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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex no longer does family things since GF

168 replies

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Hi all,

I have two DD age 7 and 9 I split from ex 6 years ago. We had an amicable split and still did family days out together, birthdays together, he'd come round and help out round the house. However, since his GF and now finance has come on the scene he has pulled away quite considerably and I get texts all about boundaries. For me this must be coming from his fiance as some kind of insecurity. Now it's got to the point where it is now purely drop off and pick ups. He does his own separate things and my kids don't see their parents ever together doing any activities. I feel it's just so sad. He has the kids every other weekend and two days in the week. I asked him if he could help re decorate DD's bedroom. This is something that benefits his kids and took him days to reply and the answer was that's it's not appropriate and to ask someone else!! What do they think that I'll jump on him whilst he's painting. I asked if we could go halves on a Xmas present and again he said that he will be doing this with his fiance. I feel really frustrated that we can't all be adults. I generally get on with his future wife and wish them luck but I don't like that I am being diminished. I've also been told not to text past 8pm etc or ring but info of kid issues haven't got a time limit. On Facebook all pic of me are gone and the ones where i am with the kids. Thats really hurtful because we were a family once and thats memories. Am I being unreasonable or am I dealing with pettiness here.

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/12/2022 10:47

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:13

You have no idea, neither does the OP, that this has come from his fiance.

It says in the OP that everything changed when the girlfriend came along, so it’s a reasonable assumption.

It's really not. A man is capable of putting boundaries in place himself when he gets into a new relationship.

Par91 · 22/12/2022 11:39

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

She's not pathetic, insecure or his girlfriend. She is his fiance and they are clearly setting normal healthy boundaries.

giggly · 22/12/2022 11:43

Another going against the grain. I’ve been separated for years when dc were 7&10. I have a better relationship with exdh than before. We frequently have family days out. He is in our home a couple of times most weeks, me less so in his. We split Christmas and birthday presents/ parties equally and he comes to see the dc open their presents on Christmas morning
We are civil neither in the least bit interested in each other.
He will even pick me up on a rare night out.
Our current partners have no issues with this as it is so well established and it would be a deal breaker in any new relationship.
We are teaching our dc that they are what is important and this is what civilised unthreatened parents am do.
I also decorated his bedroom when he moved as I’m better at it than him and he paid me.
😂

stealthninjamum · 22/12/2022 11:50

I can see both sides, there was a thread recently where a new partner was upset that her partner had photos of his ex on facebook recently and lots of people said that it was the past and no reflection of his situation with her. To me, life is too short to go through social media removing pictures of my ex and if my children ever join Facebook it would look wrong to have removed their father from family photos.

Having said that I probably wouldn’t go on a family day out with my ex and dc are happy with that. Maybe once a year we’ll go out to lunch these days.

As for decorating, I have my dc 7 nights a week, and very little time to myself. I am more than capable of decorating my dcs room and making flatpack furniture. And dd1 is old enough to help with small bits of furniture. But given my ex does nothing - and dc don’t have a room in his house - would I really be unreasonable to ask him to help to make the job quicker? In reality he would be too busy gaming or online dating.

So I don’t think op is being entirely unreasonable.

Original poster
Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

OP posts:
Wronglane · 22/12/2022 11:57

I disagree with a lot of posters here. I think showing kids that their parents can still get on and that they are still a family is important. Just because you’re not romantic partners you ARE still a family. Also you have children together so you are bonded forever. I think decorating the room is a bit much but Xmas presents from both of you is fine. That’s what we do.

LindaEllen · 22/12/2022 12:14

You wouldn't like it if your partner was so heavily involved with their ex, would you? Try to remember the reasons you broke up. They must have been good reasons.

You either want to be with him or you don't. You can't just pick and choose to have the good times and the help round the house but then send them home at the end of the day.

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 12:25

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 10:02

I hear you OP. IMO good parents, even when they are separated, prioritise their children. That means that if there’s a chance of the two parents having a friendly relationship and helping each other out where they can then they should. Even if that is inconvenient for a jealous and insecure new partner.

It would be fair for you to stop doing the happy family days out together when one of you has a new partner, but for him to not even help with things like decorating his own child’s bedroom is shitty. It’s a problem because he would have been happy to do it before the new partner arrived, and he shouldn’t be giving a new girlfriend the power to leave his children’s mother without help when she needs it.

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

She should be able to do it herself unless she has a disability

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 12:26

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 10:06

Miraculously I managed to decorate my own child's bedroom, even with my vagina getting in the way!!

Show quote history

Exactly! Show your child they don't need a man to get stuff like this done!

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 12:27

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/12/2022 10:47

It's really not. A man is capable of putting boundaries in place himself when he gets into a new relationship.

Show quote history

Yes he might have gone..hmm.. I have a beautiful fiance now so I should make sure I'm spending time with her rather than doing DIY for my ex who can do it herself.

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 12:27

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 11:57

I disagree with a lot of posters here. I think showing kids that their parents can still get on and that they are still a family is important. Just because you’re not romantic partners you ARE still a family. Also you have children together so you are bonded forever. I think decorating the room is a bit much but Xmas presents from both of you is fine. That’s what we do.

You are "bonded" through the children. They know the situation. They aren't thick.

SemperIdem · 22/12/2022 12:33

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

In what way are you not being afforded respect and gratitude?

Your shared children are entitled to his time which he still fully intends on giving, based on what you have posted. You are not.

If you have also moved on, why would your new partner not help you decorate one of your children’s rooms? That is a bit weird, to me.

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 12:40

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

@Britpal123 He may also eventually share all that and have that bond with his new partner, and unfortunately you won't top trump her position.

CornishGem1975 · 22/12/2022 12:41

I disagree with a lot of posters here. I think showing kids that their parents can still get on and that they are still a family is important. Just because you’re not romantic partners you ARE still a family. Also you have children together so you are bonded forever. I think decorating the room is a bit much but Xmas presents from both of you is fine. That’s what we do.

Wrong! You are not a family!

Sugarcube84 · 22/12/2022 12:50

I had this with my dp. Before I came along he had the late night texts/requests, very ‘flexible’ contact, joint presents at xmas he took her on his family holiday…

When we started dating he saw (not me) that it was no longer needed or appropriate to be texting/ringing late at night honestly it just made him panic there was an emergency each time so he was almost on alert all the time. Most of the time it was to ask for money so not an emergency.

We could never make plans for our weekends with the kids as we never knew about contact, his dd missed a trip we went on and so he then requested to make changes to this.

Xmas, she had Xmas Eve/Xmas night the joint presents were opened at hers without him. He started to see that this wasn’t fair picking them up Xmas day for a rushed hour to open presents at his before the same at his mums. He was getting no quality time. They now alternate and he’s woken up with his kids on Xmas morning for the first time in 10 years

He only saw it for what it was when he saw how my coparenting relationship worked. We had routine, no real need to contact each other as everything was settled so if there was a phone call it was for good reason. We alternate Xmas so our ds has traditions at both houses.

It was also telling how his kids reacted when we got engaged (already had a baby at this point) he asked my ds for permission who was made up. He took his kids out alone almost a week after getting engaged and his dd cried, this just showed to me how damaging all that flexibility was. As lots of other posters say the kids were holding out for them getting back together.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 12:50

Ah so you ARE one of those types then OP. The 'I deserve respect and gratitude' comment says it all.

Not because I don't think you deserve respect but because I can't see how he what he has suggested going forward is disrespecting you. What people often mean with that is 'I want you to do whatever I want or deem is right/appropriate because IM THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN'.

You are the mother of his children and yes you are tied together for life due to that. But that, in my opinion anyway does not mean he has to accompany you on family days out or decorate your house for you. He can respect you as the mother of his children without doing whatever it is YOU want him to do. He, who is equally your children's parent, no longer wishes to do these things and he, as his own person and not just your object to control, is perfectly entitled to decide this situation no longer works for him.

There are plenty of separated parents who do not do these things together, it is a perfectly normal thing to do or want. You can disagree about whether it's for the best but he is allowed to make that choice himself and it's really not disrespectful toward you for him to do so.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 12:53

The family thing is a matter of opinion too. To me, both parents are part of the children's family but that is not the same as saying the parents are each others family.

I.e. my Mum is my family and so is my Dad. But my Dad would not consider my Mum his family and neither would she.

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 12:55

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 12:53

The family thing is a matter of opinion too. To me, both parents are part of the children's family but that is not the same as saying the parents are each others family.

I.e. my Mum is my family and so is my Dad. But my Dad would not consider my Mum his family and neither would she.

Yes that's how I see it.

PeekAtYou · 22/12/2022 12:56

He's right.
If he wants a successful relationship with his fiancée he needs to maintain boundaries.
Hanging out together when you're not a couple isn't always the best for kids. They could be harbouring fantasies that you reunite and struggle to accept new partners which isn't good for anyone.
It is fine for him to delete pics of you. You are the past and his gf and kids are the future. You should be diminished in his life now that he has a fiancée.
I assume that you don't have a partner.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/12/2022 13:01

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

You’re in for a shock. He is bonded to his kids, as are you. He is NOT bonded to you, mother of his children isn’t a thing.

He has a new girlfriend and he’s bonded to her. Why would he have to show gratitude to you? You sound controlling and jealous.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:05

We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact

And whilst this is true, you seem to be seeing this as the most important bond he could have with someone. I disagree. His marriage should be his focus now and his bond with his wife AND obviously his children. Not you, not any more than is necessary to co parent effectively. It doesn't make you MORE important than his future wife because you happened to have had kids with him before she met him, I have friends who have children with people they can't stand or were only with a few short months/years. It really doesn't mean all that much in terms of the relationship you need to have with that other parent or the bond you share.

The important people to continue a bond with is the children and I can't see how he's not doing that.

Starseeking · 22/12/2022 13:07

You're not a "together family" any more, so it's right that you shouldn't be doing "together family" things.

Your EX and his DP are right to create these boundaries, as you don't seem to be able to. Your DC may have been seeing these "family" days out as giving them hope that you may get back together, and it's confusing for them.

Find someone else to decorate your house and do your odd jobs, it's really not appropriate.

P.S. it's highly misogynistic to blame his fiancé for the changes, your EX is the one you have DC with, and decisions are on him.

purpledalmation · 22/12/2022 13:07

Wow, you're being totally unreasonable. You have a partner, ask him to decorate the room or better still, do it yourself.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:13

P.S. it's highly misogynistic to blame his fiancé for the changes, your EX is the one you have DC with, and decisions are on him.

It's alwayssss the same on here. If he stopped seeing the kids that would be her fault as well rather than him just being a twat. Basically anything he does now which is seen by the OP as negative toward her or DC will be conveniently blamed on the "new" girlfriend/wife I imagine.

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 13:13

@CornishGem1975 Wrong! You are not a family!

im not sure you get to decide that. My ex has a serious partner and I don’t infringe on that at all but it’s important for our son that we are still a family that can rely on each other. So we are. No-one is upset or hurt. Let other people live how they want to. People used to say same sex couples weren’t a family. Families come in all sorts of shapes sizes and spaces