Fed up of reminding him. Shall I stop?

[chickidychick]

DH used to leave it last minute to do Christmas shopping for the DSC and was then left trying to think of ideas for stocking fillers in the local (small) supermarket shop. This was when I first met him. When we moved in together I took it upon myself to pester him to look a bit earlier. They loved their stocking that year and since then I've kept up with the reminding and suggestions.

We now have a DC and I'm back at work. Frankly I do not have the brain capacity to keep reminding him. I'm sorting out DC's. Am I a complete evil step mum to just tell him its black Friday week if he wanted to start looking for Christmas presents and leave it at that?

Angry? More 🙄

Its up to you if you excuse him because he’s ‘useless at Xmas organisation’. If he can organise other things, which presumably he can as you have said he’s not rubbish overall, then he can do Xmas too.

Does he know where the shops are? Does he take an interest in his children so knows what they like? Does he have access to money? Does he know when Xmas is? Of course he does. The rest is just excuses and laziness.

Not the hill to die on. Just do it. Poor sc.

No

YANBU, people don't get how draining this is. Every year I'm nagging my DP to think about presents nearly every day, and it's not just for DSS it's for all of his side of the family. Every year I try and tell myself to stop reminding him, and every year I struggle, but I truly think that's the right thing to do. I'm sorting my side of the family out and leading with our kids, he should be able to sort his.

On top of that, I know full well that whatever we get DSS he is going to act disinterested and ungrateful and it is going to piss my DP off and make him vent about how high his expectations are and how he's been spoilt by his mum. So I am quite done with dedicating any emotional energy to what we get DSS!

Agreed. As the child of a home where a step-dad professed undying love for me, only to completely reject me once he had his own kid, this stuff is so damaging.

Note, if you had never done this for the SCs I would be fine about it. It's just that you're changing your approach now your own DC has arrived, which means your SC's will get a really clear signal that they aren't as important in your home now. I get it's really frustrating and your DP's fault and all that, there are all the excuses in the world to do it. But on Christmas morning you are going to have kids feeling like shit. I couldn't do it.

I mean, if you have a second DC in, say, seven years are you going to stop shopping for DC1 because they like different things to DC2? It's just the wrong point to make.

@aSofaNearYou That sounds so hard. I'm lucky for maintenance presents they like to write a list and I just left DH to sort out his side of the family. And they always seem grateful. Must be tough to have put in the effort for little back.

I'm not having a 2nd DC

This is the 3rd Christmas DC has been here for Christmas.

‘Because why should I they are his kids’

you’ve hit the nail on the head here

why should you? Wow!!!! Because you didn’t mind doing it whilst you encouraged him to commit to you and have your child but now you’ve got what you wanted you just can’t be bothered! More fool him - this way of thinking by the step mother is a very common approach on here!

let me tell you why you should, you should because you are doing it for the children out of love and consideration!

they might be ‘his’ children but they are in your life so don’t ruin theirs by drawing your line in the sand and staying over ‘your’ side!!

how sad! These step parent posts are dreadful! If you take the man in take his kids on too, treat all kids fairly and if you don’t then don’t come here to cry in twenty years when they don’t want you at their wedding because you were such an ass during their formative years!!!

they’re only kids fgs

they didn’t ask to come into your life, probably don’t want to be in your life and probably just want to be respected, loved and made to feel part of your family

It's only my DSS that we always have the ungrateful problem with. I used to make suggestions about what to get him but really can't be bothered anymore because it's always the same.

Don't get me wrong I love my DP and none of this is a serious issue, but I disagree with posters saying this isn't a hill to die on! I like the idea of giving and receiving gifts but in practise I find thinking of things difficult and worrying about not having certain people sorted yet as time gets closer, stressful. It isn't a small thing adding all of DPs family to the people I need to worry about choosing for. It makes a big difference to my Christmas experience that he does this himself!

It’s ok for people to realise they’re being taken advantage of and push back. It’s not OP’s job. If this is going to impact DSC that’s their fathers problem and it’s up to him to address it and ensure the transition is seamless. OP has, in effect, been doing her OH a favour for the previous years. Nice whilst it lasted but she is not obliged to do that forever and ever amen.

why should you? Wow!!!! Because you didn’t mind doing it whilst you encouraged him to commit to you and have your child but now you’ve got what you wanted you just can’t be bothered! More fool him - this way of thinking by the step mother is a very common approach on here!

Is this how you act and behave or are you just putting words and thoughts into the mouths of actual step parents?

It's very common for people to be more accommodating of someone's faults in the early days of their relationship and slowly become more fed up with it. It's also common for people to not really appreciate how little their partner is pulling their weight until you have kids and realise how much more you are doing for them than they are.

It is rarely a step mother laughing maniacally in the corner because they've tricked their partner into having kids with them and have now "got what they wanted" so have dropped the act. (Since when were all men automatically against commitment and children and needing to be tricked into it by women fulfilling all their responsibilities for them? And why are you presenting that like it's a good thing and he is a "fool" for ending up with someone who won't do it indefinitely?) It is usually someone who once cut their partner a lot of slack and did favours for them slowly realising they've been taking advantage of those favours, that's all.

Her not doing this ‘favour’ will only impact the children and not the husband and that is plain for all to see!

is Shouldn’t be them and us

it should be us all

otherwise there’s going to be issues

best to view the family as a unit and treat all fairly/equally

Yes and people put there best foot forward in the first few years of dating which is clearly what this op did

That's really not the point. It impacts her as well, it matters who does this for her sake.

And even if they were all her kids, it would be reasonable for her to say "right I'll do DC1, you do DC2" and expect him to do it. Because it's a chore that should be shared, she shouldn't have to carry the load of it all.

And? Did you read my comment at all? That doesn't mean the things they are doing in those early days are reasonable things for their partner to expect from them. People put up with more crap in the early days. It doesn't mean they should.

I’d just leave it to him. I did the same with the in-laws gifts, got fed up of having to do it.

People need to take note of things they see early on. A man not making much effort for his children at Xmas isn’t a man I’d want.

A sofa near you

yes but that’s not what she said is it? She said ‘

they’re not my kids so why should I do it’

and it’s that train of thought that is harmful to children and relationships

It's not something she should have to say but ultimately it's the truth. They're his kids so he should be doing it, or at least leading it, she's done it as a favour in the past but has since realised he's taking the piss and wants to stop.

This is perfectly reasonable. If you're doing someone a favour that they're perfectly capable of doing themselves, it's perfectly fair to stop as long as you've given them fair warning that's what you're doing. It's not then your fault if they don't take over.

The guy just leaves things to the last minute the op likes to be organised

it is ok to work to each other’s strengths in a relationship y know

anyway imagine dating a lovely guy who was super helpful with Xmas presents and ideas for your kids then boom after a few years the mask slips and actually he can no longer be bothered with your kids and only his own?

well that wouldn’t go down well in my world!!

hope the man in this scenario sees it the same way and that he smashes it out of the park for his kids and hopefully the op won’t then complain that he put so much effort into his kids but not ours 🙄

My dp is the same but I just can’t live with him doing one last shop last minute it makes me feel anxious so now we do the below

• I shop for stocking bits with the weekly shop and pick up bits for all the kids (mine/ours/his)
• we do one big shop for joint child, easy at the minute as it’s just one trip to big toy shop
• he came with me to shop for my son, similar style wanted clothes this year and the rest I bought online
• I bought all bits his daughter wanted online, much easier for me to do
• i was signed up to alerts for his sons big present to buy when it came in stock but now he’s going to shop for clothes for him, I may/May not go depending on when he goes.
• xmas day outfits he will sort mine/his and I’ve bought our child already as I saw it when shopping for something else

This joint effort works well and means no one misses out but one person isn’t left dealing with everything

Agree with all of this, and with @MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard

So incredibly petty. In the time you've spent here you could have been online ordering some stocking fillers.

I agree sounds a good plan. Some people are just not that great at gifts. I send my DH messages through the year of things I like so he can pick from a list. Works for us. Sounds like your plan would work for you.