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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex no longer does family things since GF

168 replies

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Hi all,

I have two DD age 7 and 9 I split from ex 6 years ago. We had an amicable split and still did family days out together, birthdays together, he'd come round and help out round the house. However, since his GF and now finance has come on the scene he has pulled away quite considerably and I get texts all about boundaries. For me this must be coming from his fiance as some kind of insecurity. Now it's got to the point where it is now purely drop off and pick ups. He does his own separate things and my kids don't see their parents ever together doing any activities. I feel it's just so sad. He has the kids every other weekend and two days in the week. I asked him if he could help re decorate DD's bedroom. This is something that benefits his kids and took him days to reply and the answer was that's it's not appropriate and to ask someone else!! What do they think that I'll jump on him whilst he's painting. I asked if we could go halves on a Xmas present and again he said that he will be doing this with his fiance. I feel really frustrated that we can't all be adults. I generally get on with his future wife and wish them luck but I don't like that I am being diminished. I've also been told not to text past 8pm etc or ring but info of kid issues haven't got a time limit. On Facebook all pic of me are gone and the ones where i am with the kids. Thats really hurtful because we were a family once and thats memories. Am I being unreasonable or am I dealing with pettiness here.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 22/12/2022 07:34

You should be more grateful for the extra six years than angry about the present. If you find someone else they will want similar.

Dragonskin · 22/12/2022 07:57

I don't like that I am being diminished

This is telling OP, you personally can't expect to be front and centre in the life of someone you aren't with and haven't been with in years.

In the nicest possible way you are just an ex, you shouldn't be expecting to be all over his Facebook, or for him to be happy with constant non child related contact or popping round to do stuff for you.

Your children are a totally different kettle of fish obviously, they are important in his life but they will get used to doing stuff with mummy and different stuff with daddy and GF, it's confusing for them for him to be with someone else yet always doing 'family' stuff with you

MeridianB · 22/12/2022 09:00

Agree with everyone else. It was good to have that coparenting arrangement to help take the sting out of the split. But six years later, he’s marrying someone else and it’s totally appropriate for that to end.

As others have said, if the roles were reversed and you had a partner or fiancé then they would no doubt expect fresh boundaries.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 09:55

I don't like that I am being diminished

What does this even mean? She's his partner, his soon to be wife. She SHOULD have a more important role in his life than you do.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 09:57

Is this a "But I'm the mother of his children"
dramatic wail type?

cammie · 22/12/2022 10:01

She's not his gf as you stated in the title, she is his fiancé, soon to be wife. Possibly even a mother of his future (other) child/children.

I'm sorry OP, it's hard but you need to let him go fully. It's not appropriate to be decorating kids bedroom (in your house), you do your thing he does his own.

It's okay for him to be getting his own present with the fiancé, they are a unit now.

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 10:03

YABU, that wasn't a healthy situation at all and was only ever going to last until he moved on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 10:03

He is being an adult. You’ve said nothing to suggest he’s being remotely unreasonable or unkind.

You’re the one expecting to be his top priority when he’s clearly moved on. Decorate your own house! Arrange your own days out with your kids. Have your own social media how your want it and don’t try and police his or anyone else’s.

What did you think was going to happen? You’d get the benefits of being apart and none of the downsides?

Another woman is his partner and will be his wife. They may have children together. It’s over between you, you’d do well to accept that and seek therapy if you’re struggling. You’re taking the piss and you’ll ruin the coparenting relationship if you carry on being so demanding, jealous and ridiculous.

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 10:05

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

It's completely inappropriate. I divorced, needed rooms decorating for my children, furniture to be put together, I certainly didn't ask my ex-husband. You're not together, learn to stand on your own two feet!

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:06

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 10:05

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

It's completely inappropriate. I divorced, needed rooms decorating for my children, furniture to be put together, I certainly didn't ask my ex-husband. You're not together, learn to stand on your own two feet!

Miraculously I managed to decorate my own child's bedroom, even with my vagina getting in the way!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 10:07

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

Blimey. It’s not the fiancé who’s jealous and insecure. And he’s presumably decorating the DC rooms in his own house, he’s not obliged to be OP’s handy man because she can’t work out how to use a paintbrush by herself…

You can feel how you like about the sort of step mum your ex chooses for your shared children but it’s absolutely nothing to do with you.

The absolute helplessness of some people. You have a house, learn how to maintain it like a bloody grown up.

Your whole post reads like a load of petulant foot stamping. Hilarious.

Ncgirlseriously · 22/12/2022 10:07

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here, because I still do family days out with my ex and that doesn’t mean I’m secretly not over him or I want to get back with him. I’d rather eat a live spider than get back with him. But I can tolerate him for days out for our son, and both of us are from blended families so we have parents who are long split but still spend time together for events.

Is his fiancé welcome on your family days? Because if not that’s probably the issue.

Obviously you’re not going to be doing as many things as if you were together, and there’s no point pretending, but if you want to still do joint things, you will have to make space for this person who will be in your kids lives now.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:08

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

You have no idea, neither does the OP, that this has come from his fiance. HE could want to establish these boundaries himself for the sake of his own future marriage and he is perfectly entitled to do that.

You shouldn't need help decorating a room for goodness sake.

WandaWonder · 22/12/2022 10:09

I do wonder is it her insecurity or yours?

Doing things together is great if it happens, I doubt it would be the same forever

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:10

They might not be together but needing some help with things like decorating is not being unable to stand on your own two feet. If she wanted help with decorating her own bedroom I’d agree it might not be appropriate but this is for his own child. OP wouldn’t need any help decorating a child’s bedroom if she hasn’t had children with this man and if she wasn’t providing a home for his children.

An ex you’ve had children with is not the same as an ex you made no commitments with. Some couples with children have to do things entirely separately if their relationship ends but that’s not the ideal way for it to be as far as the children are concerned. The children are more important than the relationship wants of either of their parents, and especially more important than the demands of insecure new partners.

melcalfe · 22/12/2022 10:11

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/12/2022 10:03

He is being an adult. You’ve said nothing to suggest he’s being remotely unreasonable or unkind.

You’re the one expecting to be his top priority when he’s clearly moved on. Decorate your own house! Arrange your own days out with your kids. Have your own social media how your want it and don’t try and police his or anyone else’s.

What did you think was going to happen? You’d get the benefits of being apart and none of the downsides?

Another woman is his partner and will be his wife. They may have children together. It’s over between you, you’d do well to accept that and seek therapy if you’re struggling. You’re taking the piss and you’ll ruin the coparenting relationship if you carry on being so demanding, jealous and ridiculous.

You just love being the 'straight talker' on here 🙄
You could get your point across but be a bit gentler, these people are hurting. It's bloody Xmas in a few days and your words just read so harsh. I am of the same opinion as you but why do you need to sound so catty?

I bet in real life you'd never say it to their face like that. Ever.

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:13

You have no idea, neither does the OP, that this has come from his fiance.

It says in the OP that everything changed when the girlfriend came along, so it’s a reasonable assumption.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:15

if she wasn’t providing a home for his children

Does he not also provide a home for his children?

If a woman started an AIBU saying my ex has asked me to go round to his and help him decorate our children's room at his house but I don't want to, I'm getting married soon and I feel like he acts too much like we're still a family and my fiance and I find it uncomfortable.

I guarantee the response wouldn't be 'but he's providing a home for your children!!!!'. It would most likely be tell him to decorate his own bloody house!

Newjobformoremoney · 22/12/2022 10:15

I love on mumsnet that it’s always the woman’s fault. It could never be the ex setting boundaries as he moves on. Oh no, there must be a horrid woman manipulating him. Oh even worst, she’ll become a stepmom (the most vilest of women on mumsnet).

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:17

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:13

You have no idea, neither does the OP, that this has come from his fiance.

It says in the OP that everything changed when the girlfriend came along, so it’s a reasonable assumption.

No. It's not a reasonable assumption at all. Because HE could also be saying this because he feels HE needs more established boundaries now he's about to be married.

It does not at all mean there's a horrid woman in his ear forcing him to stop decorating OPs house and whatever else.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:20

Newjobformoremoney · 22/12/2022 10:15

I love on mumsnet that it’s always the woman’s fault. It could never be the ex setting boundaries as he moves on. Oh no, there must be a horrid woman manipulating him. Oh even worst, she’ll become a stepmom (the most vilest of women on mumsnet).

It's hilarious isn't it.

It couldn't just be that this grown ass man has decided for himself that he would like to establish better boundaries with his ex going forward for his sake, his fiances sake and the sake of his future marriage and family.

Oh no it MUST be the evil new woman.

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 10:25

Miraculously I managed to decorate my own child's bedroom, even with my vagina getting in the way!!

😂Well done @Rarararaaa, see it can be done!

Loachworks · 22/12/2022 10:29

DN was like you, her ex did everything she asked. She is quite controlling and would tell him what to do, not even ask. He still turned up to family events even when she got with a new partner. It was so odd to see.
She'd tell you how wonderful they co-parented but in reality he wanted to be a family again so accepted her behaviour and did anything she asked.
The shit hit the fan when he met someone else with a very similar personality to DN, who told him what to do (he clearly has a type) and now they spend all their time slagging each other off. He does the absolute bare minimum seeing and supporting the children, not only that he went from a six figure salary to 'working' in her family's business on a zero hours contract so she gets barely any child support, whilst his new partner's DC attend public schools

I think if firm boundaries had been established when they split, rather than still pretending to be a family, DN would be far better off now.

Itsthewhitehat · 22/12/2022 10:40

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

He does decorate his child’s bedroom. At his own house. Op is responsible for her own house.

Or do you believe that male parents should have to take care of their own home and the home of the ex? On the basis that they are male? Why can’t op decorate a room in her own house?

I would bet if a man posted saying he expected his ex and mother of his child to help decorate a bedroom at his own house, you wouldn’t think the woman was obliged to.

Theres no reason that Op and ex can’t remain on friendly terms. friendly terms doesn’t mean still acting like a family unit.

and who said this is coming from the his fiancé? It could be him OR that as a couple they feel the situation needs to change. Maybe he doesn’t want to decorate a room in Ops home, since it’s her home. Not his.