Page 3 | Christmas dread

JemimaPuddledock · 2022-10-16T14:51:51+00:00

Here we are again, that time of year when Christmas plans are made. For the last 7 years we’ve had to plan Christmas around husband’s children, not entirely unreasonable he wants to spend some time with them over Christmas but my family live 400 miles away and with the obligatory MIL Boxing Day my family were always pushed into the Twixmas period. His children are now adults, but I know he’ll want the same plan as usual. I find it hellish! I don’t enjoy the company of his youngest child and when we move onto the obligatory Boxing Day hell both ‘children’ play up into their grandmothers house to an embarrassing degree. I live separate to DH due mostly to his younger child and her bad behaviour (long story for another thread), and I’d much rather be alone than spend time with her (I haven’t seen her since last Christmas), but that means not seeing DH. What would be your suggestions?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WaddleAway · 16/10/2022 20:06

CovertImage · 16/10/2022 19:52

Well he’s always (understandably) going to want to spend Christmas with his children so you have 2 choices… spend it with them, or go and see your own friends/family.

He's her partner for fuck's sake and could compromise himself by not insisting on spending both days of christmas with his adult "children" perhaps and - oh I dunno - spending time with OP and her family.

Oh apologies, I didn’t realise that your children passing the age of 18 means you no longer want to spend Christmas with them?

Createausernamehere · 16/10/2022 20:09

just go and see your own family - that is the real tragedy here - that you have decided not to see them for seven years because you can’t leave your husband to have it alone with his kids

This. Your parents are elderly and you have not had a Xmas with them for years because you HAVE to be with your husband even if that means being with his children and MIL that you don’t even like.

I don’t really understand this. It makes you unhappy is so many ways. I don’t see why adult partners have to have Xmas together. My DH and I have had a few apart over the years to ensure that elderly parents aren’t alone on the day. That trumped some romantic notion of us holding hands across a Turkey. It really didn’t feel a massive deal to me in amongst all the other stuff that makes up a long marriage.

It seems really sad that you haven’t just done what you want and it creates a resentment you now hold to him.
I genuinely feel he should be allowed to put his kids first at Xmas and you should equally be able to do as you wish without it being negative for your relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 16/10/2022 20:34

Oh apologies, I didn’t realise that your children passing the age of 18 means you no longer want to spend Christmas with them?

Of course not, but it's quite normal for adults to only spend every other Christmas with their families, usually because they have partners and are alternating with their families. This is just another scenario that makes this necessary, expect it's the parents who have a partner with a family to consider, instead of the grown up children!

I would never tolerate this in your shoes OP,we alternate with my side of the family for Christmas Day, I wouldn't just be expected not to see them on Christmas ever. In your shoes, I would just go alone. Easier when you don't share kids!

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 16/10/2022 20:49

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 16:30

Since our first Christmas together he’s picked them up around tea time on Christmas Day, Boxing Day was whole
day and evening at MILs and then varying degrees of length of time before they went home decreasing as they’ve got older.

Not once has he agreed I should see my family (400 miles away so not a day trip) at Christmas and they’ve always had to fit in around his plans - if I wanted Christmas with him.

I have friends I could spend Christmas with but I quite like my husband and would like to spend it with him.

@SudocremOnEverything hits the nail on the head. It’s another decision of priority.

The best plan I can think of is Christmas Day with him and suck up the evening with his children. Then onto our separate plans.

"But I quite like my husband"!!

You live separately

I think you have much bigger issues than Christmas

A marriage isn't living separately it's being together as a couple

You need to have a total re-think of your entire situation here this sounds like it's already over to be honest and then spend Christmas with your own family

EchoPark · 16/10/2022 21:24

aSofaNearYou · 16/10/2022 20:34

Oh apologies, I didn’t realise that your children passing the age of 18 means you no longer want to spend Christmas with them?

Of course not, but it's quite normal for adults to only spend every other Christmas with their families, usually because they have partners and are alternating with their families. This is just another scenario that makes this necessary, expect it's the parents who have a partner with a family to consider, instead of the grown up children!

I would never tolerate this in your shoes OP,we alternate with my side of the family for Christmas Day, I wouldn't just be expected not to see them on Christmas ever. In your shoes, I would just go alone. Easier when you don't share kids!

It it pointless to compare Spouse A's children with Spouse B's parents in this situation because it's not an equal situation.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 21:36

Quitelikeit · 16/10/2022 18:23

You are complaining about his children but you haven’t seen them since last Xmas day?

also due to covid you should have had a break from them for one Xmas?!

you say they are adults but then say they play up for MiL so how old are they?

xmas day is about family - you are invited so don’t complain

just go and see your own family - that is the real tragedy here - that you have decided not to see them for seven years because you can’t leave your husband to have it alone with his kids

One of them was still officially a child (under 18) during covid, so no law breaking you’ll be pleased to hear.

Should I be oh so eternally grateful I’m invited to Christmas with my own husband? I was more than happy to leave him to have Christmas with his kids, have you read my posts?

OP posts:

TheTeenageYears · 16/10/2022 21:43

If his children are now adults and therefore the contact he has with them is of a different nature to schedules when they are children and you still are unable to live together then I would say you have way bigger issues in your marriage than not spending Christmas together. DH has decided how he would like to live his life and is completely uncompromising towards you - that is no basis for a marriage. What does he bring to your life that you couldn't get elsewhere without having to massively compromise in all areas of your life? You don't have a relationship with his children and his choices massively affect your own relationship with your ageing parents. I don't get it.

aSofaNearYou · 16/10/2022 21:51

It it pointless to compare Spouse A's children with Spouse B's parents in this situation because it's not an equal situation.

I'm not, I'm comparing not seeing your adult children on every single Christmas Day because THEY have in laws, with not seeing them every single Christmas Day because YOU have in laws. It's a normal part of life with adult children. But if he really wants to see them every year, then that should not hold OP back from seeing her family.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 21:52

To answer some of the questions.

My ageing parents do live 400 miles away and I’ve lived this distance from them for 30 years. My compromises were not all due to DH but most recently have been, although we would still live the distance.

His DD is still a regular visitor to his home, pls don’t pile on about it being her home too, it’s not she’s made it clear home is at her mum’s. I think she should visit as often as they both want and have no wish to interfere in their relationship or how much they see each other. However, I want nothing to do with her for a
great many perfectly valid reasons. I am no loss to her and my life is greatly improved by not having her in it.

We live apart for a few reasons but mostly because of his DD. We’re able to do this and it’s improved our relationship. It’s not weird,
it’s just not the societal norm.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 16/10/2022 22:00

But if you happily live 'separately' why is it so important that you spend 25th December with him? Why not just allocate a different day to 'celebrate' together and he can see his DC on Christmas Day and you can spend time with your elderly parents and wider family. Don't leave it too late ... every year my elderly DF would joke 'this is my last Christmas'. I am just grateful that we did celebrate our last one together in 2020 (rule of six I think at the time).

Quitelikeit · 16/10/2022 22:42

Op yes I did read your posts - you did not say he has objected to you spending time with your parents on Christmas Day or did you?

honestly you can make this a big deal or you can just accept that he wants to see his children and that they are his priority. That is ok. He still loves you and values you but being a parent means being there for your children especially at Christmas.

I think it’s fine that you live apart as it obviously works for you both - just go to your parents but do it gracefully- you love this man and know in your heart he wants to see his children not to hurt you but because he is a good man.

the fact you live apart because of the children, especially at their age is worrying though. As usually at that age people would be moving in together as the children become less reliant and spread their wings

GladysGladioli · 17/10/2022 08:19

It sounds like it's very important to you that the youngest daughter sees you and her father as very much together on Christmas Day. Almost as if it's a competition.

Let that feeling go. Drop the rope. Go see your parents. You'll be so much happier.

Blendiful · 17/10/2022 09:40

Christmas in reality is just another day, unless you have your kids. If your family all get together at Xmas time and this is your opportunity to see them all together, tell DH you are going there. Tell him he's welcome to come if he so wants, but if not you are going regardless.

You can spend any other day over that period with your DH and make it a Xmas day (do dinner, play games/watch films etc) if that's what you want. Bonus is you don't have to do all the stuff with his family/kids you don't want to.

MeridianB · 17/10/2022 10:13

Rightly or wrongly, he has put you at the bottom of his priorities for the last seven Christmases. It doesn’t sound like he will change any time soon. There’s no way in earth I’d be sitting through another year of the ‘hell’, trying to work my plans around him, or doing the ‘pick me’ dance.

Head to your family and spend quality time with them. Have a romantic/festive time with him when you’re back.

Only you know if he puts you bottom of the list habitually, but if he does, it could be time for a bigger review of plans.

cantley · 17/10/2022 11:55

You can't stand the youngest to the point you won't live with them, sensible in my opinion if they're unbearable.
But it appears your DH will always choose the children over you on Christmas Day and you don't want to be in the same house so you're never going to win him over on this one.
Spend Christmases with your parents while you can. You'll have a wonderful time.

SandyY2K · 18/10/2022 15:33

How normal is it for married couples to spend Christmas apart - through choice rather than work?

You already live apart, wguch isn't normal for married couples so why does Christmas matter so much.

You should go to see your family and make a firm decision. Your husband will do what he wants and you abide by it, even though you don't like it.

That's on you. After 7 years, he does what he wants and doesn't care if you like it or not. A relationship where one person cares more isn't great, but it only happensif you let it

You may want to see him on Christmas day, but he's not really fussed on seeing you, so he's okay for you to go to your parents without him. Do you as that?

It's more important to him to see his kids, than be with you on Christmas day.

He who cares the least holds the most power in a relationship.

billy1966 · 19/10/2022 12:08

7 years you have put up with this?.

Go to your family and leave him with his.

So easy to resolve.

No need for drama.

Well done for living separately.

Pugalicious · 19/10/2022 12:18

OP you are looking at this from the wrong angle.
You want to spend Christmas with him but because of the arrangements it is awful and he will not change for you at all.
Do what you want. It does not sound as if you will be missed by these people anyway.
Christmas day is only a day with a name tag and nothing more.
Enjoy yourself. You will be a better person for it and he might just appreciate you more for not being able to have you with him for whatever reason that may be.
He sounds bloody mean to me btw

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/10/2022 15:21

I think it's a bit strange you haven't seen his kids in a year tbh. Feel free to do your own thing but he is going to want to see his children and you can't expect him not to.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 20/10/2022 15:28

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/10/2022 15:21

I think it's a bit strange you haven't seen his kids in a year tbh. Feel free to do your own thing but he is going to want to see his children and you can't expect him not to.

What's strange? They're adults, they don't want to see me anymore than I want to see them. I've put in almost all of my posts I have no objection to him seeing them as much as he wants and totally understand him wanting to see them over Christmas, but I'd like to be considered also.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/10/2022 15:30

How normal is it for married couples to spend Christmas apart - through choice rather than work?

How normal is it for married couples to spend their lives living separately?

You obviously have a lot of distain for this girl, Do them a favour and let them enjoy xmas as a family and you go see yours.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 20/10/2022 15:37

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/10/2022 15:30

How normal is it for married couples to spend Christmas apart - through choice rather than work?

How normal is it for married couples to spend their lives living separately?

You obviously have a lot of distain for this girl, Do them a favour and let them enjoy xmas as a family and you go see yours.

But they're not a family are they, not since their parents decided to break up? I don't know how many times I need to write that I have no desire to step in between DH and his children. You're right I don't like her.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/10/2022 15:55

JemimaPuddledock · 20/10/2022 15:37

But they're not a family are they, not since their parents decided to break up? I don't know how many times I need to write that I have no desire to step in between DH and his children. You're right I don't like her.

Show quote history

So what are you moaning about? If they are not a family, then neither are your parents your family, so whats the big deal about wanting to see them?

Your 'Husband' is a dick by the way, no way could I be with someone who openly admitted they didnt like my child.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 20/10/2022 15:59

Erm, I'm not moaning. My family are not divorced.

You don't know any of the backstory so I'll ignore your comment.

OP posts:

ZeroFuchsGiven · 20/10/2022 16:02

Ive heard it all now, just because a couple get divorced that does not mean they divorce their kids! Are you stupid?