AIBU about bedrooms?

[Bedroomdebate]

NC but regular poster

I have a dilemma but am very prepared to be told I am being unreasonable.

Me and DH have a 4 year old DD together and DH has a 13 year old DS from previous marriage. DSS has autism not wholly relevant but for context.

We co parent really well with DH EX ( we are all very amicable ) and DSS lives with us 50% of the time. I adore DSS and when he's here I parent him like my own.

So my dilemma. We live in a very standard 3 bed mid terrace. We can't extend so this is our house for the foreseeable as we can't move either .

We have 2 double rooms and 1 box room. DSS has the largest of the rooms and DD has the box room which was fine if she was still a baby but is now starting to cause us some issues.

DD has large toys like dolls houses and sets she can't fit in due to her room ( and no where else for them to go) and also would like her friends to come over to play in her room and In contrast DSS here half time only wants to play his tv / console or tablet and use his bed or desk area .

Now IF ( and appreciate this is a huge if) they were both my biological children I would ask DSS if he would consider changing rooms so Dd could play with toys as she would get more out of the space and could have friends to play in her room BUT DH won't consider this idea at all.

I can't work out if I'm being massively unreasonable in considering a room switch so child who is always here can have bigger room to play with toys.

DSS has a lovely large bedroom at his mums house to.

Every time I try to mention with DH he shuts the conversation down.

Thoughts fellow step parents ? Am I being mean even thinking about this .

For further context house is jointly mine and DH we brought it a year before DD arrived .

i mean it’s tricky. You don’t want dss to feel like he’s unwanted, but dd has more “need” i feel for a bigger room as she has bigger toys. But like I say, you don’t want dad to feel like he’s chucked into the smallest room. So I’d do this:
ask dss if he wants to move (you might find he does!!)
if not ask him if he wouldn’t mind moving
if he doesn’t want to you move some of dds toys to the living room/ your room
if you can, offer to decorate his room if he moves.

hope this helps!! X

This is the problem with most 3 bed houses, or any house really: the 3rd, 4th etc room is always much smaller than the others. You'd have the same problem with DCs that are all the children of both of you - someone has to have the box room. I wish architects and house builders would realise that.
Can you move?

Also ask yourself this: if dd was your dsd would you give her the smallest room or the biggest room?

I wouldn't.

A step child who is there part time and who has weathered their parents splitting is more vulnerable emotionally and the relationships are more fragile.

Put the relationships first, leave the rooms as they are.

The autism might be a factor as well depending on how it impacts them. They may find change harder or be less able to understand the decision and therefore internalise and be hurt by it.

I just wouldn't. Give your daughter a corner of the living room for her dolls house

Swap the rooms. It makes sense.

Have you asked DSS if he would mind and explain it to him?

Sounds reasonable. Are you planning any more DC? As presumably a future child would share with your DD and then they’d definitely need the bigger room.

Can you casually suggest it to your DSS as a complete no pressure wondering if he’d like a newly decorated ‘teenage’ room and would be up for swapping? He might not be bothered at all about having the bigger room. I don’t think I would have cared much either way at 13.

People will probably suggest that you have the box room and both children get a double so maybe suggest that to your DH as an alternative and he may well agree that DSS will be up for the box room!

If they were both mine I would absolutely ask DSS to move ! Similar happened when I was a kid ! Teenage brother moved into small room to accommodate me.

I totally don't want DSS to feel like he's being h fairly treated but also seems such a shame to have the big room empty so often

@Bedroomdebate could you sell it to him? I.e new decorations, high sleeper bed with room for a gaming chair etc?

I totally see your point and this is my fear

Only thing for us that is different is DSS has no memory of his parents together so never went through the split. It sadly happened when he was a baby so he's only ever known this life of two houses . I don't think that makes this any different thou with regards to his feelings

Still on the fence about anymore DC but if we did they would absolutely have to share with DD

Try to find some way that you could make the move to the box room more exciting, with some cool furniture, gaming chair or something. I’m sure a Pinterest search would probably give some interesting ideas.
Agree that you definitely need to make sure he doesn’t feel pushed out/less important, but it’s a shame having that space empty half the time and not particularly used even when he is there.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the kids to swap rooms. It’s just being practical.

However if your DH won’t entertain that, how about going out on a limb and suggesting an alternative: that you and DH squeeze into the box room and DD has your room (or you guys sleep in living room)? Then DSS can keep his room!

If he freaks out about that suggestion, just say that the most logical thing would be your original idea: that the children swap rooms. After all, DSS only uses his room for 50% of the time!!

The resident child should get the largest room, Dss needs to understand that he has a large room at his mother's so his sister should have the same.

It makes no sense to have the larger room empty half of the time when your DD's needs are greater right now.
As others have said, I'd try to big it up and say you'll decorate it to his preference and buy him a gaming chair etc.
I think your DH is unreasonable for not even entertaining the idea. Why does he get the overriding say?

PS my kids have small rooms. I’ve just done up my daughter’s room with a really cool mid sleeper bed which has good storage stuff underneath. She loves how her room looks now! I’ll be doing similar with my son’s room soon. Just planning which high sleeper to buy him and how everything will fit!!

Swap the rooms why does DH not care about his youngest?

Do up the smaller room in DSS's preference.

Does your dh not care about his dd's needs also?

Assume house is jointly owned? Why does DH get the final word?

It seems mad to me that a child who is with you 50% of the time has a bigger room. I assume he was allocated this before you had DD? That said what reason are you going to give for changing the rooms? Is there another way? Is your bedroom big enough to split in 2, you then move into DSS and your split room used for the children? You then have a spare box room.

Presumably you own? Is it possible to knock down and rebuild an internal wall to make his room smaller and hers bigger?

Personally l would have a mass bedroom swap ending in you and DH having biggest room and step child in smallest bedroom. It’s madness that the person who is there the least and it’s only then gets the biggest room!

Yes I would swap them around , we have done the same with my two step children. The one with the bigger toys is now in the big room and the oldest who only uses her phone , tele and drawing stuff is in the smaller room.

Not fair for your dd to be cramped all the time just because of your worries about blended family dynamics.

A friend had a similar problem with a teenage son. They did up the box room very cleverly. There will be ideas on Pinterest etc. The bed was raised, like a top bunk without the lower one. Room then underneath for his desk and a seating area. They made it very 'grown up' and special for him with new duvet sets and colour scheme he chose himself and so on. Is that an idea that could work for you?

We moved an internal wall to make the space between 2 kids rooms more even. Bit of faff with power sockets etc. but worth it. Can you post a floor plan as it might be possible?

I would squeeze into the box room with your husband, so that both children can have a bigger room.

As an adult you spend less time in your bedroom than children and a bedroom doesn't have the same significance it does for a child.

If you can’t move to a bigger house or move walls to and the bedrooms more even sizes as suggested, then I’d ask him to change rooms. Maybe make it more attractive by offering to redecorate how he would like or buy him something for his room that he’ll really like.