I've just had enough

[Babywasinacorner]

Me and my dh blended our family about 6 years ago now and it's been good a few ups and downs but nothing major. We've gotten on, been a successful blend.
Anyway this all seems to be going tits up now and I don't know how to resolve it. His kids are 18, 14 12 . I had a dd who is 10 and we have a dd together who is 2.
It mainly stems from his kids being filthy, and I mean gross. I walk in the loo and there is shit on the seat, they use the loo for a poo and don't flush or wipe they just leave it there.. they don't wash their hands, don't keep clean and I'm just past being able to cope ( my sd 12 leaves used sanitary pads on her drawers. There is bin and bags to put them in in the bathroom) This isn't one offs . It happens every time they are here (50/50 split) I'm not a clean freak . My house isn't a show home but 🤢.

We've lost consoles/ phones/ been grounded when this happens as its always never them can't work out who it is ( it only happens when they are here so not my dds ), but it still happens . We go through basic hygiene, provide cleaning wipes, baby wipes . Im struggling to cope with trying to keep on top of their normal teenage mess and then this.
It's causing so many issues between me and my dh as we have them 50% of the time and we seem to spend all that time arguing about them..

Any advice please..what would you do??

Take photos of it and tag them on Facebook or whatever social media they use and Shame them to their mates. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My auntie used to rage at my cousin for leaving his skiddy boxers everywhere and just generally being rank and he was out front with his pals at about 15/16 and she put his skiddy pants on the dogs head and the dog ran out to greet him 🤣 he never left them again

Yanbu to have had enough but banning the kids from your house because your h is an ineffectual parent isn't the right punishment either. How would you measure their readiness to respect your home? Would you be ok if they never returned?

This might be a long shot but what do the kids think about 50:50? They are old enough that a judge would allow them to choose how often contact is and I wonder if they'd prefer staying at one main house rather than 50/50. They might equally be doing it to test your h or protest being there.

Do you have more than 1 bathroom?
I'd put a lock on one and keep it for me and my DC. Let your H and his kids live in shit until they learn to clean it up or your H enforces it

It's their home. How can they be sent elsewhere? Where would you send your 10 or 2 year old to live if you were unhappy with their hygiene? Not understanding these responses at all. It's almost like posters don't think it's their real home at all.

Which may be the problem, or may not.

Why isn't your dh cleaning this up and addressing the issue, perhaps also involving school, GP and counselling, if you really do think it's some kind of 'dirty protest'.

@ArcticSkewer if my Dd routinely at the age 18 a adult - left shit or used sanitary products around the house for me to clean up after I had repeatedly told her not to.

I would be asking her to leave our home and find alternative accommodation because you don't treat your home like and you don't treat your family like that.

And it's definitely my DDs home and I love her to death. But that doesn't mean she can could act like this.

I'm actually shocked people would think this was ok. I suppose that mindset is what's that's what's gotten op into this whole mess.

@Liorae that would be truly grim if that was the case tbh.

What filthy, nasty, disgusting people they are. They are either doing it on purpose or they are just lazy pigs.

and who would you leave your 12 year old with, @pitchforksandflamethrowers (the actual age quoted for the sanitary towel) ? Social Services? I don't think they take them that easily you know. Instead you might have to actually address the problem.

@ArcticSkewer since the age of criminal responsibility is 10 years old (last time I checked) I expect a 12 year old to know right from wrong, as that's what the law uses to determine of understanding of society norms. Leaving faeces on a toilet seat and used sanity products generally around is really grim and socially unacceptable.

Since the ages of two DSC are 14 and 12 and one adult DSC 18 they are well passed knowing this is wrong. If it's to believed they don't do this at mums, then they are doing this out of spite. It's not a one off and there's no Nerodiversity.

I wouldn't expect my 12 daughter to leave poo all over a bathroom or sanity products anywhere in anyones house and I am raising her to have good morals and hygiene along with respecting peoples possessions. But that's not what you asked so I will give you a closer parallel since my Dd does have a sm.

If she aged 12 was doing this at her dads house and leaving it to sm to clear up after repeatedly being asked who did it and lying via omission - would fully support them saying she can't come visit until she gets her act together, she would also be losing all of her fav possessions and would unlikely get them back until she started acting like a decent human being and apologised to both her sm and dad and would work with dad to get to the root of it.

If at aged 14 I would be seeking medical help, senco intervention and counselling
to see if there's something going on because at that point I would be worried she wasn't well enough to grasp you don't do this.

But if at 18 she's still pulling that shit because she can. Well she can do that in her own home which she pays for and I would say the same to dad.

People behave badly because people excuse bad behaviour. Behind every crappy human being I know there's someone making justifications for poor behaviour.

So basically in summary I wouldn't say "well they don't do it at my house" because my child my responsibility.
I'm actually shocked that people are still justifying this but I guess if the op had said she was grandma (or anyone other than a sm) she would have had more support.

Yes, but if your kids only had your one house, what would you do? That's my point. You started off with saying you would evict your 18 year old and tell her to find alternative accommodation. This example is of a 12 year old. Just because the law applies from age 10, that means precisely zero in this case. Do you think the police would arrest her or something?

So a 12 year old with only one home - what would you do?

I like how you finally got there! Yes that's right - senco, GP, outside intervention... because something is not right.

The number of posters happy to shift the problem just because she has two homes of 50:50 so exactly equal ... without addressing the problem ... is pretty disgusting

Are you sure this isn't an issue at mum's? Have you or DH been to her home? Because it could be a sign of issues there.

I was thinking sometimes with 50/50 both parents are basically disney parents and no one therefore teaches the kids some of the basics, but as you say it sounds like you have brought this up with them.

With persistent lazy/unhygienic behaviour with SD we just made it boring, stopped the laziness being the easy route by sending her back to do whatever task every time (e.g flush toilet or wash hands). Or punishment of a boring chore if she did certain things (e.g. leave dirty underpants around). So it became easier for her to just do the thing at the time rather than having to go back and do it. That was how we set boundaries.

And if you don't know who it was and no one owns up, yes they all have to do it.

And yes if the normal persistant boundary setting parenting approach doesn't work, then I'd look into GP

I mean we are on the step parenting board so by nature the kids do have two houses and quite naturally I responded as such since op is a sm and she's responding what would she do.

This makes a difference because shock horror as a mum I can do all that stuff a stepmum can't because she doesn't have the teeth. Kids aren't just born and know how to brush their teeth, have hygiene practices it's taught by the "drum roll" parents.

The parents are now in two houses which means your argument of what would you do if this was your kid and the children have one house because it literally doesn't apply. If mums not on board, not willing to allow the kids to get counselling ect since her response is pretty lacklustre, how far do you think dad will get.. assuming her motives are pure (I haven't seen anything to the contrary that would say either way)

It could be something going on, true it could equally be true that actually since there's three of them at it. The parenting around these areas is at a incredibly low standard.

So I think the only point I can agree with you on is that it's pretty disgusting that this hasn't been taught by either of the parents both mum and dad have failed if they haven't taught their one adult child and 11 and 14 year old basic hygiene. And if I was mum in a single house and my kids were doing that I would class my self as a failure.

Some people I'm sure would just excuse it.
Personally though leaving shit all over a bathroom by a adult is socially unacceptable to me imo but opinions seem to vary on this topic.

People have different standards I suppose..

So if the children start playing up at mum's, you'd be happy for her to say "they're coming to live with you, ex-dh - I've had enough"? And they move in permanently? Or is she more responsible for them because she's their mother and not their father?

The behaviour is disgusting and DH needs to be dealing with it, and cleaning up after it. What is unreasonable is to suggest that this is a reason for them to spend less time in their father's home because of it. He's their parent and it's his problem.

@Greensleeves tbh yes I'm aware as a step parent that this is also there home too and for whatever reason they may chose or something happen with mum meaning they will to be here. I think it cuts both ways but I realise I'm in the minority on this.

The problem is "if" this is a parental neglect from both mum and dad then both mum and dad have to undo what has been done (or not done as the case maybe- low key not giving a toss) . If mums like meh not my house not my problem that rubs off on the kids. Maybe she genuinely doesn't care about these things in her house - who knows.

If it was one child in isolation acting like this I would probably swing more to something deeper going on with that child. All of them at it, screams (we haven't be held to account on this subjects by our parents so why would care here). That is shitty parenting no doubt about it.

That said anyone what shits in the bathroom and leaves it like this wouldn't be welcome in my home. If my DH wasn't clearing it up and addressing it I would be saying he too wouldn't be welcome.
That would certainly cause a issue for both mum and dad and frankly possibly the only way to shake them out of this low level idgaf attitude. Sometimes you have to return issue back to sender. Or in this case senders.

Might seem harsh but it's a rule for all people in my home. Dc DH, DSC and myself

5 kids.

Do they have their own room, and/or any means of privacy / space?

I would absolutely hate to spending 50% of my time living with people I don’t really have any relationship with, or possibly even like.

God knows, it’s no excuse for feral behaviour - so don’t think for a minute that I’m saying it is.

But it really is completely shit for kids to have to have something that has such a profound impact on their wellbeing as their home and haven disrupted, because their parent has decided to move on and move in with someone else.

I know full well I am going to get completely slammed for this opinion. Because yeah, yeah - we should always prioritise a parent’s relationship needs over a child’s wellbeing.

i have similar issues. I call DH back to wipe piss off the seats and close the door on his grubby room.

I also have a cleaner come once a week which coincides with DSS leaving. That really helps. If Dh can’t be arsed he can pay someone else. I am nobodies maid.

OP is objecting to their behaviour, which objectively isn’t good and impacts the rest of the household. It’s not the childrens existence. You’re projecting.

Its not unreasonable to expect people or children to have (age appropriate) basic levels of human decency. Objecting to wiping teenagers shit isn’t the same as objecting to their existence and has very little to do with them being OP’s SC. I bet their extended family don’t like it either, or their friends parents. Objectively it’s poor behaviour.

@Babywasinacorner

They don't need to go no where but your DH needs to have a word about all of it.

I hope it gets sorted out and especially if the mum not help

@Babywasinacorner

If the mum said there's no problems then they doing it on purpose and old enough to understand too.

What you allow is what will continue.

Are you sure it's not just one of them?
How do you know that they don't wash their hands?
Two of them could be as bewildered as you are, is that a possibility?
My friend has mentioned before that her two DD's have left used sanitary towels in places before, I think that could be a separate accidental behaviour, changing underwear, locating new underwear and fresh towel, putting leaked underwear in the wash and forgetting to come back for the used towel.

Hey OP, how's it going? Have you tried any strategies mentioned and has there been any further develpments?

I was the maid, cook, cleaner, general dogsbody for my husband and his daughter, who's hygiene was extremely hit and miss (and that's being kind). I bought my own home and left them to it.

I think these children need help not raging at and being threatened. I suspect the fact the best solution feels to tell them to get themselves back to their mother’s gives a hint to some of the trauma in the mix here. If it was my children doing this, I would be getting my children some mental health/ trauma focused support help urgently - via doctor’s or school.

This. It could also be your daughter acting out when they come.

This.
Of course it's deliberate.
Its a sport to them.

I feel so sorry for your 10 year old, that you inflicted this disney waster on her and then had another child.

They have no respect for you and they certainly don't for him.

How well he found a woman to skivvy for his children🙄.

Look at separation, it is not in your poor childrens best interests to remain.

That waster is never going to stand up to his children.

Until such time as you get split up, stop doing ANYTHING for his children.

Stop cooking, shopping, laundry.

Stop everything.

Personally I would packing up their filth, the sanitary towels with their clothes and sending them and their filth home to their mother.

I would also photograph the state of the loos and send it to their mother and father and ensure he cleans up.

Actually you could start photographing their filth and ask them would they like the school to be informed as they obviously need support.

Can you cease sharing facilities with them?

Do you work?
Are you paying for them?
If so, stop.

OP, you are a part of the problem.
Start acting smart and start protecting your 10 year old who is stuck in the middle of this filthy shit show.

They are only laughing at you.

Bet you’re the one doing all the cleaning up

your dh has told you how much he respects you - listen