Fed up of reminding him. Shall I stop?

[chickidychick]

DH used to leave it last minute to do Christmas shopping for the DSC and was then left trying to think of ideas for stocking fillers in the local (small) supermarket shop. This was when I first met him. When we moved in together I took it upon myself to pester him to look a bit earlier. They loved their stocking that year and since then I've kept up with the reminding and suggestions.

We now have a DC and I'm back at work. Frankly I do not have the brain capacity to keep reminding him. I'm sorting out DC's. Am I a complete evil step mum to just tell him its black Friday week if he wanted to start looking for Christmas presents and leave it at that?

Could you not get all the kids stuff together?

Nobody is ‘useless’ at gift buying - that’s just what lazy/selfish men say to ensure they don’t have to do something they find boring/hard work. Gift giving involves asking a child what they want/thinking about what the child likes, looking up where to buy it, then going to purchase that thing. It is not an inherent talent. He isn’t leaving it until the last minute and then buying rubbish from the supermarket because he’s ‘useless’ but because he can’t be bothered putting in the effort.

This is such a weird question. Unless she's getting all the kids the same things, how does this save any work?

Sorry I get what you mean now, I mean all the posters saying "why can't you just get the DSC presents whilst getting your own kid's."

Why not suggest he hands over cash to children's Mum and ask if she can source joint gifts from the both of them. They are the parents to these children.

Is this a joke?

I sometimes felt like this OP … but I carried on doing it till DSD was an adult ( she deserved it nothing to do with her Dad) and I still pester a bit now she’s mid twenties .. though mostly to make sure he’s communicated and got her what she wants

You know I would stop reminding him tbh.

Yes it's shit for DSC but if there any guilt for him not taking part of the mental load then that guilt belongs to him.

If he was good in every other area I might let it slide and do it (I find gift buying quite enjoyable) but im a saddo that loves Christmas.

But if he's lacking and you feel like not pulling his weight, then I would leave him to it. And if anyone pointed it out I would cheerfully tell them your respecting him as a parent and expecting him to look after his Dc how he sees fit (and you wouldn't want to overstep 😏)

Before anyone angry @s me if DH was single assuming either he would do it himself or completely bodge it up. But the DSC are in no worse position than they would have been if op wasn't on the scene. Likely with her prompting even once they have better odds than they would have done

I know this is said kindly but for the love of god no one suggested this to my ex.

I got rid of the bugger for a reason. I'm thankful I don't have to do that shit anymore (just a mum's opinion obviously)

Also don't think op should do it either.

Why oh why do we make it so easy for men to get away from doing this type of thing 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I presumed that post was a joke.

But yeah, the excuse making for men is just pathetic. Oh he’s just hopeless at gift giving, he simply can’t do it. And it turns out he actually can do it but he just can’t be arsed and leaves it till the very last second then grabs whatever rubbish he can get at the shop the day before without putting any thought or effort into it.

My favourite was a stepmum post recently that said of her husband ‘practical parenting isn’t really his strength.’ I mean I don’t know how people can be bothered with these helpless men who can’t do basic and normal tasks without a woman facilitating.

You have to pester a grown man to buy his own daughter a Christmas gift? What do you think he’d do if you weren’t there to ‘pester’ him into buying a gift for his own child?

@Kanaloa I hope so ... but I fear not based on some of the comments.

A man's ability to be a decent dad or not shouldn't be based on whether any female is willing to do the work for him. And in this case neither sm or mum should be doing this iMO of course

I did this.

My husband isn't necessarily useless at buying gifts but he does leave it until the very last minute (would give me a heart attack to do that, I prefer to start early and be organised). He'll have an idea of a main gift but then he'll be rushing around trying to sort it out on the 23rd December. It's not even funny how late he leaves things! Same with stockings as OP, he just doesn't bother until the extremely last minute, then they end up with a load of tat (anything he can find) that stays untouched until the following year when I take it to charity shops.

I used to try and help, get them myself blah blah but I've stopped now too. I'm sick to death of worrying about it. He will never learn, certainly not if I just do it for him so I let him stress about it a few days before Christmas if he wants to.

I now sort my side of the family and our joint child and that's it. I've gotten all of theirs now and have nothing left to buy. DH hasn't sorted a single present for his two children or any member of his family. Honestly I'm not even thinking about it, he'll sort something so I'm leaving him to it. He's a big boy.

We also don't share finances (no way would I ever do so in a blended family) so I'd end up paying for it and never seeing the money again. When and if he says he's buying something for DSC, I may or may not, offer to put some towards it but making the effort of going and getting something or thinking what to get will need to come from him.

He isn't a baby, he doesn't need mothering.

Stop reminding him OP and don't even let it worry you again. I feel a lot less stressed this time of year since I stopped.

Also hate this shit about 'working with each others skills'.

Being good at DIY is a skill, being the better cook or better gardener is a skill.

Basic life shit like buying your children a Christmas present shouldn't require your wife to use her womanly skills on your behalf. It's BASIC SHIT.

All this 'I buy them in our house because I'm better at it than my husband' is just excusing men from doing BASIC SHIT.

I wouldn't expect my husband to leave all the food shopping or cleaning or washing to me because I'm more "skilled" at it. What a lame excuse.

It's part of being an adult, and a parent, to buy your children a gift at Christmas. It shouldn't be difficult and it shouldn't require a woman.

What on earth would all these men do if they didn't have wives or women in their lives so much more skilled at present buying than them? Would all of their children just be opening scotch mist on Christmas day? Or would they magically then be able to cope if they had to?

MN is honestly my daily ‘DH appreciation’ reminder.

Whenever I take him for granted, or assume his adulting is normal, I come on here and realise that there are swathes of hopeless, feckless men, strategically ‘incapable’ of even the most basic tasks, just dumping on their partners and leaving it all to them. And it definitely makes me appreciate him a lot more.

And then I look at my gay DB and DBIL, miraculously running a house, full time jobs, and asking me a few weeks ago what ideas I could give them for Christmas presents for all of us. Without wives, they have to do the daily grind and carry the mental load themselves. There’s no ‘mummy’ substitute to prod them, remind them, hand-hold them and take them along to the shop, because they can’t possibly be expected to do such a task all by themselves.

Honestly, some men are so sub-standard, but it’s only on MN - a complete window into another world for me - that I see it. I don’t see it in my real life, because all the men are (my) normal - functioning adults, pulling their weight.

I'm a bit confused by the posters talking about the SCs going without or being punished. The worst case scenario here is that their stockings aren't as amazing as they are used to. This isn't going to harm them in any way.

Crazy isn't it! And there's people actually justifying it too because it's apparently a "skill" to buy presents.

Mind you they wouldn't be justifying it if we weren't discussing step children of course.

It is possible the stepkids might really like his attempt. My husband has come back with some pretty unusual/random gifts (not bad gifts just a bit out there!), these always impress SD. Actually, they might be happy with it if they can tell their dad made it! Depending on if they believe in the big fc or not

Case in point - my dad often did his xmas shopping on Christmas eve... at sports direct across from his office. Bulk polo shirts and inexplicable adult sized lonsdale hoodies for me! Totally random gifts but I look back fondly

Do you? Your father (who presumably was a competent adult, since he had a job) literally walked into a shop and bought any rubbish and gave it to you, not caring if it was something you wanted or liked. He couldn’t be arsed putting forth the basic amount of effort for his child. Would you look back fondly if your mother had done that? Or was it easy to forgive his lazy incompetence because she ensured you had some actual presents you wanted?

I honestly despair of men doing less than the bare minimum and it somehow being acceptable.