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Original poster

Ex no longer does family things since GF

168 replies

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 00:02

Hi all,

I have two DD age 7 and 9 I split from ex 6 years ago. We had an amicable split and still did family days out together, birthdays together, he'd come round and help out round the house. However, since his GF and now finance has come on the scene he has pulled away quite considerably and I get texts all about boundaries. For me this must be coming from his fiance as some kind of insecurity. Now it's got to the point where it is now purely drop off and pick ups. He does his own separate things and my kids don't see their parents ever together doing any activities. I feel it's just so sad. He has the kids every other weekend and two days in the week. I asked him if he could help re decorate DD's bedroom. This is something that benefits his kids and took him days to reply and the answer was that's it's not appropriate and to ask someone else!! What do they think that I'll jump on him whilst he's painting. I asked if we could go halves on a Xmas present and again he said that he will be doing this with his fiance. I feel really frustrated that we can't all be adults. I generally get on with his future wife and wish them luck but I don't like that I am being diminished. I've also been told not to text past 8pm etc or ring but info of kid issues haven't got a time limit. On Facebook all pic of me are gone and the ones where i am with the kids. Thats really hurtful because we were a family once and thats memories. Am I being unreasonable or am I dealing with pettiness here.

OP posts:
Wronglane · 22/12/2022 13:16

And some of us still like our exes and get on!!

hourbyhour101 · 22/12/2022 13:17

Christ on a bike.

The level of entitlement your showing.

For your sake and your childrens sake please stop saying but "I'm the mother of his kids" like it's a royal title because it's not

Sorry but your being massively unreasonable here

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:17

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 13:13

@CornishGem1975 Wrong! You are not a family!

im not sure you get to decide that. My ex has a serious partner and I don’t infringe on that at all but it’s important for our son that we are still a family that can rely on each other. So we are. No-one is upset or hurt. Let other people live how they want to. People used to say same sex couples weren’t a family. Families come in all sorts of shapes sizes and spaces

No but neither do you. If he doesn't see his ex as his family or someone he wants to do family things with then that's up to him, and clearly he's made that choice. It doesn't mean he's bad or disrespectful or anything else. He's made a decision for himself on where his boundaries are going forward. That's him, that's his choice. It's not his fiances fault and it's something that's very normal actually with separated parents especially those who have moved on to new partnerships.

Reugny · 22/12/2022 13:18

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

The ties you share are actually to your joint children and not to each other.

This means if he doesn't want to spend Christmas Day with you then he doesn't have to.

He has been respectful by letting you have the children on Christmas Day for the full day. He could like many separate parents insist on having them from noon on Christmas day.

He doesn't need to give you any gratitude as you are no longer in a relationship with one another.

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 13:18

@Rarararaaa I’m not sure I said any of those things in any of my posts….

dogtheted · 22/12/2022 13:19

Sorry op, but YABU.

Honeyroar · 22/12/2022 13:21

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

You’ll always still share your kids. But that’s all. It doesn’t mean that you have to share all the time with the kids. He’ll have a new family with his fiancée and (his/your) children - and perhaps more children in the future. You’ll have a family with your children and perhaps your partner. Your children will enjoy time with both sides of their family. Yes you’ll come together for some events, like school events and weddings, but other than that you need to forge your own life, like he is, and not expect him to be your unpaid handyman.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:21

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 13:18

@Rarararaaa I’m not sure I said any of those things in any of my posts….

In your first post you literally said 'you ARE a family'. That's not for you to decide anymore than the PP deciding for you. He obviously doesn't see it that way.

Itsthewhitehat · 22/12/2022 13:23

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

You will both be grand parents to grandkids, maybe, one day. You may both attend weddings. So will his wife.

That doesn’t mean that you have to continue to coparent in a way that suits you. You are his ex who he needs to coparent with. That’s it.

Your kids didn’t ask for this situation. But that doesn’t mean YOU get to dictate how it will work.

You want respect and gratitude, but it actually sounds like you want the benefits of a partner (help round the house mentioned twice) without the romantic involvement. His life has moved on. You aren’t a priority anymore. His kids should be. But not having the relationship that you want doesn’t mean he isn’t prioritising the kids. and not doing odd jobs in your house, doesn’t mean he isn’t prioritising your kids.

You need to separate your relationship with him and the relationship between him and the kids. He doesn’t need the relationship with you, that you want to be a good dad.

Your ‘bond’ has changed. He is getting married and will, potentially, have more kids with his wife. His life is his kids and his, soon to be wife.

You are an adult. You need to start running your household yourself. Figure out how to do DIY and decorating.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:25

Figure out how to do DIY and decorating.

Or if a penis is really required, she could ask her own partner!

Xer · 22/12/2022 13:39

You are responsible for your house and your childrens room at your place. Your ex is responsible for his place and his kids room there.
You have a very weird world view of yourself and his priorities just because you had children together. What happens when he has children with someone else (which happens). Will you be bitter? Will you expect your children to be put first simply because they were born first? Do you needs top trump his girlfriend? What if she becomes his wife? Do you somehow come above that because you had a child with him?

kingtamponthefurred · 22/12/2022 13:50

You need to move on. And learn to use a paint roller, it is not difficult.

JuliaDomna · 22/12/2022 13:56

I disagree with many of these posts. My husband and I divorced when my children were very young but we both realised that we would always be a family of sorts .We had a responsibility to parent our children in a way that put our feelings towards each other aside and them first. We didn't love each other anymore and divorce was absolutely the right thing but we also felt that our children should not suffer.

We both went on to have other relationships but we still remained a family. Our partners were included, no-one was left out. I really liked his partner and her children were included as well. It is like a Venn Diagram, where there was an overlap in our lives, but also large parts which did not involve each other. So the children felt secure. We did do joint presents, joint birthday parties and other celebrations until they went to university and yes the ex did help out with DIY occasionally when I was single.

My children are adults now and appreciate that they never felt like piggy in the middle. They now have their own relationship with him and his new family and separately with me so I am no longer involved with him. But we do still all meet up once a year for a meal out. His partner and her now adult children always join in.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 14:11

I think so much of it is personal choice though. I don't think he's wrong to not want to do things just because OP does. There are loads of separated parents who co parent just fine but choose not to do things together "as a family" still. One way is not necessarily superior to the other if both parties do not want it.

And there are issues too, I have divorced parents, do I wish they'd been able to be more civil than they were? Yes definitely! Would I have benefitted from "family" Christmases or days out or things like that... Hmm I don't think I would personally. I know what it's like to be that child secretly hoping your parents will come around and get back together and I genuinely think that sort of set up would have had the potential to really confuse me. I don't agree it's always better for the kids.

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 14:12

And I highly doubt OP would be up for inviting this new wife out with them on these family days out. Perhaps I'm wrong but I can't see it personally.

ThePear · 22/12/2022 14:17

You haven’t posted one example of how he’s disrespected you, so it’s hard to reply. Do you show gratitude to him? Do you offer to do DIY in his home?

Only seeing him when he’s collecting and dropping kids off is utterly normal, you’ve broken up long ago, he’s your kids family member, not yours.

SemperIdem · 22/12/2022 14:19

I would say on the “still being a family” element - it’s not as cut and dried as yes or no.

I’ve been separated from my daughters dad for 6 years, we’ve always been amicable (though of course there have been pinch points and they will continue). We do help each other out when needed, I would say I have helped him out more than vice versa because sadly, he doesn’t have much wider family left. But I’ve loaned him my car, looked after his dog, we buy each other Christmas and birthday gifts for our daughter to give, we message daily about our daughter, will go for the odd meal just us two and our daughter, other times our partners will join, we attend school functions together etc

So I do consider him to be a part of my family but we also have good boundaries and the relationship we have now has grown over the years since our separation, with acknowledgments made that whilst we are family, we are not each others priority - our daughter is our priority.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/12/2022 14:20

Any woman that is so pathetically insecure that she can’t cope with her boyfriend decorating his own child’s bedroom is a selfish bitch that I would be gutted to have as my children’s potential step mother.

Any women so pathetically incapable of painting a bedroom, I would be gutted to have for a mother.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/12/2022 14:25

They might not be together but needing some help with things like decorating is not being unable to stand on your own two feet.

Of course it is. If you can’t physically do it, hire someone. You don’t get to call the shots on your ex, just because you bore a child. Some people are so weird.

Abhannmor · 22/12/2022 14:27

Good post @FfaCoffi . I'm pretty good mates with my ex and was also with DPs ex. But that's just not a mainstream view.

This change is hard but you're probably better off moving on yourself?

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 22/12/2022 14:28

He’s doing the right thing. Blurred boundaries are confusing for the kids. His approach is quite normal.

Itsthewhitehat · 22/12/2022 14:31

JuliaDomna · 22/12/2022 13:56

I disagree with many of these posts. My husband and I divorced when my children were very young but we both realised that we would always be a family of sorts .We had a responsibility to parent our children in a way that put our feelings towards each other aside and them first. We didn't love each other anymore and divorce was absolutely the right thing but we also felt that our children should not suffer.

We both went on to have other relationships but we still remained a family. Our partners were included, no-one was left out. I really liked his partner and her children were included as well. It is like a Venn Diagram, where there was an overlap in our lives, but also large parts which did not involve each other. So the children felt secure. We did do joint presents, joint birthday parties and other celebrations until they went to university and yes the ex did help out with DIY occasionally when I was single.

My children are adults now and appreciate that they never felt like piggy in the middle. They now have their own relationship with him and his new family and separately with me so I am no longer involved with him. But we do still all meet up once a year for a meal out. His partner and her now adult children always join in.

It’s doesn’t have to be Ops (and yours) set up OR kids being piggy in the middle and being damaged.

That’s the point. If your set up works for you. That’s great.

I have a grown up child who never felt like piggy in the middle, or that there was any animosity between us. We didn’t act like a family unit after we split. We have had this conversation before, when it’s come up on MN, and dd thinks it would have been odd to carry on being so involved with eachother. It wouldn’t have worked for her. She likes. The clear lines. It worked for your kids, but I doubt it would have if your exh didn’t want to do this.

This set up is fine if everyone wants to do it. If they don’t, that’s fine too.

Ocrumbs · 22/12/2022 16:15

Rarararaaa · 22/12/2022 13:25

Figure out how to do DIY and decorating.

Or if a penis is really required, she could ask her own partner!

Her partner may be female.

Wronglane · 22/12/2022 16:20

Blurred boundaries are confusing for the kids

children are absolutely the most open minded of all humans!

MintJulia · 22/12/2022 16:22

Britpal123 · 22/12/2022 11:54

I can see I've divided opinion. The facts are I am the mother of his kids and we share something that ties us together even after the kids are grown. We will share grandkids , weddings etc ... my kids didn't ask to have this separate family situation and as the main care giver I do feel I should be afforded respect and gratitude. We do have a bond that isn't with anyone else thats just a fact. He moved on romanticly and so have I but we still share kids!

You share dcs. You don't share decorating, Sunday lunch or family days out. You are perfectly capable of doing your own decorating.

Maybe the fiancée is preparing the ground for when they have a child together and you will need to get your head around the fact that she and your ex, and his children are all a family unit that doesn't include you.