Wedding drama and upset

[namechangegameagain]

So I'm going to reference my partners daughter as DSD(14) but I know by mumsnet standards I'm not her step parent until we are married but I have been with her dad for 7 years in her life officially 4 years ish . Parents divorced when she was one and mum has partner and both co parent well. I like my DSD and in terms of relationship I'm like a aunty and we have a close bond.. or so I thought ☹️

Disclaimer I like mum and I don't believe any of this drama is coming from her (but I could be wrong)

So my DP proposed and I said yes (yay). And DSD has now apparently said to her mum that actually she hates me and wants her parents back together and has repeatedly said to her dad that if he marries me she's cutting contact.

I thought this would just be a blip and we would move past it once all emotions settled down. But it hasn't and it's been months and what's worse it's escalated. Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

I'm heartbroken. This is a girl who I baked with, made Christmas cards for both the parents, been her confidant ect and friend.

Her dads been reassuring her, they spend lots of one on one time together as I travel for work and she's part of the family as far as I'm concerned. So this has literally come from out the blue.

Dad asked her if she expects him to be single for the rest of his life and she said yes and if he's lonely he can always get back with mum.

She's been to counselling and all she said is that her parents are meant to be together and that I'm essentially the other women in the eyes of the church as there's no such thing as divorce. What's weird is she isn't religious although mum is. All mums said on the matter is that she's surprised he's remarrying but happy for him and she doesn't know where the religious stuff is coming from but isn't from her.

Just before anyone says it mum ended the marriage because she met her now partner (and is still with him to be fair) and it was all amicable and I certainly wasn't the other women.

Do I run ? Will this ever get better ? I obviously don't want to cause my DSD to cut off her dad or to be so unhappy but it's put a real cloud on things. DSD won't even talk to me anymore until dad agrees not to marry me and for me to take off the engagement ring he gave me which makes the atmosphere at home really awful (we have her 50/50)

I can see my partner is starting to regret even proposing due to all the stress and I'm also getting to that point tbh.

She's nearly 15 and is usually of a good natured disposition but has her moments (like every other child) and is very very smart. She just will not move or engage further with anyone (therapist included). I don't see how this can work as she's said she will not attend the wedding and I know I want her there and so does my partner and I don't see how we can get married without her. She's family.

Please help. This has gotten me so low.

If I were her mother, and my DD had a previously good relationship with you, I’d be doing some digging to find out what DDs actual issue is. Teens will lash out at X situation when it’s really Y situation that is bothering them.

I certainly wouldn’t be encouraging the behaviour.

Partners response was she's definitely worth it.

His best friend is also married to mums best friend if that makes sense. He's never been team me (as I think the split made his life difficult from what I hear.)

I think I'm reading to much into it on partners part just who would want their kid to be this upset, if I had a child a smal part of me would be regretting it too . I would get it if I was new on the scene but I have a sofa that's newer than me in terms of family longevity and DSD life.

No I can't have children. 0% chance

I'm another who expected it to be a younger child, I'd be pretty unimpressed by this from a 15 year old.

I wouldn't call off the wedding, maybe just stay engaged for a while for her to get used to the idea, but you will have to decide whether you still want to be in the relationship if the relationship with DSD becomes tumultuous from now on.

I think your DSD's Mum should be telling her that she's ridiculous. She shouldn't be supporting a child cutting out a parent just because they're getting married. Especially when you've been together for so long anyway and a wedding isn't really going to change the day to day stuff.

Also if her parents split when she was just 1, she has never even known a reality when they've been together which makes her behaviour even weirder! As for the posters who suggest it's because the DSD is worried about them having a baby, what's the difference between her being able to dictate that decision against their decision to get married?

I mean I wonder if it's coming not from DSD. Either school or somewhere else in a kinda look my parents are together and yours aren't type of way.

Which I hope to be the case and not it coming from mum getting her hopes up at a reunion which by breathing I have scuppered.

It doesn't make sense for DSD to spontaneously be like this. Kinda the reason I posted tbh

OP this is terrible behaviour from a child of that age! She has made it clear that she doesn’t care whether her dad is alone and unhappy as a result of her demands, you would expect this kind of attitude from a small child.

Honestly you and your DP are going to be in for a rough ride.
His ex is definitely pouring the poison here. I had a similar situation with my DSD when DH and I got engaged, we had previously been very close. She was actually happy when we first said we were getting married (of course she wanted to be a bridesmaid), then within no time at all she changed. Her mum was also with someone else so she knew her parents weren’t getting back together, but mum has always displayed jealousy and too much interest in mine & DH relationship.
Funnily enough her mum & partner also split up shortly after we announced our engagement. I assume it made her realise that if she stayed with him she wouldn’t have what we have and she was jealous - which also seems to be the case with your DSD mum.

The comments about not being married in the eyes of the church, and the fact that mum is supporting/encouraging her behaviour, it’s clear where the fuel is coming from.
Her mum is being very cruel to mess with her feelings like this rather than just allowing her to embrace a new phase of family life.

A word of warning, my DSD did not behave how we expected on our wedding day, some of her behaviour was very inappropriate. And it continued after the wedding too, also some quite nasty behaviour towards me.
Thankfully a year on she has started to settle down and we are close again. It really hit mine and DH relationship hard though, because DH felt so in the middle (of her behaviour and my expectation that he would deal with it) and many times I was close to walking away.

If you decide to go ahead I think you have to carry on and not hide your wedding/happiness (certainly don’t be taking your ring off!). I would be wary of telling her too much that could be relayed at home and twisted by mum into something negative which will fuel DSD more. I would also wait a year or two to get married so there’s time for things to settle down - depending on the type of wedding you want, it is quite a practical timeframe to get things planned properly.

Good luck & congratulations on your engagement

As I understand it, her Mum has now split with the man who has been her step dad since she was a baby. Presumably that's been building up and she's known it was coming. So she's now going through what essentially feels like a parental divorce. I expect she's suffering and thinking the solution would be for her biological parents to get back together. In her teen brain this idea has expanded and got out of control.
Her Mum really needs to sit her down and explain that she doesn't want to get back with her Dad, and nothing would make it happen. Unless that isn't the truth?

I'd perhaps be a little less compassionate, at least outwardly.

Her attempt to dictate to others is unacceptable. At 15 in no way is she unaware of this.

The reason WHY she is doing this is perhaps irrelevant, inexplicable.

She should be given the opportunity once more to explain why.

She needs then to be told that she is welcome of course to decide to cut off her Dad. But that should she change her mind in the future the door will also be open.

If the mother persists in supporting her near adult daughter in emotional black mail, she should be told her opinions aren't welcome.

In most cases of bullying, the individual backs down when they realise their threats don't work. In which case be gracious.

There could well be other issues going on but growing up is about realising you can't take those out on others unrelentingly.

She is not a little girl but you're all treating her as one.

@Thelifeofawife oh god what behaviours did you DSC show ? I'm glad you got through to the other side. Did mum calm down in the end ?

@Sarahcoggles I can't speak for mum, I don't know her feelings on my partner. I assumed maybe incorrectly if you cheat on someone and leave that person you don't want them anymore... but she's always commenting I'm not DP type and it's not always felt like a compliment.

Honestly, I’d walk away.

I wouldn’t live in a house where my partner’s child was allowed to kick doors off their hinges.

I think you should ditch the lot of them.

They’re lives sound like something off Hollyoaks. Why would you want to be a part of that chaos?

She’s a massive brat. Honestly I’d probably be making wedding mood boards to stick on the fridge and leaving wedding magazines all over the house, but that’s probably why I wouldn’t make a very good step parent.

Kinda why I posted for advice.

I really feel for you. Seven years is plenty of time to get engaged and as you’ve booked a date then stick to it.

If DF is happy to go ahead and call her bluff - if not happy then prepared - then try and ignore the drama and just carry on. You have nothing to be ashamed of, this is cause for celebration, enjoy it.

As if she’ll actually cut contact. Sounds like her mother might be back out there dating and she won’t want to have DSD full time. She’ll also realise that these tantrums might be turned on her at some point…

Fwiw I think PP scenario may be a possibility. DSD's mother's relationship has failed and she has is remembering her ex through a golden hazy lens.

She wants to be back as part of that fun foursome (Her best friend and DP's friend) hence her support of her daughter's stance.
DSD has picked up on her mother's unhappiness and wants to make things better for her.

Of curse this could be entirely wrong. 🤔

OP, how does your DP feel about ex-wife? Any chance he is holding a candle for her? I hope this doesn't upset you. I am concerned the Mum, having broken up with her partner, has set her sights on her ex, and is shamelessly using your step daughter to break up your relationship. It doesn't make sense otherwise, it's such a radical change in behaviour for DSD when you have previously got on and given she is aware you can't have children.

I am so sorry you are going through this, at what should be such a happy time.

I would go ahead. The alternatives are worse. She has maximum power now while she still thinks she can stop it. After the wedding there will be nothing to threaten. She's old enough to know if her dad makes it clear that he's always there for her. What if she's still this way at 18? It would be getting ridiculous and you would have wasted years in this tense standoff. If you're sure you want him, better to face the music and get it over with rather than letting a child have inappropriate control. It's not good for her and may leave her with a huge feeling of responsibility and guilt if and when she comes to her senses. She's a teenager and they can be impossible but they do grow up. She can't be allowed to ruin lives.

You've paid your dues and she has no reasonable basis for thinking she'll be left behind. Any toxic dynamic with her mum (if there is one) will backfire and fizzle out eventually. Maybe your partner could write dsd a letter expressing his undying love for her. The fallout from marrying doesn't sound like it could be worse than what you're going through anyway.

If you have any doubts, this would be the moment to go after a different life and leave them to it. She might well refuse to see her dad for a while. If that's going to cause problems between you, I think you'll have to let him go.

Either way I would accept a wedding that is either very quiet with hardly any guests or publicly without her and you brazen it out. It's about the two of you at the end of the day.

I also think her mum will suddenly stop supporting no contact if the thing is done and her personal freedom is drastically reduced. She doesn't sound like someone you want hanging over you with an emotional meat cleaver.

I'd go the other way to everyone else and get married asap. Don't prolong options get it done then she can get over it and that will be that. She can come or not, her choice. Enjoy your engagement don't let ateenager ruin your lives

@Bookworm333 I mean I suppose he could but it's doubtful - it's worth considering and don't worry skin like a rhinos arse here . I don't want to sound unkind but it sounded even before the cheating the relationship wasn't very happy (I'm not excusing mum cheating but it makes sense) I don't think that he would go there again just because she's changed a lot since they were together. They aren't friendly I used to be the bridge (aka both would actively not spend time in each other company unless forced or I was there). Both with gritted teeth. Frankly they seem to annoy each other by breathing but that's by the by.

He doesn't speak badly of mum - just complete disinterest ? but I have to say I do trust him and I don't think him not speaking badly of her is a bad thing. I could be wrong

I mean I'm here so I must be doing something wrong. Mum I'm not sure I trust just because of situations which I have seen. And obviously I'm biased given DP history with mum .

She was behaving like a toddler, being disruptive and silly in various ways (she very much knows how to behave as she was at another family wedding not long before ours).
After we got married it was little comments towards me, and causing drama and disruption in our home (I don’t want to give too much away but honestly not behaviour you would expect from a child that age, and some just very disrespectful).
Shes settled for now but mum’s circumstances have changed again so it’s likely DSD behaviour will decline again.

Honestly, I can't see this getting better. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

Think about how this is likely to play out longer term. She's is going to be your DHs only child in this situation going forward (I really don't mean to hurt you by saying that). She therefore has a lot of emotional ammo to throw at you both going forward: graduations, wedding, potentially grand children. All opportunities for her and her mum to stick the knife into your relationship. Even if your partner puts you first, he'll be under immense pressure and it could start to impact your relationship. The fact his friend is also sowing seeds of doubt is worrying, he could continue to do this.

A marriage that is starting off in this combative mode is going to be a hellish slog. You can put your foot down, tough it out but honestly you could have years and years of this ahead.

I'd really think long and hard about what you want your future to look like, because to be honest this might be as good as it gets.

It’s possible that jealousy on the mum’s part is the underlying factor- not necessarily that she wants DH back. Disgraceful that she is encouraging DSD in her behaviour.

Has DH spoken to DSD and told her there is no chance that her parents will get back together? Or tried to find out what the real issue is?

As she is with you 50% of the time, there must be times when you are on your own with her. What is she like with you then?

Has someone pointed it out to her directly that her mother ended the relationship and now has another partner, so her father couldn’t just get back together with her, even if he wanted to? (Obviously she knows this, but could do with it being said to her to ask her why the double standards between her mother and father).