Fed up of reminding him. Shall I stop?

[chickidychick]

DH used to leave it last minute to do Christmas shopping for the DSC and was then left trying to think of ideas for stocking fillers in the local (small) supermarket shop. This was when I first met him. When we moved in together I took it upon myself to pester him to look a bit earlier. They loved their stocking that year and since then I've kept up with the reminding and suggestions.

We now have a DC and I'm back at work. Frankly I do not have the brain capacity to keep reminding him. I'm sorting out DC's. Am I a complete evil step mum to just tell him its black Friday week if he wanted to start looking for Christmas presents and leave it at that?

Sofa near you

she only wants to stop because they aren’t her kids

she has stated that

that is the thing that is very sad

I bet in year one she never had a big row and said I don’t want to do this, I don’t like doing this, they’re not my kids

i bet she said awww let me look at some ideas for the kids

and he thought how lovely she’s really taking an interest in my kids

i would take your point if you were not ignoring that fact she said it’s because they aren’t her kids. I just think that’s taking it out on them

And yes to the pp who said she could have done it in the time she’d spent on this thread 🤣🤣

tell you what I’ll do a list for those kids and send it over to you shall I?

how old are they

(no I’m not their mother incase anyone was wondering 😆)

I did this with my brother a few years ago. As the eldest I'd always sorted presents for him and just sort of carried on way too long. One year I warned him that I wouldn't be doing it anymore, and that he had to do it for himself. He did, to be fair, and it's been fine ever since.

Definitely make it crystal clear to your DP that you have enough to think about and that you won't be reminding or nagging this year. Make him repeat it back to you. And also tell him that if he doesn't sort it, you won't be rushing round with him on Christmas Eve.

I don’t buy for my SS anymore and I don’t have any guilt in not doing so. In having shared children with my DH I have taken on a lot more in terms of the mental load and childcare. Pre-kids I had less to occupy my energy. Now I have plenty and I’m constantly spinning plates. If I can let DH have a plate then I will - he should accept that I have more on my plate and help alleviate that. Not sit back and watch it pile up.

Sure maybe I could buy the presents, but then DH would have to pick up another area from me to redress that. Personally, I’d rather sort my own children who I know what they’ll like than scratch my head like I have had to for SS previously.

I used to take my nieces out all the time pre kids, now I don’t and can’t do much. My SIL isn’t offended, I’m sure she understands. Same principle. It’s nobody else’s job to patent your kids.

and baring in mind this will likely set a precedent going forwards.

I'm not ignoring it. I don't find it sad.

I have similarly said I don't want to do my in laws anymore because they are his family and I feel he should be doing more for his family rather than me doing mine AND his. Note that it isn't sad that he never devoted any energy to thinking of presents for MY family. The same is true of the kids. It doesn't suddenly become unreasonable for him to do half of the work when she used to do it all because it happens to relate to kids.

Some couples might do all the presents for everyone together, and some take more of a divide and conquer approach. "You do X and I'll do Y". When your partner drags their feet and doesn't get that involved, the latter approach is often the only way to not end up doing it all.

And why is it only sad that she doesn't to do it for his kids, but not sad he's not bothering with their joint child? If she sorted their joint DC out, and he sorted his other kids out, he would still be getting a favour from her in not having to bother with their joint child. He's certainly not hard done by and she's not the one doing something "sad".

Yes peppermint she might come back and ask me to do it every year that’s ok I’ll suck it up as it’s giving my time to make kids happy 😆

on a side note it seems you reached a happy compromise - that’s different again from the scenario mentioned here

and I like your spinning plates analogy but that was not the place she was coming from

"We now have a DC and I'm back at work. Frankly I do not have the brain capacity to keep reminding him."

Yes it very much was the place she was coming from,

Sofa

see peppermint’s approach - I think similar to yours

ops approach is different

you can’t compare in-laws and step kids

i stand by everything I’ve said

she was happy to do it . It’s not a big deal, won’t take long but now she isn’t ‘BECAUSE THEY ARENT MY KIDS’

but clearly if they were her kids she wouldn’t even make this post

its the tone towards step children I’m challenging not sharing chores

you don’t get what I’m trying to say and that is fine

The capacity to remind him?

xmas is such an exciting time - that what parents do talk, plan, spend

so yes she does have the time to say ‘oh remover such and such’

takes a minute

so she resents a minute?

great

Remember such and such

lots of typos

Remind him or manage him? She might prompt him, but once she’s done that, she should be able to step away and leave it at that. If she’s then reminding him again and ensuring he’s actually acted on her prompt, she’s effectively managing him and then she’s not really alleviated herself of any of the burden. She’s just changed the nature of the task.

if you choose not to do it make sure you send him to the shop to sort not you go ffs

you can’t compare in-laws and step kids

My nieces aren’t my in-laws. Their mother is. TBH i view nieces and nephews similarly to step
children. I’ve always based my relationship on that model.

So it's just Christmas stocking he's useless at?
He goes out in time and gets them a brilliant main Christmas gift? He buys them their birthday gifts and they are great? He does his share of school stuff without being prompted? Packed lunches or dinner money, knows when they take their pe kit in to school. Organises appointments for the kids, eg dentist, hairdresser etc if they happen to be with him those days and he knows when they are due so he can take care of them if necessary, and so on and so forth -he's on top of all of that stuff and the one bit he is useless at is a Christmas stocking?

That's such a weird blind spot for him to have don't you think?

I would simply say to him that you don't have the headspace to do it.
That he has a choice, to step up and grind his brain into gear or you are going to set aside say 10 hrs for solo shopping in the next few weeks and a 2 hr spa trip/girls night out as a reward and he is going to look after all his kids, feed them etc and keep the house in some semblance of order while you get it done.

People are good at different things. I'm sure you have plenty of other things on a mental list for him. Just make the trade off plain to him and be clear that just because you have some imagination in this area doesn't make it any easier

I’d just join up and do it all together, not sure how complicated it needs to be. Sit down together for 20 mins, have a conversation about ideas, write lists for all 3, off both of you go to get your bits. If he doesn’t do his then it’s tough really.

I haven't seen how old they are but Wicked Uncle is a good website for older kids but also has a lot of stuff that appeals to Dads so maybe just point him at that.

That’s great peppermint for you

but I’m responding to something different

is it not ok to help each other out in relationships, work to your strengths etc

if the op strength is coming up with great stockings then why not continue that

initially she said she was v busy but later admitted they weren’t her kids so why should she

that is the issue for me and I’m not saying it again

I’m off to shower and do the housework!

thankfully I’ve done most of my Xmas shopping but do still have the dreaded stocking fillers to buy! And the Xmas Eve box to fill!

additional expenses sigh………..

Buy the gifts on his account or with his card. Then it's done, you can relax and your DC and DSC are guaranteed their gifts.

I get what you're saying I just think you're wrong. It doesn't suddenly become unreasonable to have reasonable expectations of your partner because it happens to be about step kids, that would be a very slippery slope. And yes I can compare them to in laws. On the opposite side of the spectrum I can so compare it to your own biological kids, because who it is is besides the point. It's about doing your fair share. It could have been her own joint kids and she could have decided she was sick of doing it all and he needed to step up and split the work. The answer would be the same.

The fact that they are not her kids is really just a bonus reason. Because controversial as you may find it, they ARE primarily his responsibility and this is why he should have been taking the lead in buying their presents from the start.

And it isn't "just a minute of her day". It's the burden of continuously worrying that they won't get anything, of having to purposefully keep it on her mind enough to repeatedly remind him. It is a mental drain when she already has a lot on her plate.

Just leave him to sort out his kids. Dh sorts out his kids because he is their father and knows them far better than I do.

if the op strength is coming up with great stockings then why not continue that

Because despite being good at it, she's not enjoying it and it's a source of stress to her. I'm better at doing all the housework, does that make it ok for my DP to say to me "why not just play to your strengths and do it all"? Sometimes we have to do our fair share even if the other person is better at it.

Christmas is the same day every year. He knows he has children. Leaving it till the last minute then just grabbing whatever he can get from the supermarket is rubbish and lazy and selfish. I’d be telling him he needs to make an effort for his children. It’s lovely of you to have made the effort, and so kind of you to think of how they’ll feel, but he’s their father. It is his responsibility. Picking up some rubbish in Tesco whether they’ll like it or not because it’s two days before Christmas is selfish and lazy, it’s making no effort for his children.

This would just be unlikely to happen. Very few women would be sitting around not bothering for their kids’ Christmas and relying on their new partner to chivvy them along to plan and get the gifts. It’s like the posts on stepparents of people talking about their partner ‘not managing’ his children or finding them ‘hard’ and so the new partner having to step up. In reality this just doesn’t happen with mums.

In the same vein I’ve never heard of a man agonising over what to get his mil since his partner won’t do it otherwise.