not letting them take this stuff to their mums

[hallllo]

Kids (shared DC 3 +4 and husband's two eldest 8 + 10) were supposed to go to a Halloween party tonight at my relatives, they do parties for all sorts of stuff and love hosting things! The kids were really looking forward to it.

Unfortunately relative tested positive for Covid yesterday so has had to cancel. Because all the DC were really looking forward to going I went and bought decorations, pumpkins to carve, party food, sweets etc.. so we could have a party at home.

My husband's ex has a habit of just telling us what's happening she'll decide X and assumes we shouldn't get a say. She's decided that as we aren't going to the party anymore she wants DSC back so they can go trick or treating with her youngest ones.

When we've said we have bought pumpkins, decs and food she's suggested we and the kids with some of it to her house.

The kids hate getting involved and will just tell each parent what they want to hear i.e. 'i don't mind staying here' to us and 'i don't mind coming home' to their mum. She has form for always doing this, her way or the highway.

AIBU saying if the kids go back to hers there is no way they are taking a load of party stuff with them for her and her other kids to use too. We'll just have a party with our kids and have left overs.

Husband hates arguing with her so thinks it's not a big deal sending them with pumpkins and food/sweets/some decs if they want to go back. I bought it out if my own pocket though so it's up to me.

I think if you want to insist on having the kids back fine but spend your own money then.

@goldfinchonthelawn
do the younger two just miss out, so the older twos Mum can have them on 'not her weekend' to take them ToT (on the wrong night) with HER younger two??

on what planet??

@hallllo

DH's weekend, just because the Ex fancies it, NO. It's good to be flexible for the kids sake (and even each other's benefit) but not to have things constantly messed about 'just because'). You have a DH. Problem though. HE needs to sort these boundaries out. HE has you & HIS younger kids to consider NOT just his Ex (and this is NOT about his kids, this IS about his EX)

Say no & have a fun party!

I agree with this. Don’t send everything over but let the have some stuff. They might not show it but inside they will feel special enough as individuals and not just as part of one unit.

FFS either they stay for the party at yours as planned or their mum insists they come back to hers and she can buy party supplies herself!
If it was « her » weekend she may have a point but as it is your DH’s weekend there is no reason at all for them to go back!

You have a big DH problem. The Halloween stuff is a red herring. The principle is much bigger.

Every single time he bends to the whims of his ex, he is letting her dictate and impact time and plans with the DSCs.

He should value time with his children enough to say no. He should respect you and your time and plans enough to say no. He should stop the disruption to his DCs.

I’m all for being flexible on contact time where it really matters, but if she does this regularly then it’s appalling and unacceptable.

DH could take her to court to formalise a custody schedule. But first he needs to say no every time and mean it. Starting today.

They shouldn't be going back. They are with you and you do what you want with them.

It's not a day for trick or treating anyway.

In future don't even tell her if plans change. If the kids are with you anyway it makes no difference to her what they are doing.

But why should these children go back to their mum when their weekend with dad?
Are they not allowed to spend the weekend with their dad Wo being disturbed???

As fur taking the decorations etc.. with them… nope that fur dads house and whoever is at dad’s house. If mum wants all the decs etc… she can organise it. Why should the other children miss out on having their house decorated, the food etc… because the ex can’t be bothered to do it herself? It smacks of using someone else effort to reap the rewards from the dcs (look at the great party I’ve organised ‘for you’)

Good answer!

Bad answer!

The children are supposed to be with their dad this weekend, why should they cut their weekend short with him because mum says so!? It's disruptive for the kids to send them back to mums house on his weekend. Boundaries need putting in place.

Just text her and say thank you for the suggestion but as it's dear husbands weekend to have them we will be making our own plans.

Carve the pumpkins with all the kids together and let them take their masterpiece/masterpieces back to their mums. Add a small bag of sweets each from the ones you’ve bought. That’s plenty. Then they did the fun pumpkin carving activity at yours (take pics!) then they get to take their decoration home (and mum can throw out the gross rotten mess they will become next week), and the small bag of sweets is a small thing that will mean something to them and makes fuck all difference money wise.
Any other house decorations are for your house and aren’t traveling.

Who goes Trick or Treating on a night that isn't Halloween? They can't be going tonight - no one will be expecting them. They'll end up very disappointed with no sweets and surprised neighbours.

Yes, do all that, so they can take them back to their mother’s on SUNDAY night.

Tonight is their Dad’s night.

If dad wanted to give up his night because he can't be bothered to see his kids then so be it

I kind of see what you're saying - no point in OP getting stressed about DSD going back to mums, because ultimately it's their mum and DH who make these decisions.

I do think it's a shame that their dad didn't think about the fact that they had plans with their younger siblings, though.

At the end of the day it's not about the 'stuff' it's about the relationships. DSC mum now saying it's fine to change SC plans with younger siblings, because she can just send round the 'stuff'. But the real problem here is they had plans to spend quality time together as a family and that has been cancelled.

I'd say until your DH is ready to put some sensible boundaries in with the ex, just try and carry on as normal doing stuff for/with the kids regardless of whether SDC are there or not.

I didn’t read it as ‘can’t be bothered’. I read it as ‘life will be hell if I say no’. But maybe OP can confirm?

@BaconCabbage Yes that's a better way of putting it. I learnt a long time ago that if mum and dad have sorted it between themselves there is very little to be gained from my input. And if dad won't stand up for himself or mum is making his life hell if he doesn't comply then it is more stress than its worth for OP to try and resolve this frankly.

Either way that is dad's choice

This!

But I recognise a lot of this is outside of your control. So set your boundaries and hold them - so it might me “no I’ve bought stuff for a party. If you want DSC to take some home you go buy something for them” and then leave your DH to deal with the ex.