3 weekends in a row

[pastabakeonaplate]

I know, I know, if mum died I'd never get a weekend without them. They are usually here every other weekend and for half the holidays. We've just had half term plus this will be the 3rd weekend in a row they've been here due to jiggling the schedule. I had plans for this weekend but they've fallen through so I realised this and my heart sank a bit. I just need a calm weekend. The whole house changes when they are here and it's exhausting hearing them bicker when I've had a stressful week st work.

It is exhausting..... it's exhausting hearing my own kids bicker, or my nephews bicker or the neighbour's kids..... Can you still pop out during the day? I have a list a jobs that if I had a spare day I would love to tackle - especially in the lead up to holidays. Perhaps you can get some uninterrupted shopping done - or take a walk so you still get your calming time. Or get a voucher for your partner to take the kids to movies/ mini golf/ laser tag/ escape room whatever - so they are out of the house and you get a calm afternoon! (Plus you look generous and lovely). And get wine (or tea) in.

Make new plans! And you’re right, it’s a pointless stupid argument people make. If they were there full time you’d be in a position to better deal with bickering and other challenges, it’s not the same at all.

So true AnneLovesGilbert - also can I just say I often read your posts and take your advice (don't always agree - but I have tried some of your suggestions or different approaches and they have worked! Different perspectives and all that). You have helped me a lot. Thank you.

You're right I need to make more plans. Might risk christmas shopping or something. Just feels me with dread knowing it's going to be another weekend of them falling out with each other.

Sympathies OP. I know the feeling well.
I agree with others - definitely make other plans. You get some peace and they get time with their Dad.
How old are they?

Still go out… book new things!

Tweenager and Teenager. We have a toddler DC too.

Yes I've told DH I'm off Christmas shopping!

I have a lot of this across summer & again in the build up to seasonal festivities when mum finds herself busy. And I absolutely wouldn’t mind except:
she announces to me (never to DH as she knows he’s working nights planned around child access & cant physically be here) that we will be having them ‘bonus’ on x weekend / weeknights & acts like this is a massive special favour she’s doing me, how privileged I am to be looking after the girls; and then, like clockwork come mid September & again in January & settling back into the routine of no more parties she’s getting worked up talking about restricting access & going to court so DP can only see his 3 DDs for one overnight twice a month because she misses them & she is in agony without her girls by her side every moment they aren’t at school, as is her right because she gave birth to them & DH did not carry them in his womb for 9 months so couldn’t possibly understand her pain as a mother. & so forth. It’s a complete switch.
I’m better with it now that I know to expect it, it’s a lot easier too now they’re older & don’t need constant entertaining BUT I’d be a massive liar if I said I didn’t want a weekend to myself sometimes to just watch tv in my pants & not have the constant noise mess arguments & general kid complaints. To not be up at 6am & feels like I’m making food & washing clothes & running around for various hobbies for other people all day to be honest. It does make me really appreciative when we are back in the usual routine & I get the odd Friday or Sunday to myself.
it does make DH happy to have them here, i do like mum very much & would always help out if I can & absolutely don’t think it’s fair for mum not to have a social life, I want to be flexible (though I would like at times for it to be acknowledged as me helping out rather than her graciously allowing me to spend time with the kids AND not to get an enormous amount of shite if we dare ever ask about swapping a night ourselves). I know they won’t be young for ever! I think another 5 years they probably won’t want to come as much as they develop social lives of their own so I make the best of it, but I do have so much sympathy for your situation.

Christmas shopping, make up/clothes /shoes shopping, gym, swimming, take yourself out for a meal, hot chocolate, go to the cinema on your own, catch up with a friend, go for a trip with a toddler. Some ideas for you

How the heck do you still like the mum when she restricts access on a whim?! She sounds like a grade a cunt to spite her own children that way.

It absolutely would be fair for you to say no to her demands given that she treats you all like shit!

Good decision OP.

Maybe pop to the cinema or visit friends/family too!

Might take toddler to visit my mum on Sunday.

I'm glad I'm not alone with this feeling too that helps so thank you.

Oh I just keep myself out the way, I do the obligatory chit chat and breakfast time etc then I’ll be off to do my shopping or chores or gym etc.

It’s not the same as own children as PPs have said as I find SC expect a bit more. It’s “what are we doing today” as if every weekend it’s cinema, lunch out, trampolining etc. They treat it as an event rather than just being at home with us. My kids go to the park and occasionally get a greggs. I don’t take them out every weekend so why should step kids get that?

It also sounds like you pick up a lot of the work with their dad doing nights? If that’s the case then you shouldn’t feel so bad about saying to the mum “sorry I am out that day” - it’s not about the kids, it’s about her changing her position whenever it suits her

If I was married to a man who got fed up about my kids visiting then I’m afraid I’d kick him to the kerb

your acting like they’re an inconvenience or something?!

kids bicker, fight are pains, pests, annoying etc that is life

Happily when they are not your kids you don't have to suffer through the annoying fighting. It's perfectly acceptable to make your own plans 🙂

Hecky peck

i think I’d be concerned if a man made himself scarce just because my children were around

@HeckyPeck i have definitely thought those exact words about her many many times, she can be exhausting, bitchy, dramatic, weirdly competitive when there’s no competition & downright devil woman at times. But. Despite all of this I do recognise how much she loves them & I put these fits down to some mystery undiagnosed mental illness / stress / potential menopause. & of course I suppose I’ll never get her best side when I’m married to her ex boyfriend. I’m making excuses here but if I accepted that actually she’s just a bloody bitch I might just turn into one myself in retaliation & it wouldn’t be great for the girls. She & DH can’t stand each other & it does make me feel bad for the wee things, so I do work very hard to be incredibly nice to & about her for their sakes. I am definitely a bit of an idiot when it comes to this woman!

Definitely not alone OP! And nothing wrong with a little vent !

Can't their father do something about their bickering? They aren't toddlers; they are old enough to have some consideration for others.

I hear you OP! Sometimes it can be really hard and you do need to remove yourself from the situation. Christmas shopping Saturday and going to your mums Sunday sounds perfect. Or get a bottle of wine in makes the bickering not so painful 😂

YANBU OP.

I agree with @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune though. Does he parent them actively? Does he take them out? Maybe even some 1:1 time with each on separate days would calm things down (although not this weekend if it would dent your plans).

@Quitelikeit OP has not said they are 'an inconvenience' or that she is 'fed up with the kids visiting', just that their behaviour is really tiring. No one wants to hear children bickering all the time, but when they are not your own children, you're likely to have far less control over fixing it.

@ChampagneBlossom44 I'm all for flexibility but the ex is taking the mickey. It sounds like you'd be better off having 50:50. And next time she witholds contact your DH should go to court to get her power games closed down once and for all.

@Quitelikeit I would definitely be concerned if my partner objected to me making plans when his kids were around. It's very controlling to get angry about your partner politely removing themselves from a situation they don't feel comfortable in.

I agree with Lilith, I'd be concerned if my partner felt as you do. So we can all make our own dealbreakers and what is a dealbreaker to you may not be to others!

Three weekends in a row would have practically finished me off! EOW was hard enough .....