Christmas dread

[JemimaPuddledock]

Here we are again, that time of year when Christmas plans are made.

For the last 7 years we’ve had to plan Christmas around husband’s children, not entirely unreasonable he wants to spend some time with them over Christmas but my family live 400 miles away and with the obligatory MIL Boxing Day my family were always pushed into the Twixmas period.

His children are now adults, but I know he’ll want the same plan as usual. I find it hellish! I don’t enjoy the company of his youngest child and when we move onto the obligatory Boxing Day hell both ‘children’ play up into their grandmothers house to an embarrassing degree.

I live separate to DH due mostly to his younger child and her bad behaviour (long story for another thread), and I’d much rather be alone than spend time with her (I haven’t seen her since last Christmas), but that means not seeing DH.

What would be your suggestions?

No Zero but you are. Are you able to read or are you deliberately misinterpreting what I've said?

For the benefit of you alone, you claimed they were a family, but DH divorced his ex wife so they were no longer a family. I have no wish to be a family with his children, so unless a father and two adult children make a family then where is the family? My parents are still married. Clear?

Personally I would have a nice morning and an early Christmas Lunch with DH. When he goes to pick up the kids I would head home (with treats in) relax, watch a movie, pamper yourself and then head to bed early. I would get up early the next day and drive to your parents/family.

Thank you Purple for bringing this back to something less aggressive and thoroughly unpleasant. Your suggestion is most likely what I'll do.

I'd spend Christmas with your family. I don't understand why you have to see DH on Christmas Day, particularly as you don't live together.

@caffelattetogo because I want to? Just because we don't live together doesn't mean I don't love him or want to spend special time with him? Just because we don't conform to societal norm doesn't mean I never want to see him again.

Surely a father and two adult children do make a family. In the same way an adult and two ageing parents make a family, in your situation. You keep referring to your parents as your family too.

I think it would be nice if your husband wanted to do what you want at Christmas. But evidently he doesn't want to and I suppose you need to decide whether you can continue to put up with that, or not. I'd go to your parents if I were you and choose a day to do Christmas with your husband.

Never wanting to see someone again is very different to not spending one specific day with them.

Of course your DH and his kids are a family. Jesus Christ I've heard it all now.

@JemimaPuddledock sorry just spotted the 'special time' bit.
Maybe that's the issue. It's special for you, but not special enough for him to alternate plans or make any compromise. As you say, your family won't be around forever. I'd spend your special time with people you are really special to.

I feel as wife I have as much right to want to spend Christmas with my husband as his adult children have to spend with their dad? They don't live with him, nor do I, he lives alone, but we all want to be with him at Christmas. I understand why he wants to see his children and always have. I just wish he had more consideration for what I'd like to do now his children are adults and not as dependent on him. For 7 years I've done exactly what he wants. Is it not time for him to think of me?

I think that you’d like him to say, “yes, let’s head to your family for the Christmas period, it would make a nice change”.

I feel for you, because I guess you know deep down that he wouldn’t ever do this.

It would be great if he’d acknowledge that you’ve moulded your festive plans around his for nearly a decade, and then ask whether you’d like to do something different this year. But I suppose he won’t.

So, you need to be robust and make your own plans. Whatever they may be. FWIW I like @purplecorkheart suggestion of having Christmas dinner with DH then a quiet night alone and an early dart to your parents’ house on Boxing Day. Or even drive there on Christmas Day evening if you haven’t drunk alcohol during the day. Whatever you decide, please yourself this year and have a good one! 🌲

Thank you @Trees6
Something along the lines of what @purplecorkheart has suggested is probably what I’ll do as there’s almost zero chance of him asking me what I’d like to do and doing it. I almost definitely won’t be doing the Boxing Day ritual with MIL, as nice as she is it is a very long and boring day.

Have a special Christmas Eve celebration with your partner, then both go and see your families.

Let this be the start of you expecting equal treatment as a human with a family.

But they're not a family are they, not since their parents decided to break up? I don't know how many times I need to write that I have no desire to step in between DH and his children. You're right I don't like her.

So based on this thinking, me and my dc are not a family? My abusive cheating exH left and IMO we are absolutely a family without him

If your mum and dad divorced would you still consider them your family?

I don’t know how you can describe your dh as nice when he consistently puts you not only after his dc ( which is at least understandable) but also his dm.
What sort of selfish person spends every Boxing Day with her mil when she has her own dp’s who would presumably love to see her.
You seem besotted with this man and he doesn’t even consider your wants.

I’d go and spend time with my family, saying but have a great time.

then have a bit of Xmas nye time the following weekend

Just go to your mums for the Xmas period. Let him get on with it.

Why are you still married to this unreasonable AH if you don’t even live together? Go see your family and leave this ignorant AH to stew.

I guess your DH prioritises his DC as he sees them as his family and doesn't consider you to be his family. Have you told him that his DC should no longer be seen as his family now? Seriously you have issues with that attitude

I'd do Christmas day with him and then Boxing Day and the rest with your family.

You could even set off to your parents in the afternoon if it takes a while to get there.

Exactly.

Of course a father and his two kids are a family. I can't get my head around why anyone would think they aren't. Its utterly bizarre.

Well, you shouldn't have to choose between seeing your family or your DH, but the reality is that you'll have to as you can't force him to come with you.

If you're really keen on Christmas with him (I wouldn't in your place), you could do Christmas early (on the 23rd maybe ?), exchange gifts and have a lovely time (sans his DD) then drive to your family and leave him to do his own thing.

Maybe that will be the wake up call he needs to realize that you shouldn't be taken for granted (though most likely not), but either way you'll get to see your family for once.

And if he tries to make you feel bad for doing this, I would seriously reconsider the relationship.

Wanna add, obviously it's different when the children are younger - but even then I'd assume they'd spend Christmas at their mom's every other year so he could have accomodated you on one of these years. The fact that he didn't speaks poorly of him.

Now the kids are older he's even more free but I don't expect he'll change. He sounds pretty inconsiderate tbh.

Yeh sorry op but I’d never pass up a chance to see my children (even adult children) at Xmas and go to the in laws instead. Madness that you think he would.

Your issue is your parents live 400 miles away so you can’t just nip into see them like most families would. He would literally have to pick one or the other and He’s going to put seeing his kids first. I don’t blame him either.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about seeing your own parents, just go off and see them on your own.