I'm having two main problems with my DSDs (7 and 12) which have been ongoing for a couple of years now, and am at the end of my tether. Looking for advice and pearls of wisdom on how to deal with them.
One is the mess they leave. They leave a trail of destruction behind them (probably like a lot of kids) and their bedrooms a state. I've tried the "lets tackle it together" approach, I've tried bribery, sticker charts and telling off. I've had A Big Talk with them. I've asked my DP to get on board with telling them to tidy up after themselves but with no progress, and I think it's unlikely this will change. I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm bending down multiple times a day to pick up other people's crap and am sick of it now, I'm not getting chance to do my studying or work that I should be doing and I'm certainly not going to have time once baby arrives. Up to now, I've felt disrespectful to our cleaner to leave it a mess, so I have been going in and tidying and she's been cleaning it. So from the kids point of view, they leave their rooms a tip and then turn up next time with them reset to perfection. I don't think it's doing them or anyone any favours.
My thoughts now is that I need to shut the doors and leave them to wallow in their own muck, only opening them to chuck stuff inside that's been left in communal areas. And ask the cleaner to do the same and forget that those two rooms exist. I think my DP will only get on board if I let things get bad, as from his perspective, he doesn't have to deal with the consequences and I sort it all out so it's not a problem. I pay for their Netflix so I could also cancel that and tell them it's because they're clearly watching too much and not getting time to keep things tidy.
Does this sound reasonable? Any other ideas?
The second issue is the bickering between them. I know sisters argue, but it's off the scales, as in, they're left alone for 5 minutes and there's screaming, crying, hitting. The older one physically hurts the younger one, which I hate to see. My DP deals with it in a very inconsistent way, sometimes properly (sending to rooms, having talks with them) and then other times not at all. They don't really have any consequences. If they were my children, I would be confiscating older DSDs phone, cancelling nice events etc but I don't feel I have the authority to do this. Again, I feel like I've tried everything and don't know where to go with it. It's at the point where I don't want to be around when they are, and make excuses not to be here which is a shame as we do have a good relationship (or used to, but this is affecting it now). I used to do a lot with them but don't anymore and have stepped right back, and refused to go on holiday with them this year as they ruined the last one we went on with the constant arguing, but it isn't really how I want it to be. I want us to be a family, but it's going to end up as two separate entities (me and baby, my DP and his kids) if things continue as they are.
I know a lot of this is a DP problem for not tackling it, but honestly I think he's a bit out of his depth with two headstrong daughters, the practical side of parenting is just not his strength and I'm fairly committed now and not in a position (practically or mentally) to leave. He does have many, many good points, this really being the only sticking point. There are a lot of things keeping me here. I'm not prepared just yet to remove my baby from the lovely life she will have, and the nice family she will have if we can sort out these problems so LTB isn't really an option for me at the moment - not until I've exhausted other options. Any success stories/ideas of tackling these problems or making life more tolerable welcome as I'm stressed out to hell and exhausted before baby even gets here and I don't want my maternity leave or time with my child ruined by this.