AIBU about bedrooms?

[Bedroomdebate]

NC but regular poster

I have a dilemma but am very prepared to be told I am being unreasonable.

Me and DH have a 4 year old DD together and DH has a 13 year old DS from previous marriage. DSS has autism not wholly relevant but for context.

We co parent really well with DH EX ( we are all very amicable ) and DSS lives with us 50% of the time. I adore DSS and when he's here I parent him like my own.

So my dilemma. We live in a very standard 3 bed mid terrace. We can't extend so this is our house for the foreseeable as we can't move either .

We have 2 double rooms and 1 box room. DSS has the largest of the rooms and DD has the box room which was fine if she was still a baby but is now starting to cause us some issues.

DD has large toys like dolls houses and sets she can't fit in due to her room ( and no where else for them to go) and also would like her friends to come over to play in her room and In contrast DSS here half time only wants to play his tv / console or tablet and use his bed or desk area .

Now IF ( and appreciate this is a huge if) they were both my biological children I would ask DSS if he would consider changing rooms so Dd could play with toys as she would get more out of the space and could have friends to play in her room BUT DH won't consider this idea at all.

I can't work out if I'm being massively unreasonable in considering a room switch so child who is always here can have bigger room to play with toys.

DSS has a lovely large bedroom at his mums house to.

Every time I try to mention with DH he shuts the conversation down.

Thoughts fellow step parents ? Am I being mean even thinking about this .

For further context house is jointly mine and DH we brought it a year before DD arrived .

Your DH needs to try to be fair to both of his children, DSS is not the only one who matters.
I'd be looking at making the smaller room really nice for him, high sleeper, new bedding, the LED lighting, whatever floats his boat. This isn't a punishment after all, it's just about making the best use of the space that you are also paying for.
What's the alternative? Will DD get to keep her larger toys in DSS room where there is space or does the whole family have to make way in the shared space 100% of the time for the sake of protecting a room which is empty 50% of the time? Or does DD just not get the sort of toys that DSS no doubt enjoyed when he was 4 because her father won't make space in her own home?

I'd focus your husband's mind a bit more on the realities by suggesting that you both move into the boxroom (assuming it can fit a double bed in) or, if it's too small, either move all your DD's toys into your bedroom so it doubles as a playroom for her or give her your room and get a sofa bed for downstairs. That might help him to realise what the least worst option is on his own.

My suggestion is to take him to a furniture store which has high sleepers with desk underneath and the prospect of a gaming set up with gaming chair under the bed, only make the switch if he buys in. It's normal for the youngest to have the small room and I had my kids toys downstairs at that age where I could supervise, wouldn't be letting a 4 year old play in their room with a friend without any supervision

It is tricky and needs to be handled delicately but I don't see why the larger room should sit empty for 6 months of the year. And this will sound sexist but every family I know in a 3 bed has the boy in the boxroom.
Good luck x

Can you move a wall to make the small bedroom a bit bigger and the big bedroom a bit smaller. A bit of extra space can have a huge impact on a tiny room.

It makes sense that the larger room would have been given to the child that was an only vhild. It is certainly inconvenient sometimes to find adequate storage for large items, but it can be equally or more difficult to explain arbitrary change to a special needs child many of whom do not adapt well to change.

Knowing that you planned to have children who would live there full time, it would have been wise to plan ahead with thought to numbers, gender possibilities, and inclusion of constraints based upon the son's special needs . What will you do if you have another child? Will yet another change be required of the son?

Maybe, you can get bunk beds or a loft bed and reconfigure the options in your daughter's room. While the son is only at the house 50% of the time, it is still his home , and he is your husband's son 100% of the time.

Finances and spaces place difficult constraints on our choices, but it should not matter what the son has at his mother's house.

Is the son capable of taking part in this discussion? He might not be unwilling to make the change if given the choice

This is bonkers! You can't fit a double bed into most box rooms!

Have the kids swap rooms and make the smallest room cool in some way as an incentive. The child who is the full time should get a bigger room 100%.

Wow. The child is a resident, he didn't choose this position. It's good home too. I'm guessing it's feelings like this the OP and her DH are trying to avoid.

I have no advice - but I agree 100% with this! A big part of why we chose this house is because there isn't really a 'box room' but two doubles and two decent sized singles.

Hope it gets sorted OP.

Maybe I didn't phrase that very well. I meant the child who's full time resident.

Have you mentioned it to DSS? Do you know his opinion on it?

Thank you all! Super useful thoughts you have all given me plenty to think about!

We do own and hadn't considered a wall change which we could absolutely look into but not sure finances are with us at the moment for that. ( how much does something like that even cost)

I'm not prepared for me and DH to move into the box room! I don't think our bed would fit but also I just don't think that's a solution.

I think DSS would love to do up his own room and choose and if I speak to him about it I think he would be positive but I can't do that till I work out how to discuss it with DH which was my main reason for starting this as I wanted to see if I was being unreasonable before I try and enter into another convo about it.

One poster did imply I should have thought about this when we moved in and yes we probably should have but genuinely wasn't sure we would be lucky enough to conceive and I didn't want to plan around a child we might not have .

The other thing that will eventually happen I think is DD might take it upon herself to ask DSS as she gets older which I also want to avoid .

I don’t understand why anyone but you and DH would be in the largest bedroom - was there a layout reason for this?

Totally fine to ask DSS to swap with the promise of making him a new den. You’ve explained the circumstances really clearly and sensibly on here, so go ahead and ask him.

Your DH is being Disney by refusing to even discuss it with you. He should not assume that reasonable, logistical changes are unfair to his son or would make him feel unwanted. Especially as you have DSS 50:50 and it sounds like you get on really well.

Has he grown yet and how tall is he likely to be?

Your idea sounds fine, except teenage boys grow. If you think he will be over 6ft (and many are by 15) then feasibly will he still fit in a box room if it needs to be a small double rather than a single bed?

I don't think I would move him unless he was okay about it, but I don't see any real harm in asking his opinion.

These types of houses are a rubbish design!

We were quoted about 1100 to take the wall down (old house with half brick, half lathe and plaster walls) and put up new stud wall. That was not including moving a radiator and sorting out the light switches and power. In the end we did the whole job ourselves, it is not beyond competent DIYer's.

We do own and hadn't considered a wall change which we could absolutely look into but not sure finances are with us at the moment for that. ( how much does something like that even cost)

To be fair you could do most the work yourself if it's not a supporting wall. If it's a supporting wall you'd have to get someone to knock it down and put a steel up but you could quite easily rebuild the new wall if you're both a bit handy. You would probably then want to get a plasterer in but it won't be extortionate.

It's obviously more expensive than just switching rooms but definitely cheaper than buying a bigger house

I’d swap them round, especially if you might add to the family.

Move house or you squeeze into the box room 🤦🏽‍♀️
DSS has the box room. Nothing to do with 50% either it's to do with the fact that your child plays in her room and needs the space for bigger toys. You have DSS 50% of the time for him and his fathers sake so surely your DH can accept that the kids need to swop rooms. To be honest DSS has had the big room for a while so now it's DD'd turn

I'd definitely consider giving DD the bigger room. Teenagers need less space than little ones due to toys etc. Id say that if they were both mine though as well. Like others have said raised bed, perhaps let him set up console or gaming pc downstairs. I like to keep an eye on what DS 12 does online so am not keen on computers in bedrooms.

And teenagers live in their rooms. They need more space than young children. Not less. Your child should be with you most of the time in family spaces

I’d agree with this!
I think the suggestions that you sleep in the box room or even the living room are crazy! Do people really do this to give their children bigger rooms??
The PP who are advising you to let your stepson do up his room to his own tastes are spot on imo. Get one of those high sleepers are set up a gaming space with a bean bag or something. Your H is being too sensitive!

We've struggled with variations of this problem over the years ( 3 DC into 2 big rooms and one tiny box room.)
The main problem was that it was really tricky for the one in the smallest room to have friends over, particularly as they got older. We could just about squeeze an 8 year old on the floor next to the bed, but not a 14 year old. Similarly, the raised bed was fine for about age 6+, but not for a 6 footer ( which DS was by about 13).
Most of them time it wasn't a problem.
If you have an extra room downstairs ( eg separate living room/dining room) you can set up one of the rooms to use as a den/playroom but it's difficult if you are open plan.
When the DS in the box room had mates over, not that often, maybe once a month or so, I would vacate the living room and let them hang out and sleep in there, but that meant I had to stay in my room for the evening.
Are there compromises you can make? Dolls house downstairs, maybe? Tell DS that he can keep his room if he doesn't want to swap but could DD keep a few of the bigger toys in there?
As other posters have said, it might be worth talking to DSS to see what he thinks- don't assume anything at this point, and make it clear you are just looking for his opinion at the moment. Outline the issues and ask if he can help come up with a solution.

I don't see a massive issue with swapping rooms as what you say makes sense.
However, I have known many autistic people, that find change very very difficult, so that would be one thing to consider. While you see it as a simple room swap, he may have a very difficult time with it.
Also as PP have said, you don't want to make him feel unwanted or unimportant. Could you maybe introduce the idea slowly? And say to him that he gets his bedroom redecorated first, take him out just you, him and DH, to pick out his paint, new furniture, decorations etc so he knows he's still very much loved and valued in your family?

Errr…. Two teens ds here, both 6 feet and over.
the one who is in the box room has no issue with it. Can cope well with a single bed. Which is exactly what his brother has at Uni Halls anyway.

No need to find issues where there aren’t any tbh.