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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex no longer does family things since GF

168 replies

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Hi all,

I have two DD age 7 and 9 I split from ex 6 years ago. We had an amicable split and still did family days out together, birthdays together, he'd come round and help out round the house. However, since his GF and now finance has come on the scene he has pulled away quite considerably and I get texts all about boundaries. For me this must be coming from his fiance as some kind of insecurity. Now it's got to the point where it is now purely drop off and pick ups. He does his own separate things and my kids don't see their parents ever together doing any activities. I feel it's just so sad. He has the kids every other weekend and two days in the week. I asked him if he could help re decorate DD's bedroom. This is something that benefits his kids and took him days to reply and the answer was that's it's not appropriate and to ask someone else!! What do they think that I'll jump on him whilst he's painting. I asked if we could go halves on a Xmas present and again he said that he will be doing this with his fiance. I feel really frustrated that we can't all be adults. I generally get on with his future wife and wish them luck but I don't like that I am being diminished. I've also been told not to text past 8pm etc or ring but info of kid issues haven't got a time limit. On Facebook all pic of me are gone and the ones where i am with the kids. Thats really hurtful because we were a family once and thats memories. Am I being unreasonable or am I dealing with pettiness here.

OP posts:
Laurdo · 23/12/2022 21:43

Firstly you're clearly not over him if you're trolling through old photos on his Facebook. He clearly has plenty of reasons for putting boundaries in place if your monitoring his social media content. If I was his fiancé I wouldn't exactly be delighted that his ex is constantly lingering, asking for diy favours and calling in the evening when we're unwinding together.

Birthing children does not automatically grant you respect and from your posts I don't see how he is being disrespectful.

I think you're lucky to have an ex who did all these things for you for so long but that time has come to an end and I think it's in your best interests too that you live your own lives. That doesn't mean the kids have to miss out or that you can't still be amicable. You just need to let go.

SweetBlues · 23/12/2022 21:50

it sounds as though your ex was cool with being friends and co-parenting together, until this new fiancé came along …
It’s quite possibly she has insisted on these boundaries which is sad as it sounds like it had worked nicely for all involved until now. But you will have to accept that it is, what it is.
have your kids noticed the change? How are they feeling?

Reugny · 23/12/2022 22:02

SweetBlues · 23/12/2022 21:50

it sounds as though your ex was cool with being friends and co-parenting together, until this new fiancé came along …
It’s quite possibly she has insisted on these boundaries which is sad as it sounds like it had worked nicely for all involved until now. But you will have to accept that it is, what it is.
have your kids noticed the change? How are they feeling?

Why blame the new partner?

My DP has has talked to and warned other people, mostly men, about how your ex can use your child(ren) as an excuse to harass and abuse you claiming it is all because your joint child(ren) needs this.

I know from other men I'm friends with, acquainted with and work with that men often don't reach out until they feel they are at a crisis point. So why your ex could have a new partner it may be the person he's standing next to at the coffee machine who tells him this way of behaving is screwed due to their personal experience as a step-parent, step-child and/or someone with an amicable relationship.

allboysherebutme · 24/12/2022 00:20

Your ex is right, it was appropriate when he wasn't in a relationship, but now he is it's not anymore.
I'm sure if you were in a relationship your partner would not like your ex popping around all the time and coming on days out. X

Talon01 · 24/12/2022 07:17

I think what you're asking for is commendable OP but at the same time your ex has done nothing wrong. It sounds like the kids were young when you split, do you mind explaining why.

I think you're taking a more old fashioned view where the kids come first and everything works around them. But that's not really the modern world.

I was hoping for something similar but it didn't happen. It does sting a bit when certain points are made which don't need to be (like pictures being deleted etc as if the previous part of your life didn't happen).

It almost certainly is the new partner.

harriethoyle · 24/12/2022 12:05

God, @Britpal123 move on. More than a touch of golden uterus syndrome here. Your ex isn't disrespecting you, he's just putting healthy boundaries in place. You'd do well to do the same. and stop fb stalking him!

xmaslurgy · 24/12/2022 12:24

You're split up. You need to come to terms with that. You don't get the romance but you also don't get the demands on his time to help with household chores etc. It's over. If you didn't have kids you wouldn't be expecting DIY.

Dogsogdog · 24/12/2022 12:25

You need to lead separate lives and move on

funinthesun19 · 24/12/2022 13:58

harriethoyle · 24/12/2022 12:05

God, @Britpal123 move on. More than a touch of golden uterus syndrome here. Your ex isn't disrespecting you, he's just putting healthy boundaries in place. You'd do well to do the same. and stop fb stalking him!

“For the children” is a tool used by controlling exes to keep their foot in the door.
It’s not for the children at all - It’s for the ex who can’t move on. But this is a clever way of masking their intentions, which is to use their kids to keep their ex in check. Maybe make a fake family image to make themselves feel better.

It’s another way of saying you’re beholden to me because you have kids with me. I’m the most important person because I’m your child’s father/mother. Nobody else comes before me.
And if they are told no, they use emotive language like “I’m being pushed out of their lives.”

Boundaries are so important and people are entitled to have them. Why should someone spend time with their ex when they don’t want to? The kids don’t NEED to see their parents together. If anything they will be more stable and happy if both of their parents get on with their lives instead of one of them living in fantasy land.

Yes I am projecting. It’s soul destroying when your ex uses the kids to try and restrict your life. And I spent a long time allowing it.

Reugny · 24/12/2022 14:03

@funinthesun19 you aren't projecting what the OP has been doing is very common see my previous post.

Bestcatmum · 24/12/2022 14:11

There should have been boundaries set as soon as you got divorced. He isn't your husband any more end of. You need to stand on your own two feet.

funinthesun19 · 24/12/2022 14:28

Reugny · 24/12/2022 14:03

@funinthesun19 you aren't projecting what the OP has been doing is very common see my previous post.

I’ve just read it now. It does seem all too common.
And new partners always get the blame for getting in the way. OP is threatened by her ex’s new girlfriend because she knows the dynamics that suited her are going to change. It was always a possibility that he would meet someone, and she should have known that. His girlfriend isn’t spoiling anything.

harriethoyle · 24/12/2022 14:50

But regardless of that @funinthesun19 OP will villainise her EX husband's fiancée to their children and, no doubt, weaponise the children. Sigh. So predictable and the opposite of child focused. 🙄

xmaslurgy · 24/12/2022 15:58

“For the children” is a tool used by controlling exes to keep their foot in the door.
It’s not for the children at all - It’s for the ex who can’t move on. But this is a clever way of masking their intentions, which is to use their kids to keep their ex in check. Maybe make a fake family image to make themselves feel better.

There is so much truth in this. Its very manipulative. And only ever said when it's something that works in ex's favour.

KatherineJaneway · 24/12/2022 17:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

But you are acting like it. Occasional outings as a family is fine, but you seem to have kept him in DH mode in all but the sex aspect.

Biscuits1011 · 24/12/2022 17:48

Is this a reverse… because it’s ridiculous. You are being very unreasonable. I’m not insecure or worried about my partners ex wife, but i would not be impressed if he said he was gonna go round hers and help decorate their sons bedroom… and he certainly would not be ok with me doing that either! That’s not being insecure, but it is boundaries yes, and you need to respect his.

Frankola · 24/12/2022 20:41

Of course you are being diminished. You are not his partner. His FIANCEE is!

Millions of families are like this. The parents aren't together and they don't do things together. They have totally separate lives.

You only really focus on things that benefits you as well as your kids. You want him to come and decorate a room, you want him to go halves on a gift. You talk about feeling less significant to him. It sounds like you've had things your way a long time and don't like it now he has moved on and put some boundaries between you

beachcitygirl · 27/12/2022 11:03

Yabvvu

You are not a family anymore. I'm not surprised he & his fiancée are putting boundaries in place as you clearly don't have any.

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 11:10

You still fancy him?

Original poster
Britpal123 · 27/12/2022 20:25

Really...because I would like my kids to spend family time with their dad present at meaningful events I fancy him.

I couldn't possibly want what is best for my kids and ensure their dad is present in their lives.

Like it or not I am the mother of his kids he doesn't have any others so he does have a responsibility to co-parent with me.

OP posts:
astralpiano · 27/12/2022 20:26

Britpal123 · 27/12/2022 20:25

Really...because I would like my kids to spend family time with their dad present at meaningful events I fancy him.

I couldn't possibly want what is best for my kids and ensure their dad is present in their lives.

Like it or not I am the mother of his kids he doesn't have any others so he does have a responsibility to co-parent with me.

He can go to meaningful events. School plays etc. He doesn't need to decorate their room at your house. Thats ridiculous.

AllOfThemWitches · 27/12/2022 20:27

Sorry you're struggling to move on, OP. hopefully you can find happiness soon.

Itsthewhitehat · 27/12/2022 20:33

Britpal123 · 27/12/2022 20:25

Really...because I would like my kids to spend family time with their dad present at meaningful events I fancy him.

I couldn't possibly want what is best for my kids and ensure their dad is present in their lives.

Like it or not I am the mother of his kids he doesn't have any others so he does have a responsibility to co-parent with me.

He can go to meaningful events. His wife will probably attend too. But it doesn’t have to be with you.

Again, co parenting doesn’t only work in the way you want it to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2022 20:33

Really...because I would like my kids to spend family time with their dad present at meaningful events I fancy him.

That’s not an answer. Do you?

he does have a responsibility to co-parent with me.

It sounds like you and he have different ideas of what that looks like. Yours isn’t the only way and you can’t control his approach. The more you try the more he’ll pull away.

He may go on to have more children as well. Even if he doesn’t he is going to have a wife and she’ll be the most important adult in his life. It’s healthier for you to try and accept that.

Reugny · 27/12/2022 20:34

Really...because I would like my kids to spend family time with their dad present at meaningful events I fancy him.

You are NOT his family.

Like it or not I am the mother of his kids he doesn't have any others so he does have a responsibility to co-parent with me.

Looks like he will have one or more in the next couple of years considering he's putting in very clear boundaries.

You need to move on with your own relationship.

If necessary get counseling to do this.