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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wedding drama and upset

114 replies

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 16:15

So I'm going to reference my partners daughter as DSD(14) but I know by mumsnet standards I'm not her step parent until we are married but I have been with her dad for 7 years in her life officially 4 years ish . Parents divorced when she was one and mum has partner and both co parent well. I like my DSD and in terms of relationship I'm like a aunty and we have a close bond.. or so I thought ☹️

Disclaimer I like mum and I don't believe any of this drama is coming from her (but I could be wrong)

So my DP proposed and I said yes (yay). And DSD has now apparently said to her mum that actually she hates me and wants her parents back together and has repeatedly said to her dad that if he marries me she's cutting contact.

I thought this would just be a blip and we would move past it once all emotions settled down. But it hasn't and it's been months and what's worse it's escalated. Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

I'm heartbroken. This is a girl who I baked with, made Christmas cards for both the parents, been her confidant ect and friend.

Her dads been reassuring her, they spend lots of one on one time together as I travel for work and she's part of the family as far as I'm concerned. So this has literally come from out the blue.

Dad asked her if she expects him to be single for the rest of his life and she said yes and if he's lonely he can always get back with mum.

She's been to counselling and all she said is that her parents are meant to be together and that I'm essentially the other women in the eyes of the church as there's no such thing as divorce. What's weird is she isn't religious although mum is. All mums said on the matter is that she's surprised he's remarrying but happy for him and she doesn't know where the religious stuff is coming from but isn't from her.

Just before anyone says it mum ended the marriage because she met her now partner (and is still with him to be fair) and it was all amicable and I certainly wasn't the other women.

Do I run ? Will this ever get better ? I obviously don't want to cause my DSD to cut off her dad or to be so unhappy but it's put a real cloud on things. DSD won't even talk to me anymore until dad agrees not to marry me and for me to take off the engagement ring he gave me which makes the atmosphere at home really awful (we have her 50/50)

I can see my partner is starting to regret even proposing due to all the stress and I'm also getting to that point tbh.

She's nearly 15 and is usually of a good natured disposition but has her moments (like every other child) and is very very smart. She just will not move or engage further with anyone (therapist included). I don't see how this can work as she's said she will not attend the wedding and I know I want her there and so does my partner and I don't see how we can get married without her. She's family.

Please help. This has gotten me so low.

OP posts:
HarrietSchulenberg · 31/12/2022 18:19

I think her father needs to be very clear and consistent with the message that he and her mother are never going to be a couple again. She really needs to understand that.
He also needs to be unreactive to her threat to stop seeing him and make clear that he does not want that to happen, but if she chooses to do it he will respect her choice and won't pester her even though he would be very sad. He needs to call her bluff, essentially, but in a gentle way.
The lesson she learns about manipulative behaviour now will be what she carries into adult life. She needs to learn that it doesn't work and it's not acceptable.
Your role here is to stay put, if that's what you want, and make sure your DP handles his daughter. Good luck.

FestiveDove · 31/12/2022 18:24

She’s being manipulative and trying to control the situation. If you give in on this one, then every time she wants her own way she’ll threaten to cut contact.
Don’t give in to her. Maybe get her Dad to have a sit down chat and make it clear that you’d love her to be there but the wedding will go ahead regardless.

OttersMayHaveShiftedInTransit · 31/12/2022 18:29

@namechangegameagain are you of child bearing age? I'm wondering if, as an only child, she is worried that the wedding will be followed by a little half sibling or two and she is worried that her dad will not feel the same about her once he has a new baby.

quietnightmare · 31/12/2022 18:30

Mum needs to out her big girl pants on and tell her daughter to not be so cruel

Stepdaughter needs to stop being so cruel

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 31/12/2022 18:30

She's 14- she doesn't get to make decisions for her parents. Her parents do not have to justify their life choices to her. Stop giving her the impression she has any kind of input into this.
I get that she may have initially been upset as it's confirmation her parents are not getting back together but at 14, she really needs to accept this and stop acting like a young child.
You and your fiancée need to do the right thing for you as a couple. You've been kind enough to be gentle about the situation and take her thoughts into consideration but given how she is behaving, I think you should just push forward with your plans and I'm sure she will come round when she realises it's happening anyway.
Congratulations

NeedsMoreSpice · 31/12/2022 18:31

He needs to step up and parent. This isn’t a negotiation, it’s happening.

She is very welcome to come, he’ll be disappointed and deeply hurt by her actions if she chooses not to, but regardless you’ll be getting married.

You’ll be wearing your ring as you choose, it’s your ring, your body and your choice. If she chooses not to visit that will deeply hurt him and she can always change her mind, but this is not something she gets a say in.

If people ask about the engagement/wedding you will answer. This is part of polite conversation. If she tantrums like a toddler he will treat her like a toddler.

She thinks you won’t be truly married in the eyes of the church? That’s ok, lots of people have fundamentally different beliefs around marriage. But legally you will be married. She can hold her beliefs without being rude.

Just calm, clear, consistent, confident.

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 18:33

Does she think that if you get married the next step will be a new baby & that’s what she’s actually worried about?

Neolara · 31/12/2022 18:37

This is exactly what I was going to say..

Neolara · 31/12/2022 18:38

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 18:33

Does she think that if you get married the next step will be a new baby & that’s what she’s actually worried about?

This is exactly what I was going to say.

lunar1 · 31/12/2022 18:39

I think her parents need a chat with school, this is really odd behaviour for a teenager who has been previously absolutely fine with both her parents relationships. It's just so extreme, especially the religious comments.

At her age friends and SM could be a much bigger influence than her parents.

AnnieKenney · 31/12/2022 18:43

I wonder if she thinks you will have children once you are married and then she will be left behind whilst her dad gets on with his new family?

Doyoumind · 31/12/2022 18:44

I'm sure she doesn't really expect her parents to get back together. That's just an excuse because she thinks it will change her relationship or standing with her dad. She doesn't want change and was probably shocked by the news and, being the age she is, now won't back down from her position.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 18:46

TBH this is difficult.

On the one hand I can see that you don’t want to be manipulated by your DSD, however on the other hand if a woman posted here that her children were upset and refusing to come to the wedding she would be told that she needs to put her children first and that there will be a reason why her children are so against the wedding.

I think your DP needs to put his dd first, however difficult this is. I do think he needs to talk to her and make it very clear that he and her mum are never getting back together even if he doesn’t marry you, but I’ll be honest, there is no way in hell I would risk being cut off by my children, and I would personally end the relationship first, which is why I can see why his friend said what he did.

It’s very easy to sit on the sidelines and say that she is a spoiled brat, and maybe she is. But is he really prepared to risk losing his child? Really? Personally I would end the relationship before he does, because IMO it’s more than likely that he will.

Nosleepforthismum · 31/12/2022 18:46

HarrietSchulenberg · 31/12/2022 18:19

I think her father needs to be very clear and consistent with the message that he and her mother are never going to be a couple again. She really needs to understand that.
He also needs to be unreactive to her threat to stop seeing him and make clear that he does not want that to happen, but if she chooses to do it he will respect her choice and won't pester her even though he would be very sad. He needs to call her bluff, essentially, but in a gentle way.
The lesson she learns about manipulative behaviour now will be what she carries into adult life. She needs to learn that it doesn't work and it's not acceptable.
Your role here is to stay put, if that's what you want, and make sure your DP handles his daughter. Good luck.

I agree with this. The worst thing dad can do is give in to her but he should also try to be sensitive to her feelings.

Don’t worry OP. I was 22 when my DF got remarried and I was a little bratty about it if I’m being honest. It would have been a million times worse at 14/15. For me, it was simply that things were changing and out of my control. Fortunately, I had already moved out when their engagement was announced (and I was an adult) so my brattish behaviour was mainly confined to mean bitching sessions about our new step mum to my sister and one drunken outburst to my dad. We were firmly put in our place and our SM had the patience of a saint looking back but 10 years on, I adore her, she makes my dad happy, my DS knows her as Nanny, I call her occasionally for chats and she is very much part of the family.

Let your DP firmly handle this and she will come round.

Giggorata · 31/12/2022 18:50

Odd that her mother leaving the marriage and having a new partner isn't regarded as her choosing him over her daughter… and that she has decided to support her daughter's unreasonable behaviour…. 🤔

A teenaged girl shouldn’t be able to dictate the terms of her parents' lives. Every time she doesn't get her own way from now on, she will threaten to cease contact, or worse.
She has to learn that she doesn’t get a say in things. And that people don't have to walk on eggshells around her, for fear of tantrums.
I hope you took the damage to the door out of any pocket money she may get from you.

The only thing that would prevent me going right ahead is the perception you mention that your DP is now regretting it and his best friend's remark that he rather weirdly conveyed to you, about are you worth the hassle.
Really, what man talks about his best friend's long term partner like that? - unless it is felt that it might be acceptable to your DP
Do you know what his reply was?
Has he been reassuring?

JackieQueen · 31/12/2022 18:52

quietnightmare · 31/12/2022 18:30

Mum needs to out her big girl pants on and tell her daughter to not be so cruel

Stepdaughter needs to stop being so cruel

I don't think she's being cruel at all, she just sounds very hurt.

DPotter · 31/12/2022 18:52

Is there a grandmother who can step in and talk her through the situation ? father, mother and OP are all to close, maybe a granny can get through to her.

If I were in your situation name and I suspected she might be concerned about a baby sibling, I might ask, or get her Dad to ask if this is in the back of her mind. If it is, might be worth pointing out couples don't need to be married to have babies

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 18:52

I agree with a PP that this sounds more like social media influence than parental influence. The whole religion thing has an almost cult like element to it.

wp65 · 31/12/2022 18:52

HarrietSchulenberg · 31/12/2022 18:19

I think her father needs to be very clear and consistent with the message that he and her mother are never going to be a couple again. She really needs to understand that.
He also needs to be unreactive to her threat to stop seeing him and make clear that he does not want that to happen, but if she chooses to do it he will respect her choice and won't pester her even though he would be very sad. He needs to call her bluff, essentially, but in a gentle way.
The lesson she learns about manipulative behaviour now will be what she carries into adult life. She needs to learn that it doesn't work and it's not acceptable.
Your role here is to stay put, if that's what you want, and make sure your DP handles his daughter. Good luck.

Agree with this - good advice.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 18:56

So how many people here would be prepared to lose their children over something like this.

I guarantee that if this was a woman posting she would be accused of putting a man before her kids.

I can see that the message should be conveyed that the parents aren’t going to be getting back together, but there’s no way the DP should be marrying the OP at this stage given what’s at steak. I wouldn’t necessarily say they need to split, but this needs resolving if possible, and if not then he needs to put his dd first and reconsider this relationship.

Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 18:57

Would being too outting, and also personally it's a rather sensitive/upsetting subject but I can't have children but I am of a age where women do happily. Not me sadly.

DSD knows this and the reason (there is literally 0 possibility of it for me) but I'm not sure mum knows this because I haven't shared and my partner certainly hasn't. DSD may have said she can't have children and mums gone yes yes that's what they all say (without actually knowing the details why it's 0% chance it ever happening).

I'm not sure but I think maybe I have had my head in the sand re mum. Just heard from mum and her partner have split up, I don't know the ins and outs. DSD is joyful, mum said it was long time coming.

I don't want to think badly of mum, as I would hope people wouldn't automatically think I'm a awful person. But I have a nagging feeling.

I'm worried maybe DSD might be getting hassle for not having her parents together in school ? Is that a thing (many years ago since I was in school).

Thank you all for your comments. School says nothing new to report she's always has been a straight a student (with zero effort on her part - her words) but always been young for her age.

I wouldn't call her a brat though in response to some of the comments, I care about this kid she's why I'm posting.

I hadn't really realised that the words she's been using aren't really right for her (that's not a knock on her) don't quite match her language now I come to think about it.

I really love this man and I care deeply for this girl. But this is a lot of drama and if it is mum ? I mean my partner can do his best but doesn't that mean the cycle will never end ?

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 18:59

@Nosleepforthismum

Your post has made me tear up a bit. God I hope it turns out ok in the end

OP posts:
goldfinchfan · 31/12/2022 19:00

GSG is 14 years old. She is flexing her muscles to see how far she can cause trouble for you.
She believes she wants her parents to be together because that is mostly what kids want, but she knows it won't ever happen and she can put her anger into hating you.
Do not let her affect you. She willl grow up and have her own life and maybe even say sorry for how she is behaving now.

MayThe4th · 31/12/2022 19:01

I'm worried maybe DSD might be getting hassle for not having her parents together in school ? Is that a thing (many years ago since I was in school). I’d say it’s more likely that she has friends whose parents have got together with new partners and the kids have been sidelined as a result. Unfortunately it happens all too often, and so if she’s seen it from her friends then she has good reason to think that it could happen with her.

Maggiesgirl · 31/12/2022 19:03

Do you think it may be that if you were married, you might have a child yourself, in her eyes.

You said she's a only child maybe that is what she is scared of.

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