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Original poster

not letting them take this stuff to their mums

93 replies

hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:38

Kids (shared DC 3 +4 and husband's two eldest 8 + 10) were supposed to go to a Halloween party tonight at my relatives, they do parties for all sorts of stuff and love hosting things! The kids were really looking forward to it.

Unfortunately relative tested positive for Covid yesterday so has had to cancel. Because all the DC were really looking forward to going I went and bought decorations, pumpkins to carve, party food, sweets etc.. so we could have a party at home.

My husband's ex has a habit of just telling us what's happening she'll decide X and assumes we shouldn't get a say. She's decided that as we aren't going to the party anymore she wants DSC back so they can go trick or treating with her youngest ones.

When we've said we have bought pumpkins, decs and food she's suggested we and the kids with some of it to her house.

The kids hate getting involved and will just tell each parent what they want to hear i.e. 'i don't mind staying here' to us and 'i don't mind coming home' to their mum. She has form for always doing this, her way or the highway.

AIBU saying if the kids go back to hers there is no way they are taking a load of party stuff with them for her and her other kids to use too. We'll just have a party with our kids and have left overs.

Husband hates arguing with her so thinks it's not a big deal sending them with pumpkins and food/sweets/some decs if they want to go back. I bought it out if my own pocket though so it's up to me.

I think if you want to insist on having the kids back fine but spend your own money then.

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:42

This is not a hill to die on... kids will have a nicer time trick or treating with her, and if you send their share of pumpkins etc with them, they'll appreciate that and you're not out of pocket. Honestly, I get ex wives presumptions can be vexing but focus on the kids. If they'll get a benefit, let it happen. Don't sweat the small stuff!

HotCoffee22 · 29/10/2022 08:43

Of course you’re not being unreasonable? Who takes part of the party home when they can’t attend? What a bonkers suggestion. Mum has found a totally bizarre solution to her being totally unreasonable dictating that established plans change at the last minute.

She shouldn’t be chopping and changing contact like that.

Weenurse · 29/10/2022 08:44

I want to say keep the stuff you bought, but I could understand how disappointed they would be to miss out.
I’m on the fence I’m afraid.
I will just sit here on the fence and see what others say. 🤷‍♀️

Chdjdn · 29/10/2022 08:45

Wow what a cheek! Definitely don’t allow anything to go back

Twoshoesnewshoes · 29/10/2022 08:47

What harriethoyle said

LizzieSiddal · 29/10/2022 08:47

This is not a hill to die on... kids will have a nicer time trick or treating with her, and if you send their share of pumpkins etc with them, they'll appreciate that and you're not out of pocket. Honestly, I get ex wives presumptions can be vexing but focus on the kids. If they'll get a benefit, let it happen. Don't sweat the small stuff!

Hear Hear!

SafeHeaven · 29/10/2022 08:48

I would let them take a small amount of it

sandgrown · 29/10/2022 08:48

Why is she trick or treating today? If she came to my house I wouldn’t be ready or have anything to give them . Halloween is Monday . I think the children should stay with you as arranged.

Chdjdn · 29/10/2022 08:48

If the kids are disappointed because she insists on them going back that is on her and there’s nothing stopping her going out and buying this stuff.

ShineOnYouLikeMorningStar · 29/10/2022 08:49

When it was going to be at your relative's house, & your own DC were going to be attending the party, obviously it was reasonable that you pay for the party stuff. Now the kids are to be split into 2 separate houses (not by your request) why should you fund the party food etc for kids that aren't your own? Will you have to buy new food to replace what's gone to your SDC's house?

fruitbrewhaha · 29/10/2022 08:49

Well decorations you can say no because you’ve bought decorations to do your house, you don’t buy per person.

Id perhaps invite some of your youngest’s friends from nursery instead so you need it all for them instead.

DeadDonkey · 29/10/2022 08:50

harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:42

This is not a hill to die on... kids will have a nicer time trick or treating with her, and if you send their share of pumpkins etc with them, they'll appreciate that and you're not out of pocket. Honestly, I get ex wives presumptions can be vexing but focus on the kids. If they'll get a benefit, let it happen. Don't sweat the small stuff!

Why do you think they will have a nicer time with their Mum? It sounds like Step-Mum and Dad have a nice time planned for them with their younger siblings.

ShineOnYouLikeMorningStar · 29/10/2022 08:51

Also, "husband hates arguing with the XW/XP/MIL/whoever" is often code for saying that he doesn't have your back, or CBA to deal with it himself. Is he lazy or does he see it as house stuff, therefore women's work?

Meowsaidthecat · 29/10/2022 08:52

I would let them take a pumpkin and a few sweets home each, it's not fair to miss out completely it's not their doing. But I wouldn't let them take the rest.

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 08:53

Where would the kids have been if the party hadn't been planned?

If it's 'your' weekend, DH should say 'no', but if it's 'hers' you should take them back, but no need to send stuff, you're decorating your home with it!

or ask the kids, I get they try to keep both hsppy,but as they get older they're going to need to learn to make decisions & choose what they would prefer.

PeekAtYou · 29/10/2022 08:54

Truck or Treating night is Monday. If they are going ToT why do they need more sweets? If they are going home then I'd give the kids some sweets because they would have had some at the party but the decorations belong at your house.

Original poster
hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:54

harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:42

This is not a hill to die on... kids will have a nicer time trick or treating with her, and if you send their share of pumpkins etc with them, they'll appreciate that and you're not out of pocket. Honestly, I get ex wives presumptions can be vexing but focus on the kids. If they'll get a benefit, let it happen. Don't sweat the small stuff!

Why would you assume they'll have a nicer time with their mum?

It isn't her night with them, I don't see why she just gets to lay down the law of X is happening so suck it up. We had plans with the kids, plans that ended up costing us money, plans that they were lookng forward to. They now feel awkward and don't know what to say because she is trying to muscle in.

If she wants to insist they go home why shouldn't she fork out for that?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:55

@DeadDonkey just because they'll be out and about, wearing sheets and getting loads of junk from neighbours if the plan is to trick or treat 🤷🏻‍♀️ I absolutely get why OP is vexed, I have a ball bag of an ex to contend with but sometimes you do yourself more harm, in pushing back on all the bad behaviour as opposed to picking your battles.

Original poster
hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:55

SkylightSkylight · 29/10/2022 08:53

Where would the kids have been if the party hadn't been planned?

If it's 'your' weekend, DH should say 'no', but if it's 'hers' you should take them back, but no need to send stuff, you're decorating your home with it!

or ask the kids, I get they try to keep both hsppy,but as they get older they're going to need to learn to make decisions & choose what they would prefer.

It should be our weekend. She has form for this though. If she doest have something better to do she wants them back (its week on week off, due back at hers Sunday night).

OP posts:
lightlypoachedeyeballs · 29/10/2022 08:57

Compromise. Offer to do a Sunday night.Monday hallowe'en thing with your kids - which you'd need the stuff kept at yours, then send them (empty handed) to hers tonight.

That way she gets her way, and your kids get double bubble,Smile

Phillipa12 · 29/10/2022 08:57

Whose weekend is it supposed to be?
Are the dc due back in school Monday?
If it's your weekend, keep the decorations and hold your own little party with DSC. Halloween isn't until Monday, so if the DSC are back with mum then they get to go out with their other siblings trick or treating and it gives mum enough time to get her own decorations and party food in.

Original poster
hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:57

I could understand how disappointed they would be to miss out

They don't have to miss out. They can stay here as was the original plan. If she's that desperate to go ToT with them, go tomorrow night when they were due to be with her anyway?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:58

I also think @ShineOnYouLikeMorningStar has a good point re your DH avoiding conflict... whilst I don't always agree with DH decisions re DSC, he is not someone who will do anything for an easy life and has pushed back on ie demands for kids being returned on his weekend. It doesn't necessarily sound like your DH does this and so perhaps you feel resentful about that (understandably).

TeenDivided · 29/10/2022 09:01

Trick or treating is Monday night.
If she goes anywhere with them on Sat or Sun people won't be ready.
I've sent people away who have turned up a day early, it's ridiculous.

I only put decorations up outside the afternoon of the 31st so anyone calling earlier is not only on the wrong day but also breaking the other rule about only going to houses showing they want visitors.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 29/10/2022 09:02

harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:55

@DeadDonkey just because they'll be out and about, wearing sheets and getting loads of junk from neighbours if the plan is to trick or treat 🤷🏻‍♀️ I absolutely get why OP is vexed, I have a ball bag of an ex to contend with but sometimes you do yourself more harm, in pushing back on all the bad behaviour as opposed to picking your battles.

Why is that nicer than a party with your family and loads of sweets and junk food?

It's OPs (well, the DHs) day with the kids. The ex doesn't get to revoke that just because.

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