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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I wrong to be annoyed by this?

116 replies

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:36

Working from home yesterday in a very busy and full on job so not just lazing about like I know some people seem to view WFH as! DH was out at work so only me in the house as my parents were looking after our toddler.

Randomly DSS 11 and DSS9 turn up out of the blue and it appears DH had sent me a text 20 mins before to say his ex needed to go out so she was dropping DSC off.

It was about 1:30pm and they'd had nothing to eat so were then mithering me for lunch, I was trying to wrap up a meeting and had more to do afterwards. I was livid quite frankly. At least feed your children first?!

Unfortunately, and this isn't their fault it's how their parents have raised them, DSC are babied. They can't make a simple meal, can't seem to entertain themselves without falling out and so on.

I basically just told them they'd need to see what they could find in the kitchen and then go upstairs whilst I worked (working downstairs in living room) which they then sulked about because all they could make was a simple sandwich. Cue lots of arguing all afternoon etc. 9 year old coming down and crying at one point and wouldn't leave the room I was in trying to make calls.

When DH got home I was absolutely livid. I was WORKING! Not just sat at home. For him to tell his ex she can drop them off with me without ensuring I first knew and secondly agreed and also at his ex for dropping them off after lunch and not feeding them first.

He thinks I'm being dramatic and they can come whenever they want.

OP posts:
Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 11:23

Your DP and his ex are both in the wrong.

I can't imagine any circumstances in which I would randomly drop our child at ex's house when he wasn't there. This isn't about being welcome in Dad's house, it's about reasonable behavior. Mum should arrange childcare if she needs to go out. In an emergency it's different, hopefully, anyone would help out - but it doesn't sound like this was any where near an emergency.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 11:28

Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 11:23

Your DP and his ex are both in the wrong.

I can't imagine any circumstances in which I would randomly drop our child at ex's house when he wasn't there. This isn't about being welcome in Dad's house, it's about reasonable behavior. Mum should arrange childcare if she needs to go out. In an emergency it's different, hopefully, anyone would help out - but it doesn't sound like this was any where near an emergency.

The ex asked OP husband, the kids dad and he said ok. I don't see what she's done wrong.

Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 11:31

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious Personally, I don't think it's reasonable to expect last minute childcare to be provided by a step parent but that is just me. It's inconsiderate & disrespectful. The ex will likely have know that the Dad wasn't going to check with OP.. I also don't like the ''dump and run'' and the door, but again that is just me.

123woop · 30/12/2022 11:34

Your husband is massively in the wrong here, but it's deeply concerning that a "child" of 11 is unable to make themselves a simple lunch! This would drive me up the wall!

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 11:36

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 11:28

The ex asked OP husband, the kids dad and he said ok. I don't see what she's done wrong.

Show quote history

she’s likely to have worked on the assumption that her ex has actually talked to his wife and she’s agreed to be the childcare. The internal workings of their relationship are not her business.

The problem is entirely that he’s just decided that the OP is at home so she can just look after his children. And that sending a text announcing he’s decided this is a acceptable.

It puts her in a crap situation where she either has to be a doormat or turn the ex and kids away at the door (and be scapegoated for his behaviour by all involved). It’s an absolute dick move.

He has let everyone down. And still he’s acting like he’s just a nice guy doing the right thing. Which is pretty standard behaviour for a man in this situation. Treat your wife as the nanny/housekeeper and act like she’s awful if she isn’t grateful
for this.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 11:36

Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 11:31

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious Personally, I don't think it's reasonable to expect last minute childcare to be provided by a step parent but that is just me. It's inconsiderate & disrespectful. The ex will likely have know that the Dad wasn't going to check with OP.. I also don't like the ''dump and run'' and the door, but again that is just me.

But the OP doesn't want to even talk to the ex via phone, so I'm guessing she wouldn't want her being at her door either. Makes sense the ex drove off. If the OP doesn't want to be emergency childcare, this needs to be told to her husband. The ex didn't do anything wrong.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/12/2022 11:38

@TheYummyPatler I do agree. This is the husbands fault, not the ex's. That is who the OP anger should be directed at.

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 11:51

Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 11:31

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious Personally, I don't think it's reasonable to expect last minute childcare to be provided by a step parent but that is just me. It's inconsiderate & disrespectful. The ex will likely have know that the Dad wasn't going to check with OP.. I also don't like the ''dump and run'' and the door, but again that is just me.

It’s not the ex’s job to anticipate and compensate for the OP’s husband’s male entitlement though.

Even if she is well aware of it, she’s ended that relationship. She’s not responsible for the ways he takes his wife for granted.

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2022 11:53

If their dad wasn’t in, then their mum should treat that as the house being empty and he’s not there.
She can’t just drop them off with you because “she needs to go out”. You’re not her babysitter. Where’s her own support network e.g. parents/friends/sibling etc…?

ReindeerBelieve · 30/12/2022 12:03

I would be livid - it's your DP at fault

I feel sorry for the 2 children - neither parent bothered to look after them

I wonder where the ex was off to - if it was a genuine emergency fine but perhaps she was off shopping, haircut etc

I think it strange you don't have her number - do you mean this or is it more a case of it's not in your phone but written down somewhere if you absolutely had to call her ?

yes I can understand you not wanting a relationship with the ex etc but what happens if you needed to contact her urgently in an emergency and your DP wasn't around how would you make contact ?

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 12:05

It may well be that her ex has said that @Speak4us will look after them.

The ex cannot really be expected to second guess the arrangements she’s made with the children’s father. all she can do is drop them off as he’s agreed.

It really isn’t her that’s taking the piss there.

Now… she would start to be in the wrong if, on being told that @Speak4us is working and can’t have the kids, she kicked up a fuss and tried to force the childcare situation. At that point, both women should be annoyed at the children’s father. The ex is the children’s mother, so she would be the one left with the childcare responsibilities because their father has let everyone down.

candycane10 · 30/12/2022 12:06

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2022 11:53

If their dad wasn’t in, then their mum should treat that as the house being empty and he’s not there.
She can’t just drop them off with you because “she needs to go out”. You’re not her babysitter. Where’s her own support network e.g. parents/friends/sibling etc…?

OPs DH has likely told her it's fine. I posted under a different topic ages ago saying I wasn't comfortable with my Dd being looked after by her dads gf when he wasn't there. I was absolutely flamed for this and told it was none of my business if he was looking after the dc and left them in her care

The absolute double standards on MN are so unreal it's actually laughable

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 12:12

yes I can understand you not wanting a relationship with the ex etc but what happens if you needed to contact her urgently in an emergency and your DP wasn't around how would you make contact ?

I would never need to contact my husband’s ex. Unless he died unexpectedly while he has their children. And then I’d use his phone.

I wouldn’t want her to have any means of contacting me. She’s behaved utterly dreadfully towards me at various points and I’m not giving her the means to contact me directly. I won’t even answer the door to her (because it gives her the opportunity to be abusive).

His ex is his problem.

Even if she weren’t horrible and difficult, I wouldn’t need to contact her. I’m not the nanny.

funinthesun19 · 30/12/2022 12:24

OPs DH has likely told her it's fine. I posted under a different topic ages ago saying I wasn't comfortable with my Dd being looked after by her dads gf when he wasn't there. I was absolutely flamed for this and told it was none of my business if he was looking after the dc and left them in her care

No, I get it. It is your business if you’re not comfortable with it and you preferred them to be with their dad on his contact days. Even in OP’s case too, I can understand why you would be annoyed if the dad wasn’t in when you thought he would be. But he’s working so surely the mum knows that? I’m guessing in these circumstances if you wouldn’t be comfortable with the girlfriend looking after your DC then you wouldn’t drop them off with her? The mum is clearly comfortable.

Pinkyxx · 30/12/2022 12:32

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious As I said, they are both at fault. I don't disagree that it's not the ex's problem whether Op & her DP communicate, however, it's just plain rude / inconsiderate in my mind to dump your children on anyone last minute just because you want to go out. In regard to driving off, it doesn't require a relationship or communication between op and the ex.to hand over children like an adult at the door. Of course none of this would have happened if OPs DP said no when ex asked, knowing his wife was working and his children need at lot of supervision despite their age. They are both at fault, OP's DP more so but I still feel the ex is unreasonable in her request. Ops DP agreeing to it doesn't make her reasonable..

CornishGem1975 · 30/12/2022 13:02

Not read the full thread but I'd be spitting fucking feathers. I work from home too and it's not a jolly - I have meetings and deadlines - I'm not free childcare, neither are you.

CornishGem1975 · 30/12/2022 13:04

I think it strange you don't have her number - do you mean this or is it more a case of it's not in your phone but written down somewhere if you absolutely had to call her ?

I don't have my SC mums number and no way of contacting her. It's not amicable and we have each other blocked on all social media. She blocks me on her phone and the DCs phones.

AutumnCrow · 30/12/2022 13:24

So the children just let themselves in? Do they have a key or was the door open/unlocked? Or did mum see you answer the door and drive off?

I think I would have used the 11 year old's phone or device to contact the mum to say she was taking the piss and to come and deal with the children immediately, while sending the same message to arsehole husband. (And yes I know all 11 year olds have devices but a lot of them do.)

Solonge · 30/12/2022 14:15

These children are your step children…..whilst I can absolutely understand your annoyance at them being dropped off without your consent…and the attitude of your husband which is wrong….why don’t you have a maternal relationship with the children? You take on a man with kids….they are part of the package. Would you not spend time with them when your husband has them, to do some basic cooking/self care with your husband? You are talking about them with no emotional connection as if they are just unwanted pets. If you had kids in a prior relationship….wouldn’t you expect your husband to have a decent relationship with them? I think you need to sit down and talk about your expectations and feelings…because this isn’t working and it’s the kids suffering.

Nimbostratus100 · 30/12/2022 14:28

YANBU at all. Personally I would have told the kids that there had been some sort of mistake and you were working and there was no one to look after them. I would have told them to sit in silence in the hall while waiting one of their parents to come and pick them up, then rang their Dad and told him he comes to get them immediately or sends their mum back

Solonge · 30/12/2022 14:28

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 12:12

yes I can understand you not wanting a relationship with the ex etc but what happens if you needed to contact her urgently in an emergency and your DP wasn't around how would you make contact ?

I would never need to contact my husband’s ex. Unless he died unexpectedly while he has their children. And then I’d use his phone.

I wouldn’t want her to have any means of contacting me. She’s behaved utterly dreadfully towards me at various points and I’m not giving her the means to contact me directly. I won’t even answer the door to her (because it gives her the opportunity to be abusive).

His ex is his problem.

Even if she weren’t horrible and difficult, I wouldn’t need to contact her. I’m not the nanny.

No you aren’t the nanny….you are the step mother…which is a closer connection…

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 30/12/2022 14:36

Solonge · 30/12/2022 14:15

These children are your step children…..whilst I can absolutely understand your annoyance at them being dropped off without your consent…and the attitude of your husband which is wrong….why don’t you have a maternal relationship with the children? You take on a man with kids….they are part of the package. Would you not spend time with them when your husband has them, to do some basic cooking/self care with your husband? You are talking about them with no emotional connection as if they are just unwanted pets. If you had kids in a prior relationship….wouldn’t you expect your husband to have a decent relationship with them? I think you need to sit down and talk about your expectations and feelings…because this isn’t working and it’s the kids suffering.

What basis do you have to say the kids are suffering due to the OP? We have no idea how things are when things are running to plan and the OP is not exasperated.

It’s quite hard to induct DSCs into food prep if their Dad is all about doing everything for them. And shouldn’t be a point of stress between OP and her DH.

The OP is talking about a working day for which she had arranged childcare for her own child. The 2 adults responsible for deciding that the OP could be presumed upon both know the children cannot make lunch for themselves.

The but that isn’t working is not in the hands of the OP!

thestepmumspacepodcast · 30/12/2022 15:19

DH and step kids mum shouldn't have done this but I agree with others that at that age they should definitely be able to look after themselves for a bit.

I hope your DH gave you an apology!!

Tessasanderson · 30/12/2022 15:27

Simple. Tell your DH that whilst you are happy to help out with your DSC in future under no circumstances is that without prior agreement. In future if it happens you will not even answer the door ( I know in this instance you didn't have the opportunity).

I wouldnt even put the blame on his ex. As far as you know he said it was ok and maybe he even agreed they could eat at yours.

Make yourself clear and keep your tinder dry. Trust me, there will be another situation in the near future and you can make him pay.

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 15:50

Solonge · 30/12/2022 14:28

No you aren’t the nanny….you are the step mother…which is a closer connection…

Show quote history

The OP here was actually working. Trying to get on with her job. Unless that job is nanny to the SC, then it is beyond unreasonable for the children’s parents to decide she should be looking after them.

Even if she wasn’t working, she’s not their nanny so the children’s parents don’t get to decide how she uses her time. The children have two parents.