Inheritance

[BananaFluff]

I have inherited some money - not loads. But I want to save some of it to take my shared DC away on holiday with DH when they are a bit older. The once in a lifetime kind of holiday, maybe Disneyland not decided yet will see what they like when they are older. I don't want to pay for my DSC and I don't want them coming tbh. It would change the vibe DC will be in primary school and they'll be much older teens possibly even in 6th form. Anyway. I mentioned to DH this was my plan and he was like oh can I bring DSC if they want to come and offered to pay. So I have begrudgingly said well start saving and we'll see when the time comes if they want to come but I want it to be the holiday I choose because it's my relatives money I'm spending and your kids are tagging along. So far so good but it got me thinking, he should be paying for half of shared DC too shouldn't he? I'm a bit miffed he didnt even think about that.

Dead beat? When they're paying maintenance and regularly seeing their children? Do you want to elaborate on that?

And silly bimbo's? I think we'd all like an explanation of that, please.

You're really not covering yourself in glory here.

Posters who openly say younger children should be neglected and brand other women (who've done nothing wrong) "silly bimbo's" make me gag.

I despise parents who provide (or not) for their children based on their birth order.
I despise parents who blatantly favour/prioritise one child over another for any reason.
I also despise people who think it's fine for a parent to prioritise one of their own children over another but at the same time get themselves all worked up if a step parent ever priorities their own child over their step child.
I think only people who are stupid bimbos cannot see the hypocrisy in this stance.

We line in a world where women still earn less than men, still become default parent (even to dsc), and still have less opportunities than men. Yet, I constantly see these threads where women with any money are expected to finance other people's children! I an sure OPs earnings go towards a house, bills, food, cars and other necessary things for all family members but she has been gifted some additional money. How she spends it is her choice! In my opinion DP should be paying for half the shared children, why should he only have to fund his first family? It is not OP's responsibility to solely finance shared children because he has other children. Does he expect his ex to solely finance the first family? Why is it different. It is hard because they are children but both sets have 2 parents to support them, why does the first family need additional 'funders'?

Twinsand - that is my issue - it is the wording where the OP really quite clearly does not want these children there - begrudgingly I think has summed up how she feels about the SDCs.
This is my objection and the putting her DP in a no win situation.

You said “start saving and we’ll see by the time comes” - so will you book it before he’s had a chance to save enough to pay for them and say “well sorry, you didn’t manage it so we’re going now without them”?

I personally can see why you’d want to take younger children without older children but the way it’s come across isn’t very kind to your DH or DSC in my opinion.

I have three children, one DS15 I had previously and two DS 4 and 6m with my husband. I’m taking my DS15 away on his own after Christmas and my DH has taken our DS4 to his home country twice on his own. A once in a lifetime trip from an inheritance, we’d all automatically go and if my DH inherited it, he wouldn’t hesitate to include my DS15 even though he’s not his.

I have never replied to a mumsnet post before this one but I felt compelled to. OP, how you arrange the finances in your marriage is up to you, but when I was a child my dad took my half siblings to Disneyworld and not me and honestly I still think about it 20 years on. The way you talk about your dsc doesn’t make it seem like you like them. “I’ve said it’s okay for them to come” is really different from feeling welcome and wanted.

I can see it from your side in wanting to treat your own dc and having that family time but please don’t inadvertently make dsc feel left out.

I think that different people have different financial arrangements within their relationships, and so some people will agree with you, and others will not. Fo me, personally, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who had children, that I didn’t want to include as our own. Nor can I imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to include my children, as our own. But then, I’ve never been in a relationship where we had separate finances either.
I can’t see anywhere when you say how many DCs or DSCs you have, but if I could afford to take the DSCs, I’d just do it, as they would be part of my family. The way that I, and many other posters, have read your comments, it comes across as if you don’t really want them to come, which is sad. “Compromising” and agreeing that they can actually come if they really want to and DH pays for them, sounds reluctant and quite unwelcoming.
If you are truly worried that the dynamics will change, because it’s Disney, I wouldn’t worry about it. Grown adults love Disney as well and at their age, they will be quite content to take off on their own together (I did get the impression that you have more than one DSC) to explore while you concentrate on DC. It could be a great bonding experience, if you go with a positive attitude, rather than feeling “well, it’s not going to be what I wanted”. You are a family.

@Beachloveramy No. That would be cruel. I meant that we have years so if he starts saving now we will discuss it at a later date and book it. As things stand he is capable of saving for it but obviously things change so we'd just see what the situation is. If neither of us can afford it or something happens and we lose our jobs then we'll have to rethink. That is what is meant by that.

So would it have been better of me to say No they aren't coming?

Why don't you and DH set up a new savings account called "disney fund" you both put money in and leave your DC inheritance alone

I think it would be better if you felt like your family included your SC and didn’t view them as ‘other’ when it came to a family holiday. And please don’t say you don’t, because you so obviously do.

It’s not selfish to want a holiday with your own children once in a while. Especially when it will massively change the dynamic.

They don't see me in the same way as they see their parents, I wouldn't want them too. If I started treating them like they were my own children they would freak out. My family does include my stepchildren so there.

I feel like as a stepparent you could ask anything on here and it will get twisted and seen as a reflection of your whole entire relationship. You can't get an idea of someones reality day to day life from a query like this. once again to those who helped and didnt just say "you're mean". I'm definitely out now.

Did you not have these conversations BEFORE you got married and had children?!

in our marriage all income and expenses are shared regardless of value.

“All that I have I give to you”

does it actually matter? Is it effectively money from the same pot that you are being pedantic about? Or do you genuinely run different bank account for your split family? …. great way to create a rift and resentment between (half) siblings.

It's not all that I have I give to your children, is it?

Many people have separate finances and it's got fuck all to do with creating rifts between siblings. Even "together" families sometimes have separate finances but I can't imagine you'd be accusing those parents of creating rifts?

Ever heard of separate finances?

It’s really common.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Quote simply she doesn't want her DSC to go..

Really think you need to reread all your comments. You treat your husbands first children like something on your shoe. Your husband should leave, take his kids with him and find someone that will treat them as part of the family.

@DriftwoodOnTheShore That's not why people think OP is being mean. It's not that her DH will be paying for HIS kids it's because she wants him to also pay half for their SHARED kids while she will just be treating HER kids to the dream holiday. Maybe read the OP comments first.

Basically the holiday is only happening because you got the inheritance and have suggested it and was already going to pay for your children and him. So you stick with that. He doesn’t need to be paying for half an entire trip that’s a great with inheritance. Adding the SC in is then addition to your plan so asking him to pay for them is reasonable, although I’m not sure I could do that myself in full conscience. My children are part of a blended family with their dad. I would hate someone to view my children like this. I haven’t got a new partner since we split but if I was inheriting money and using it to take my kids and my partner away, and my partner had kids I’d be offering for the whole lot. A good chance for the whole blended family to bond.

Going to Disney with teens shouldn’t be an issue. They could be old enough to go off on rides themselves for the day some of the time as suitability might vary. But often these theme parks have lots of rides geared to adults and older teens. Many adults go to Disney without kids. It’s not just a place for little ones.

You can’t use the “it will change the dynamic” excuse when you chose to have a child with someone who already had older children. The age difference was going to catch up with you at some point.