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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex no longer does family things since GF

168 replies

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Hi all,

I have two DD age 7 and 9 I split from ex 6 years ago. We had an amicable split and still did family days out together, birthdays together, he'd come round and help out round the house. However, since his GF and now finance has come on the scene he has pulled away quite considerably and I get texts all about boundaries. For me this must be coming from his fiance as some kind of insecurity. Now it's got to the point where it is now purely drop off and pick ups. He does his own separate things and my kids don't see their parents ever together doing any activities. I feel it's just so sad. He has the kids every other weekend and two days in the week. I asked him if he could help re decorate DD's bedroom. This is something that benefits his kids and took him days to reply and the answer was that's it's not appropriate and to ask someone else!! What do they think that I'll jump on him whilst he's painting. I asked if we could go halves on a Xmas present and again he said that he will be doing this with his fiance. I feel really frustrated that we can't all be adults. I generally get on with his future wife and wish them luck but I don't like that I am being diminished. I've also been told not to text past 8pm etc or ring but info of kid issues haven't got a time limit. On Facebook all pic of me are gone and the ones where i am with the kids. Thats really hurtful because we were a family once and thats memories. Am I being unreasonable or am I dealing with pettiness here.

OP posts:
Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 17:02

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 16:15

Her partner may be female.

Show quote history

In which case they can't possibly be expected to do decorating either Sad

ChampagneBlossom44 · 22/12/2022 18:06

OP you are close to acting a bit golden uterus with this. You DID share a bond but now you share children.

It’s very easy to assume it’s all ‘her’ doing & maybe you’re right. None of us who don’t know you or your ex can tell. But the boundaries are now there & you need to make the best of this if you don’t want all out hostility.

The closeness you‘ve shared may have benefited the kids in some way & I do commend you for working with your ex to keep things amicable. However I don’t think it has benefited YOU long term if the changes (which are very reasonable, normal & quite expected when he’s engaged to another woman) have started you off feeling hurt & grieving. Maybe you didn’t have to grieve & process the end of your family because it didn’t typically end if you were still acting like a unit, & boundaries weren’t in place from the start.

As someone else has reasonably pointed out, what if his family grows in the future? Is he meant to spend Christmas at your house with your joint children & leave his own at home to celebrate without him?

There’s nothing wrong with feeling upset about the changes, nobody likes change, especially if you lose benefits with it but how you process & respond will be the difference between a good working co-parent relationship or being the dreaded hostile high conflict ex.

AllOfThemWitches · 22/12/2022 18:41

My gosh, you don't own him.

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 19:33

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 17:02

In which case they can't possibly be expected to do decorating either Sad

Show quote history

Terrible. They'll have to hire a penis-haver

1980sfookup · 22/12/2022 19:45

FfaCoffi · 22/12/2022 05:34

OP, I get you.

My friendship group is a bit different from mainstream culture in that lots of us are still friends with our exes. (We formed our friendships in the rave scene of the 90s, perfectly normal to be friends with your exes if they weren't dicks in that subculture).

Decades later, I see several of my friends still are friends with their exes, without it feeling weird, and where there are kids involved, it certainly can benefit the kids that everyone is grown up about it.

Not that our generation were doing anything new, particularly. I remember a couple of friends growing up, whose mum and step mum were friends, and my own parents have a close friend who was my dad's girlfriend for a while, years ago.

Mumsnet has this down as lack of boundaries. I think it's being a grown up about things and that not being ruled by jealousy is a good thing, although I appreciate not everyone would agree.

However, like any friendship, it has to be wanted on both sides for it to work. Your ex's GF is conforming to ideas in our society that are pretty mainstream, about how relationships should work, so I don't think you'll get anywhere with changing their minds.

Unfortunately, you do need to accept that they want a clean break now, and that it's time to let your ex do that, if that's what he wants. Allow yourself to be sad about it, as it IS sad that he is withdrawing in this way. For a lot of people that happens when you split so the mourning of that loss happens then. It's OK to feel sad that it's happening now. But you do need to accept it and let him go, just like when someone wants out of a relationship, it's their choice and there's nothing you can do, except protect your own feelings and your child's through this change.

I just wanted to say - wasn't the rave scene the best thing to happen EVER!

Original poster
Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 21:38

The bedroom decorating was nit because I'm not capable although help makes the Job easier. DD was so excited about their room and I thought their dad would like to share that.

OP posts:
Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 21:41

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 21:38

The bedroom decorating was nit because I'm not capable although help makes the Job easier. DD was so excited about their room and I thought their dad would like to share that.

But its a room in your house. He can decorate his house. You don't need to be sharing all these magical moments or whatever just enjoy it by yourself with your DD you're a strong independent woman setting life lessons for your DD by not needing a man to do these things with you.

Bigbadfish · 22/12/2022 22:02

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 21:38

The bedroom decorating was nit because I'm not capable although help makes the Job easier. DD was so excited about their room and I thought their dad would like to share that.

He can! He can make her a beautiful and exciting room at his house.

You don't mean nearly as much to him as you want to.

ruthbush · 22/12/2022 22:05

FfaCoffi · 22/12/2022 05:34

OP, I get you.

My friendship group is a bit different from mainstream culture in that lots of us are still friends with our exes. (We formed our friendships in the rave scene of the 90s, perfectly normal to be friends with your exes if they weren't dicks in that subculture).

Decades later, I see several of my friends still are friends with their exes, without it feeling weird, and where there are kids involved, it certainly can benefit the kids that everyone is grown up about it.

Not that our generation were doing anything new, particularly. I remember a couple of friends growing up, whose mum and step mum were friends, and my own parents have a close friend who was my dad's girlfriend for a while, years ago.

Mumsnet has this down as lack of boundaries. I think it's being a grown up about things and that not being ruled by jealousy is a good thing, although I appreciate not everyone would agree.

However, like any friendship, it has to be wanted on both sides for it to work. Your ex's GF is conforming to ideas in our society that are pretty mainstream, about how relationships should work, so I don't think you'll get anywhere with changing their minds.

Unfortunately, you do need to accept that they want a clean break now, and that it's time to let your ex do that, if that's what he wants. Allow yourself to be sad about it, as it IS sad that he is withdrawing in this way. For a lot of people that happens when you split so the mourning of that loss happens then. It's OK to feel sad that it's happening now. But you do need to accept it and let him go, just like when someone wants out of a relationship, it's their choice and there's nothing you can do, except protect your own feelings and your child's through this change.

This.
I think your relationship sounds lovely and so what that most other people have a rather colder relationship after a split- clearly your way is better. But I agree with above that sadly you will very much struggle to get it back if the new GF is not as open minded

SemperIdem · 22/12/2022 22:10

@ruthbush why is op’s way “better”

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 06:03

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 21:38

The bedroom decorating was nit because I'm not capable although help makes the Job easier. DD was so excited about their room and I thought their dad would like to share that.

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You mentioned he used to help do jobs at your house. Then mentioned the bedroom and how he should want to do because it benefitted his daughter. He can share her excitement. When he doing something similar at his own house.

You want him to help because it benefits you. I think You hoped you could get him to relax the boundaries by saying it was something for your dd.

Ocrumbs · 23/12/2022 06:05

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 06:03

I think you need to be honest with yourself. You mentioned he used to help do jobs at your house. Then mentioned the bedroom and how he should want to do because it benefitted his daughter. He can share her excitement. When he doing something similar at his own house.

You want him to help because it benefits you. I think You hoped you could get him to relax the boundaries by saying it was something for your dd.

Show quote history

Yes I'd be very careful you're not using your daughter as an excuse

Mari9999 · 23/12/2022 13:59

Britoap123, your bond is with your mutual children not with each other. You are their family, but you are not family to each other.

Many exs remain closed friends , and I think that is because a close friendship existed before they became lovers and partners.That does not seem to be the case in your situation.

Speaking Xmas morning watching young children open presents does not seem to me to be something that mature people could not handle with grace and joy, but many prefer to do it differently.

Your ex is free to do things as he chooses, and his feelings about those things may change over time.

Keep reminding yourself that your common bond is with your children and not with each other. When he no longer wants to do things with you, that in no way speaks to his bond with his children. He is their father ,but he may no longer think of you as his friend. Let it go, and plan your own events recognizing that he will create his own new traditions. None of that means that you cannot be civil and even cordial when together at the necessary moments.

Original poster
Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

OP posts:
chocolateasaltyballs22 · 23/12/2022 15:48

Sorry OP but you're wrong on so many levels. What's best for the kids is both adults moving on with their lives and being happy apart.

hourbyhour101 · 23/12/2022 16:22

Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

The problem your facing op that your framing what's best for the you as "best" for the children.

And actually what your doing just adds confusion and ultimately upset when the kids realise that mum and dad aren't actually going to get back together. This will hurt them.

I imagine you would have had more sympathy on this post if you had just said it's annoying that my ex won't come decorate my Dd room in my house because I can't and I would do with the support.

It's quite rare anyone takes dads side on this board.

I'm a step kid btw and honestly I think you have this so wrong and what's worse is, I think you know it. That's why you won't entertain any emotional responsibility to this.

He's no longer your husband so no longer has to do stuff to keep you happy. He has his house and your have yours.

I'm assuming he hasn't asked you to help decorate your Dd room in his house ? (If your like no that's totally different) then your so far past helping I don't know what else to say tbh.

Ocrumbs · 23/12/2022 16:23

Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

That's the deal when you split up though. No good pretending you're still together.

Itsthewhitehat · 23/12/2022 16:26

Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

No you don’t have to put all personal feelings aside. Just like you don’t have to put all personal feelings aside if you are a couple with kids.

working together doesn’t mean, working together in a way that YOU want.

sunshinesupermum · 23/12/2022 16:50

You may still share kids together but your ex has a new life, whether you like it or not. You are not his family any longer. If you don't want his new GF to put her foot down and ask him not to spend so much time with you, you need to come to terms with this situation sooner rather than later so that your kids don't suffer.

aSofaNearYou · 23/12/2022 17:42

Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

You didn't put all personal feelings aside when you separated, so this is not the case. You balance personal feelings with what's best for the kids.

What you are finding here is that something that is not a problem for you personally, is for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2022 17:45

Is your feeling of guilt because you divorced him?

funinthesun19 · 23/12/2022 18:56

I don't like that I am being diminished

You sound like my ex when I started to have boundaries and he pulled his face about it. Your ex not beholden to you just because you share children, just like I’m not beholden to my ex either.
You’re not being diminished - just make your own life with your children. You’re still their mum.

Starseeking · 23/12/2022 19:53

I initially thought your OP might actually be a reverse, as it seemed so unreasonable in terms of your expectations OP.

Speaking from my own perspective having been a stepmum in a relationship with a man who was unable to draw appropriate boundaries with his EXDW (he is now my EXDP, but we share DC) you need to find a way to accept the new way your EX wants the relationship between the two of you to change.

It sounds like your EX is more than willing to, and continuing to, have a relationship with his DC, as it should be.

I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest.

The above quote from your post is a by-product of DC having parents who are no longer in a relationship with each other, I'm afraid, and you do need to find a way to manage these emotions, given your EX withdrawing from you (not your DC).

Your EX really doesn't need to be there for your DC's bedroom decoration, however nothing in your posts indicates that your EX has an issue with attending things like your DC graduation etc alongside you, which is the important thing to focus on.

SemperIdem · 23/12/2022 20:12

Britpal123 · 23/12/2022 14:39

I'm quite shocked really , I'm no way saying I am the number one woman in his life at all.

However, sharing kids should mean we have to put personal feelings aside and do what is best for them. I hate that my kids miss out with having both parents at certain times in their life if I'm honest. And maybe I am like this due to guilt but hey I want the best for my kids. I don't see the boundaries argument because ultimately no matter what we are responsible for little lives in equal measure and have to work together.

It’s been quite clear you don’t understand boundaries throughout this thread.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 23/12/2022 20:28

because we were a family once

Yes you were a family. You stopped being that family when you split. Your family is now you and your children.

Kids need clear boundaries, and by "playing" happy families, you're giving them false hope that you will get back together.

Why are you texting him about things that aren't related to the children? If he's asked about putting boundaries in place, you're clearly overstepping the mark here. It really sounds like you want him back.