Fed up of reminding him. Shall I stop?

[chickidychick]

DH used to leave it last minute to do Christmas shopping for the DSC and was then left trying to think of ideas for stocking fillers in the local (small) supermarket shop. This was when I first met him. When we moved in together I took it upon myself to pester him to look a bit earlier. They loved their stocking that year and since then I've kept up with the reminding and suggestions.

We now have a DC and I'm back at work. Frankly I do not have the brain capacity to keep reminding him. I'm sorting out DC's. Am I a complete evil step mum to just tell him its black Friday week if he wanted to start looking for Christmas presents and leave it at that?

A sofa near you

you have very cannily reframed her post to suit your own narrative and approach

reframing is a very useful tool and certainly everyone should try to reframe especially in what could be contentious discussions

off to get on with chores! Must keep off here so distracting

Do they still believe in Father Christmas? If so it's worth coordinating a bit on the stockings IMO although maybe less relevant if your joint child isn't getting chocolate because of their age. I've got children with a big age gap (3, 12 and 13) but they're all getting the same chocolate and sweets this year for the first time, youngest has had less in previous years but still matching chocolate coins. How you work that out with your husband is obviously difficult if he's a last minute sort of person and you reasonably don't want to do it all.

Is there nothing at all in your relationship that you're not that great at so your husband does it instead. If, as you say, he's pretty good at everything else why can't you do this one job?

To be honest, you'd have for a fair bit of internet shopping done if you'd have not posted and just browsed the shops instead!

No I haven't. She literally said in the OP she didn't have the headspace for it.

What have I reframed? Nothing,

I'd ask him to money and get their presents while I was getting my own child's. X

Sofa

im not talking about the man but you are focussing a lot on him

im talking about the children as that is what is at the heart of the post

im not talking about division of labour - clearly you are projecting massively here!!

this is the step parent board there’s be no post here if the kids were not step kids -

ill let you have the last word now but as a side note as the op is going to do some of the stocking I will rest my case and hopefully I’ve given her a useful perspective

(fwiw she said he’s great in others ways y know so that also adds weight to the argument that here she could easily do it)

I'm not projecting by talking about division of labour, that is the point of the thread. If anything the one's projecting are the one's saying "but those poor kids will be disappointed" and losing perspective as a result. If this was a thread with just biological children rather than SC, and the mum felt she was doing more than her fair share and wanted her DH to step up, nobody would be saying she should just not mind and do it all because "the children are at the heart of it". They would rightfully be saying he needs to step up.

There is a simple answer here - the kids shouldn't go without and OP shouldn't be left doing it all, because she should be able to simply say to him that he needs to do more and him do it. Which is what you are arguing against.

Ps him being good in other areas does not mean he does his fair share, let alone more than his fair share. If he was doing more than his fair share there would be an argument she should do all of the Christmas shopping, but there's no reason to think that. For the sake of argument if a couple usually divies out labour so both are doing roughly equal and then come Christmas one person is doing it all, then that one person is doing more than they should have to.

But he was perfectly happy doing it his way and I've helped him for years now. He's a capable adult just a bit useless when it comes to gift buying.

There's really no need to get so angry!

I have. Victoria secret body spray and a crystal nail file each.

I never had to. I've never been expected to do anything for them. He likes to parent his own kids.

Yes I don't have the headspace to take on the responsibility of his kid's stockings this year.

I have helped him in the past but I don't get why that makes some people so angry that I should be beholden to doing eat each and every year for his kids!

Anyway I've bought a couple of things, told him what I've got and said the rest is up to him this year. So all sorted.

That's it. That's the nail on the head right there. I could do it. But I have two DSC and while I've had a couple of ideas what they might like I just haven't given enough thought into their tweenage/teenage minds.

Do they also get a stocking from their mother? It doesn't have to be a competition

How old are they?

Is that all you need to choose what they'll like? They are both VERY different people so I don't know how you'll make it special - they won't want exactly the same things.

Yes but I don't think it will help if we start getting her involved too!

I just mean they are't going to have nothing as other posters seem to be making out

@Quitelikeit do you buy your step-kids stocking presents out of curiosity?

hope the man in this scenario sees it the same way and that he smashes it out of the park for his kids and hopefully the op won’t then complain that he put so much effort into his kids but not ours 🙄

So you think it would be a win win to punish his younger child by “smashing it out of the park” (aka going over the top🙄) for his eldest purely to teach OP a lesson?

That’s the beginning of a slippery slope if he behaves like that.

He could just buy some presents without it becoming a big song and dance couldn’t he?

I have a DSD 9 and this will be our 4th Christmas together. I have helped DP every year with stockings etc as it's something I've always enjoyed tbh. He never 'expects' it though, is always appreciative and always pays of course. I can understand if you have a child yourself now how you don't want to have to do everything but I'd still rather make sure my DSD had some nice stockings.

Just a few ideas, it doesn't have to be hard work. Either go to B&M together for a quick 30 mins trip and you can get a decent stocking for £25, or add things to a list on Amazon and he just buys the basket. Shouldn't have to be a huge task at all :)

And if your husband is any sort of decent dad, he’ll know his kids best and what they like. How can he possibly be useless at knowing what his kids would like? He just needs to stop being lazy and get on with it.

You seem to want to tell us he’s useless and a good dad at the same time.

Buying gifts can be difficult when you don’t know people that well, but honestly, anyone who is a decent parent can list their children’s likes/dislikes and then turn that into a few presents. The only thing stopping him is that he can’t be bothered and that doesn’t equal a great dad.

You seem to want to tell us he’s useless and a good dad at the same time. he is useless at gift buying yes. AFAIK that does not equate to not being a good dad.

Hehee I find this funny because yes. You would. However he has sat there this afternoon (both WFH) and asked me if I think they'd like x or y..

And no I wouldn't complain as I have agreed to sort out DC's as I know exactly what they need given I spend more time with her (part time work hours).

Exactly! That would be mean.

Anyway he's been looking this afternoon so I think it's working :)

No one is born being a great gift buyer. People that are good at it, are that way, because they take the time to get to know the recipient and then actually put time and effort into looking. That’s what good parents do.

Just a few ideas, it doesn't have to be hard work. Either go to B&M together for a quick 30 mins trip and you can get a decent stocking for £25, or add things to a list on Amazon and he just buys the basket. Shouldn't have to be a huge task at all :)

So if it’s all so ‘quick’ and ‘easy’ and ‘not a huge task at all’, why can’t he just do it?

Why does he need Mummy (the OP) to come along with him and hold his hand?

This sort of shopping is NOT a two-man job. It really isn’t.

Save everyone’s time, and OP do some of it, while grown adult DP does the rest.

Christ, all this babying of grown men. How do people live like this? I don’t know any men who need this.