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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Was I wrong to be annoyed by this?

116 replies

Speak4us · 29/12/2022 09:36

Working from home yesterday in a very busy and full on job so not just lazing about like I know some people seem to view WFH as! DH was out at work so only me in the house as my parents were looking after our toddler.

Randomly DSS 11 and DSS9 turn up out of the blue and it appears DH had sent me a text 20 mins before to say his ex needed to go out so she was dropping DSC off.

It was about 1:30pm and they'd had nothing to eat so were then mithering me for lunch, I was trying to wrap up a meeting and had more to do afterwards. I was livid quite frankly. At least feed your children first?!

Unfortunately, and this isn't their fault it's how their parents have raised them, DSC are babied. They can't make a simple meal, can't seem to entertain themselves without falling out and so on.

I basically just told them they'd need to see what they could find in the kitchen and then go upstairs whilst I worked (working downstairs in living room) which they then sulked about because all they could make was a simple sandwich. Cue lots of arguing all afternoon etc. 9 year old coming down and crying at one point and wouldn't leave the room I was in trying to make calls.

When DH got home I was absolutely livid. I was WORKING! Not just sat at home. For him to tell his ex she can drop them off with me without ensuring I first knew and secondly agreed and also at his ex for dropping them off after lunch and not feeding them first.

He thinks I'm being dramatic and they can come whenever they want.

OP posts:
ninjafoodienovice · 29/12/2022 10:54

YANBU woeful behaviour from the mum and your 'd' h is a twat. He is your problem though, gas lighting you saying you're being dramatic. How dare he dismiss your response. Deliver your toddler to his workplace and waltz out maybe to make your point. I'm outraged on your behalf.

user1487194234 · 29/12/2022 10:58

I can see why you are angry,but feel sorry for the kids

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 29/12/2022 11:06

Well of course he thought it was okay. Womens careers are never as important to some men as their ability to be a service human being.

They are normally the same kind of men who brand a reaction as an 'over reaction' aka being dramatic, hysterical etc.

You have a problem here but it's not the mum or the kids.

Brefugee · 29/12/2022 11:09

I can see why you are angry,but feel sorry for the kids

me too. Neither of their parents can be bothered to a) feed them or b) make arrangements for their care "in an emergency"

FestiveDove · 29/12/2022 12:36

I’ve had this done to me with SC many years ago when they were younger. DH couldn’t see the issue as I “was at home anyway”.

YANBU OP - makes me livid.

Thats why I now have a RING doorbell so I can see who’s there before I answer.

Mari9999 · 29/12/2022 13:50

Their father's home should be their anytime home ,and it should be HIS responsibility to provide or make provisions for their anytime care. Providing supervision, food, etc is the responsibility on the parents. The should make no assumptions about your availability or willingness to fill in for them. If your husband is unavailable to supervise his children, he should make provisions for a sitter

Reindeersnooker · 29/12/2022 13:54

Not unreasonable at all. You're not their parent.

ImBlueDab · 29/12/2022 13:55

YANBU OP I'd have been livid. I've worked form home for the past 10 years and it's taken me ages to get people to understand that I'm working, not available for looking after kids/housework/ errands

stayathomer · 29/12/2022 13:57

Your dh and his ex were in the wrong but it does happen sometimes that you need childcare, there’s someone at home and it just needs to be done! You are right to be irritated but not annoyed and I kind of feel for the kids (and don’t really get what a 9 and 11 year old can make aside from a sandwich if there’s no supervision!) Good you told your dh anyhoo

35965a · 29/12/2022 13:58

Even if you’d been off work having a lazy day doing nothing this would still be completely rude of your DH. I’d be saying sure they can come any time - when your DH is in.

ImBlueDab · 29/12/2022 15:37

I disagree with this @stayathomer Your dh and his ex were in the wrong but it does happen sometimes that you need childcare, there’s someone at home and it just needs to be done

dropping the dsc off at home, whilst the op is working, is the same as turning up at someone's place of work and dropping the dsc off. For some reason people think it's acceptable because you're at home. The op's dh should have been at home if the dac were being dropped off and he'd agreed it.

Dragonskin · 29/12/2022 15:54

stayathomer · 29/12/2022 13:57

Your dh and his ex were in the wrong but it does happen sometimes that you need childcare, there’s someone at home and it just needs to be done! You are right to be irritated but not annoyed and I kind of feel for the kids (and don’t really get what a 9 and 11 year old can make aside from a sandwich if there’s no supervision!) Good you told your dh anyhoo

Well then the parents should sort out childcare, not dump the kids on the unsuspecting step mum who WAS AT WORK

dammit88 · 29/12/2022 16:00

I think this depends a little bit on why their mum had to go out ... was it an emergency?

I also think it would be useful to have her number in case you needed to contact her in an emergency. Ultimately the 9 and 11 year old are not at fault and your DH is the wrong though, if emergency childcare was needed he should have come home from work.

BlindMum · 29/12/2022 16:03

Ok if they could make lunch themselves then go and play watch tv in their room then fine not a problem but no

you were working. Your husband is to blame for this he wouldn’t have accepted them to be dropped off at his work why should he exsoect them to be dropped at yours

billy1966 · 29/12/2022 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bananarama21 · 29/12/2022 16:50

Very bad matters my ex would check with his wife and id never randomly dropped off bar on occassion when my ds was rushed to hospital he still checked with her.

candycane10 · 29/12/2022 17:47

ninjafoodienovice · 29/12/2022 10:54

YANBU woeful behaviour from the mum and your 'd' h is a twat. He is your problem though, gas lighting you saying you're being dramatic. How dare he dismiss your response. Deliver your toddler to his workplace and waltz out maybe to make your point. I'm outraged on your behalf.

What has the mum done? Presumably she phoned her DC's dad and asked if he could have dc for a few hours and he agreed.

Unless of course the backstory is the DH said no and the mum dropped them off anyway

candycane10 · 29/12/2022 17:48

Bananarama21 · 29/12/2022 16:50

Very bad matters my ex would check with his wife and id never randomly dropped off bar on occassion when my ds was rushed to hospital he still checked with her.

She probably thinks he did check

glittermoomoo · 29/12/2022 18:09

Ignore them until their dad comes home

RandomPerson42 · 29/12/2022 18:15

You were right to be livid. You need to keep your front door locked so people can’t just walk in.

Also text messages sometimes take hours to come through, sometimes I get a text a day after it has been sent.

healthadvice123 · 29/12/2022 19:06

I agree they should be able to come whenever they want , when he is home to look after them though or you have agreed to look after them.
Expecting you to just have them is not ok and even worse as you were working
Mum should of fed them but sometimes you loose track if time and she prob is like the dad and just expects things

MeridianB · 29/12/2022 19:37

He was outrageously disrespectful. And has added insult to injury by being so glib about your reaction: Don’t be so dramatic’. What a selfish, entitled knob he is.

I sense the ex knew this wouldn’t be appropriate- as you say, who speeds off as soon as you open the door, without a word of acknowledgment.

Does he have form for this, OP?

candycane10 · 30/12/2022 09:55

glittermoomoo · 29/12/2022 18:09

Ignore them until their dad comes home

What have the poor kids done wrong that they deserve to be ignored????

candycane10 · 30/12/2022 10:11

I sense the ex knew this wouldn’t be appropriate- as you say, who speeds off as soon as you open the door, without a word of acknowledgment.

The kids walked in and the mum drove off. In my own situation that's perfectly normal. My Dd (8) walks into her dads house without knocking and once she's safely inside I drive off. It doesn't suggest to me that she knew it would be an issue.

I've got no interest in talking to my children's dads gf at all

TheYummyPatler · 30/12/2022 11:09

At the door, I’d have said ‘I’m working and your dad isn’t here’ and made their mother take them home.

They are welcome any time that their father is there to look after them. He does not get to do a favour for his ex on the premise that you’ll just be his childcare.

It doesn’t actually matter if the mother had an emergency to deal with. The problem is a man who makes promises on the basis that someone else will fulfil them.

The way to prevent it happening is to not fulfil them. Even if that affects the ex and kids. If their father wanted to help his ex out, he needed to be there to look after them.