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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wedding drama and upset

114 replies

namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 16:15

So I'm going to reference my partners daughter as DSD(14) but I know by mumsnet standards I'm not her step parent until we are married but I have been with her dad for 7 years in her life officially 4 years ish . Parents divorced when she was one and mum has partner and both co parent well. I like my DSD and in terms of relationship I'm like a aunty and we have a close bond.. or so I thought ☹️

Disclaimer I like mum and I don't believe any of this drama is coming from her (but I could be wrong)

So my DP proposed and I said yes (yay). And DSD has now apparently said to her mum that actually she hates me and wants her parents back together and has repeatedly said to her dad that if he marries me she's cutting contact.

I thought this would just be a blip and we would move past it once all emotions settled down. But it hasn't and it's been months and what's worse it's escalated. Mum has now passed on the message saying she will support her cutting off her dad as she has said that him marrying me would be effectively him choosing me over his daughter and no good parent would do that.

I'm heartbroken. This is a girl who I baked with, made Christmas cards for both the parents, been her confidant ect and friend.

Her dads been reassuring her, they spend lots of one on one time together as I travel for work and she's part of the family as far as I'm concerned. So this has literally come from out the blue.

Dad asked her if she expects him to be single for the rest of his life and she said yes and if he's lonely he can always get back with mum.

She's been to counselling and all she said is that her parents are meant to be together and that I'm essentially the other women in the eyes of the church as there's no such thing as divorce. What's weird is she isn't religious although mum is. All mums said on the matter is that she's surprised he's remarrying but happy for him and she doesn't know where the religious stuff is coming from but isn't from her.

Just before anyone says it mum ended the marriage because she met her now partner (and is still with him to be fair) and it was all amicable and I certainly wasn't the other women.

Do I run ? Will this ever get better ? I obviously don't want to cause my DSD to cut off her dad or to be so unhappy but it's put a real cloud on things. DSD won't even talk to me anymore until dad agrees not to marry me and for me to take off the engagement ring he gave me which makes the atmosphere at home really awful (we have her 50/50)

I can see my partner is starting to regret even proposing due to all the stress and I'm also getting to that point tbh.

She's nearly 15 and is usually of a good natured disposition but has her moments (like every other child) and is very very smart. She just will not move or engage further with anyone (therapist included). I don't see how this can work as she's said she will not attend the wedding and I know I want her there and so does my partner and I don't see how we can get married without her. She's family.

Please help. This has gotten me so low.

OP posts:
OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 20:43

Let's say for a second that you weren't getting married, but you were going to spend the rest of your lives happily together...what's her stance on that?

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 31/12/2022 21:02

Another one who'd get married next week if I was sure that's what I wanted. Then it's done and your SD can get over it.

MeridianB · 31/12/2022 21:10

Lots going on here. You really deserve better. The best friend sounds like a total pillock, OP. Good that you’ve got his number.

Snowflake2023 · 31/12/2022 21:11

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 31/12/2022 21:02

Another one who'd get married next week if I was sure that's what I wanted. Then it's done and your SD can get over it.

What if she doesn't get over it though? one of two scenarios might occur, there could be a big falling out which will cause dad and daughter to lose contact, which could create underlying resentment in the marriage and be 'the elephant in the room' going forward. Or, there's ongoing tension and conflict, which is like death by a thousand papercuts for the OP.

Actually getting married isn't the issue, that can be done really easily. It's the long term relationship impact to all parties involved.

musingsinmidlife · 31/12/2022 21:12

Teens are teens.

I would just wait to get married until she is out of the house in a few years. You are basically living like a married couple already and so far marriage hasn't been important to you, so I would just put it on ice.

Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 21:13

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2022 20:40

It’s possible that jealousy on the mum’s part is the underlying factor- not necessarily that she wants DH back. Disgraceful that she is encouraging DSD in her behaviour.

Has DH spoken to DSD and told her there is no chance that her parents will get back together? Or tried to find out what the real issue is?

As she is with you 50% of the time, there must be times when you are on your own with her. What is she like with you then?

Before this honestly she was pretty much a model kid. Obvious sass, general teen feelings and behaviour but fine. Nothing I would raise much eyebrows at. But obviously I'm not a parent so I have no comparison to draw from.

Now I don't know whether even if marriage was taken off the table, whether it would go back to normal.

OP posts:
B1993 · 31/12/2022 21:13

I haven't read all the posts so maybe this has been mentioned, but it seems like the engagement was the turning point in your relationship with DSD. I have to wonder if an engagement/marriage seems 'final' to her and prior to this she though there was hope of her parents reuniting.

On the other hand, another thought that came to mind was that I wonder if she sees marriage as route to failed relationships. Maybe friends at school are going through parents divorcing and she's experienced this first hand with her own parents. Could it be that, given you had a close bond before this, that she's worried a marriage with ultimately end in you leaving so she's sabotaging now to limit hurt feelings down the line? Control things now so the relationship ending is on her terms?

I don't know what to say or what if personally do in this situation but maybe offer lots of reassurance that things aren't going to change once you're married.

Good luck, OP, I hope it all works out!!

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2022 21:15

It’s such a pity mum isn’t on side

my dd tried to split up her dad & fiancé, was around the same age. I told her to stop acting like a spoilt brat. No way should she interfere in other peoples relationships and make ultimatums. How would she like it if we blackmailed a boy friend from seeing her and dictated who her friends were.

Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 21:16

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 20:43

Let's say for a second that you weren't getting married, but you were going to spend the rest of your lives happily together...what's her stance on that?

Before all this. Probably nothing would have changed. Everyone poddle around as per

Now mums split up with her partner I'm not sure.

Which is sad.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 31/12/2022 21:19

The mum and now ex DP were together a long time. I wonder if she was very keen to marry him and he wouldn’t so when you and DF got engaged she was jealous, insecure and it precipitated this whole sorry mess.

Not really relevant but this stuff can be pretty powerful and if it is the case the mum’s wrath could last a while.

Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 21:20

@musingsinmidlife you will have to forgive my nativity but just to be clear.

Marriage is important to me and us but the precise reason it hasn't happened is because I was really clear I wanted DSD to be in a good place and everyone settled before marriage was bandied around as she's had enough heartbreak in this area.

Jokes on me it would appear because even with all that consideration - this has happened.

@B1993 it could be that. We were so very close that this has been a bit of a u turn and then some.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 31/12/2022 21:21

Now mums split up with her partner I'm not sure.
my dd told me her ultimate dream was mum and dad being back together,

your dad mum split has bearing on this as it’s her dream for mum and dad to be together and your engagement is getting in the way

yes it’s immature but someone needs to put her straight

would a grandparent be listened to?

Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 21:23

Also so many comments I can't keep up. But to answer few comments.

DSD loves the ground her mum walks. I suspect she overlooks the situation. She's also very much used as emotional walking cane for mum. Hard to watch, but not my place to judge.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangegameagain · 31/12/2022 21:24

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2022 21:21

Now mums split up with her partner I'm not sure.
my dd told me her ultimate dream was mum and dad being back together,

your dad mum split has bearing on this as it’s her dream for mum and dad to be together and your engagement is getting in the way

yes it’s immature but someone needs to put her straight

would a grandparent be listened to?

Sadly mums parents are NC with mum. Don't know why, can't speculate.

DP parents have passed 😔

OP posts:
magicthree · 31/12/2022 21:24

So how many people here would be prepared to lose their children over something like this.

Oh don't be so dramatic!!! How did we get to this stage where children are allowed to control their parent lives, and that people can have no life outside of their children? This little madam will soon be in contact again when she wants something!

Newjobformoremoney · 31/12/2022 21:26

OP I’m a stepmum and my advice is to run.

magicthree · 31/12/2022 21:28

Actually OP, I didn't like to say this, but in your shoes I would run. There isn't a man in the world I could love enough to put up with this nonsense.

Inkpotlover · 31/12/2022 21:29

Your DSD is old enough to know she's being a manipulative little madam so I'd be inclined to call her bluff. Press ahead with your wedding plans and let her tantrum herself inside out. At some point she WILL run out of steam and realise how ridiculous she's being. But right now she's clearly emboldened by the fact everyone's on eggshells around her and she can call the shots. So stop pandering to her moods and enjoy your engagement.

XanaduKira · 31/12/2022 21:29

Sorry Op, but I'd say run too.

Snowflake2023 · 31/12/2022 21:32

Newjobformoremoney · 31/12/2022 21:26

OP I’m a stepmum and my advice is to run.

Mine too. I've been a step mum for nearly 20 years and there's no way I'd be getting married in this situation.

The posters saying she'll get over it or she's just a spoilt madam who'll come around are being very short sighted. It's the OP who will bear the brunt of the anger and accusations. Why would you want to start a married life that way, its a huge gamble.

Twilight7777 · 31/12/2022 21:33

I personally wouldn’t delay engagement. Start planning your wedding, don’t pander to a teenager

SalmonEile · 31/12/2022 21:36

apologies if I missed it , but what’s the timeline here-
how long have you been engaged for?
did you just find out today that Mum and her partner broke up? Did they just break up this weekend?
this man has been in DSDs life for 13 years am I right?
I reckon your DSD might be affected by all of this or do you think she’s kicked off about their relationship too and he’s run for the hills?
or maybe they were having problems for a while, maybe he was being unkind to her/fighting with her parent and maybe she’s afraid you’ll do that too?
I think if she was otherwise fine until recently maybe it’s been caused by this and she has no idea how to navigate it

StaunchMomma · 31/12/2022 21:36

Wow. That is one immature 15 year old!

The kicker here is that it was her MOTHER who split the marriage, and did so because she wanted to be with someone else! Yet her Dad can never marry again?!! Is she aware that it was her Mum who left the marriage?

It's absolutely batshit, honestly.

I think you need to just ignore her and crack on. There's no need to get married quickly and fairly soon she'll be on college, working or uni and will surely realise she's being ridiculous.

I do hope your DP realises that if he gives in to her manipulations and demands then he is not only teaching her a dreadful lesson but also encouraging her unreasonable behaviour and setting himself up for a life of misery!

SalmonEile · 31/12/2022 21:38

She could be (irrationally) angry out of loyalty to her mother that their relationship has broken down and her dad is happy and moving on

Cavend · 31/12/2022 21:43

@namechangegameagain

Would you and your partner consider marrying in secret?