I've just had enough

[Babywasinacorner]

Me and my dh blended our family about 6 years ago now and it's been good a few ups and downs but nothing major. We've gotten on, been a successful blend.
Anyway this all seems to be going tits up now and I don't know how to resolve it. His kids are 18, 14 12 . I had a dd who is 10 and we have a dd together who is 2.
It mainly stems from his kids being filthy, and I mean gross. I walk in the loo and there is shit on the seat, they use the loo for a poo and don't flush or wipe they just leave it there.. they don't wash their hands, don't keep clean and I'm just past being able to cope ( my sd 12 leaves used sanitary pads on her drawers. There is bin and bags to put them in in the bathroom) This isn't one offs . It happens every time they are here (50/50 split) I'm not a clean freak . My house isn't a show home but 🤢.

We've lost consoles/ phones/ been grounded when this happens as its always never them can't work out who it is ( it only happens when they are here so not my dds ), but it still happens . We go through basic hygiene, provide cleaning wipes, baby wipes . Im struggling to cope with trying to keep on top of their normal teenage mess and then this.
It's causing so many issues between me and my dh as we have them 50% of the time and we seem to spend all that time arguing about them..

Any advice please..what would you do??

If she doesn't have the same problem, there are no developmental and health issues AND you've had all the conversations with them and it hasn't stopped, what they are doing is intentional.

I'd absolutely be collecting all their filth and leaving it in their rooms (rubber gloves for everything!!!) I would NOT clean their space at all. I'm actually astounded you're dealing with this.

Your DH needs to take the lead here.

Op it's one thing being filthy, but the sanitary towel thing is a deliberate pisstake, her own mother should be stepping up here and telling them all if it doesn't stop they don't go back. Do they do this at their friends houses? I bet they don't!
Something needs to be done, I'd be going to stay elsewhere when they turn up and letting dh get on with it himself.

Personally I'd be telling my husband to sling his hook, since he has presided over this from the start. And then, since their father isn't there, there is no need for any of them to set foot in your house again.

You don't call anyone back. Process of elimination means you know it's one a few select people, they can all bear equal consequence.

Does your DH give them an allowance? If so, stop it.
Do the basics, shelter, medical care, food and education. Outside of that, stop. If they cannot show basic respect for your space then they do not get the perks of being in it.

I know you're stuck but I absolutely couldn't live like this.

I agree they're doing this on purpose. Literally pissing to mark their territory like an animal.

All used sanitary items left would be relocated to the offending child's room and left there. If you have more than one bathroom, make one inaccessible to them by whatever means necessary.

Make them deal with the reality of their filth. I'm not a particularly nice person, so I'd shaming the fuck out of their mother every time they do it. Making it clear to them every time it's her failure to raise them correctly that's making them do this because their dad doesn't tolerate it. I'd also tell them that school are going to be consulted (for younger two) because they obviously have deep rooted issues that need to be addressed and supported. Absolutely shame the living daylights out of them through whatever means necessary.

They've waged war on you, I'd wage war back, even 12 is old enough to know better and be accountable to their actions. The alternative is breaking up with your husband. Your choice.

Making it clear to them every time it's her failure to raise them correctly that's making them do this because their dad doesn't tolerate it.

But their dad clearly does tolerate it.

It's a 50/50 contact arrangement so how can you blame the mum more than the dad?

Op has said herself that she thinks part of the problem is her DPs Disney dad attitude so if anything, it's more his fault than the mums. That mixed with the fact that it doesn't happen in the mums house. Bit of course it's MN so all the SMs will blame the mum

@OfficiallyBroken it's a bit unfair to blame mum when she doesn't have the same issues at her house (unless what OP means is mum has no issue with them acting that way).

@stickynoter Oh do bore off, the OP herself isn't blaming the mum, let alone all SMs blaming the mum

It sounds to me like a form of rebellion. One started doing it, now they have all joined in. Your dp needs to say if it happens again they can't stay any longer, and mean it.

He takes them in the bathroom, shows them how to clean the loo, wash their hands and look after the bathroom. One more incident and they are packed off to their mothers' (hopefully their mother will support you)

I would refuse to live like this op. You need to put your foot down with dp, and he in turn needs to get this sorted out once and for all. They do this in prisons actually and it is a form of dissent.

If the mother doesn't support you, tough. It is entirely unacceptable.
They are behaving like animals.

How many bathrooms do you have? I'd be delegating one as theirs if possible and not going in it
Similarly with their rooms
Then tell them if the rooms are tidy when they leave you'll clean them (by you i mean whatever cleaning you/dh normally do)
If not you'll just shut the door and leave it how it is till their next visit
Then do it!

If they do tidy put some effort in to make their space look nice when they come back. Carrot and stick!

I had meant to reply to @OfficiallyBroken

Get a lock for the bathroom door and keep it locked between uses. Whoever had the key last was the one who left the mess. The embarrassment of being caught will no doubt stop them.

Wait outside the door if you spot one of them going in and check the state of it when they come out. If it’s disgusting they get straight back in there and clean it. By you I mean make your DH do it. If they don’t know how to clean it someone needs to show them once and then it’s up to them.

if they’re on Facebook threaten to post photos to their wall of the state they’ve left it in if they refuse to clean it.

Call your DH back to deal with it! It’s his job to discipline his children while they’re at your home, and if he chooses not to deal with them then it’s his job to clear up after them.

We argue because I think they need to spend more time at their mums until they can respect our home. My dh obviously doesn't want them to go.

Its understandable that you argue about this because their Mum has no more responsibility to make the children respect your home than your DH has to make sure that the same children respect hers.

Your DH is right to not want them to go, but if he’s refusing to either get on top of cleaning up their mess for them or make them do it then that’s what the real problem is.

Genius!

@stickynoter I meant blame their mum to them make it clear that as both the OP and her husband have repeatedly tried to deal with this after his shaky start as a Disney Dad that it must be because their mum isn't doing right by them. Do they need to ask for extra support with what's going on at their mum's house etc.

Make them utterly ashamed that this poor behaviour reflects badly on their mother, who they clearly hold some affection for by the fact that they don't cover her home in excrement and menses.

I wouldn't give a flying fuck about anyone else's feelings if children older than the age of criminal responsibility were.literally shitting on my home. I would be livid with my children if they behaved like this in anyone's home. That she isn't is very telling.

You cannot honestly think it’s ok to make the kids stay with there mum more because they are gross?

you DH is their father, this needs resolving like in any other family. They are not guests, you need to address this like you would if your own children were doing this.

@OfficiallyBroken I agree with what you put 100%, the problem is if this isn't defiance it would be seen at mums and it could be she has a lower standard of hygiene ...

Or they are doing on purpose, (if there was just one DSC I would ask if any Nero diversity (that said this type of issue is insulting to anyone with Nero diversity tbh). Since one is a adult they should know better.

If a adult shit on my toilet floor and left bloody sanitary products everywhere I would shame them and explain really clearly if they did it again.. they wouldn't be welcome in my home and the get DH to clear it up. I don't care if it's the Queen of Sheba ... at these ages I would expect a certain level of hygiene aka don't shit on things.

Grim. I would be super embrassed if this was my child, fact mum isn't means you need to make her care about the issue as much as DH should.

I'm so sorry op.

I wouldn't be surprised if mum is encouraging it.

Inregards to the pads can you not get the nappy sacks and put a bin in her bedroom. My 14 year and 6 year is terrible for leaving pee and poo. I make them clean it up.

Who eventually cleans the mess? I hope you ring dh every time to come clean up after his feral dc..

Your poor daughter must be miserable living in the environment.

I’m confused why people are invoking the other parent (mum) as part of the shaming and the problem when OP has said, the children don’t leave gross messes at their mums house? (It’s a pretty big assumption to think the mum might encourage the kids to be gross when they visit their dad...). It appears to be a dynamic that exists solely between the kids and their dad/dads household.

Maybe they want to be sent back to their mums for some reason, and that’s why they are being super unpleasant?

I don’t think sending them back solves anything regarding the gross defiant behavior (this just eliminates the problem without addressing the underlying issues). The kids need to be held accountable and clean up - sounds like Dad needs to step up and impose some serious consequences/rules.

The kids should have to clean it up each and every time. And if their space isn’t clean when it’s time to leave for the treat or fun outing...well I guess they aren’t going!

I think if I had teenagers that were regularly leaving shit on the toilet seat I would be putting a padlock on the outside of the bathroom door so that they had to come and ask me to let them in every single time, making each one of them wholely accountable for the state they leave behind them.

I would absolutely be doing this. If their father refuses to address it, then extreme measures are necessary.