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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSDs driving me crackers - baby on the way

84 replies

thelastoftheherriots · 16/11/2022 11:20

I'm having two main problems with my DSDs (7 and 12) which have been ongoing for a couple of years now, and am at the end of my tether. Looking for advice and pearls of wisdom on how to deal with them.

One is the mess they leave. They leave a trail of destruction behind them (probably like a lot of kids) and their bedrooms a state. I've tried the "lets tackle it together" approach, I've tried bribery, sticker charts and telling off. I've had A Big Talk with them. I've asked my DP to get on board with telling them to tidy up after themselves but with no progress, and I think it's unlikely this will change. I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm bending down multiple times a day to pick up other people's crap and am sick of it now, I'm not getting chance to do my studying or work that I should be doing and I'm certainly not going to have time once baby arrives. Up to now, I've felt disrespectful to our cleaner to leave it a mess, so I have been going in and tidying and she's been cleaning it. So from the kids point of view, they leave their rooms a tip and then turn up next time with them reset to perfection. I don't think it's doing them or anyone any favours.

My thoughts now is that I need to shut the doors and leave them to wallow in their own muck, only opening them to chuck stuff inside that's been left in communal areas. And ask the cleaner to do the same and forget that those two rooms exist. I think my DP will only get on board if I let things get bad, as from his perspective, he doesn't have to deal with the consequences and I sort it all out so it's not a problem. I pay for their Netflix so I could also cancel that and tell them it's because they're clearly watching too much and not getting time to keep things tidy.

Does this sound reasonable? Any other ideas?

The second issue is the bickering between them. I know sisters argue, but it's off the scales, as in, they're left alone for 5 minutes and there's screaming, crying, hitting. The older one physically hurts the younger one, which I hate to see. My DP deals with it in a very inconsistent way, sometimes properly (sending to rooms, having talks with them) and then other times not at all. They don't really have any consequences. If they were my children, I would be confiscating older DSDs phone, cancelling nice events etc but I don't feel I have the authority to do this. Again, I feel like I've tried everything and don't know where to go with it. It's at the point where I don't want to be around when they are, and make excuses not to be here which is a shame as we do have a good relationship (or used to, but this is affecting it now). I used to do a lot with them but don't anymore and have stepped right back, and refused to go on holiday with them this year as they ruined the last one we went on with the constant arguing, but it isn't really how I want it to be. I want us to be a family, but it's going to end up as two separate entities (me and baby, my DP and his kids) if things continue as they are.

I know a lot of this is a DP problem for not tackling it, but honestly I think he's a bit out of his depth with two headstrong daughters, the practical side of parenting is just not his strength and I'm fairly committed now and not in a position (practically or mentally) to leave. He does have many, many good points, this really being the only sticking point. There are a lot of things keeping me here. I'm not prepared just yet to remove my baby from the lovely life she will have, and the nice family she will have if we can sort out these problems so LTB isn't really an option for me at the moment - not until I've exhausted other options. Any success stories/ideas of tackling these problems or making life more tolerable welcome as I'm stressed out to hell and exhausted before baby even gets here and I don't want my maternity leave or time with my child ruined by this.

OP posts:
theremustonlybeone · 16/11/2022 11:30

You and your DP need to have a conversation in preparation for the arrival of another DC. As the new arrival will likely lead to different challenges.

He sounds like a lazy parent and if he doesn't set clear boundaries for his DC it will lead to them not being clear around expectations. So he needs to step up- both of you agree the approach and ensure there is consistency. It needs to happen before baby arrives as if it changes following that they will think they are being pushed out.

Good luck with it all

Slanty · 16/11/2022 11:35

I’m wondering why you’d choose to have a baby with this man when you can clearly see he’s a lazy and ineffective parent.

He’s not going to get magically better on his third.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 16/11/2022 11:40

Slanty · 16/11/2022 11:35

I’m wondering why you’d choose to have a baby with this man when you can clearly see he’s a lazy and ineffective parent.

He’s not going to get magically better on his third.

Thank you, that's helpful - I'll put her up for adoption.

OP posts:
XJerseyGirlX · 16/11/2022 11:45

He sounds lazy, I would leave them to it and tell your dh to go up once a week and clean up their rooms with them if they can't manage to do it themselves.

The arguing , I have no idea tbh sorry

PeekAtYou · 16/11/2022 11:50

You've answered your own question. Your DP is the problem (he's an ineffective parent who struggles with parenting) but it's not so bad that you want to leave.
Cleaning up would drive me crazy too but if you're not going to leave or choose a father for your child that at least tries to parent then there aren't any choices really. They are no magic words that will make your dp and his girls change their behaviour.

Stag82 · 16/11/2022 11:51

DPs problem so get him to sort. I’d ask them to clear communal spaces and get DP to supervise. Set standards of setting, clearing tables etc abd DP to supervise.

Stop making excuses for him, I’m sure he can manage! The arguing is also for him to sort.

ArcticSkewer · 16/11/2022 11:52

What's the background? Do they live full time with you? Where's their mum in all this? Are they the same at hers, for example?

You really need a big conversation with your dh about your role, his role, your joint role in parenting. He isn't stepping up but you don't feel it's your place, so instead there is a void. You simply cannot resolve that by yourself.

They are probably also feeling insecure about the new baby so that won't be helping either.

I'd wonder about family counselling or joint counselling if he isn't up for talking and there's a history of trauma (just a guess as you don't mention the mum in this). If you are already refusing to go on holidays and saying you won't leave yet then things must be bad - beyond squabbles and untidy bedrooms

Suprima · 16/11/2022 11:54

Unfortunately you’ll just have expect for your ‘lovely life’ to include you trying to cajole two girls into behaving because their dad doesn’t give a shit and is happy
to watch you be burnt out by his DC.

The solution is that your boyfriend steps up. You’re 8 months pregnant and he doesn’t care that you are struggling and is leaving you to parent his children.

I know you don’t want to ‘LTB’ but he and his lazy, inconsistent parenting is the cause of your struggles.

You need to stop martyring yourself, opt out parenting these two children, rest, retire to your room and look after yourself. If they fight- call him. you can’t deal with it. Do this first and see where the land lies. What would he do?

ICanHideButICantRun · 16/11/2022 11:55

How much time do they spend with you? Could your partner insist that they don't leave your house to go back to their mum's without making sure everything is tidy?

Arucanafeather · 16/11/2022 11:56

ArcticSkewer · 16/11/2022 11:52

What's the background? Do they live full time with you? Where's their mum in all this? Are they the same at hers, for example?

You really need a big conversation with your dh about your role, his role, your joint role in parenting. He isn't stepping up but you don't feel it's your place, so instead there is a void. You simply cannot resolve that by yourself.

They are probably also feeling insecure about the new baby so that won't be helping either.

I'd wonder about family counselling or joint counselling if he isn't up for talking and there's a history of trauma (just a guess as you don't mention the mum in this). If you are already refusing to go on holidays and saying you won't leave yet then things must be bad - beyond squabbles and untidy bedrooms

I agree. I think these kids have emotions and feelings that they need help with. You’re not going to able to do this. Family therapy would be what I would be considering in your circumstances.

LinesAndDot · 16/11/2022 11:57

I would sit down with DP and say simply (not on and on), firstly, summarise the two problems (as you did above), secondly, what you have been doing so far that isn’t working and that you are going to stop, thirdly that you are worried this will be detrimental to their upbringing, that your DH is letting them down as he is not being a ‘parent’ but a friend. He is not teaching them how to deal with conflict or simple responsibilities like cleanliness. If a parent doesn’t teach the child - how will they know? Who does DH expect to teach them? Does he want his daughters thinking this is normal and being messy at uni or unable to deal with conflict with partners etc in future? Fourthly, I would praise him to the skies for the times he has dealt with it well (give examples), and make lots of encouraging remarks about that. Then I’d say what with the new baby coming, your DH really has to step up, be proactive and manage his daughters as you will be busy with the baby. That you know he loves his daughters and he really needs to spend time with just them once the baby is born so they know they are still special to the family and part of that is boundaries, parenting and discipline.

Then I would take a step back. As you say - don’t tidy their rooms. Tell the cleaner to only clean if it is tidy. Then I would watch from afar, praising DH if he did some parenting, and looking sorrowful (oh the children! Who will teach them if their own parent doesn’t?!?), if he didn’t.

You can only do so much. You can’t care more than their own parents do about them/it.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 16/11/2022 11:59

Stag82 · 16/11/2022 11:51

DPs problem so get him to sort. I’d ask them to clear communal spaces and get DP to supervise. Set standards of setting, clearing tables etc abd DP to supervise.

Stop making excuses for him, I’m sure he can manage! The arguing is also for him to sort.

Yes the communal spaces bother me more than anything - if I could at least confine it to their bedrooms then it's not my problem.

He does get them to do certain things like set the table, empty the dishwasher etc it's just the trail of mess and the bedrooms that are a sticking point. The younger one is a lot more enthusiastic about helping out than the older one, but obviously due to her age needs a fair bit of guidance.

OP posts:
brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 12:04

I pick up all their mess in the shared spaces and dump it on their bed. They soon get the hang of it

Petronus · 16/11/2022 12:04

Family therapy is a great idea, because you’ve got two young girls shared between homes with an inaffective father and a half sibling on the way. Your dp doesn’t get to be ‘a bit out of his depth’ he needs to step up and learn to swim, kids need boundaries and certainty, not someone who reacts differently to behaviour on different days. You don’t want to leave now, but honestly a new baby will stretch you to breaking point and his good points will become harder and harder to hold on to.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 12:05

The bedrooms is simple. Tell the cleaner not to clean them. Shut the door on the room and forget its existence. They are clearly happy living like that so let them

Petronus · 16/11/2022 12:06

LinesAndDot · 16/11/2022 11:57

I would sit down with DP and say simply (not on and on), firstly, summarise the two problems (as you did above), secondly, what you have been doing so far that isn’t working and that you are going to stop, thirdly that you are worried this will be detrimental to their upbringing, that your DH is letting them down as he is not being a ‘parent’ but a friend. He is not teaching them how to deal with conflict or simple responsibilities like cleanliness. If a parent doesn’t teach the child - how will they know? Who does DH expect to teach them? Does he want his daughters thinking this is normal and being messy at uni or unable to deal with conflict with partners etc in future? Fourthly, I would praise him to the skies for the times he has dealt with it well (give examples), and make lots of encouraging remarks about that. Then I’d say what with the new baby coming, your DH really has to step up, be proactive and manage his daughters as you will be busy with the baby. That you know he loves his daughters and he really needs to spend time with just them once the baby is born so they know they are still special to the family and part of that is boundaries, parenting and discipline.

Then I would take a step back. As you say - don’t tidy their rooms. Tell the cleaner to only clean if it is tidy. Then I would watch from afar, praising DH if he did some parenting, and looking sorrowful (oh the children! Who will teach them if their own parent doesn’t?!?), if he didn’t.

You can only do so much. You can’t care more than their own parents do about them/it.

This is so depressing that he might need ‘praising to the skies’ like a child rather than a responsible adult who steps up because it’s the right thing.

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 12:07

Or let them have a friend sleep over if it's tidy?

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 12:08

Petronus · 16/11/2022 12:06

This is so depressing that he might need ‘praising to the skies’ like a child rather than a responsible adult who steps up because it’s the right thing.

Show quote history

Yes I mean if he doesn't care OP why should you? Not your circus.

UsernamePain · 16/11/2022 12:09

I have this with my stepdaughter and my daughter (similar age)
I leave their rooms now- if they are happy to make a mess they can be happy to use it as they leave it. Clothes are only washed if they put them in the washing basket.
mess around the house is harder. I used to get annoyed/ upset and shout when nothing was tidied away. I now ask once, and give them a timescale to complete. If not done I change the WiFi password. I’ve only needed to do it twice. Some may say extreme, but it’s there is no longer any arguing, bad feeling etc, they know when I ask for their mess to be tidied away that it needs doing, no messing

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 16/11/2022 12:10

Suprima · 16/11/2022 11:54

Unfortunately you’ll just have expect for your ‘lovely life’ to include you trying to cajole two girls into behaving because their dad doesn’t give a shit and is happy
to watch you be burnt out by his DC.

The solution is that your boyfriend steps up. You’re 8 months pregnant and he doesn’t care that you are struggling and is leaving you to parent his children.

I know you don’t want to ‘LTB’ but he and his lazy, inconsistent parenting is the cause of your struggles.

You need to stop martyring yourself, opt out parenting these two children, rest, retire to your room and look after yourself. If they fight- call him. you can’t deal with it. Do this first and see where the land lies. What would he do?

Yes you're right. I have already stepped back a lot and tend to remove myself when the girls are kicking off and he's not addressing it. I need to un-involve myself and have been doing the last few months. It's just not how I wanted it to be and I can't see it being good long-term for any of our relationships.

I think part of the problem is that my DP went from living with his ex wife, to living with his mum when they broke up, and to us living together not too long after. He's never not had someone to swoop in to save the day, and I naively went in trying to be as helpful as possible and have probably built a rod for my own back.

The girls have never been unwelcoming towards me, quite the opposite in fact, my involvement was led by them and they seem to deperately want the nurturing/looking after and routine I provide because, quite honestly, they don't get it from either of their parents. They've been raised with very different values to me, regularly witness their mum kicking off and it leading to her getting her own way so are likely mirroring that behavior, and witnessing my DP leaving the wifework to me, and also think that is ok.

It's just a shame as the timing of me stepping back is going to coincide with the new baby, and they're going to think that is the cause.

OP posts:
Chimna · 16/11/2022 12:13

Why do you justify an adults behaviour as well he's just lazy and abit shit but expect children to step up? Your partner needs to grow up and take responsibility.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 16/11/2022 12:15

brighterthanthemoon · 16/11/2022 12:04

I pick up all their mess in the shared spaces and dump it on their bed. They soon get the hang of it

Yeah this is the plan. If they have to move a load of crap every time they want to get in bed it's going to get old quick.

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 16/11/2022 12:17

We used to make DSD tidy up her room before she went back to her mums and now she’s a teen I just shut the door on it; part of her allowance is hoovering her room once a week so if she doesn’t then she doesn’t get her allowance and that’s normally when she tidies it.
The arguing is harder; any idea how their mum deals with it? Really it’s consistency and consequences but also maybe trying to develop their relationship and perhaps also some separate time with their dad and you

Squeezedsquash · 16/11/2022 12:22

Does your DP do his fair share of housework too? Or are the DSDs watching you do everything for everyone?

itmustbemyage · 16/11/2022 12:25

It sounds like your DP has never done any actual parenting? I presume he left his ex to do the parenting while they were together, could it be part of the reason that they split up? Then he had his mum and now he’s got you.
If he can’t parent now when they are this age god help him when he has to deal with stroppy teenagers. He needs to shape up and learn otherwise you’ll be doing all the parenting for them and your new baby.
You know every time a mum posts on MN about her useless partner and posters rush in to say LTB and say something along the lines of well at least he’ll have to parent the children EOW or whenever, I think no he won’t he’ll still be useless he’ll just look round for the nearest woman to do his parenting for him.