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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Christmas dread

104 replies

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 15:51

Here we are again, that time of year when Christmas plans are made.

For the last 7 years we’ve had to plan Christmas around husband’s children, not entirely unreasonable he wants to spend some time with them over Christmas but my family live 400 miles away and with the obligatory MIL Boxing Day my family were always pushed into the Twixmas period.

His children are now adults, but I know he’ll want the same plan as usual. I find it hellish! I don’t enjoy the company of his youngest child and when we move onto the obligatory Boxing Day hell both ‘children’ play up into their grandmothers house to an embarrassing degree.

I live separate to DH due mostly to his younger child and her bad behaviour (long story for another thread), and I’d much rather be alone than spend time with her (I haven’t seen her since last Christmas), but that means not seeing DH.

What would be your suggestions?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

britneyisfree · 16/10/2022 16:04

Spend Xmas with your own family and enjoy it?

harriethoyle · 16/10/2022 16:06

Christmas day with your DH then you both go to respective families on Boxing Day

sandytooth · 16/10/2022 16:10

Do you have your own family or friends to spend time with?

Arenanewbie · 16/10/2022 16:12

Why MIL’s Boxing Day is obligatory?

SudocremOnEverything · 16/10/2022 16:14

britneyisfree · 16/10/2022 16:04

Spend Xmas with your own family and enjoy it?

I think this is the only answer. He’s made it clear that his priority is not whether you enjoy Christmas. So you have two choices: suck it up again or do Christmas without him.

You already had to make the decision that you couldn’t live with him because of how he chooses to conduct his family life. This is yet another decision you’re going to have to make about how you manage to be happy and still married to him.

Createausernamehere · 16/10/2022 16:18

I don’t think he’s unreasonable for insisting he sees his kids but he is if he insist you are also there.

go see your family or have a solo trip to a spa etc and meet up with him at new years. You are adults so I assume you can see that Xmas is really just another day and if you are apart it’s not the end of the world?

Maybe I’m downplaying how you feel about the festive day but definitely don’t go somewhere you don’t want to when you have other options.

LittleOwl153 · 16/10/2022 16:22

I would probably look to doing something else. When does he see his kids? Is it just boxing day? If so then I would look to going to your family or away for Christmas eve/day and travel back boxing day morning. That way you get some peace. If he doesn't want to come then maybe do the family alone. You shouldn't always give up what you want for a partner - especially one who has adult children rather than little kids.

lunar1 · 16/10/2022 16:26

Sod that, I'd go see your family and tell him he can join you when works for him. It's your Christmas just as much as anyone else's.

sandytooth · 16/10/2022 16:28

lunar1 · 16/10/2022 16:26

Sod that, I'd go see your family and tell him he can join you when works for him. It's your Christmas just as much as anyone else's.

I wouldn't even do that. Just do your own thing and screw him if he's left on is own at all

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 16:30

Since our first Christmas together he’s picked them up around tea time on Christmas Day, Boxing Day was whole
day and evening at MILs and then varying degrees of length of time before they went home decreasing as they’ve got older.

Not once has he agreed I should see my family (400 miles away so not a day trip) at Christmas and they’ve always had to fit in around his plans - if I wanted Christmas with him.

I have friends I could spend Christmas with but I quite like my husband and would like to spend it with him.

@SudocremOnEverything hits the nail on the head. It’s another decision of priority.

The best plan I can think of is Christmas Day with him and suck up the evening with his children. Then onto our separate plans.

OP posts:

Createausernamehere · 16/10/2022 16:34

But you can’t compete with someone’s kids.

I would always prioritise time with mine and most especially if I was separated from their other parent and so not living with them.

whilst I understand your hurt I think you are a bit unreasonable to expect him not to want to see his kids at Xmas. If he insists you do too then he’s unreasonable but if he would be fine about you going away to see your own family and leaving him to see his kids then surely that’s ok?

if you had children how would you feel? (I am assuming here you don’t so apologies if when you say family you mean your own kids)

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 16:38

Createausernamehere · 16/10/2022 16:34

But you can’t compete with someone’s kids.

I would always prioritise time with mine and most especially if I was separated from their other parent and so not living with them.

if you had children how would you feel? (I am assuming here you don’t so apologies if when you say family you mean your own kids)

I really don’t compete with them, I stay out of the way, hence the different homes. It’s the fact that I’m expected to be there or made to feel guilty. They are now adults and I can never see this changing.

I don’t have children of my own but I am close to my nieces and nephew who I would very much like to have seen over past Christmases.

OP posts:

Moon22 · 16/10/2022 16:45

7 years of suiting him? Does he know you'd like to see your own family at Christmas? I would definitely agree with others, just do your own thing and see him on new years or after Christmas day itself. Your family won't be around forever, I promise you'll regret putting them on the back burner EVERY Christmas when they are gone. (I'm assuming we're talking about parents here- not saying your whole family will be gone before you!)
I had a partner who made it absolutely clear he will NEVER see my family at Christmas, only his own, awful family, because that's what HE wanted to do. It took me 2 more years to get away from him, best thing I ever did. Looking back, I can't believe I was with someone, after they made it so blatantly clear that they didn't give a shit about me or what I might like to do at Christmas. Partner now is complete opposite- would do almost anything, as long as I'm happy (within reason!)
Anyway, you've been more than accommodating- time to stick up for yourself and your family and put you first, for once.
Bet your folks would be delighted if you did.
It's only a day or two and might just mean the world to them.
He won't give a shit by the sound of it- and will get on with his own plans.

Createausernamehere · 16/10/2022 16:47

Then is the actual issue not that he wants to be with his kids but that you don’t feel you can make your own choices?

Can you assert yourself with him normally?

Just tell him you won’t be there and you would like to see your family and will be leaving on X date. How he responds is then up to him.

i appreciate you would like to see both him and your family but given he will always want to see his kids the choice is really yours to make whether you accompany him or see your family.

Original poster

JemimaPuddledock · 16/10/2022 16:51

I totally understand he wants to see his kids at Christmas. My issue is that it’s my Christmas too and I’d like to see my mum and dad at Christmas (dad is 86 so won’t be around forever).

This is symbolic of our relationship in that I either do what he wants or I go alone.

My problem is I’d like to see him on Christmas Day and that won’t happen if I see my family.

How normal is it for married couples to spend Christmas apart - through choice rather than work?

OP posts:

sandytooth · 16/10/2022 16:56

It’s the fact that I’m expected to be there or made to feel guilty well that needs to stop.

Rtmhwales · 16/10/2022 16:57

I'd go home this year. At the very least, if he wants to spend Christmas with you in the first place, it may make him realize he has to prioritize you at some point in the coming years. Right now he doesn't have to compromise because you just give in.

It won't harm you to be away from him one Christmas and it'll give him something to think of. I'm happily married but would go spend Christmas doing my own thing with family or traveling, even more so if it was his way or the Highway with regards to plans.

MadeForThis · 16/10/2022 16:59

Just spend Christmas apart. Don't regret missing Christmas with your dad.

lunar1 · 16/10/2022 17:00

The children are now adults, do people think they need to be splitting days in half for a Christmas contact schedule? How old does this go up to?

The op is also her parents child, shouldn't she have contact with her family?

He's had it his way every year, tell him you are going to your parents and you would like him to join you. Then step back from his plans. I know I sound awful, but if your dad is 86, how would you feel if this was his last one and you haven't spent any of the last 8 christmases with him? I like my husband as well, but not at the expense of everything else.

Runnerduck34 · 16/10/2022 17:00

I think the distance and travel time makes sharing xmas equitably really difficult.
It's is kinda one or the other.
I completely get why he wants to see his kids and one of them is living with him so that makes it harder as he probably doesnt want to.leave them alone.
As they are all over 18 hopefully it will soon be easier, especially once they are fully independent.
This Xmas I think you can just say I really want to see my family Xmas day this year, I haven't spent it with them for 7 years. I'd like you to come too but if you want to join us boxing day or after so you can see your family I understand.
Then accept you may go alone.
Alternatively see him Xmas day and when he sees kids Xmas evening travel up then or early boxing day morning.

MrsDrDear · 16/10/2022 17:01

This is symbolic of our relationship in that I either do what he wants or I go alone

My problem is I’d like to see him on Christmas Day and that won’t happen if I see my family

So he's a selfish arse who gets his own way all the time?
Why on earth would you want to see him on Christmas Day?

You'll regret the years you have missed with your own family.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 16/10/2022 17:09

We spend Xmas together and used to have all 4 of his here,for a good few days, which was pretty hellish if both of mine were here as well and I was on a night shift.

Now everyone has grown up and in their own homes, apart from my own sn son. We spend just the day together and then he spends a few days with his mum and they go there, as all based in the s/east.

Going to my family the w/end before for a whole get together.

It's not fair on you now, especially as they're grown up.

FantasticButtocks · 16/10/2022 17:14

It’s the fact that I’m expected to be there or made to feel guilty

No. No one can make you feel things. If you feel guilty that's your feeling, coming from your way of thinking about it. Try changing that feeling of guilt for another feeling. It's a choice.

How about this year, doing things differently. Say I'm going to spend Christmas with my folks, and stay x amount of days, let me know if you're coming to join us for any of it. And don't bother with any guilt feelings, they aren't necessary or helpful.

I get that you then probably won't spend actual Christmas Day with your husband, but does that really matter? If the only way to spend it with him is having a horrible time, maybe it's time to opt out. Give him the choice whether he wants to spend it with you...

He isn't king of Christmas 🎅

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 16/10/2022 17:38

You don't live with your DH? Well done what you want!

generalh · 16/10/2022 17:43

Just do your own thing. Sod him. Tell him now this is what you are doing. It is your life. You don't live with him. So you can do what the hell you like.

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