really does sound like DSD got the shit end of the deal here.

Your DC all get their own room, DH gets an office, and she gets no space in her Dad's home?

How is she going to act kind and sisterly towards your DD when everything is so uneven here? Of course she's going to feel resentful and unhappy, which is going to come out as meanness and negative feeling towards your DC.