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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Wedding drama and upset

114 replies

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 16:15

So I'm going to reference my partners daughter as DSD(14) but I know by mumsnet standards I'm not her step parent until we are married but I have been with her dad for 7 years in her life officially 4 years ish . Parents divorced when she was one and mum has partner and both co parent well. I like my DSD and in terms of relationship I'm like a aunty and we have a close bond.. or so I thought ☹️

Disclaimer I like mum and I don't believe any of this drama is coming from her (but I could be wrong)

So my DP proposed and I said yes (yay). And DSD has now apparently said to her mum that actually she hates me and wants her parents back together and has repeatedly said to her dad that if he marries me she's cutting contact.

I thought this would just be a blip and we would move past it once all emotions settled down. But it hasn't and it's been months and what's worse it's escalated. Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

I'm heartbroken. This is a girl who I baked with, made Christmas cards for both the parents, been her confidant ect and friend.

Her dads been reassuring her, they spend lots of one on one time together as I travel for work and she's part of the family as far as I'm concerned. So this has literally come from out the blue.

Dad asked her if she expects him to be single for the rest of his life and she said yes and if he's lonely he can always get back with mum.

She's been to counselling and all she said is that her parents are meant to be together and that I'm essentially the other women in the eyes of the church as there's no such thing as divorce. What's weird is she isn't religious although mum is. All mums said on the matter is that she's surprised he's remarrying but happy for him and she doesn't know where the religious stuff is coming from but isn't from her.

Just before anyone says it mum ended the marriage because she met her now partner (and is still with him to be fair) and it was all amicable and I certainly wasn't the other women.

Do I run ? Will this ever get better ? I obviously don't want to cause my DSD to cut off her dad or to be so unhappy but it's put a real cloud on things. DSD won't even talk to me anymore until dad agrees not to marry me and for me to take off the engagement ring he gave me which makes the atmosphere at home really awful (we have her 50/50)

I can see my partner is starting to regret even proposing due to all the stress and I'm also getting to that point tbh.

She's nearly 15 and is usually of a good natured disposition but has her moments (like every other child) and is very very smart. She just will not move or engage further with anyone (therapist included). I don't see how this can work as she's said she will not attend the wedding and I know I want her there and so does my partner and I don't see how we can get married without her. She's family.

Please help. This has gotten me so low.

OP posts:

barleyawake · 31/12/2022 17:00

she's immature and manipulating the situation. She doesn't get to pull ultimatums like this. Marrying her father isn't him choosing you over her. I recommend having a long engagement. Sounds like them mum may have more influence than you think. I would not support my child cutting off her father for this reason, and her mother shouldn't either.

RudolphTheGreat · 31/12/2022 17:03

Yet she hasn't cut off her mum for having a partner. This is ridiculous

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 31/12/2022 17:10

Ignore the brat, she'll have to accept it eventually.

Don't let her be a drama queen.

ExplodingCarrots · 31/12/2022 17:13

Let me guess , she has no issue with her mums partner ?
She's very very manipulative and if her dad listens to her then he's going to lead a very lonely life . It's ok for mum to have a partner but not dad . She's just a jealous and immature girl . I don't know how to proceed with this OP but I really do feel for you. What has your partner said ?

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 17:14

Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

This is appalling behaviour from the mum, extremely manipulative. You must see that she is the one pulling the strings on this one surely?

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:20

The thing is, I get it I get wanting your parents back together. As a instance reaction I get it but it's been months, and it seems to be getting worse.

The situation with mum I just don't get it, I suspect it's because she's been saying mum and her partner haven't been getting on so doesn't seem like he's going to be a permanent fixture. I did point out that all adults argue at the time and she said but my mum and dad didn't 😵‍💫 DH jumped in and said to her she wasn't around when him and mum were together but she shrugged it off.

It's like she's cast me as the evil stepmum in parent trap and suddenly all the years we have had together has vanished.

I mean we can have a long engagement but at this rate I doubt we would ever get married because if his daughter doesn't want to be there, it's gonna be awful to explain to people.

That and if we mention the wedding she's going to stop seeing her dad. I thought mum would be saying that's not right but I'm just baffled.

Me and mum have always gotten on well.

Anyone been in this situation and come out the other end ?

Am I mad for still wanting to marry this man. With a DSD who now seems to hate me. Which is upsetting in itself because we were close (until this obviously).

I feel like I have done something terrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:21

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 17:14

This is appalling behaviour from the mum, extremely manipulative. You must see that she is the one pulling the strings on this one surely?

In fairness to mum, she's had DSD kicking off at her in quite extreme ways about this and I suspect has just caved due to the pressure. As it's just been a lot.

It could be mum but I don't know what she would have to gain from it ? She left the marriage

OP posts:

Chickpea17 · 31/12/2022 17:25

Absolutely do not let her get away with she's acting like a spoiled brat.

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:27

ExplodingCarrots · 31/12/2022 17:13

My partner had said give it time she will come around ect. Hormones, he got her to a counsellor who is also bit baffled.

He has had heart to hearts, he's been stern, he's been calm he's done appropriate punishments when she's kicked off (she kicked the door so hard it literally came off it's hinges in what could be described as a tantrum). It was a old door tbf but still.

She just will not move and gets enraged when it's brought up. Thing is she's so cross it's like we are talking about murdering kittens. Which to me isn't how your supposed to feel about your wedding.

I can't stress enough my DSD before this perfectly fine, model student, friends, ect.

My partners best friend has said to my partner - are you really sure you want to marry this women. Is it worth the hassle 😵‍💫

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 17:34

Have you set a date yet? I agree with previous poster that a long engagement would be best.

For now, I would keep wearing the ring but stop talking about the wedding.

Remagirl · 31/12/2022 17:35

In your shoes I'd just carry on and ignore. There is no need at all to be feeding these bizarre emotions. You could ask her to be bridesmaid and make her feel part of things? If she declines and sulks so be it.

BlueKaftan · 31/12/2022 17:38

I’d end the engagement and dump both of them. It’s not worth the hassle.

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:43

@Remagirl we have already asked and that prompted the door kicking situation. Never in a million years apparently.

@Shelby2010 yes for a years time give or take. I have to say I'm 100% not taking the ring off unless it's my choice or my partners.

I also don't think given the timescales this drama has been going on that delaying it is gonna help.

We have grey rocked until now in her presence re the wedding but people ask us about it when we have DSD and I can't control what other people say, as I said she's home with us 50% of the time and it's making me act like someone asking about it will make a bomb go off. Example A neighbour commented on my ring (in passing) and that prompted a week of I'm not going to dads until she takes it off. Mum was going on a girls holiday and she had to come to ours but that was days spent in total silence not just for me but my partner.

It's bizarre but also I'm not ashamed of being engaged. I am was excited.

OP posts:

dropthevipers · 31/12/2022 17:43

So you have a clear choice. Either be dictated to by a spoilt brat or not? She seems to think the world revolves around her and her wishes are paramount. Fuck that for a lark.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2022 17:47

They change a lot in these teenage years. I’d suggest being engaged for a couple of years - it’s likely to be very different in a few years

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:50

dropthevipers · 31/12/2022 17:43

So you have a clear choice. Either be dictated to by a spoilt brat or not? She seems to think the world revolves around her and her wishes are paramount. Fuck that for a lark.

I mean this is why I don't want to postpone it tbh.

I also don't want to live in a land of maybe she will come around ?

This isn't normal reaction right ?

OP posts:

dropthevipers · 31/12/2022 17:55

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 17:50

I mean this is why I don't want to postpone it tbh.

I also don't want to live in a land of maybe she will come around ?

This isn't normal reaction right ?

Show quote history

It's apparently normal for her. She, I guess would just love to go back to how things were, and the fly in the ointment preventing that is you (why mum's bloke isn't is above my pay grade). My best guess is that if you got married she would have to suck it up. Eventually.

parietal · 31/12/2022 17:58

Is it a control thing that she feels her life is out of her control and she wants to be boss? Can you talk about things you can't control and give her other things she can control. Also about how things won't change after the wedding- same people living in same houses I assume? Grey rock on the topic and more counselling also sound like the right things to do.

Schoolchoicesucks · 31/12/2022 17:59

Gosh, she's 15! I thought she was going to be under 10.

How hard for all of you. Clearly there is no way her parents are going to get back together. It does sound as though she needs counselling to work through whatever is going on with this sudden religious reading of things and how it seems to be the marriage prospect that has triggered everything when she seemed to be ok with everyone co-habiting with new partners.

Would I get married in these circumstances? Probably not. I guess I'd be hoping that she would mature, work through these issues, have a long engagement. I wouldn't want to marry knowing that was the thing that would cut off my dh from his daughter. But if she's making life difficult anyway since the engagement then there is still an issue to deal with.

I'd be expecting mum to back up your dh in this situation. Being clear with her that there is no prospect of anyone getting back together. That you and he have been together for a long time and the marriage is just a formalisation of that. That it doesn't mean they are not still both her parents.

I imagine this must all be coming from a place of insecurity - setting some clear boundaries around what acceptable behaviour from her, what will be tolerated and what won't. She doesn't have to be happy about the wedding or engagement, she doesn't have to be bridesmaid, you can't really force her to attend - but she can't set rules for her dad and she can't be rude to you. If she refuses to see him, at 15 she can't be forced to and all he (and you) can do is let her know the door is open and maintain some contact - cards or notes, thoughtful gifts, links to interesting articles, invitations to places or events...

MelchiorsMistress · 31/12/2022 18:01

Is there a reason you’re in a hurry to get married? I agree with the suggestion of a long engagement with no plan to marry any time soon. Your dsd is young and at a particularly selfish and insecure age, but she will grow up more quickly than it feels when you’re in the middle of it. Don’t take it personally, her behaviour is not a reflection on you.

MeridianB · 31/12/2022 18:04

whattodo1975 · 31/12/2022 17:14

This is appalling behaviour from the mum, extremely manipulative. You must see that she is the one pulling the strings on this one surely?

I agree with this view. It may not all have been recent, but the comments DSD has made don't sound like a 14yo. Especially the one about 'he will never be divorced in the eyes of the church'!!!!

If the mother was the person you believe her to be then she would have had a compassionate conversation with her DD and then nipped the whole thing in the bud.

DH has tried everything. Now it's time to stick to one thing. I'm not expert but wonder if he has one last chat to lay out the options (tell me what the problem is, we solve it and move on - or - if there is no real problem then we all move on). Then he needs to behave totally normally and ignore, ignore, ignore any nonsense.

But you are 100% right to look to your DP's reaction as a guide to whether you should marry - if he is wavering then you can be pretty sure this will never be resolved and DD will hold the power (possibly for the rest of DP's life). Also, you definitely don't want to be in the firing line if DD does follow through and go NC with her father.

BTW, DP should never have passed on his best friend's comment (interesting that the friend apparently questioned whether you were worth it, rather than helping your DP resolve things with his DD). You

The next few weeks should tell you what you need to know. Sorry what should have been a happy time has been so grim.

PennyRa · 31/12/2022 18:05

Her father needs to sort out family therapy

Original poster

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 18:11

I mean I have been with him for 7 years I don't think getting married in a year or so is that much of a rush tbh.

It's not like I have randomly appeared. I suspect it's about control tbh, she is very much a only child and lived like one (and I am to blame for this too tbh because she is was will be again hopefully a dot (term of endearment)

It's just a lot

OP posts:

QueenCremant · 31/12/2022 18:13

This all seems so weird. Do you think there could be something else bothering her and she’s just using this to avoid whatever it really is. Is everything ok at school/friendships etc?

villamariavintrapp · 31/12/2022 18:14

I'd just continue with your plans, and keep open to contact on your partner's times even if she doesn't come. I imagine if her mum has her 100% of the time she'll soon be encouraging her back to dad's!

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