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Original poster

Christmas dread

104 replies

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 15:51

Here we are again, that time of year when Christmas plans are made.

For the last 7 years we’ve had to plan Christmas around husband’s children, not entirely unreasonable he wants to spend some time with them over Christmas but my family live 400 miles away and with the obligatory MIL Boxing Day my family were always pushed into the Twixmas period.

His children are now adults, but I know he’ll want the same plan as usual. I find it hellish! I don’t enjoy the company of his youngest child and when we move onto the obligatory Boxing Day hell both ‘children’ play up into their grandmothers house to an embarrassing degree.

I live separate to DH due mostly to his younger child and her bad behaviour (long story for another thread), and I’d much rather be alone than spend time with her (I haven’t seen her since last Christmas), but that means not seeing DH.

What would be your suggestions?

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caringcarer · 16/10/2022 17:47

Go to see your family OP. Otherwise you will regret all the years you missed with them once they are no longer there. He can do as he pleases.

liveforsummer · 16/10/2022 17:49

Go to your own family for Xmas and dh can join you after Boxing Day?!

WhatsAVideo · 16/10/2022 17:52

Life is too short for this shit OP. Go to your family, and feel no guilt.

Bookaholic73 · 16/10/2022 17:54

britneyisfree · 16/10/2022 16:04

Spend Xmas with your own family and enjoy it?

This. You don’t have to spend it with DH’s family, especially his children.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 16/10/2022 18:00

Go to your family. yYou may feel guilty but he doesn't does he? He doesn't care that you would like to be with your own family but to be honest you need to step up and do what you want to do.

I think expecting him to spend an extended break at your parents all over Christmas and him not seeing his children he is unlikely to want to do and is unlikely to happen but don't waste your possible time with your parents.

That really is on you.

MissyB1 · 16/10/2022 18:08

This must be the year it changes. Go to your family. I know it’s sad that he won’t do this for you (that speaks volumes to me about your relationship), but that’s where you are.

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 18:09

sandytooth · 16/10/2022 16:10

Do you have your own family or friends to spend time with?

This.

Then have your own Xmas with DH before new year.

Cuppasoupmonster · 16/10/2022 18:09

In fact I find adult couples that ‘have to see each other’ on Christmas Day to be quite childish if I’m honest (when it isn’t a suitable arrangement that is)

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/10/2022 18:13

Completely with @lunar1 who is speaking sense. If you miss Christmas with your dad to pander to this crap you’ll never forgive yourself. You matter. Your family matters. Please yourself, that’s what he does.

WaddleAway · 16/10/2022 18:18

Well he’s always (understandably) going to want to spend Christmas with his children so you have 2 choices… spend it with them, or go and see your own friends/family.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/10/2022 18:19

@JemimaPuddledock well it isn't "normal" to not live with your husband or to always spend Boxing Day with your MIL. So normal doesn't come into it...

Kids will always win. I would rather spend Christmas with mine even when adults than any partner/husband.

I think the answer is Christmas and Boxing Day with your family then see your husband for the next week
.

Craftybodger · 16/10/2022 18:19

I would set a new tradition.

Spend Christmas with your family, just as DH does. Come home sometime during Twixmas and then celebrate with DH over New Year.

Evasmissingletter · 16/10/2022 18:23

Please go and spend Xmas with your parents and enjoy it. As you mentioned they won’t be around for ever. X

Quitelikeit · 16/10/2022 18:23

You are complaining about his children but you haven’t seen them since last Xmas day?

also due to covid you should have had a break from them for one Xmas?!

you say they are adults but then say they play up for MiL so how old are they?

xmas day is about family - you are invited so don’t complain

just go and see your own family - that is the real tragedy here - that you have decided not to see them for seven years because you can’t leave your husband to have it alone with his kids

CandyLeBonBon · 16/10/2022 18:24

I haven't spent Christmas with my mum in over 21 years because her husband felt like you. The difference is that you've sucked it up for this long, and gone with it (he didn't) - but times change and compromise is key.

If he won't entertain any kind of compromise now, after 7 years of capitulation, then he's a bit of a dick.

Other people's kids are difficult- I say this as a serial stepchild and ex stepmother. If he's not prepared to listen or compromise I'd be inclined to just suit yourself for a change, regardless of how much you might like him to be on board, because I imagine he doesn't believe you'll 'abandon' him like that.

Perhaps you should?

wishingitwasfriday · 16/10/2022 18:27

I think in a 'blended' family such as yours then you need to do what makes you happy. Why not spend Christmas with your parents this once, as you say they won't be around forever. It then sets out that actually you won't sit around waiting for him. Maybe next year he'll consider you in his plans.

whiteroseredrose · 16/10/2022 18:34

You go to your family and he goes to his? My Dsis and her DH did that for years until they had DC.

Bramblejoos · 16/10/2022 18:36

I wonder what will happen when there are grandchildren - I suspect the whole of Xmas will revolve around the DCs - so this is going to go on indefinitely. See your Dad while you can.

Amperoblue · 16/10/2022 18:42

Op I don’t live with my DH for similar blended family reasons to you. My parents moved 450 miles away when DS was 6 and DH family are 150 miles away.

We’ve done every combo possible in all honesty. We’ve settled on alternate years with one family or another either us going to them or them coming down.

Youngest DS is now an adults (just) and DH daughter prefers to spend it with her mum as she doesn’t have any family in the U.K. This year it is my In laws turn. My DS wants to be with his grandparents and I will be working.

I can’t imagine having an uncompromising DH or doing what suits just one of you. Not very Christmasy! What is lovely is being happy, relaxed and unstressed. Do whatever it takes to get to that point. ( I think that’s see your parents and help them have a brilliant Christmas)

sandytooth · 16/10/2022 18:45

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 16:51

I totally understand he wants to see his kids at Christmas. My issue is that it’s my Christmas too and I’d like to see my mum and dad at Christmas (dad is 86 so won’t be around forever).

This is symbolic of our relationship in that I either do what he wants or I go alone.

My problem is I’d like to see him on Christmas Day and that won’t happen if I see my family.

How normal is it for married couples to spend Christmas apart - through choice rather than work?

We did it the first few years of being married but since I had my own little one we've alternated.

EchoPark · 16/10/2022 18:50

This is symbolic of our relationship in that I either do what he wants or I go alone.

If this also extends to occasions which don't involve his DC, then if I was you I'd be considering whether the relationship is worth keeping.

As for Christmas, do your own thing.

IggyAce · 16/10/2022 18:50

You deserve to be happy at Christmas too. This year go and spend it with your family and leave him to his usual plan. You won’t regret spending it with your family.

roarfeckingroarr · 16/10/2022 19:10

I think that without having your own children it might be difficult to understand that them being adults makes little difference to how much you want to spend Christmas with them, OP,

If it's always his way - when it doesn't involve his children on meaningful days - then you have bigger problems. But I understand his thoughts on this one and I would be the same.

CovertImage · 16/10/2022 19:52

Well he’s always (understandably) going to want to spend Christmas with his children so you have 2 choices… spend it with them, or go and see your own friends/family.

He's her partner for fuck's sake and could compromise himself by not insisting on spending both days of christmas with his adult "children" perhaps and - oh I dunno - spending time with OP and her family.

woff45 · 16/10/2022 20:01

If you live a separate enough life from your husband that you don't even reside in the same house, then surely it's not another step too far to just spend Christmas separately with your respective families? I admit it's not the life I would want but what's another couple of days apart?

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