Wedding drama and upset

[namechangegameagain]

So I'm going to reference my partners daughter as DSD(14) but I know by mumsnet standards I'm not her step parent until we are married but I have been with her dad for 7 years in her life officially 4 years ish . Parents divorced when she was one and mum has partner and both co parent well. I like my DSD and in terms of relationship I'm like a aunty and we have a close bond.. or so I thought ☹️

Disclaimer I like mum and I don't believe any of this drama is coming from her (but I could be wrong)

So my DP proposed and I said yes (yay). And DSD has now apparently said to her mum that actually she hates me and wants her parents back together and has repeatedly said to her dad that if he marries me she's cutting contact.

I thought this would just be a blip and we would move past it once all emotions settled down. But it hasn't and it's been months and what's worse it's escalated. Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

I'm heartbroken. This is a girl who I baked with, made Christmas cards for both the parents, been her confidant ect and friend.

Her dads been reassuring her, they spend lots of one on one time together as I travel for work and she's part of the family as far as I'm concerned. So this has literally come from out the blue.

Dad asked her if she expects him to be single for the rest of his life and she said yes and if he's lonely he can always get back with mum.

She's been to counselling and all she said is that her parents are meant to be together and that I'm essentially the other women in the eyes of the church as there's no such thing as divorce. What's weird is she isn't religious although mum is. All mums said on the matter is that she's surprised he's remarrying but happy for him and she doesn't know where the religious stuff is coming from but isn't from her.

Just before anyone says it mum ended the marriage because she met her now partner (and is still with him to be fair) and it was all amicable and I certainly wasn't the other women.

Do I run ? Will this ever get better ? I obviously don't want to cause my DSD to cut off her dad or to be so unhappy but it's put a real cloud on things. DSD won't even talk to me anymore until dad agrees not to marry me and for me to take off the engagement ring he gave me which makes the atmosphere at home really awful (we have her 50/50)

I can see my partner is starting to regret even proposing due to all the stress and I'm also getting to that point tbh.

She's nearly 15 and is usually of a good natured disposition but has her moments (like every other child) and is very very smart. She just will not move or engage further with anyone (therapist included). I don't see how this can work as she's said she will not attend the wedding and I know I want her there and so does my partner and I don't see how we can get married without her. She's family.

Please help. This has gotten me so low.

I do hope your DP realises that if he gives in to her manipulations and demands then he is not only teaching her a dreadful lesson but also encouraging her unreasonable behaviour and setting himself up for a life of misery!

The thing is though, the OP is not a teaching aid for someone else's problems. She may learn a valuable life lesson, or the OP could suffer years of emotional manipulation at the hands of her DSD.

I think the OP is just as important in all this as the DSD. Her future will be hugely impacted by all this drama.

Very well said!

I have known my DSD for 17 years and she was BY FAR the most horrible when she was 14/15, so I wouldn’t necessarily run. Hard situation though, you might have been better marrying 4 years ago!

This. Why isn't this a problem too? Why hasn't mum pointed out they won't get back together as both have new partners?

Personally I'd clear off to the Registry Office together and do the deed. Have a nice meal after and keep shtum...let her work it out..

I broke up with dd dad when she was very little. He was with his partner who was OW for years before I met my husband. They arent married but lived together.

Dh and dd got on so well she love him. I got engaged and after our wedding the shit absolutely hit the fan.

Dd was absolutely heartbroken because me getting married for her cut of any hope of me and her dad getting back together.

She hated us all at different times because deep down she just did not want to have two families and wanted her dad and I to be together. We had a couple years of hell with lots of counselling which both her dad and I attended with her at times.

She is in her 20s now and has great relationships with both her SP.

I would get married. With your dp accepting that she may pull away for awhile. He should do therapy with her.

And thinking of her as a spoilt brat and everything else she's been called on this thread won't help your DP keep a relationship with her.

Children step and bio aren't perfect they will mess up act out and at times put relationships under pressure. But most of the time they grow up to be decent adults don't give up hope yet.

Dad needs to sit down with DD and explain that he and mum are never, ever getting back together, and the sooner she accepts this, and stops fantasizing about it, the happier she will be. If she has to be told that their relationship broke up because mum cheated on him and has got feet of clay, then so be it. It sounds very much like this young lady has put Mum on a pedestal because she has been programmed to. Perhaps a dose of reality is actually due. 15 isn’t too young for this.

I teach secondary and 14/15 year olds girls are the hardest group to deal with because they are battling with hormones and emotions/friendship issues etc -they do settle down and by 16/17 are much more reasonable and nice to be around. Her dad just needs to calmly make it clear to her that her and her mum are not getting back together and he is marrying you. Then no more discussion about it. She may c stop/refuse to see him temporarily but as long he stays calm she c will l come round.

It's interesting that this has come while her mum and partner are splitting up - if I understand correctly he's been her 'step dad' since she was 1, so that's bound to be an unsettling thing for her. And she can't remember her parents being together so she maybe has an idealised version of what they would be like and thinks things would be more stable, less changes. Or perhaps she just wants to have some control with all these changes happening, and this is the only way she can see to do that?

I doubt it's come from comments from friends (unless as a pp said one has had a difficult step mother experience), as from what I've seen parents not together would be pretty normal for teenagers these days.

The religion thing is also interesting. Has she shown an interest in religion in any other ways recently? I know a few people who were brought up not religious and became so at times when they were going through changes in there life or difficult times eg starting uni, becoming a single parent, serious illness in family, divorce etc. They got a lot of comfort from it, and also community. In some cases this lasted and they are committed Christians now, and in others it was a phase and they are back to atheism now. Admittedly they were all adults and went to church so got the friendship and community side, which it doesn't sound like she does, but I could imagine it's something you could get into online, and if she's feeling uncertain about things due to changes in both parents relationships and general teenage issues / changes, it could be something to cling to?

No easy answers to this one really!

She's very angry. Probably at the whole thing.

You're an easy target. The engagement/ marriage is perhaps the one thing she thinks she can control. Perhaps she feels like things happen in her life all the time and she has no control or say. Whether she should have control or say is another matter.

So I suspect you meant a lot to her. And she knows your relationship with her meant a lot to you too. So this is how she exerts control.

It will pass but maybe not for a few years until she grows into young adulthood and starts forging her own life and relations external to her family.

When I say the whole thing, I mean her mother, her mother's dp, her dad, you etc.

Well that sounds positive then. I agree not speaking badly of her is fine, sounds like he has wholly moved on (and no surprise, she sounds pretty awful!) I think as others have said DP needs to tackle the Mum's break up head on, explain that they will not get back together irrespective of this, and remain firm that he is marrying you. DSD will probably pull away for a bit but ultimately she needs her Dad and if he keeps reaching out, I think she will come back. She won't have forgotten the kindness you showed her and the nice times together - I am sure it doesn't feel like that now but I do think she is at the worst age and will come out the other side in a year or two. Hang in there!

Continue with your plans. Any extreme behaviour such as tantrums about your ring or whatever should be met with calm disapproval. I would also suggest your dp takes her back to her mother's house if she is kicking in doors etc and say when you are ready to calm down and apologise give me a call. She is 15 not 5 and all the adults need to stop accepting this behaviour.

You sound lovely OP, but I think you need to be very wary.

She is an only child that appears in control of everyone.

Kicking holes in doors?

Is she dragged up?

Dreadful behaviour that is not normal.

I don't think he is worth it.

She likes the level of control she has, so it may well continue.

She is in your home ignoring you?

Her father is allowing this dreadful behaviour and if you marry him, it will be you the adult expected to suck it up.

Her father is getting everything here so has no reason to deal with this.

He is not dealing with this behaviour which is only setting her up for worse behaviour.

Your deserve better than this?

Whose house is it?

If it's yours, he needs to see her elsewhere.

If its jointly owned, I think you need to move selling up.

Don't sign up for a life of drama, he really isnt worth it.

You need to harden up and stop accepting this.

Time and time again women regret their decisions to sign up for this drama.

No man is worth this stress.