AIBU about bedrooms?

[Bedroomdebate]

NC but regular poster

I have a dilemma but am very prepared to be told I am being unreasonable.

Me and DH have a 4 year old DD together and DH has a 13 year old DS from previous marriage. DSS has autism not wholly relevant but for context.

We co parent really well with DH EX ( we are all very amicable ) and DSS lives with us 50% of the time. I adore DSS and when he's here I parent him like my own.

So my dilemma. We live in a very standard 3 bed mid terrace. We can't extend so this is our house for the foreseeable as we can't move either .

We have 2 double rooms and 1 box room. DSS has the largest of the rooms and DD has the box room which was fine if she was still a baby but is now starting to cause us some issues.

DD has large toys like dolls houses and sets she can't fit in due to her room ( and no where else for them to go) and also would like her friends to come over to play in her room and In contrast DSS here half time only wants to play his tv / console or tablet and use his bed or desk area .

Now IF ( and appreciate this is a huge if) they were both my biological children I would ask DSS if he would consider changing rooms so Dd could play with toys as she would get more out of the space and could have friends to play in her room BUT DH won't consider this idea at all.

I can't work out if I'm being massively unreasonable in considering a room switch so child who is always here can have bigger room to play with toys.

DSS has a lovely large bedroom at his mums house to.

Every time I try to mention with DH he shuts the conversation down.

Thoughts fellow step parents ? Am I being mean even thinking about this .

For further context house is jointly mine and DH we brought it a year before DD arrived .

You and DH could always take the box room and give DSs and DD the bigger room. If you're anything like me, then all you do in your bedroom is sleep etc, sits empty during the day so do you and DH really need the space? Would solve your issue.

Box rooms are usually called box rooms because they are too small to be a single bedroom. So unless OP is being coy, and the room is actually 10'*8' or more, you'd need bunkbeds for a married couple and there would be no space for two people's clothing.

A floor plan is kind of essential on these threads, for maximum participation

Or maybe people are just considering the other people in the situation, too.

Just to confirm I won't be sharing the floor plan of my house I am afraid nor will I draw a mumsnet diagram

To clarify
No playroom ! Goodness me I wish we had one because then this would not be a post I had to debate

Me and DH would not be able to fit us and all our belongings into the box room and a solution will not be us moving there

No issue with DD playing with toys in the Lounge or on my floor

This isn't just about a dolls house.

DSS is unlikely to go away to uni .

I appreciate everyone who wants us to think and DSS feelings and I wouldn't have started this post if I didn't want to ensure I was being fair but I also have to think about DD who gets a small bedroom 100% of the time and also consider her feelings but I appreciate she's to young now to notice but she will notice in a few years time .

I still haven't re discussed with DH as as this post shows it isn't clear cut and honestly has given me so much food for thought

I wasn't seriously expecting a floor plan, don't worry! Is there a reason why DSS acquired the biggest bedroom in the first place? Is it a very awkward shape? Can you snip a bit off for a playroom, study etc?

Maybe look at B&Q Alara room partitions.

Sorry I did know you were joking but couldn't add any emojis for some reason for that to through on my post.

The wall comments are super interesting I am going to investigate this.

@lookluv you're the only one showing any resentment here.

Wow. Just to confirm I have zero resentment for my DSS . I adore him. I don't appreciate being stereotyped at all.

I don't resent the space my DSS has I am just considering if it's the right use of it.

But also to clarify. Yes I will complain if my DSS makes a mess, just like I do with DD . Both kids are parented by me in the same way. When DSS is with me I'm his mum. I always have been since he can remember . So I treat him like I would treat any child and he treats me the same as he treats his mother.

I have said on this post multiple times if these were both my kids I wouldn't have posted because the room swap would have already happened because I wouldn't be over thinking it. I would do what makes sense space wise.

Projecting again, @lookluv

Oooo I did think she sounded a bit angry and now it's been deleted

Reading your last update re: DSS unlikely to go to uni.
Ok but once he gets to 18-19 (basically young adult) would he still be doing the 50-50 around 2 houses? Because that would be quite unusual. I think if his mum has a big room for him at hers and no sharing issue, then the set up (from 18+ yrs old) should be he Lives there and sleeps there, but can still come whenever he wants for dinner, time with his dad and sibling etc.

Really good point

So hard to predict now but I would think he is likely to still stay 50/50 or maybe even live with us more. So hard to call as a fair few years off

Now hopeless cynic comes up with a plan which dictates which house the 18+ yr old can live in and not be given a choice!

OP if they were both your children - then you would have had a discussion with the 13 yr old - so have the discussion but prepared for it not to be what you want and then know what you will do.

In most families the youngest has the smallest room. If dss was yours you would be saying he needed more space to study or have friends over.

Do your own survey how many people have their youngest child in the smallest room?

My elder DD (with autistic traits) has our smallest bedroom.. Her "stuff" is smaller than her younger sisters. Its her private bolthole (whereas her sisters room doubles as a guest bedroom). She has a double loft bed, so plenty of room for her desk, books, art stuff etc (and indeed gaming stuff if she was that way inclined). The door is bifold to make furniture placing easier. Its half the size of her sisters but the space is used well.

Indeed, and a common source of upset for many younger children who may feel they needed the space more!

Logically, a younger child often does. I'd wager the main reason most people automatically assign their eldest child the best bedroom throughout their childhood, even as their things get smaller and their siblings' get bigger, is because they already have it and they don't want to shake the apple cart. So it ends up first serve rather than an actual consideration of needs.

Sometimes I think, reading these threads, that the only answer if you have step children and a younger child or are planning to have more children, is to never put the step children in the bigger room in the first place. It's obvious it's going to end up really illogical for the families needs, yet people will insist you can never change it. But no doubt people would think that was also cruel.

I agree it's a good point that things will probably evolve one way or the other by the time DSS is 18/19 even if he doesn't go away to uni. The way ahead will be clearer then.

Between now and then you have his GCSEs and A levels, and all the mocks, to get through for a start, and long summers at the end of Y11 and Y13. All with a 6 or 8 year old little sister in the mix. My teen works in the dining room but if she had much younger sibs that would have a big impact on them - TV off, even avoiding playdates maybe, even making homework difficult because primary school homework is audible - reading, spellings, adults helping. I think older ones getting bigger bedrooms is because that's where a desk can go, often, leaving the rest of the house more sociable. It's not just about DSS, but also making quiet spaces and loud spaces in the house that work for all. Primary school children often don't spend much time in their rooms, they do homework in shared spaces, often play in shared spaces. and absolutely should do all their screen time supervised in shared spaces. DD will "get" a lot of the house for these things anyway and she doesn't need privacy or quiet in the volume that a teen does. Does she really lose out by not also having the bigger bedroom?

I think I'd leave them be for now and see how things lie in a few years.

Sometimes I think, reading these threads, that the only answer if you have step children and a younger child or are planning to have more children, is to never put the step children in the bigger room in the first place
I agree. My DSD is in the smallest room of 4 in our house. When we were house hunting I discounted many lovely houses on the basis that the 4th bedroom was too small so it's actually still an ok size. DH initially wasn't very happy about her moving into the smallest room but we wanted a second child (his third) so it was better to plan ahead.
Now DSD is sitting pretty as the only member of the family to have her own exclusive bedroom and she doesn't even live here! It's more important for her, as a pre teen, to have her own space here so my young children will share the largest room. So there's no "poor child" around here and we don't have (expensive!) large bedroom sitting idle while the residents of the house squeeze in elsewhere.

I think also what affects my judgement is I came from a house where bedrooms were shifted and I as the younger child had the biggest room! My teen brother shifted to a smaller room so I had more space as he had less things. No resentment it was just the way my parents did it.

I will pick my moment but I am going to talk to DH about discussing with DSS even if first of all it's a conversation about her playing in his room when he isn't there or similar. I wouldn't speak to DSS without that convo with DH first as it's so important we are always on the same page before we talk to the kids .

"Sometimes I think, reading these threads, that the only answer if you have step children and a younger child or are planning to have more children, is to never put the step children in the bigger room in the first place"

My SC is currently in the middle size bedroom and we will be changing to put our toddler in that room and SC to the smallest room. It's still a nice size but toddler has larger toys and will make more use of the space now.
As long as bedroom is decorated and looks exciting, my SC doesn't mind.
In my house, it isn't up for discussion who has which bedroom as it would be the same if SC was my own.

Why waste the floor playing space on a child that doesn't play with toys any more ?

When you say DS has the biggest room, do you mean biggest of all 3 rooms?

I am actually surprised you let your DSS have the larger room in first place. Then this wouldn't be an issue.

If he got autism you can't change his routine now.

I think maybe think about moving now.

If he got autism you can't change his routine now.

People with autism change their routines for all sorts of reasons. New nursery, new school, new college, new job. Even a new relationship. One size doesn't fit all.