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Step-parenting

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Original poster

not letting them take this stuff to their mums

93 replies

hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:38

Kids (shared DC 3 +4 and husband's two eldest 8 + 10) were supposed to go to a Halloween party tonight at my relatives, they do parties for all sorts of stuff and love hosting things! The kids were really looking forward to it.

Unfortunately relative tested positive for Covid yesterday so has had to cancel. Because all the DC were really looking forward to going I went and bought decorations, pumpkins to carve, party food, sweets etc.. so we could have a party at home.

My husband's ex has a habit of just telling us what's happening she'll decide X and assumes we shouldn't get a say. She's decided that as we aren't going to the party anymore she wants DSC back so they can go trick or treating with her youngest ones.

When we've said we have bought pumpkins, decs and food she's suggested we and the kids with some of it to her house.

The kids hate getting involved and will just tell each parent what they want to hear i.e. 'i don't mind staying here' to us and 'i don't mind coming home' to their mum. She has form for always doing this, her way or the highway.

AIBU saying if the kids go back to hers there is no way they are taking a load of party stuff with them for her and her other kids to use too. We'll just have a party with our kids and have left overs.

Husband hates arguing with her so thinks it's not a big deal sending them with pumpkins and food/sweets/some decs if they want to go back. I bought it out if my own pocket though so it's up to me.

I think if you want to insist on having the kids back fine but spend your own money then.

OP posts:
SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:07

Bigbadfish · 29/10/2022 12:06

She can absolutly make a point to her DH that she does expect the parenting plan to be followed. As an adult in the home she can draw her line into he sand where she is seeing her husband being pushed around by this woman.
He then has a choice. Stand up to his Ex or wife....let's see how good his survival instincts are.

Show quote history

She can point out there is a parenting plan. If he can't be arsed to follow it that's up to him.

Soakitup37 · 29/10/2022 12:07

Why does does she know the plans have changed? If it’s your weekend she can jog right on.

no the kids will come back to you when it’s the right time for them too. They can take the bits back with them then I would say. Clears the crap out of your house too ;)

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:08

It shouldn't affect OP if the DSC are there or not as long as dad pays her back

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:09

Soakitup37 · 29/10/2022 12:07

Why does does she know the plans have changed? If it’s your weekend she can jog right on.

no the kids will come back to you when it’s the right time for them too. They can take the bits back with them then I would say. Clears the crap out of your house too ;)

Oh yes we always send them back with a pumpkin...

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2022 12:11

It's your DH's contact weekend so he should just say to the ex, 'Sorry, we've got Halloween plans ourselves'. See you tomorrow at 6pm (or whatever).

Don't budge and definitely don't send 'your' stuff to the cheeky mare!

tabulahrasa · 29/10/2022 12:20

You can’t let her take them out tonight - it’s not Halloween, how miserable are they going to be traipsing round getting refused everywhere? Poor wee things...

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:21

Erm no, you bought that stuff to have a party with your kids at your house. She can't take the kids AND the party! Also you still have your smaller ones so should still have a party for them.

If she wants to take the kids and do Halloween stuff she can bloody well pay for it.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:21

tabulahrasa · 29/10/2022 12:20

You can’t let her take them out tonight - it’s not Halloween, how miserable are they going to be traipsing round getting refused everywhere? Poor wee things...

OP doesn't have a choice. If dad wants them to be turned down at each door then fine.

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:22

rainbowstardrops · 29/10/2022 12:11

It's your DH's contact weekend so he should just say to the ex, 'Sorry, we've got Halloween plans ourselves'. See you tomorrow at 6pm (or whatever).

Don't budge and definitely don't send 'your' stuff to the cheeky mare!

This.

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:23

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:08

It shouldn't affect OP if the DSC are there or not as long as dad pays her back

What about the smaller kids?

wackamole · 29/10/2022 12:24

She's taking the piss, but it seems to be part of an ongoing piss-take interfering in agreed custody arrangements for made-up reasons and messing up the children's routine. Unfortunately, you can't make your husband want to spend time with his children and you can't make him stand up to his ex and stop her from putting the children in the middle. He has to do that. Since he's involving you though, it's fine to give your opinion.

My opinion would be: they're already scheduled to go to their mother's on Sunday so they get to have a party tonight with their dad and you and one set of siblings, and Trick or Treat on Monday with their mother and other set of siblings. Best of both worlds! Just do what you would normally have done if they'd left on Sunday: let them take their own carved pumpkins, costumes, and candy if they want but not the household decorations or anything shared.

BlueRidge · 29/10/2022 12:26

Would I chuff send the stuff back with them!!

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:26

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:23

What about the smaller kids?

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The DSC aren't there to entertain the smaller kids. They'll be fine, they spend a lot of their life without them.

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:37

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 12:26

The DSC aren't there to entertain the smaller kids. They'll be fine, they spend a lot of their life without them.

Show quote history

Do you have experience of this?

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter and a two younger daughters.

My 3 year old daughter would probably be more upset about the first cancelled party than the 9 year old.

They would all want to have their Halloween fun with us as planned.

If you cancel a second Halloween party for the younger kids because the big kids 'aren't there to entertain them', you'd be sending a clear message that no one is allowed to have unless SDC are there. Which is really mean.

It's actually not fine for all younger children with older siblings who aren't there full time. They miss their older siblings hugely and it is really hard to adjust. I think the best way to counteract that is to keep life as consistent as possible, e.g. not suddenly giving away all the fun party stuff because DSC aren't there.

This is a reply to you, and not to the OP as the OP seems to understand that this is a totally ridiculous idea.

Honestly in future I would not mention much to DSC mum about plans while at yours etc. Just keep the days consistent. Because this kind of nonsense is going to be unsettling for all involved.

OP - I think they should stay with you and have the fun evening you have all planned, and go trick or treating on Monday with their other siblings. That would actually make sense.

don't enable her blinkered behaviour

WakingUpDistress · 29/10/2022 12:42

harriethoyle · 29/10/2022 08:42

This is not a hill to die on... kids will have a nicer time trick or treating with her, and if you send their share of pumpkins etc with them, they'll appreciate that and you're not out of pocket. Honestly, I get ex wives presumptions can be vexing but focus on the kids. If they'll get a benefit, let it happen. Don't sweat the small stuff!

How do you know the dcs will have a nicer time at their mums than at their dad’s?

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:43

WakingUpDistress · 29/10/2022 12:42

How do you know the dcs will have a nicer time at their mums than at their dad’s?

Show quote history

Well quite, and why would they prefer to cancel the plans they had been preparing for with one set of siblings, in order to see another set of siblings?

WakingUpDistress · 29/10/2022 12:44

hallllo · 29/10/2022 08:55

It should be our weekend. She has form for this though. If she doest have something better to do she wants them back (its week on week off, due back at hers Sunday night).

Show quote history

It’s your weekend, the dcs stay with you. You have your party, your way.

id also stop telling her what ur plans are and if they have changed.

jackstini · 29/10/2022 12:45

As it's his weekend, I would do the mini party with all your kids at yours as planned

Say to her that you will send them back with some stuff on Sunday, ready for them to trick & treat on Monday (but obviously keep some for your kids too)

We are quite pro Halloween on our road - but only on the actual day - not a chance would anyone get anything tonight!

quietnightmare · 29/10/2022 12:47

Can't they have the party at yours tonight and go tick or treating on Monday. You can't go tick or treating tonight it's the wrong night

Discovereads · 29/10/2022 12:48

I’d just have the party at yours from say 4pm to 6pm (feed them), and then the ex can come by and pick them up for trick or treating.

Nadal · 29/10/2022 12:48

Lesson learnt. Don't tell her about your plans which have no impact on her in future.

Think it's a cheek. It's your weekend and you have plans. They could take stuff back to use on Monday when they go home I guess but she sounds like she is already doing stuff with younger kids anyway.

Just tell her you have new plans already

Discovereads · 29/10/2022 12:49

Oh just realised the party is today…carry on. There’s no trick or treating today, the ex is being silly. Trick or treating is on Monday.

aSofaNearYou · 29/10/2022 13:08

I'd be saying no, trick or treating is on Monday anyway so they can stay here as planned and do both.

But if I did send them back, I'd send them with some sweets but not the other stuff. Decorations stay at yours.

SpookyPanda · 29/10/2022 13:24

BaconCabbage · 29/10/2022 12:37

Do you have experience of this?

I have a 9 year old stepdaughter and a two younger daughters.

My 3 year old daughter would probably be more upset about the first cancelled party than the 9 year old.

They would all want to have their Halloween fun with us as planned.

If you cancel a second Halloween party for the younger kids because the big kids 'aren't there to entertain them', you'd be sending a clear message that no one is allowed to have unless SDC are there. Which is really mean.

It's actually not fine for all younger children with older siblings who aren't there full time. They miss their older siblings hugely and it is really hard to adjust. I think the best way to counteract that is to keep life as consistent as possible, e.g. not suddenly giving away all the fun party stuff because DSC aren't there.

This is a reply to you, and not to the OP as the OP seems to understand that this is a totally ridiculous idea.

Honestly in future I would not mention much to DSC mum about plans while at yours etc. Just keep the days consistent. Because this kind of nonsense is going to be unsettling for all involved.

OP - I think they should stay with you and have the fun evening you have all planned, and go trick or treating on Monday with their other siblings. That would actually make sense.

don't enable her blinkered behaviour

Show quote history

My toddle is upset for about 5 minutes when they leave then gets over it don't cancel the party. Just accept it as a thing that happens in "blended" families, dad and some random woman you'll never meet get to decide on the DSC's whereabouts.

Snugglemonkey · 29/10/2022 13:41

I would keep some of the stuff for the shared DC, but also allow DSC to take home a bit. You are not giving it to her as such, rather giving it to them, which you were prepared to do anyway