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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Was I wrong to be annoyed by this?

116 replies

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:36

Working from home yesterday in a very busy and full on job so not just lazing about like I know some people seem to view WFH as! DH was out at work so only me in the house as my parents were looking after our toddler.

Randomly DSS 11 and DSS9 turn up out of the blue and it appears DH had sent me a text 20 mins before to say his ex needed to go out so she was dropping DSC off.

It was about 1:30pm and they'd had nothing to eat so were then mithering me for lunch, I was trying to wrap up a meeting and had more to do afterwards. I was livid quite frankly. At least feed your children first?!

Unfortunately, and this isn't their fault it's how their parents have raised them, DSC are babied. They can't make a simple meal, can't seem to entertain themselves without falling out and so on.

I basically just told them they'd need to see what they could find in the kitchen and then go upstairs whilst I worked (working downstairs in living room) which they then sulked about because all they could make was a simple sandwich. Cue lots of arguing all afternoon etc. 9 year old coming down and crying at one point and wouldn't leave the room I was in trying to make calls.

When DH got home I was absolutely livid. I was WORKING! Not just sat at home. For him to tell his ex she can drop them off with me without ensuring I first knew and secondly agreed and also at his ex for dropping them off after lunch and not feeding them first.

He thinks I'm being dramatic and they can come whenever they want.

OP posts:

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 15:57

Indeed, this OP had arranged childcare for her child so that she could work (makes no difference that she was working from home).

And still we get posters clutching their pearls and crying ‘but they’re your stepchildren’ at the idea that a woman didn’t switch straight to nanny mode because it suited her husband and his ex. 🙄

BeyondTheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 30/12/2022 16:05

DH was being unreasonable for dumping them on you while you were working

If his ex knew you were working at home and he was "at" work, then she is also unreasonable for not even speaking to you.

My DCs step mum works from home. First of all, my DC (very similarly aged) are capable of making themselves a sandwich and leaving her to work, but anyway ... If I had an emergency and knew ex was in work, I would speak to her and ask if the DC could go there. Not in a million years would I drop them and run. How bloody rude!

They are both unreasonable for not teaching (assuming NT, but even allowing for some variations of ND!) their children not to make a fucking sandwich.

Solonge · 30/12/2022 22:43

I clarified elsewhere.....that the actions of the father were wrong....the mothers not much better...but the OP is a stepmum.... these kids by default, are also her responsibility...thats why they are called stepchildren. Im not suggesting she should have looked after them....I am making a point that these children do have two parents and at least one step parent. I have a divorced son with a partner...who shows far more interest and emotional concern for the children, as you would hope for with a step parent.

Solonge · 30/12/2022 22:50

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 30/12/2022 14:36

What basis do you have to say the kids are suffering due to the OP? We have no idea how things are when things are running to plan and the OP is not exasperated.

It’s quite hard to induct DSCs into food prep if their Dad is all about doing everything for them. And shouldn’t be a point of stress between OP and her DH.

The OP is talking about a working day for which she had arranged childcare for her own child. The 2 adults responsible for deciding that the OP could be presumed upon both know the children cannot make lunch for themselves.

The but that isn’t working is not in the hands of the OP!

Show quote history

Its based on the language used by the OP relating to the children along with the description of what she did with them and how they behaved. The kids certainly didnt benefit from being dropped off, the OP stated they ended up fighting and we left to their own devices. Children are aware when they are not wanted.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 30/12/2022 23:05

but the OP is a stepmum.... these kids by default, are also her responsibility...thats why they are called stepchildren.

Nope. A stepparent is simply someone who is married to someone who already has children. There is no automatic responsibility conferred.

They are the responsibility of their parents, unless all parties involved agree otherwise.

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2022 23:09

The kids certainly didnt benefit from being dropped off, the OP stated they ended up fighting and we left to their own devices. Children are aware when they are not wanted.

Well what do you expect when she is WORKING?? She can’t just drop work to give the stepchildren some attention.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 30/12/2022 23:12

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2022 23:09

The kids certainly didnt benefit from being dropped off, the OP stated they ended up fighting and we left to their own devices. Children are aware when they are not wanted.

Well what do you expect when she is WORKING?? She can’t just drop work to give the stepchildren some attention.

Exactly. Of course they weren’t wanted in this situation; which would be exactly the same if they were dropped off at OP’s actual place of work office in the middle of the day.

TheYummyPatler · 31/12/2022 00:02

The clearly weren’t wanted by either of their parents were they?

That’s why they got dumped on the OP!

TheYummyPatler · 31/12/2022 00:05

since we seem to be playing some kind of game of emotional manipulation, let’s talk about how the children might feel about neither of their parents wanting to look
after them?

Or their mum feeding them lunch, for ghat matter.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/12/2022 00:37

He's right in that they can come when they want as its their home too but he's out of order expecting you to provide childcare without consulting you. I'd be furious.

TheYummyPatler · 31/12/2022 07:42

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/12/2022 00:37

He's right in that they can come when they want as its their home too but he's out of order expecting you to provide childcare without consulting you. I'd be furious.

This ‘it’s their home; they can come and go as they like’ thing is a pernicious myth.

They are children. They cannot come and go as they like because they require an adult to supervise them.

This is true of children in nuclear families as much as in stepfamilies. It just doesn’t come up in the same way because it’s obvious that the children would be somewhere else if no parent is in.

yet when discussing stepfamilies people think this is some kind of gotcha to tell stepmothers they are awful. Even though the crucial thing is not that ‘it’s their home’, it’s whether there’s someone there looking after them.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 31/12/2022 09:38

TheYummyPatler · 31/12/2022 07:42

This ‘it’s their home; they can come and go as they like’ thing is a pernicious myth.

They are children. They cannot come and go as they like because they require an adult to supervise them.

This is true of children in nuclear families as much as in stepfamilies. It just doesn’t come up in the same way because it’s obvious that the children would be somewhere else if no parent is in.

Show quote history

💯

imalreadygone · 31/12/2022 09:40

TheYummyPatler · 31/12/2022 07:42

This ‘it’s their home; they can come and go as they like’ thing is a pernicious myth.

They are children. They cannot come and go as they like because they require an adult to supervise them.

This is true of children in nuclear families as much as in stepfamilies. It just doesn’t come up in the same way because it’s obvious that the children would be somewhere else if no parent is in.

Show quote history

I agree. I wouldn't let my own child in our home without an adult that would be ridiculous

Igotthegoose · 09/01/2023 14:21

Wow that’s unbelievably disrespectful! I feel for you OP, I work from home and I can barely keep an eye on my own when I have no choice but to have them home never mind being left responsible for someone else’s children.

how did a confrontation with your DP go down? Tell him how would he like it if you send them in a taxi to his workplace 🤣

Nat6999 · 09/01/2023 14:39

Keep the door locked, blinds closed & wear noise cancelling headphones so you can't hear them knocking so next time their mum can't see them going in & can't drive off.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/01/2023 16:39

@Speak4us - I'm not a step parent but can I ask you, when you say that their mother sped off in her car, did she wait until she saw them go into your house or did she just leave them to your doorstep?
I'm missing which of these she did (neither are satisfactory in this situation in my opinion) but at least one is less awful than the other (if she hung around to make sure they actually got in).

I would invest in a Ring (or similar) doorbell so that you can answer the door bell ringing but don't have to open the door. You would be able to advise the caller (in this case your 2 DSS) that you're not there (a white lie) and you can't let them in so they will have to go back to their mum in her car.

Your DH should have made sure that you got the message, by actually phoning and speaking with you, or better yet, he should have made it his business to work from home so that he could be there for his sons.

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