How to help stepsisters bond

[Amuseaboosh]

Hello, I need help with a rift between DC14 and DC10.

Parents of each child met and married, creating a blended family.

14 and 10 year old have issues with one another. Stems from a few incidents when they first met where 14 year old wasn't very kind to 10 year old who basically wanted to be friends. DC14 was dealing with all the change in her own life (as was DC10) and told DC10 she didn't want to be her friend as well as other unkindness such as purposely not inviting DC10 to her family birthday party where every member of the family was named that she wanted there, even the dog, but my DC's and I were excluded from the list. When DC14 was asked why she did that, she said she meant all of us but couldn't be bothered typing out our names. DH believes her, I don't.

All of this hit DC10 very hard.

Both DC's are very attached to my DH. Obviously biology with his own child plays a huge part, but he genuinely is very loving of the other DC too and tries his best to be fair with both DC's.

DC10 has a diagnosis of high functioning autism, (Aspergers) and a diagnosis for ADD forthcoming. DC10 is struggling with the rejection from DC14 and can't get passed the fact that DC14 has been repeatedly unkind to her. DC14 isn't a mean person, I believe both children are coming from a place of pain and hurt.

DC10 is very protective of her personal space and is distraught that DC14 is spending time under the same roof as her. ASD diagnosis is very recent, so I am struggling to work out what is behaviour because she's 10 and having a strop and what is her Autism coming out. She says DC14 rejecting her has made it so she feels she can't trust people or make friends, her trust has been broken and she feels like DC14 is talking about her to others all the time and everyone hates her. I am very worried about these extreme feelings that DC10 has.

DC10 has begged for help with feelings of anger and inadequacy, DC10 feels no one likes her and that DC14 has been allowed to get away with causing her a lot of pain and hurt. DC10 wants an apology, DC10 has apologised a few times herself to DC14. DC10 has said after an apology for the hurt, she can move on, but it will take time and patience for her to build trust with DC14.

We haven't even spoken to DC14 about this yet as I don't really know how to resolve it. What if DC14 feels there's nothing to apologise for? DC10 is very upfront about her feelings, DC14 is much more sneaky and manipulative in the things she does so everyone sees DC10 getting really angry and upset while DC14 just acts all relaxed and like nothing has happened.

Both DC's are good kids with good hearts, how do we get them to work this out while keeping in mind that DC10 is neurodiverse and DC14 is a teenager going through her own stuff and missing her Dad.

Nope. Not a step child. Parents still happily married.

I have a child with ASD, you seem to know fuck all about it and your child is likely to be Dx with PTSD as a teen or an adult due to your uninformed, selfish, NT parenting and beyond useless step parenting.

As usual, dumb fuck adults set their kids up for trauma, resentment, and flying the nest much earlier than they would if their parents weren’t selfish shits focused on “moving on”

I do understand this. But I don't accept the exclusion and unkindness. If when she was asked why she excluded, she had said 'I don't want them there', I would have respected that. It's the fact that she was sneaky and said 'oh I meant them too'.

She wasn’t deliberately sneaky, she didn’t go out of her way to do something to upset anyone. She was truthful about who she wanted at her party.

You need to accept that this child doesn’t want a step mum and nor does she want step siblings. You’re trying to force her to be kind when you’ve put her in a position she simply doesn’t want to be in.

But you are being neither kind nor compassionate towards your step daughter and not very kind to your own daughter.

It sounds like you are one of those people who think ‘being kind’ is talking about it a lot and assuming that’s all that is required - no actual action needed.

Also, your DH deciding to take his daughter’s bedroom for an office would, in her eyes, have been him saying that now he had his shiny new full time family he didn’t care about DSD any more. Excellent parenting there (/s).

Your dh needs to make a bedroom for his daughter, if nothing else this will give her private space to go to when she visits and make her feel part of the family. I think you need to re look at your expectations at what family life should be. Let your dh deal with his daughter.

Your SD needs her own space. Your DH needs to sort that immediately.

There is no way your daughter should be made to give up her room!

My DS is autistic and has a very strong sense of (in)justice. He would be very unhappy if I told him someone who he views as having wronged him was going to be given his bedroom.

That's too kind.

My OH's mum remarried when she was 11. She had 3 step-siblings who has lost their mum a few years before.
My OH and her brother decamped to their grandparents for a couple of years because it was too traumatic.
4 of the 5 now all get on. The fifth has buffered off down to the other end of the country and doesn't speak to any of them except his mum.
It is possible to stay married but have separate space for the children.

I think all you should expect from step siblings is to rub along together. To expect them to bond is because you chose a particular partner is unrealistic.

Stuff like this is why step families have such high divorce rates.

You really need to read more about ND to understand how traumatising it is to ask a ND DC to change beds. Please never suggest this again.

This sounds like a DH problem more than anything else.

Stop focussing on 2 vulnerable and struggling children and focus on DH's poor choices and behaviour.

First off he needs to use another room for an office. Soon enough DSD will just not bother coming round at all. She's old enough to choose contact for herself.

Change your mindset about your situation. You and your DC are not DSD's immediate family. It's ok if she never considers you this way. You chose her Dad but she never chose you. This isn't a fairy tale.

Good morning mostly happy people.
(Good morning pitchfork crazies).

A clarification, DC14 mostly has one on one time with her Dad. We don't interfere in that at all. The only 'shared time' is in what is in our primary home where 3 other children live full-time so shock horror that is going to impact their majority space in the home and DC14 is going to have to be around them. Unless I'm supposed to vacate our home when DC14 is here so she doesn't cross paths with them. My mind boggles. If her own Dad has decided to create an office in what was a bedroom space and it's actually me that has pushed one of my DC's to give up her bed to accommodate DC14, how is that me not caring? Some people are ridiculously (and amusingly) over the top on here.

DC14 has a better relationship with her Dad thanks to me. Before he and I met, DC14 and DH did not tell one another 'I love you' because it wasn't a phrase that was normalised in their home. Love was shown by DH to the family through providing. They weren't a 'huggy' family, they both hug now and they never really did quality time, they do a lot of that now.

DC14 has never, ever been excluded or made to feel like she isn't part of us, she is and she will remain so. What has been said is that her unkind behaviour will no longer be tolerated and it needs addressing just as, DC10's negative or unkind behaviour isn't tolerated and it is addressed, without any special dispensation for her ASD or the 4 year age gap

Further, I am very pro-contact and time spent with DC14 with my DH. I was single with my 3 children for almost 10 years after a divorce and DH was single for over 3 years after his divorce when we met one another. It isn't at all that we have replaced existing spouses. Yes, dynamics have changed but in case it isn't obvious, when you get married a second time around, with existing children, it isn't always a walk in the park and you cannot be on opposing sides. You either work as a team or you don't bother being together at all.

A small handful of posts on here have been really helpful for us to see a different perspective, and we've had a really good conversation into the early hours (now exhausted for work).
DH understands that the rule has to be the same for all DC regarding unkindness.
DC14 needs some support in understanding ASD.
DC10 will not be giving up her bed which actually my DH never wanted, it was me pushing that 'be kind' narrative.
DH feels DC14 actually needs to spend more time here together than less. I am happy to help with that.

DC14 has many times said very odd things to me, for example when she last came to stay, she made a point of showing me a bra she had packed with her, I told her it was pretty and asked if she would be wearing it? She said no as it was far too small for her. She then went on to say 'it used to be Mum's, it was Dad's favorite bra on her'. I didn't do anything about that comment because I understood that she's processing her Dad's new life.

We've both always understood that all the DC's have their own struggles but they are good children and we will continue to help them to grow and evolve into good adults.
I will also be asking DC14 if she'd like to do the odd day out alone with me, to help us to simply spend time together without any expectation or pressure. We're both fairly confident that she'll agree and if she doesn't then I'll back off and try again.

We can both just sit and protect our own offspring or, we can try and help our family to grow and get strong. Interestingly, DC14's own Mum has the biggest problem with her daughters mean behaviour. It is an issue with other people in the family too and also in her friendship groups. She is desperate for her daughter to show compassion because she actually just shrugs her shoulders when asked about something, says she doesn't care, and then walks off and makes fun of people when they struggle.
She isn't some poor neglected victim who is being forced to do anything against her will. She actually gets her own way pretty much all the time. Yet I still see the hurt kid under all that and I will take the time and energy to help her, but not at the expense of another child(ren) anymore.

Also, someone said something about me moving my DC's into DH's home.

No, DH actually moved into my home with my DCs, where we created space for his DC's.

We have since bought a home together, equal input in the purchase, and my old home has been rented out. There has never been any encroachment on DC14's space. If anything, my DC's and I have made that space for her.

"Ultimately I want a stable family" Unfortunately this is about what you want and not about the needs of the DC. As a PP said you, not your DC, decided to to pursue the relationship with your DH. Any change can be very hard for ND children so asking her to move out of her bed on top of everything else is unbelievable!

"My parenting is underpinned by kindness and compassion for others" but it isn't really is it? Your parenting seems to be underpinned by your desire to play happy families and possibly be seen to be kind and compassionate.

In actual fact you aren't being kind or compassionate to either child: your DD with ASD is not having her needs met (and in fact is being put under an awful lot of stress) and you DSD is having a bond forced upon them.

Either find a way of accommodating both their very different needs (which includes learning more about ASD etc. and how to parent your ND daughter) or live separately.

I suspect your DH needed the space as his new full time housemates are probably quite full-on! I get that - I’d find it hard to live with three step kids!!
Can the office not be her bedroom also?
If there’s another house that’s rented out why don’t you sell it and buy a house big enough for all your needs? Blending is very difficult and you seem to have cut corners that did not need to be cut.

Hello. To help your understanding. The planning of the meal was done by DC14. When asked if she had notified everyone, including her Dad and I, she told her Mum, grandparents, uncle and aunt that yes, we had been told the plans and invited. We hadn't.
She contacted her Dad the day before via text.

Last night, DH spoke to DC14's mum regarding all of this and how they can work together to help their daughter. It was her who told my DH that DC14 had purposely lied and manipulated the situation with her birthday to keep me and my DC away. DH now sees how far DC14's thinking went to behave as she did because she didn't want us there. And that's ok, she doesn't have to have us there but working the way she does to get her own way is worrying and dangerous for her future relationships. DH now sees and accepts what DC14 did was intentional. But it's me who's helped him to see that punishing her isn't the answer. Understanding her pain and talking to her calmly about how this isn't acceptable behaviour will be better.

DC14 has a better relationship with her Dad thanks to me. Before he and I met, DC14 and DH did not tell one another 'I love you' because it wasn't a phrase that was normalised in their home. Love was shown by DH to the family through providing. They weren't a 'huggy' family, they both hug now and they never really did quality time, they do a lot of that now.

Maybe you could consider what this looks like from DSD’s perspective. You came in and even the way that love is shown in her family was wrong and had to fit your idea of ‘the right way’.

She and her dad need to perform family to your expectations. That must feel really hard for her.

It’s not that you don’t mean well here. But you seem to be fixated on particular acts as performances of concepts. Love must be expressed verbally and through frequent hugs. Kindness is telling your child to give up her bed. And so on.

It is precisely this.

I don't think it's ever ok to not understand someones disability. Where does that leave the world?

DC14 actually says that ASD is all in your head. But I don't want to make this situation solely about the ASD. It needs to be balanced with the needs of both children. I am trying.

You're very strange.
How is encouraging a parent and child to show love ever going to be damaging? These are realisations DH has come to on his own after spending time with us. DC14 has expressed that she has always wanted affirmations of love from her Dad, she much prefers it and she also hugs me, off her own accord.

Some people really will find the most bizarre angle to push an even more bizarre opinion.

I am utterly horrified you’d turf her out of her bed, I’d have had a meltdown at that age, I’d have one now! What are you thinking?!

Or maybe you could understand that she’s 14 and almost certainly felt she had to not invite her dad at the last minute because otherwise she’d be guilted into inviting you and your children.

Yes. She lied and manipulated. But you seem more concerned with treating her as a risk to future partners than actually understanding why she would lie and manipulate to be able to have her birthday without you and your children. Why doesn’t she feel she can say ‘I don’t want @Amuseaboosh and her family there’.

She knows there would be consequences for that. Not least more of the ‘be kind’ criticism. But she really didn’t want you there on her birthday. So she did what she could to make it happen without having to ‘be unkind’ to you directly.

I love how selective some of the militant posters are on here. Repeating the same assumptions even though they've already been addressed and clarified.

I again thank the more insightful posts. You've genuinely been really helpful.

The rest, please continue stewing in your own negativity, and while you're at it, look into your own compassion, empathy, and kindness towards a stranger who has reached out for some guidance. I really hope you model better behaviours to your own DC's.

I'm off to Court, let me complete the bitch stepmother view, I'm also a Solicitor, pitchforks at the ready!!!!

😁

Could the 14 year old have the top bunk in DD9's room, so she consistently has a bed and a room where she's based?

Honestly I think you have to lay the groundwork here about basic tolerance and politeness but no other requirements. You can be clear that neither girl needs to be friendly with the other, but they will tolerate each others existence, be cordial and polite, not actively exclude one another. And then stamp on the behaviour if needed. Anything else above that is a bonus.

You also need to sort out the space within your house. It’s fairly bonkers to have a 10yo in a super king bed if there is a child without personal space. Probably the better solution would have been to give the office room to your 10yo as personal and private space and set the other room up as a spare/office. Not perfect but then at least the 14yo is sharing her space with dad and not your kids, and the use of the room shouldn’t overlap too much.

I feel for you and your family dynamics but absolutely so not move your 10 year old out of her bed and bedroom for the step sister. This will create huge resentment. You are telling her that the 14 year old more important. Equally you need to find space for the 14 year old! If she has a super king then her room is obviously big enough for two singles or bunk beds.

I could not live with a man who treated his own child like this. Please end it before it impacts your own children further.

If when she was asked why she excluded, she had said 'I don't want them there', I would have respected that.

Sorry @Amuseaboosh but given all your posts on this thread, and your tone to PPs who challenge you, or with whom you disagree, I highly doubt that
a) your DSD would have felt comfortable making her feelings clear to you
and
b) that you would have respected those feelings

You seem to really resent this DSD, and your posts appear to be very biased towards your own children.

You may be different in real life, but if what you're feeling able to say here in an anonymous forum, is what you really think and feel, you should be in no doubt that your DSD can pick up these feelings.

I feel really sorry for your DSD.

The 14 year old needs the dads office for her bedroom. She needs to have a bed at least that is her own. What child should visit their dad and have no where to sleep.
I agree that she doesn't need her own bedroom when she's not there all the time but maybe a bed in dad office? Or dads office can be moved into the living area downstairs. She's likely to feel completely pushed out of her dads family home. I feel sad for her.
BTW I have two step children who come and stay once a week so I completely understand where the difficulty comes in fitting everyone in. She's 14 though not 24 and she needs a bed!