DSDs driving me crackers - baby on the way

[thelastoftheherriots]

I'm having two main problems with my DSDs (7 and 12) which have been ongoing for a couple of years now, and am at the end of my tether. Looking for advice and pearls of wisdom on how to deal with them.

One is the mess they leave. They leave a trail of destruction behind them (probably like a lot of kids) and their bedrooms a state. I've tried the "lets tackle it together" approach, I've tried bribery, sticker charts and telling off. I've had A Big Talk with them. I've asked my DP to get on board with telling them to tidy up after themselves but with no progress, and I think it's unlikely this will change. I'm 8 months pregnant and I'm bending down multiple times a day to pick up other people's crap and am sick of it now, I'm not getting chance to do my studying or work that I should be doing and I'm certainly not going to have time once baby arrives. Up to now, I've felt disrespectful to our cleaner to leave it a mess, so I have been going in and tidying and she's been cleaning it. So from the kids point of view, they leave their rooms a tip and then turn up next time with them reset to perfection. I don't think it's doing them or anyone any favours.

My thoughts now is that I need to shut the doors and leave them to wallow in their own muck, only opening them to chuck stuff inside that's been left in communal areas. And ask the cleaner to do the same and forget that those two rooms exist. I think my DP will only get on board if I let things get bad, as from his perspective, he doesn't have to deal with the consequences and I sort it all out so it's not a problem. I pay for their Netflix so I could also cancel that and tell them it's because they're clearly watching too much and not getting time to keep things tidy.

Does this sound reasonable? Any other ideas?

The second issue is the bickering between them. I know sisters argue, but it's off the scales, as in, they're left alone for 5 minutes and there's screaming, crying, hitting. The older one physically hurts the younger one, which I hate to see. My DP deals with it in a very inconsistent way, sometimes properly (sending to rooms, having talks with them) and then other times not at all. They don't really have any consequences. If they were my children, I would be confiscating older DSDs phone, cancelling nice events etc but I don't feel I have the authority to do this. Again, I feel like I've tried everything and don't know where to go with it. It's at the point where I don't want to be around when they are, and make excuses not to be here which is a shame as we do have a good relationship (or used to, but this is affecting it now). I used to do a lot with them but don't anymore and have stepped right back, and refused to go on holiday with them this year as they ruined the last one we went on with the constant arguing, but it isn't really how I want it to be. I want us to be a family, but it's going to end up as two separate entities (me and baby, my DP and his kids) if things continue as they are.

I know a lot of this is a DP problem for not tackling it, but honestly I think he's a bit out of his depth with two headstrong daughters, the practical side of parenting is just not his strength and I'm fairly committed now and not in a position (practically or mentally) to leave. He does have many, many good points, this really being the only sticking point. There are a lot of things keeping me here. I'm not prepared just yet to remove my baby from the lovely life she will have, and the nice family she will have if we can sort out these problems so LTB isn't really an option for me at the moment - not until I've exhausted other options. Any success stories/ideas of tackling these problems or making life more tolerable welcome as I'm stressed out to hell and exhausted before baby even gets here and I don't want my maternity leave or time with my child ruined by this.

I need to shut the doors and leave them to wallow in their own muck, only opening them to chuck stuff inside that's been left in communal

Yes, absolutely do this. Get 2 baskets, put them in the garage or in a cupboard or something, anything they leave lying around goes in there. Don't stress about it, don't mention the mess, don't tidy anything up. They will eventually work out that it's nicer and easier to have a tidy room.

The 12 year old at least is surely old enough to see a heavily pregnant woman tidying up her shit and know that it isn't right - she's not far off as tall as I am! It's pure laziness and selfishness.

Is your partner 12 or older?

This. You're expecting more from kids than you are from your h!! He needs to step up massively and stop being so wet and ineffective.

👏👏👏 Great post.

^THIS.

Your problem is your DP, not your DSDs.

Not a step parent currently (am a step child, was a step parent), but my DDs are 16 and 7.

DD1 knows that if her bedroom isn’t tidy, the cleaner ain’t cleaning it. She knows if her laundry isn’t in the bathroom laundry baskets, I ain’t washing it. I made it a HER problem, and as soon as it inconvenienced her rather than me, it resolved itself pretty fast.

DD2 is a chaos monster with her toys, so she has labelled Trofast, and whilst her bath is running, we put them away together.

“Lazy father doesn’t suddenly step up because another child is on the way” is such a common theme and I’m so tired of these bad decisions/martyring/posters then making snarky comments about adoption/abortion - you made a shit decision, now you’ve got to live with it.

You could at least aim your negative feelings at the correct person - their father.

Yup.

And you’re having a girl too? How do you imagine he’s going to cope with 3 daughters? Just never bother to get involved in case he can’t cope?

You’ve been very optimistic expecting anything to change while adding to your own workload and knowing what he’s like - you don’t just know, you seem almost amused by his failings.

I’m a step mum and a mum, I always try to support step mums on here as they get a ridiculous kicking a lot of the time.

But we have to help ourselves and the path you’ve chosen guarantees a life of conflict and an unfair share of the work of family life. You’ve gone into this with your eyes wide open and your excuses for him at the ready.

Best of luck. I expect you’ll need it.

Good god… imagine being pregnant by someone and describing them as ‘not much of a practical parent’

Did you think that before having unprotected sex with him or has being pregnant made you realise how he has always been?

How often these same threads come around makes me despair and it’s always the same ‘how i can I make them step up?’ ‘You can’t!’

‘ok so how can I bend over backwards to accommodate everyone for the sake of a quiet life?’

Quite.

At some point in the last year, you looked at this man and thought “this is the man I want to father my children”. Surely you saw some good points in him at that stage?

I totally agree you need to speak to your DP about getting his girls to tidy up. He needs to be the one stepping up.

I have to ask as it's come up more than once here. What's your big issue with his eldest daughter? You seem to complain about her more than the youngest. She a pre-teen remember that.

Plus all these issues seriously needs to be sorted by the time your baby comes.

Even my DC the same with the mess in his bedroom.

Do they argue like this at mum's house?

It does sound excessive tbh. You could use Netflix as you suggested.

As far as their mess, I'd chuck it in their rooms and let them see it messy. Right now it's like the fairy godmother comes and cleans up magically.

I wouldn't say you DH is ineffective. Argumentative siblings are hard to deal with. Parenting isn't always easy.

Better consequences might help the behaviour improve.

Oh gosh I feel you.I let them make the mess. It's their house and I want them to feel that way.
We have one rule, put away one toy before the next comes out and it does help.
I get DH (sounds like I'm babying him) to put away after them when they leave. Otherwise it goes on the stairs and it drives him crackers.

We are having same problem with behaving. It's so so so unpleasant and I don't know if hitting and hurting each other is normal or acceptable? My siblings and I didn't...we also have a new baby (congrats by the way).

Anyway, DH in a hard place as he doesn't want to be too hard on them. His relationship with exW is bad enough and the children do play them off. So, I've had to remove myself a little. Their grandma comes on the evening I typically spend most time with them (when DH is on way home from work) and she just takes control. It was a solution for us because witnessing them behaving the way they do, and it not being my place to do anything made me so upset.

Think long and hard about how it's making you feel and be honest with your DH. Ignore the MN who say really pointless things like 'sounds like a shit father', they are typically exWs or have no clue what it is to be in love with someone in this position. Iron it out before baby gets their and whilst they are young.
Let go of any fantasy's about being a family unit. Relax. Be selfish. And surprisingly it will get better.

Whose house is it?
Yours or his or do you co-own it?

First of all you haven't got a problem that is specific to stepchildren.

This is a universal problem. Kids are messy and siblings fight. Who knew eh?

When you're an actual parent you develop more tolerance for this kind of stuff. Plus as a stepparent, you resent cleaning up after other people's kids whereas if it were your own DCs you wouldn't mind as much. Your DP probably isn't a shit parent, he just has a thicker skin than you and likes to pick his battles.

I 100% guarantee that when your own DCs hit this age and are bickering, fighting, not listening and generally being untidy little fuckers, it will not bother you with the same intensity. And all this about taking phones off the elder and dishing out stricter punishments you will not do either because you have to pick your battles. You save the phone confiscation for big misdemeanours not spats otherwise it all becomes ineffective and you end up constantly punishing.

In your shoes, I would use a carrot approach rather than a stick with the rooms and offer pocket money for clean rooms. Regarding fights, I would remove money for hitting but ignore spats or arguments between the siblings.

Or just leave the rooms. I go into my DCs rooms every so often to have a scout for dirty clothes and pots; the rest gets left. They often have friends round so they clean up themselves periodically as presumably they don't want their friends thinking they are minging. It's not to my standards but I don't have to sleep there.

I ask our cleaner not to clean bedrooms if they haven't been tidied so that one thing you can do.

You could have a family meeting where everyone put their gripes on paper in a box before hand and everyone takes turns to read one out and you all work for a solution together. One of the adults takes notes. If it doesn't work it'll end up in the box next time too. And again and again.

We started these meetings with something positive about each person.

This really helped our family. My DH wasn't very good at it unfortunately but the kids loved being heard. And things did improve.

You wouldn’t say he’s ineffective? His own wife says he isn’t good at practical parenting. He refuses to tidy after his children and makes his pregnant wife do it. He allows his 12 year old to physically attack his 7 year old. What part of his parenting do you think is effective?

Where is the baby going to sleep?

Totally agree with SomePosters ... there are so many threads like this .. I wonder if people come on to Mumsnet as a first time poster and have never read through the boards, specifically the SP boards, and don't think about these issues. It is just so obvious surely that a 'useless' dad isn't going to change overnight just because he fathers yet another baby.

@Kanaloa

I just think pp exaggerated his abilities. Not being good, is not necessarily ineffective. She said he gets it right sometimes with the discipline, so he needs to do better, but ineffective is a bit harsh....especially when the OP had said very clearly that she bit leaving him.

He doesn't make the OP pick up after his kids, she chooses to do it. She doesn't have to. And could divert to him...or get the kids to do it.

He doesn't did they're and watch his older DD attack her sister.....he definitely needs to do a better job than he doing...I didn't say he was father of the year.

Just my opinion.

Think long and hard about how it's making you feel and be honest with your DH. Ignore the MN who say really pointless things like 'sounds like a shit father', they are typically exWs or have no clue what it is to be in love with someone in this position.

That's some sweeping statement! Most people are saying the same thing: why did you decide to have a baby with a man who's an ineffective parent to his existing Dc?

Sigh. These crap fathers always manage to find another skivvy so they don't have to care for their own children or cook their own meals.

They're fine with the promise of another baby as they know they're not going to lift a finger.

You see it over and over on here.

Practical family problem not emotional or relationship problem

Routines and rules, written down by each child for themselves in a family meeting with DP leading

Outcome suggestions
Every night before bed return any glasses etc to kitchen or none will be allowed for a week

Last night at yours/every Sunday night pick up all washing and put in laundry bin, pick up all rubbish and put in correct bin before bed or clothes won’t be washed

Last morning at yours/every Monday morning pick up anything on floor and return to proper place before breakfast

Leaving yours for school/changeover anything staying in hall put on shoe rack or coat rack

Shared rooms rules throughout:

Anything left on floor risks being hovered up
Anything used in a shared room leave in a tidy pile/assigned tidy space at bedtime (I don’t think they should be erased from shared rooms when away) we have an ikea box storage unit and everyone has their own boxes to stick stuff including me

Same routines for baby as she arrives and grows

Some women obviously think this time it will be different.

Would you find a mother who didn’t support her children to tidy any of their things, making her partner do this, and frequently allowed a preteen to physically attack a 7 year old, an effective mother? Really?

He’s ineffective. And obviously op isn’t happy with it, but rather than deal with the parent (who she is married to) it’s the children who are blamed.

Inconsistent discipline is an oxymoron.

Discipline has to be consistent to be effective.

If this man 'sometimes' gets it right it means that overall he gets it wrong.