AIBU about bedrooms?

[Bedroomdebate]

NC but regular poster

I have a dilemma but am very prepared to be told I am being unreasonable.

Me and DH have a 4 year old DD together and DH has a 13 year old DS from previous marriage. DSS has autism not wholly relevant but for context.

We co parent really well with DH EX ( we are all very amicable ) and DSS lives with us 50% of the time. I adore DSS and when he's here I parent him like my own.

So my dilemma. We live in a very standard 3 bed mid terrace. We can't extend so this is our house for the foreseeable as we can't move either .

We have 2 double rooms and 1 box room. DSS has the largest of the rooms and DD has the box room which was fine if she was still a baby but is now starting to cause us some issues.

DD has large toys like dolls houses and sets she can't fit in due to her room ( and no where else for them to go) and also would like her friends to come over to play in her room and In contrast DSS here half time only wants to play his tv / console or tablet and use his bed or desk area .

Now IF ( and appreciate this is a huge if) they were both my biological children I would ask DSS if he would consider changing rooms so Dd could play with toys as she would get more out of the space and could have friends to play in her room BUT DH won't consider this idea at all.

I can't work out if I'm being massively unreasonable in considering a room switch so child who is always here can have bigger room to play with toys.

DSS has a lovely large bedroom at his mums house to.

Every time I try to mention with DH he shuts the conversation down.

Thoughts fellow step parents ? Am I being mean even thinking about this .

For further context house is jointly mine and DH we brought it a year before DD arrived .

It's very difficult. Even when both children are full siblings. My dgds aged 17 has the larger room. Dhd aged 14 . Equally has to study, wants friends around had the small box room. No easy solution. I know this would be difficult but have you though of squeezing a double in smallest room for you and DH. You could then give DD the very biggest room ...put lots of storage in. You and DH could have your clothes in there there would be room for storage for DD and her big toys and to have friends around. Not great I know but could work until daughter is around 8. In general terms aren't around as much then. Maybe at uni so would then be a logical step to give dss the box room. DD could have second room and you and Dh would be restored to your own room. It would take a massive amount of generosity I know but possibly worth considering. 😃

Teens not terms 😁

I can't believe people are suggesting the OP and her husband squeeze into a box room so as not to upset any of the kids. Madness. I don't know anyone who would do this in real life.

Just to confirm I wouldn't be using the other parents house for storage at all. Not sure where this has come from.

My point on other house was just that DSS has another large bedroom at his mums house

See DSS is already only here 50% of the time and DD already wants to use his floor space to set up picnics or puzzles which we avoid so I'm not sure growing up or uni would make the situation any different but def worth bearing in mind .

You speak so much sense and have given me so much food for thought.

I started this post to see if my way of thinking was wrong and to see if I was being unreasonable before I approached DH again and mixed responses on here suggest neither of us are right or wrong

I def need to sit down and chat to him about it again.

I would swap I think it's fair given how often the room is used and the difference in space. Also older teen more likely to want a tv etc than have bigger 'toys'

It's not just about the rooms, it's about how the whole house functions. A 4 year old is still wanting to be around you, a 13 year old especially one who's there PT needs a bolt hole. Also, with autism, a good bolt hole for him means everything runs more smoothly for everyone. The little one is likely to be in the main living areas even if her toys are mainly in her bedroom, leaving the teen possibly doubly pushed out from both main living areas and his old bedroom, and increasing friction all round.

A 13 year is unlikely to be convinced by a cool chair or high sleeper.

I would leave it and see how things are when he is 18 and potentially off to uni, or when you have another baby. Not because his part time presence trumps his sister's dolls house storage, but because it is about how to make everyone in the house feel like it's their home. But set up a toy area downstairs - dining area, under the stairs, behind the sofa? If that's annoying and you want a completely child free relaxation space, maybe make your bedroom really nice and put a TV on the wall so it can be used like a second private living room for grown ups. People get sniffy about TVs in bedrooms, but it's a bit bonkers that so many of us only use the top floor of our houses for sleeping. That's half the space in our houses!

Honestly I would suggest to dp that you wedge in the box room it would open up discussion about how mad the situation is I mean when he is a grown adult will he insist that he has the big room in case he visits? My dd went from the bigger room to the smaller room I've ended up in the medium sized room (twice) to fit us all in and I'm going to transition into the smallest room as its easier than moving ds2 out of my room 🙃

See DSS is already only here 50% of the time and DD already wants to use his floor space to set up picnics or puzzles

She can use your room for this then.

It's not about asking to use the other house as storage, but a child that lives between two homes will often naturally spread their things across the two and won't need to store as much in either one.

My DD has far, far more things than my DSS in our house permanently. for a long time his room was just filled with her stuff as it was the only empty space in the house. It's a bit redundant now as we have another DD so the rooms have been swapped with the two girls sharing, but even if we hadn't had DD2, we'd still have swapped DSS into the box room. There is no point him having the big room when it's just full of DD's stuff through necessity.

She can use your room for this then
Yes, obvious thing is to use the smaller of the other rooms which is occupied by two adults full time rather than than the largest room occupied by one child 50% of the time. 🙄

Not to mention most adult rooms are 90% filled by double beds.

Given that the adults won't be sleeping in it during the day, I don't see why she can't use the space for playing.

She can lay out her teaparties etc on the bed. It's likely a similar sized space to the floorspace in her brothers room.

That's just really impractical. Things fall everywhere when you put them on a bed and sit down on it.

We did exactly this for the same reasons. DSS was only with us EOW and one afternoon/evening a week so it really made sense. It luckily coincided with DSS being too old for toys so all he needed in his room was a TV and an Xbox! We explained it to him and he understood. He is now almost 20 and loves his room - it's small but it's all his own! While he's at his mum's he has to share with his stepbrother so never gets his own space.
I wouldn't hesitate over this, the child who lives there all the time needs the bigger room.

Anything other than allowing the child to use the empty floor space in her own home then. I see.

He's autistic. He needs his own space and the bigger room. A bolthole if you will. I cant believe hardly any replies are taking his autism into account.

He would also likely find the change distressing.

I actually can't believe the amount of support for a swap. The lack of awareness re autism is very telling.

You don't know that . We've just changed bedrooms round and both the dc with asd would have been happy with the small room

Leave DSS where he is at his age soon he’ll be wanting his own space and privacy
most teens spend a lot of time in there room

harsh as it seems if you haven’t got room for big toys why get them

Can you get DD a mid sleeper with play space underneath? DS (almost 4) has the smallest room, so we can have a spare room, my grandma lives alone and comes to stay often. Also I prefer DS to play downstairs and bedrooms to be for sleeping at that age. He has a midsleeper with drawers and shelving underneath, but there were options for play space instead. DS pulls the desk out and gets into 'the cave' so would love one with play space underneath, but we need the storage.

OP it doesn't have to be all black and white, you have other options.

• You can store DDs big toys in DSS room or in your bedroom
• You can use DSS floor space, just invite DDs guests when he is not around
• Why can't DD play with guests in the living room?

That is what a lot of children have to do, especially younger siblings who often end up with the box room.

I don't think it's right to suddenly ask/make a teen DSS take the smallest room. Teens need their space a lot more and he's already been given that room. Now, when he goes to uni is a different matter, because he'll be only coming back for holidays. In that situation it would be perfectly reasonable to give him the smallest room.

I think that assuming DSS will be going away to uni and not coming back afterwards is somewhat unrealistic. A child with autism is more likely to launch late and prefer the company of older adults to flat-sharing with their peers. I suspect they may be more likely to choose a uni option that allows them to live at home, too. If there is any way of moving walls to equalise on space, start saving up for it!

Do you have any toys or a playroom downstairs? Where does each child spend their time gaming/playing?